What do you do when your child just isn’t settled in childcare?

[Longdarkroad]

I know the obvious answer is to find another setting but then what if they don’t settle then either?

I am getting bad reports every day and am very concerned.

The w

@Twizbe your earlier posts were very helpful and thank you. As I have said, he has parents evening next week, but I am dreading this. I do not want to spend time being told the child I brought into this world is inherently unpleasant and unfortunately that is the impression that I am very much getting. There is nothing to be gained by going to different people to be told what I know myself.

What is possibly helpful is intervention to support but until he’s been diagnosed that won’t be forthcoming. And he won’t be diagnosed for a long time.

The waiting lists for the support services are long too. You want to get on them ASAP.

Phone the HV and ask for an appointment. Ask nursery if they know any specialist services you can self refer to.

The earlier you proactively seek help, the better.

They are literally just saying that he’s aggressive to other kids and then specify the incidents. They haven’t made any suggestions. I really don’t know what I could do after the event. So I guess you’d better be shocked

I think people are just frustrated because you're basically holding your hands up saying 'well there's nothing I can do' when that's not the case. You haven't spoken about it to nursery, you haven't contacted your HV, you haven't spoken to the GP, you don't seem to have really done anything 🤷‍♀️

Early intervention with speech can happen now, as can stuff like checking for glue ear and other things that should be ruled out. Also the sooner you are on the radar and have a HV in your corner, the better it is for getting support in future.

Frankly you need a bit of a kick up the arse I think. This isn't about you, it's about your son, his needs and his future. So speak to nursery and have a proper discussion about it and ask them for their advice.

have you asked the nursery what they’d suggest or for help?

I agree endless conversations just listing bad behaviours is unhelpful but your nursery (assuming UK) have obligations too which include more than just telling you about problems.

Ok well I would be asking what happened in the run up to these incidents. Is the room very noisy? Have they just eaten? Is it during free play or structured play? Has he had enough sleep? Has he had enough food.

What are they doing to prevent him getting to that stage where he hits out? How do they communicate with him? Are they helping him to express his feelings? Are they using pictograms, sign language ...

Does he react similarly at home?

Then get on the list. It isn't getting any shorter.

In my local authority they do drop in SALT triage sessions so they can get them started on the process even if there is a wait

I would be asking how closing they are supervising him to intervene before anyone gets hurt because that is their job!

I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall here.

Your son isn't unpleasant he's 2 and potentially 2 with some other support needs.

You need to have a proper conversation with nursery. After that, if you feel they have no help to give, then look at alternative settings.

Even getting on the list can open doors to support. My son's preschool was able to access extra funding for him before he was diagnosed. They were able to get an idea of what might be the issue before he was diagnosed. They were able to change their approach to support him before he was diagnosed.

Op. I mean this with love, if your child has special needs then you will need to pull your big girl pants up and FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT to get him the help he needs and deserves.
You will have to be that parent making those phone calls and requesting help until it is at a level where he is safe and others around him are safe in whatever setting. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't just expect the "help" to land in your lap at his two year check, it will not and you will have to keep on being persistent.

Maybe just leave it then @Twizbe as to be honest I didn’t post for the advice you are very insistent about giving and I’m actually finding your posts a bit aggressive in themselves. I’m sure that is not the intention.

I do not need to fight for anything at this moment in time. I’m simply wondering about childcare.

You give no indication that your son isn't settled in to childcare, more than he has behavioural issues which are not being addressed. You think he has SEN but are unwilling to address them or fight for support for him... have I missed something?

Ok then, in answer to your title only - you speak with the childcare provider to see if you can, together, identify any resolvable issues. If that fails you find an alternative provider. You also accept that there is no such thing as ‘water tight’ childcare unless you have a lot of cash and no qualms about using services like emergency nannies who won’t have met your dc 🤷‍♀️

EYFS practitioner here. I think moving him could be disruptive, but if your nursery can’t offer him the support he needs then I would be looking at it. We are currently nursery hunting for our first born, and one of my questions is about SEND provision. One nursery is part of a chain so they have a SENDCO who moves between the sites, offering support to staff and helping parents identify and complete the relevant paperwork. Other, smaller, ones obviously don’t have such a comprehensive (or allegedly comprehensive) offering. Ask your nursery for their inclusion policy, or about their SEND provision. I would also be asking for a behaviour log, identifying the circumstances before, during, and after the incident. Often the “before” part, which is crucial, is missed. As PP have said, is he hungry? Is it loud? Are certain toys a trigger? This needs identifying.

In the meantime, yes to HV, GP and anyone else who has a waiting list you can get on. Is there a children’s centre near you? Referrals can be unpleasant reading because it is effectively a list of what is going wrong (ie a written version of what you are being told verbally). It is possible the nursery are, in a fairly clumsy way, trying to document this.

Yes, quite a lot.

You have missed that there is no support to fight for. There’s nothing anyone can do at this age or stage. It is a waiting game, and I’m waiting.

The thread has been thrown off course quite a lot. It is very upsetting to pick your child up every day to a setting where they tell you he has been unpleasant (of course they don’t use those words but that’s the gist) and one of the suggestions was a good one I am sure but way beyond the comprehension of ds at this stage.

I know (because I’m not blind or deaf and use google) he is quite a bit behind other children, and of course this upsets me. But until he’s a bit older, there isn’t much anyone can do. I’m doing everything I can at home, but all this lovely support that you all speak of just doesn’t exist.

I’d appreciate it if we could stop attacking me for having not picked up the phone to demand a GP appointment; have people not noticed that they are rather hard to get?

You think your child is behind but you're not willing to do anything about it? You're not willing to fight to get him additional support? Why not?

Did you plan the pregnancy? Are you enjoying being a parent? Could you maybe hand control of the situation to your child's father, could he get him the help he needs?

Support is hard to get but impossible if you don't try. Doesn't your son deserve at least a little bit of effort on that front?

I just really wish I could take him out altogether but obviously this isn’t an option. It must be horrible for the other children having him there. I posted in a very low mood this afternoon (am still very low actually.)

You are so wrong OP. It absolutely does exist. You just have to know where to look, ask and fight for it.

Can we please stop these horrible posts that are heavily inferring my terrible parenting is preventing my DS accessing all of this lovely support that if you make the right noises comes along without a problem? I know he is behind but I do not know why and I don’t particularly want things to be a self fulfilling prophecy - could well be my parenting rather than something inherently wrong.

It most definitely will be your parenting if you don't investigate.
You will never ever get an answer to any of your "problems" unless you seek professional help. I don't mean a GP, I don't think this is medical... a meeting with the nursery and then your HV should be the first port of call. As many others have said.

I am meeting with the nursery next week for parents evening, as I have said.

So get some help and find out!

This level of apathy is making me think you might be depressed, OP. Have you thought about talking to someone about that?

Preschool practitioner here. The setting isn’t right for your son. Nor does it sound like that great a setting. The staff should be talking to you, helping you, finding ways to accommodate your son and his needs, helping you to access any help he may need. Do they have a Senco? I’d be looking to have a meeting with someone (his key worker, the senco, the manager etc).
we absolutely do not address negative behaviour with a parent unless we are also offering help, suggestions etc.

please talk to the nursery, in more detail about what they/you can do, work together to help your son settle and progress. If they can’t, won’t or your not happy, look for another setting.