If you’ve been married along time, how did you get through rough patches ?

[Wolfscarf]

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Married 47 years and still bumbling along. We've had some difficult life experiences, but we've had them together. He's always been my best friend and cheerleader (he thinks I'm capable of anything...) and I'm his.

Interestingly, Steve Wright on his radio show this morning went through a list of what contributes to a happy marriage, and one that I agree wholeheartedly with was to have different interests but the same values. And this describes us perfectly.

Married over 20 years. Have had some really bad times as well as good.

One of the things that we focused on was modelling what a good marriage should look like to our daughter. My parents didn’t do this, argued openly, were critical of each other to their children, blame etc. My husband came from similar parents.

We worked really hard at displaying positive healthy, behaviour after our daughter was born. No prolonged arguing (healthy discussion, disagreement and compromise are fine), no shouting, no name calling, no discussing marriage problems with our daughter, no arguing over money, no personal attacks on the other parent.

Any serious discussion takes place once she is in bed.

We actively touch, cuddle and kiss (peck) in front of our daughter. Some days we don’t want to, but we do it. And often, we realise we do want to touch and cuddle, we just let life get in the way. We acted our way to a good marriage when she was young and it stopped being an act eventually. We get it wrong sometimes, but 80% of the time, I think we get it right.

Growing up, I used to shout to my parents ‘Stop arguing in the kitchen!’ . The other day, our daughter (8) shouted ‘You two… stop cuddling in the kitchen!’ It makes me smile.

Been with DH for 27 years, married for 21 years. 2 kids, 24 and 19.
Lots of ups, but also many downs- redundancy, illness, mental health issues with one of our kids,money worries at the moment. He irritates the hell out of me most days- I work full time at home and he's around a lot as he can't work which can be frustrating- and he's crap when anyone is ill. But none of it is his fault. He's on benefits which he hates, misses the job he loved but had to leave, and hates relying on me to sort out the finances ( he's not good with figures). I get annoyed because of the situation, not him.
So we work through it. He's not a big talker, but we'll chat about what we can do,and what he can do to make himself feel better. He would never cheat on me, or abuse me at all, never stops me from doing anything I want to do and he does all the housework! We make decisions together, so nobody gets the blame if things go wrong and we still laugh together a lot which helps massively with things.

Being able to retreat from the madness of the world together and acknowledge that we're alright, despite the turmoil. Been married 12 years now and in that time we have dealt with some serious and ongoing issues with our children and wider family. Be prepared to grow and change together, adapt and look to the future.

20 years together, 11 married. We started off with different life experiences, different backgrounds, very different ways of communicating. Shared interests and passions though, and great physical chemistry between us.

Lots of beautiful times shared. Some massive rows too!

Now with 2 small kids I think parenthood has challenged us like nothing before - I really underestimated how much we'd both default to copying our parents under pressure and when sleep-deprived (and his dad modelled some deeply unhelpful shit to him that he internalised).

Couple's counselling has been great for us, really helpful to understand the underlying issues and big patterns, useful moderating voice in the room to stop us (me) spiralling into frustration... The more we communicate the better we get on! He was just taught as a child that men don't have (or talk about) feelings, and that rubbish message is deep in him...

I am very motivated to sort our crap out and give my kids a happy home rather than LTB. Plus honestly I can be a right "B" myself especially if my hormones are raging, so I take responsibility for my own part and don't lay all the blame for our arguments at his door.

I'm a big fan of being a grown up and doing the work in a marriage, instead of pointing the finger at one person and stropping off to a messy divorce. Lots of folks I know are unhappier (and poorer) after taking that path - plus with very traumatised children... No one's marriage is a fairy tale all the time.

But also I still fancy him and he still makes me laugh - I think if you still have those things you can get through a lot together!

was thinking about this thread over the weekend. I am so grateful for my dh, so proud of us and so relieved we have stuck it out. God, its been hard at times but he is just such a wonderful man. I have had a rubbish few weeks at work, I have been snappy and irritable and he has just quietly stepped up and left me be. If it was me, I probably would have nagged him, told him he needs to still think about the boys, huffed and puffed endlessly about him being absent minded. He hasn't once. A knowing half smile when I have answered "mhm yep fine" to a question for the 100th time. A coffee waiting after my shower, £3.00 sainsburys roses with the weekly shop. He is just an ace companion.

This is a really good thread

A lot of talking. A lot of honesty. A lot of hard work.

A lot of hard work.

It really shouldn't be hard work. I can honestly say that it has never felt like hard work in 41 years of marriage.

Over 30 years. Expect that the relationship will need maintenance, just like the house does. The relationship won't stay the same and won't fit the same, all the way through. Try to think of what's good for your relationship, like a third entity - as well as what's good for you, and what's good for your partner. Agree on what constitutes trust and openness. Be honest about how you're feeling - expect that you won't always feel 100% positive about the relationship, but it doesn't usually mean it's over, more likely that it needs work. Couples counselling is a good investment - a professional can help you work on things in ways that you may struggle to do on your own.

Really agree with this.