What do you do when your child just isn’t settled in childcare?

[Longdarkroad]

I know the obvious answer is to find another setting but then what if they don’t settle then either?

I am getting bad reports every day and am very concerned.

I don't mean this to come across badly (it's really not meant that way!) but you sound a bit overwhelmed OP? You know there's something not right here and I wonder if because you're afraid it might be more than standard "being a 2 year old" behaviour you are worried to do anything at all? In case it confirms it?

I'm sorry if that's not the case and I've misinterpreted what you've said. If it is the case then I can completely understand why you might feel that way but this is clearly on your mind and it may well not be as bad as you might fear? Can it be worse than worrying all the time and thinking your DS is in an environment where they hate him?

I think I would speak to the nursery first. Take some control in the situation. See what they think and what they suggest. You don't have to face it all at once, just take one step at a time.

A childminder that takes their charges out a lot may actually suit him better.

This is also very true! Our childminder has a forest school ethos and they are out everyday on forest walks and the like, DS2 is 3 and absolutely loves it!

Problem is if the childminder lost clients because of his behaviour we’d be back to square one. And I don’t think DH would go for it anyway.

@Sunshinegirl82 I’m fairly resigned to something not being right.

I agree with @Sunshinegirl82 I wonder if you've gone a bit head in the sand on this one because you're scared of the what if ...

If it is more than the terrible 2s the sooner you get help the better for all of you.

Please bite the bullet and engage with the HV and nursery and listen to what they say. It can be hard at first but engaging in the support can become very positive.

I’m not ‘not engaging’ or being head in the sand, the nursery haven’t given me anything to go off and I haven’t seen the HV for over a year. As I’ve said it’s his two year review soon, I’m expecting he will fail it and then we’ll hear what happens next.

If you are burying your head in the sand because you think there could be underlying issues then they aren't just going to go away. Speak to nursery and ask what they think. Is it a behavioural issue that needs more attention/strategy or is it potentially a SEN issue.

Sounds like he’d benefit from the 1-on-1 care of a nanny.

Nurseries pretty much are!

You can't really 'fail' the review.... they just ring you in another 6 months to check up. It doesn't just magic up support.

I feel like people aren’t reading.

No one is burying their head in the sand, I’ve said quite openly and honestly on here that I am sure there is something not right. He clearly isn’t developing as other children are. Forcing me to say this over and over isn’t helpful. I’m sorry but it isn’t.

@Longdarkroad it’s very hard to hear that your child isn’t developing as expected. But as a parent you want what’s best for your child right? Early help is what’s best for your child. Tell nursery you’re concerned. Call the HV number and tell them you’re concerned. Get that ball rolling. That’s what a parent who wants the best for their child does. Work with all the professionals you can get him in front of.

Okay, my eldest son was EXACTLY like that at nursery, and my youngest (2 years old currently) is a bit like that as well (threw a train at a child the other day). I'm a great parent (I think), I'm very firm, fairly strict, and have high expectations of behaviour. The issues stopped with my oldest son - he's 4 now and lovely. My youngest will be fine too - he's nowhere as bad as my oldest son was (he was biting, hitting, kicking, everything!).

But the thing is, never once did my childcare provider make me feel like they didn't like my child - either of them. They were nothing but supportive and communicative to me, and, at least outwardly, seemed to really like my sons. That's the kind of staff you need working with your child. I was often mortified at my son's behaviour and they were just lovely to me. If you feel like the staff don't like your son, it's possible you son feels that too. I would at least consider another setting.

I also know what your husband means about nursery versus childminder- that was our reason for nursery too. However, I'd have considered a childminder if we absolutely had to - you never know, it might suit your son better. My eldest also behaved better when I shortened his days a little. He was exhausted.

There’s no pass or fail on a development check. Just pointers and help.

If you think there is an issue seek out advice instead of avoiding the professionals. One of mine was a late talker. SLT really helped.

I wouldn't be waiting for the 2 year check but making a Drs appointment and asking for a referral or at least ringing HV service and asking them to refer him.

The main thing is that nothing is working at the moment and as far as I can see there’s no way around this. Moving settings would probably be disruptive and no guarantee it would be any better, and I can’t take him out altogether. I’m just very tired and sad and worried.

Given your updates I think a meeting with nursery would be really helpful. Have you asked them directly if they have concerns about your DS's development? Or what strategies they are using in the setting in response to the behaviours they are describing? I think knowing both those things would be a really good start.

Is there perhaps a nursery in the area that has a strong reputation for SEND? An environment used to dealing with developmental delays/SEN might be better suited to support you both and you may feel he is more "welcome" or understood?

This is literally what you said. You're reluctant to ask, you're avoiding engaging.

OP, I know it's tough but you need a bit of gumption and get up and go here. You know something isn't right with your child - don't sit back and wait for things to happen. Contact the HV/GP and push for the support your child needs.

You'll need to get practised at being the squeaky wheel if your child does have SEN, because it often requires a lot of pushing various agencies to get the right support for them. And it starts here.

You can't afford to be this passive when it comes to your child, really.

Not quite, as I get told anyway. I don’t really see the point of standing around talking about how bad he is for even longer, tbh. I am told at handover every day how aggressive he’s been. What else should I be doing? Again, I mean that genuinely, but when you hear every day that he’s doing horrible things, what is to be gained by ‘tell me again / in more detail?’

He’s having his two year check soon.

Like I say everyone I feel I am being awkward here which is not my intention and I don’t wish to do that. But what is the point of demanding that I am told something I already know? It’s like asking for an appointment to tell me what colour eyes he has, or hair. I already know that he is behind other children.

And from everything I have read they won’t diagnose or offer any sort of additional support for quite some time anyway. As people have pointed out re the two year check. So really, the only point is to confirm he’s behind other children and I already know this.

Also HVs can work/liaise with nursery to get a more complete picture of a child's behaviour, including visiting nursery to see a child in that environment. Have nursery said anything about potential SEN? Have you had any SALT involvement for his slow speech development?

At hand over they have a few mins max and the child is there (and can hear it all)

You and your husband need to go and have more time with the nursery team to fully understand what he does, what they do when he does it, what you can both do together, do they see any other behaviour that suggests further investigation needed.

My son was diagnosed as a selective mute at age 2. If he'd not been at nursery we'd have never known or got him the support he needed to overcome that issue.

No, there are long waiting lists and he hasn’t seen anybody since he was ten months anyway. Perhaps it is different in other parts of the country but here it is a non starter.

What are the nursery suggesting to you/saying? I wouldn’t wait for a parents evening I’d ask for a meeting to talk about his behaviour. They may be gagging for you to engage with them before it becomes an issue that they just can’t manage. It’s one thing to talk about the day but a conversation centred on how you’re going to work together to help your ds would be valuable I think.

I would be shocked if they didn’t have suggestions of strategies or of what you need to raise with your HV.