What do you do when your child just isn’t settled in childcare?

[Longdarkroad]

I know the obvious answer is to find another setting but then what if they don’t settle then either?

I am getting bad reports every day and am very concerned.

I can completely understand that, it's a lot and the worry of whether there might be an underlying issue causing developmental delays or whether they are, in fact, simply delays and your child will "catch up" is really hard. Especially when you know you may not get a definite answer for a long time, it can all feel very beyond your control.

You already have a meeting with nursery next week. Can you take DH/DP with you for support? Can you put together a list of questions before you go?

If, after that meeting, you don't feel the nursery are supportive of you and DS or that they have a plan of some sort to approach the situation as a whole then I would seriously consider another setting. No nursery should be talking about a two year old in a negative way. All behaviour is communication, he's only a baby still.

If you get to that point I'd be upfront when looking at other settings. That you have some concerns about development and are looking for a setting that has experience of those sorts of challenges and can provide strong support to you and your DS. Ask about their SEND provision and how they communicate with parents on these issues, maybe even ask to speak to their SENCO.

Hi , really sorry you are going through this. I think you should change the setting, pulling faces and getting the impression they don't like him is horrible. My daughter is 26 months and she is also behind in her communication. Never pointed, no real words. She has also been aggressive to other children, but she goes through phases. The nursery have been nothing but supportive ( I guess this could change in future) for example they put her in a smaller group for children with additional needs etc. He doesn't understand his behaviour, getting annoyed or angry at him is pointless. Change the nursery setting

I hear you, and it’s really hard to not put a lot of importance on these things but there’s really such a wide range that falls within ‘normal’ at this age you’re putting so much pressure on yourself and your ds that doesn’t really need to be there. I do think you’ve got a lot riding on his two year check when the reality is that any actions are still likely to be slow moving. Waiting lists are a factor but also the fact he’s two and expectations of communication skills are fairly low.

At this age you are kind of mentally filing things away to keep an eye on whilst dealing with the here and now. It’s all information that might complete a picture in the future but right now isn’t conclusive of anything. Right now is about trying to find ways of getting through to a toddler and they’re all different with different motivators. Again this is where different settings and people come in useful for different perspectives and suggestions.

The formal checks is a good time to raise concerns and to remember that the onus is on them to provide you with support for specific ones - things like speech, hearing, behaviour - even if a more encompassing formal assessment/diagnosis is some way off. If you’re still not confident about your parenting there’s help for you specifically if you want it - courses, books etc.

Thanks, for these kind replies.

I don’t think the nursery dislike him but I am finding it hard not to feel emotional and upset at it.

i think I’m just going to have to ask directly what they want me to be doing, as I can’t really sit down and have a stern word with him at this age!

I think that’s a really good plan @Longdarkroad. if you can have a direct conversation with them you’ll be able to gauge better whether you need to move him or not.

it might be easier and more digestible for you to try via email if you can, rather than trying to grab someone at drop off/pick up.

I work in a nursery and have seen most things. For a start you should never feel that the setting hates your child, no matter how difficult a child has been we've always worked with parents together to deal with it. It sounds like the nursery are just being negative and not actually coming up with any solutions. I can honestly say apart from very rarely one or two, every child that's come to us starts off with sharing issues as they adjust to a group setting and this often displays as hitting. If your son is also not able to communicate then that will be part of the frustration too. How long has your son been at the nursery? How is his understanding? Children can have delayed speech for many reasons, I would definitely say to see the HV for your 2 year check and then engage with the nursery, they will be doing their own two year check. HV should refer you for speech and language however depending on where you live waiting lists can be quite long - ours in London is 18 months almost which is disgusting tbh!

Also long dark road it shouldnt take for a diagnosis for intervention from nursery - nursery will have experience of this and should be putting things in place to help your son and also to safeguard the other children/ prevent.

Well, exactly, they are very very long. Depending how things go I may look at paying for private input. I know he’s very behind other children in terms of language but his understanding seems pretty good. He does however get very overwhelmed and upset and then won’t ‘listen’ to any sort of ‘reason.’ Have had quite a hard week with him in all honesty.

Yes, definitely start with that. One step at a time. Don’t feel overwhelmed. Try to be kind to yourself

Perhaps, once you've spoken with the nursery you could make some initial enquiries with some private speech and language therapists to see what the options are? It seems you've already identified that his speech is delayed so perhaps that's an area you could start getting some support with quite soon?

As I understand it a lot will allow you to do an initial assessment for a one off fee, you don't have to commit to regular sessions straightaway.

That's a positive if his understanding is good, and at that age you won't be able to reason with him that wouldn't be expected. Just keep speech short and simple, distract when doing something he isn't mean to. I will also say not to panic too much as we have also noticed at nursery these little 2 year olds coming through now are a little behind, lockdown babies haven't had the same socialisation. I would honestly just go and talk to the nursery, try to go in with a positive frame of mind as hard as that will be and think of questions you want to ask them. They obviously will have to tell you the negatives but there should also be positives too. They should also broach if they are worried and ask if you have concerns too. Most of ours we wouldn't refer until after a two year check as it takes a while to get enough evidence together anyway if we have wider concerns and it can take a long time for children to fully settle and be themselves sometimes to do this and get a full picture. It also helps if the HV has seen them at the two year check to get the ball rolling. Nursery can and should sort this out if you are worried and if not you should contact your GP, although health visitor should refer if you have worries over speech. Please do not worry, honestly he will speak it just takes some children longer than others. I would also say if you still feel nursery has been negative I would go and look round some others and consider swapping him. We have had a few come to us from elsewhere and I think you really need to have great communication with where your child is spending a lot of their time and have that trust and relationship.

We had exactly this, including the delayed speech and it was so hard. I think the (outstanding, highly sought after) nursery was trying to convince us he was a psycho.

We moved him to a very small nursery with a very loving feel (but also strict). Very personal. He's thrived and it's like a distant nightmare. I really hope that happens to you too.

For our DS, humour and connection worked, but traditional processes did NOT. I think nursery for too business like for him.

Behaviour is communication he's unhappy and struggling . You need to figure out what would suit him? Smaller settling, quieter? More active? Can family help? It's not really about you or yr dh it's about your child and what's best for him. Speak to the nursery about his developmental delays ask for the senco to observe him. Get in touch with the hv and ask for his review and request a speech and language appointment. The quicker you figure out what's going on the better equipt you will be to support him. What's he like at home? Any concerns beyond speech? It's not your fault if your child can not manage the nursery environment and it's not your fault if he has developmental delays. But it is your fault if you don't deal with them.

I apologise for getting frustrated and for upsetting you. That wasn't my intention.

I really hope that you can have a productive meeting with nursery next week. Hopefully after that you'll either have a plan of action with nursery, or a clearer idea that another setting would be better for him.

Do look to see if your area has drop in SALT. That first session with my son was so useful as it got us in the system and sign posted us to help for the meantime.

I think it depends on the childminder you choose, you get a gut instinct, I've been a childminder for 35 years and only have time off, if I have something the children can catch.
Go and visit some childminders as for references or ask them to ask some of their current parents can you give them a call, they will tell you if they're happy and if the minder has a lot of time off. X

OP, I've read the whole thread. It sounds like you are under a lot of stress and sometimes when we are under stress we misinterpret others' actions and motivations. For example I've noticed that you often seem to be interpreting other posters as attacking you or judging your parenting, whereas it seems to me that they are only trying to help. I also think there's a chance you might be misreading the nursery's attitude to your DS, particularly if you are already worried about him and blaming yourself for his developmental delays (rest assured, you are absolutely NOT to blame). Before you consider moving him I think it's a good idea to have a discussion with the nursery, but try not to approach it from the perspective that they don't like your DS. Try to think about his behaviour as a challenge that you and the nursery are going to work together to overcome. Focus on the substance of what the nursery actually say and do and try not to read too much in to body language, facial expressions etc or jump to conclusions about what they might be thinking.

If after speaking to the nursery you still have concerns, then I would not hesitate to look at other childcare options. A year ago my DS was having issues that were affecting his ability to settle in nursery, although his particular issues were quite different to your DS. Basically they kept telling me he was withdrawn and lacking confidence, and he didn't enjoy going there, used to cry when I left him etc. I moved him to a different nursery and he has really thrived there, he actually looks forward to Monday when he can go there again. Sometimes a particular childcare setting just isn't a good fit, and it's no one's fault. Good luck.

@Longdarkroad is there any update on this?

He's not even two, still a baby. It's an unfortunate fact that lots of little ones of your son's age are a bit heavy with other kids but they are told not to and outgrow it. I'd have thought a nursery would have been used to that.

Maybe an experienced child minder or a daily nanny would suit him better.