If you’ve been married along time, how did you get through rough patches ?

[Wolfscarf]

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I agree. A lot of what is being said strikes a chord. The times when you’re rubbing along nicely then suddenly you’re not. The petty irritations. But I’m not good at living with other people and know I’d be the same with anyone. I know my OH is a good, decent man and a fantastic father and there are (most) times we get along great.

This is an unusually honest thread, I read some threads and can’t relate at all to the perfect relationships, or I wince when OPs are told to LTB for things which mine does and are simply irritations in a long marriage. I agree with the pp up thread who talked about wanting to hold onto the house and garden they love, and this being extra motivation to work on the marriage.

Some people are just easy to live with and get along with, but many others aren’t and I include myself in that!

I have a list of positives about the relationship and things I love about DH. I look at it when I'm fed up. Rough patches are usually due to big issues that we tackle together (with a lot if arguing and tears) and get through. Ultimately when I say I want to leave he says "no we are going to grow old together". Been together 11 years so I think his attitude works!

We've been together for 35 years and there have been a few blips along the way. My depression, then his, financial issues, horrible jobs that made us unhappy. The main thing that made the difference is that we made an agreement when we first got together about how we'd behave towards each other. One was that we would never treat one another with disrespect and another was that we would never punish one another with silence. It hasn't always been easy to stick to, and has at times taken huge patience, but it made a big difference and really helped get through the rough patches.

I should clarify that when I say long marriages, I mean over 20 years. Not 10 years. Living through the teen years of the DC was really stressful.

19 years married, 30 years together. I like my space, so for me the fact that dh sometimes works away for weeks at a time has been a big part of what has kept us together. It was a slog at times when the kids were little though.
Also agreeing to disagree sometimes is something that I've learned can be a good thing in a relationship.
At the end of the day, we just love each other I guess...

Excellent post. You sound like me!

Married 40 years here. Been through some tough times with money, bereavement, kids etc. Have got through it by 'not sweating the small stuff'. Yes, we drive each other crazy at times, but then I think about what a hard worker he is, what a great dad, how much fun he is, how I still fancy the pants off him - and how he will never let me down.

So I put the immediate issue to one side for a few days until I'm less emotional, take one day at a time, and funnily enough, most things are liveable.

I would also add that we've always had joint money, sometimes I've earned more, sometimes him. Neither of us would ever do anything crazy with money (because we've worked too bloody hard to get it). So if he or I buy something, there's no questions asked and no rowing about it. Even at our poorest, when we had to borrow against the house to pay the bills, we didn't argue about money. That removes a huge stress.

What's a long time and what's the cause of the rough patch? DH and I have been together 20 years and basically you just wait it out and keep going, unless it's an affair or abuse or addiction, in which case you may want to call it quits.

I remember listening to someone on the radio once being asked what the secret of their long marriage was and they said 'Not getting divorced'.

Just accept that rough patches are normal - fairy tales aren't real. You have to grit your teeth and get on with every day life.

Find ways to turn towards each other and not away when there's an issue.

Let's say you have a discrepancy in sex drives (very common one). You can turn towards each other to address it, name the problem, have some painful conversations, genuinely listen to each other on what the other wants to happen and what they think would help, and try to commit to a mutual plan. Or you can turn away from each other and locate the problem in the other person: they're unreasonable/oversexed/lazy/complacent/whatever. But when you turn away from someone you close down any chance to solve the problem together.

There have been peaks and troughs. Sometimes I haven't felt that close to him, other times he drives me nutty, sometimes I wonder how much I even like him, let alone love him. But then it rebalances. And you plod on. And 6 or 9 months later you are in a totally different position. I might have left if I'd have had millions and a lovely second home. Other times I like him so much, he gets me, I think how much I would desperately miss him should he die early. Strange thing long term relationships. I feel people don't value them enough, and the hard work the whole journey takes, but how much you get out of it, if you choose a good'un in the first place.

Are you me?? 😊

Exactly what you've said.

It's an old saying but "never go to bed without resolving an argument" is absolutely true. I don't get how people can ignore each other, I really don't!

Communication is key.

Sense of humour is crucial (to us).

When things get tetchy I have to remember that I'm very often annoyed, angry or frustrated at the situation, not necessarily my DH, and vice versa. It's made a huge difference to the way we look at things.

Also acknowledging that things aren't always perfect.

Oh, and everything is temporary. Tomorrow's a new day.

Great thread! Just placemarking

I have the money to leave tomorrow but I need someone to watch Dubai Bling with. Only he will get how silly it is!

Long term relationships are indeed strange. I used to watch my parents bickering over the silliest things and thought: Oh I am never going to be that way. My marriage is going to be so much better. And here we are, bickering.

20 years together, we have been through very challenging time, thought of splitting up more than once. There have been depression, money problems, lack of communication , resentment… things definitely got better since I got the right treatment for my depression. I’m so grateful he didn’t leave me as I have been horrible to him in my darkest times. These days, we show each other’s we love each other, we go on dates, we hold hands, lots of banter, lots of sex and much better communications.

Communicate!! Talk, talk and then talk some more!

That's it really.

My father used to say "This too shall pass"... everything is just a phase. You're having a bad day? This too shall pass. A great day? Feeling wonderful? It won't last. I think this also applies to marriage. It all evens out. No matter how dark or how wonderful, this too shall pass. All you have to do is hold on during the hard times and enjoy the good times.

Been together 15 years, married for 11.

Had some fairly stressful periods in that time but there were def times in the past 2 years where we have come close... I mean I've sat and worked out if I could afford to end it. The arguments just seemed to be getting worse, and more frequent. I really kept thinking this is it... this is the beginning of the end and wondering if we can ever get back to how we were...

Not sure what changed exactly, but we tried talking things out.... we've always normally been good at this anyway. But actually listened to each other
We also both had therapy this year (individually) to work on ourselves and (touch wood) things seem to be ok.

The big thing for me was DH not pulling his weight with life stuff... and since the summer he has really stepped up which has meant I'm not as stressed out.

Think communication is key, and also you both have to want to make it work. One of you can't make it work for both of you. X

Keep choosing each other. Every day is like a fresh commitment to choosing that person.

sometimes I lie in bed and imagine how I’ll feel one day when either I die and have to leave DH or he dies and I have to live without him. That makes me hold onto him all the tighter and I try to enjoy our time together even more.

being slow to anger and quick to forgive (only really works if this applies on both sides of the relationship)

honesty and talking though problems

being respectful always - we have had disagreements and even arguments but we have never ever ever called each other hurtful names or turned to insulting each other. I know how hurt I’d be if he did that to me so I never do it to him either

giving each other space when we need it

yes realising that the rough patches are just phases and you can weather them together

other things in your life to keep you occupied and happy

Relationship counselling hoped us.We knew we weren't going to split up but we weren't massively happy.It made us sit down and talk honestly.I feel closer to him and it helped me see where he was at.It's a cliche but going out together regularly alone is important even just a dog walk.For me it's a simple one but I imagine our future and see him with someone else -it turns my stomach and makes me appreciate him more.We have so much history.But yes we have had some tough times ...I suppose I've learnt they are worth working through and will pass.

This thread has honestly renewed my belief that Mumsnet is a helpful supportive place.
No wild overreacting and claims that LTB is the only option, no my DH and my marriage is always perfect, just calm supportive wise words and a quiet acknowledgement that relationships take work, perseverance and forgiveness. Thank you.

DH was running his own business and working long hours when the children were small and I did everything pretty much on my own and felt resentful. Then we both had full time jobs and careers and finances were easier, so there were times when we had good holidays and spent more time together and remembered why we were together.

I suppose many people wonder what things would be like without the partner and might like it for a while. We had a hard time when DH had medication that made him very tetchy and hard to live with. Fortunately, he recognised he was being an arse and got it changed.

I've been married 20 years, so not that long. However, I married someone with similar values, it makes a massive difference. He's also fundamentally very kind and I very good in bed.

We have had some very difficult times but the similar values and his kindness help. I on the other hand am a bit hard work, but the longer we are together the more I appreciate the day to day effort he puts into being married.

i remember hearing a quote -

“The only reason we’re still together, is that neither of us wanted a divorce... at the same time”

Married 22 years and together 27 years. There have been difficult times in that period but even when I’ve not liked him, wasn’t sure if I still loved him I have always respected him. He is a kind and honourable man, a loving father and I know he has my back. Even when he hasn’t liked me, he’s supported me in public. Our problems have only ever been between us; I think it’s a slippery slope when you start to air your grievances in public because those complaints can’t be unsaid and people start wading in with unhelpful advice.

The things that have kept us going? We have 3 children and the damage of a divorce to them would be immense and even if we’ve not been certain about each other, we’ve always been certain that we will protect our children and give them the best childhood we could.

And trying to remember that he’s only doing his best - so when he says what’s for dinner or what do the kids need for school, it’s not him trying to put the burden on me, it’s just that he’s tired and can’t remember. So instead of yelling work it out, I breathe deeply and say, I don’t know what’s for dinner as I’ve had a mad day but can you look in the fridge and pick something. And he does. Sometimes I think you are both tired and you interpret each other’s comments negatively and so it’s good to think, he’s not trying to annoy me, has worked for me.