If you’ve been married along time, how did you get through rough patches ?

[Wolfscarf]

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To use an old adage, never go to bed on an argument.
There's never been any abuse or infidelity, but there's been times when we could quite cheerfully have wrung each others necks.
We do chat a lot though and iron out the wrinkles before they become permanent creases.
I think our worse time was coming home from hospital with our first born. I remember we sat on the sofa in a 'what the heck do we do now?' kind of way, then bickering over the right way to do stuff.
Forty years later, we still bicker over the right way to do stuff, though fortunately not baby related these days 😂

30 years here and hard agree with this.

With young DC we agree that we don’t mean anything snappy we say between 12-7am 😂

In our case, cant afford to split up. Been together for twenty years, have little kids. Live in London and couldnt afford two rents. So we're kind of stuck. Maybe once the kids leave home - we will either get back to liking each other or have the money to separate. Till then....finances keep us together that and the kids.

I'm not sure if this is great advice but been married 23 years. At times when I just couldn't look at him like a lover or a partner I decided in my heart that he was still "family" and family stays together. That got me through hard times back when I could look at him like my husband again.

Life might be horrendous now like it's been before, yet we've still made thorough and I know there'll be happier times ahead.

I always ask myself, would my life be better without him? & the answer so far has always been no.
If it ever comes to the day when I genuinely think I'll be better off (emotionally) without him then I'd leave in a heartbeat.
Obviously I can't speak on his behalf.

Been together since we were 14 & 15, we're in our 30's now with a teenage DD.
(I know a lot can happen in the years to come)

Always treat each other with respect.

I’m not sure about the growing old together... I often imagine a time in the future (when he’s dead?) when I’m on my own again (I’ll have my grown-up DS, hopefully).

It’s a happy life, near the sea or abroad. Doing all of the things I like (except I’m old. Good health isn’t guaranteed...). He’s a bit older than me, so it’s not impossible.

I know that sounds awful, but I didn’t marry until 40. Never longed for a boyfriend, had a laugh when I was a young woman. Also, don’t regret having my child younger, either.

Not having my child younger, that is.

Been married almost 30 years, I had 2 children from my first marriage, we got engaged and married within 7 months of meeting.
We had some very hard times in the beginning and through our marriage, in our 20's we argued so much and looking back it wasn't healthy, things got better in our 30's and we only argued about big issues and in our 40's we learned to respect each other more and talk about our troubles, by our late 40's we only had our 2 youngest children still at home and our older children now have children of their own and our home is filled with visits from them all, we have more time to ourselves and have enjoyed lengthy times away together, we look back at the past often and talk about why we acted a certain way and why we stayed together.
It's been far from easy and I believe that sometimes I worked harder than him and other times he worked harder on the relationship. Sometimes I have wanted to leave him and imagined life on my own but something was just there that made me stay and he stays the same.
I'm suffering with covid at the moment and not only had he been an excellent nurse but he still makes me laugh, this morning I got up had a wee and the smallest dog came to say hello so I made a fuss the biggest dog then came in for a fuss because he didn't want to be left out then the husband came into the bathroom on his hands and knees panting like a dog, and it's those little things that bond you more.

We must be utterly boring because we haven't really had a rough patch in terms on not getting on with each other. Although we have a difference of opinion we never row or fight. We have different interests, don't live in each other's pockets and do things separately and together. DH has never behaved like an arsehole, and pulls his weight in the house, and has been a great father to DD.

Our rough patcheshave been health scares - nearly losing DD when she was a baby, DH's cancer operation, and bereavements - All outside influences that we have had no control over.

Married 41 years.

That's lovely @6demandingchildren and @RampantIvy :)

Like so many pps....
Stepped back, taken some deep breaths, counted to 10.
Remembered that I'm not perfect either by a long, long way
Talked about things, calmly.
Worked out ways to make things work better.
Accepted we are 2 individuals and obviously aren't going to agree on every detail, but that overall, we are better together and probably compliment each other.
At times, gritted teeth and got through it - remembering that the time when you are both broke and not getting any sleep is probably one of the lowest points in any relationship but it is a time to 'get through' for the many years ahead when it gets easier.

When our DC were mid to latish teens we made a huge effort to get some shared interests outside the house because we both realised before we know it would be just my DH and I. So I got into walking which my DH loves and we combine it with visits to stately homes etc which I enjoy. My DH made an effort to get into cinema and theatre trips which is something I really enjoy.
This has worked well.

You just never mention the D word.

It all depends on how rough the rough patches are. If they involve abuse, then that is a clear leave decision; but if it is just that you drift apart at certain stages then sticking it out can reap rewards later. Trouble is the absence of a crystal ball!

Don't give up! DH & I have been together 26 years. I found the worst 'patches' were when the DC were little (newborn up to 3 maybe) We have a small gap between them so we were in the thick of it all for a few years and it was just very stressful. Add anything else to the mix - money worries, health problems, work issues etc and it just gets very hard to see the wood from the trees. So just keep at it. Compromise. Try not to be mean (and apologise if you are) and don't give up. I always think that when the DC are fully grown up and not needing us anymore, it'll be just me & DH again and I really want to still be able to enjoy each other's company. It's nice and it's worth working for.

I wouldn't stick around if there had been any cheating though, that's where my line is (and DH's too I'm sure)

Been together 25 years and married for 19 years.

Like others have said, we fundamentally like and get on with each other (and love each other of course!) and we are well suited. Our roughest patches were when the children (two of them close in age) were little and there was a lot of bickering, not enough time for each other and I basically put the kids first (rightly or wrongly).

We never had a big acknowledgment that there was a rough patch and I'm not even sure either of us was aware of it at the time but now the children are teenagers and we feel like it's just us again a lot of the time I can see that relationship wise, those years were quite tough. But it was a different phase of our lives and we just didn't dwell on it at the time and we both enjoyed doing family things even if there wasn't enough couple time.

My husband is basically a lovely person too and loyal and it helps that he didn't kick up a fuss just because he wasn't getting enough attention from me.

The other thing I would say is not to fall into the trap of thinking that the grass is greener. If you really try and imagine life without your husband and what the reality of that would be going forwards, is that really what you want?

27 years here - so real lows, some real highs and lots in between. There have been times when I could have easily walked, but a desire to keep the family together and finances have overridden that (although if there had been infidelity or abuse then I would definitely have gone). I think it’s really about weathering the storm and knowing that there are better times ahead.

32 years here. If I am being totally honest, we stayed together on a few occasions because I didn't feel I had any other choice. I was dependent on him financially and emotionally. But I don't necessarily see that as a negative as feeling I had no choice backed me into a corner where I had to work at the marriage.

I would say, I spent years when the children were little loving them so so much I just didn't feel dh could compete. I was very glad a few years ago to suddenly realise that I didn't feel that way anymore. The children grow up, leave home, explore their own pursuits. They aren't as 100% committed to the family unit anymore, and that is how it should be. But dh is still there, still 100% committed. Basically, we chose each other as life partners. Our children, in some respects, had no choice and just tagged along whilst they were too young to do anything else. There is something very life affirming to know someone chose you to be with them for the rest of your life. We are looking forward to retirement, and hope there will be grandchildren one day.

Also always say sorry if you have been a dick

That's lovely @Heartstopper and how I feel too. Our DC are growing up and I can see a day when they will leave home without a backward glance (like I did to my DPs), and DH and I will be alone again, and there is a part of me that's looking forward to that and I know he is too.

20 years and a great marriage but some rocky times too.
It just comes back to the classic - commitment, communication and compromise

But I also 100% agree that being with the right person is essential. My DH is fundamentally a really decent man who makes me laugh. So when we have had times when things are tough, I know there is a route back. For us tough times were always external pressures e.g small children, ill health or work stress which we’re making one or both of us temporarily unreasonable. But we do like each other and are good friends as well as romantic partners.

We've been married for 32 years and of course have had a few ups and downs, but we both believe strongly in the vows we took all those years ago and we love each other. Plus we are both stubborn as mules and determined that we'll stay together whatever life throws at us.