What do you do when your child just isn’t settled in childcare?

[Longdarkroad]

I know the obvious answer is to find another setting but then what if they don’t settle then either?

I am getting bad reports every day and am very concerned.

If currently in a nursery, try and childminder. And vice versa. The different environment might suit them better?

I’m a bit worried to go down that route as the problem is we need absolutely watertight childcare - it’s so hard, as it feels a bit better the devil you know. I’m so worried.

How old is the child and how long have they been in the setting?

I agree with Nikki. If your child is not happy, they need to be moved to somewhere that suits them. There will be 'somewhere'.

You do not say (& you don't have to), what the bad reports consist of.

No childcare is watertight, it just isn't. Choose the best place where your child will thrive, using location and cost as parameters for your search.

One of DHs colleagues uses a childminder and is constantly out - it’s unfair but for this reason he wouldn’t consider using a childminder.

He is nearly 2, he is quite unkind to other children.

He's quite unkind? What does that mean? What is actually happening at the childcare setting?

He is showing behaviour like pushing and hurting others, general aggressiveness which is probably the wrong word but helps explain what I mean.

Could you get someone to come to your house to care for him at home?

How is this behaviour dealt with at home and at the setting? Two year olds can be quite aggressive as they sometimes lack the communication skills to tell us how they feel.

A new setting isn't going to change the behaviour magically.

I’m not sure what they do at nursery - but if he does it when he’s around another child with me I say no and move him away. Not sure if I should be doing anything else. My main worry is it feels like they don’t like him much.

You need to speak to the manager and find out exactly what is happening at nursery and how are they dealing with it. You need to take on a similar approach at both home and nursery.

We had success with ours with helping them to name their emotions.

So my son would get so frustrated that he'd throw toys etc. we stop him and say no, then when he was calm talk to him about feeling frustrated. Gave him the word and told him it's ok to feel frustrated (or angry or sad etc) but that it wasn't ok to throw things. He can say the feeling and blow it away or go to a safe space to calm down.

It took work but it helped him to process the big feelings.

He’s very behind with his communication. He’d never be able to do that

I don’t think it’s at all unusual for a verbally behind 2YO to be frustrated and act ‘aggressively’ (for want of a better word) as a result. I’d ask your GP about getting his hearing checked and ask about a referral to speech therapy, if there isn’t an obvious medical reason such as glue ear. And in the meantime ask for a meeting with the nursery manager about what exactly is going on there and how they handle it so you can stay consistent.

I know but the problem is whatever you do just doesn’t work. I can’t pull him out as I have to work.

Hearings been checked - is all fine.

He can do this as it's a process. Day one he won't be able to sit there and say 'I'm frustrated mummy so I'm going to go and hit John over there.'

But gradually over time as his language develops then he can start to put names to emotions.

If his language is behind have you asked for a referral for speech therapy and perhaps for any ND.

Mostly though ask for a meeting with nursery and see what is happening and what strategies they are using.

It’s very hard, because I don’t know exactly where he should be. He should be due a review soon I think - two year one? I’m guessing he’ll fail it and hopefully be flagged for additional support then.

Smaller nursery?

Yep he should have one, but keep in mind that some kids take longer to talk than others. Especially if they were very quick to develop gross motor skills or they are being brought up bilingual. Being a first child can also mean they are slower than their peers with speech.

All 2 year olds though develop their emotions quicker than the language to deal with them. It's why the tantrums are there. They cannot verbalise how they feel and we need to help them do that.

It takes time and practice and my almost 6 year old still needs help to regulate his emotions.

It's not your fault though that he acts like this. It's not your fault that he's in childcare while you work. You've done nothing wrong. These kids don't come with instructions.

Talk to your health visitors, don't want for the review. Talk to nursery, engage with them on strategies.

Thanks @Twizbe . I feel reluctant to ask nursery as I just feel they hate him. I know I am letting my emotions get the better of me and they don’t but it’s so so hard picking him up and having them pull faces and say there have been occasions where he’s been displaying unwanted behaviour.

I am avoiding engaging with HV because I don’t want to hear how behind he is, you do blame yourself.

I wouldn’t send my child to a childcare setting I felt hated them….
so I’d start exploring other options as suggested by pp

But anywhere will if he’s hurting other children and making them unhappy. This is my real fear.

Being unkind is normal. It can last up to 3 months. Best to try to get a playdate in with another child so that next time instead of him trying to establish how space through action, he goes to a child he is familiar with.

It's pretty normal exploratory behaviour at his age to push, pull hair and even bite. It doesn't mean it's easy to deal with in a busy baby room but neither is it unusual behaviour.

Is he the eldest in a baby room or the youngest in a toddler room?

He’ll probably be going up to the next room in the next six months so he’s on the older side. Dreading ‘parents evening.’ I feel like it’s just going to be about how aggressive he is.