What do you do when your child just isn’t settled in childcare?

[Longdarkroad]

I know the obvious answer is to find another setting but then what if they don’t settle then either?

I am getting bad reports every day and am very concerned.

Okay, good start.
Now make a list of questions, there's lots of good suggestions in this thread regarding SEN Provision and triggers for a start.
No nursery worth their salt will tell you your child is horrible, they probably want to help you.

Of course I am depressed.

There is nothing to be gained by going to different people to be told what I know myself.

If you feel he has got SN/delayed development then there is a lot to be gained.
You’re right that he won’t be diagnosed immediately but he can be put on the pathway for diagnosis. The sooner the better really if he’s struggling in nursery. I wouldn’t wait to see the HV - start the ball rolling yourself now.

In the meantime, I’d arrange a meeting with the nursery and discuss you feel he’s got possible SN/delayed development and see what additional support they can put in place while you await diagnosis.

Discus with them how to manage his ‘aggression’ consistently at home and in nursery so you are both on the same page.
There are resources for children with SN to help. You may have to use very different strategies you would with an NT child (social stories aimed at his age, pictures, modelling what to do, play type modelling - teddy hits dolly and dolly is very sad, what teddy can do differently when he feels cross etc). It may take A LOT of repetition if he’s got SN and you may have to try and figure out what works for him/what he can understand.

Have nursery said what’s causing him to hurt other children? Is it because he’s struggling to share with them, play with them or communicate for example? Figuring out what’s causing it will make it easier to help.

Well if you won't even bother yourself trying then of course that lovely support isn't there 🤷‍♀️

I'm struggling to understand or relate to this level of apathy about your own child if I'm honest and also the fact you seem more interested in what nursery staff and other children think and how you don't want to hear about it than actually trying to help your child. It's all very odd.

Also do you have a local drop in speech and language service? Might be worth accessing this if you can.
fwiw - my now 4 year old was the same as you describe with delayed speech and unkind behaviour, he’s a different boy now. They can and do change.

Look, delays in individual domains aren’t necessarily symptoms of a wider issue. But improving his communication skills can only help. Seeking SLT, for instance, can’t possibly become a “self fulfilling prophecy”.

Yes you might have to pay for a short course of something if you can afford it. Waiting lists are ridiculous, but don’t avoid the HV. The good ones can make helpful suggestions.

If anything I think the problem is that you are too down on your own parenting. Ease up on yourself, but find constructive things to try. You’ll feel better. Also, every single time the nursery gives you a doom report ask them “What strategies are you trying? What can we do at home to be on the same page? What do you suggest?” That might throw up helpful strategies and it will make it very hard for them to judge you.

I saw your post and felt a sinking in my stomach as that’s how things started with DS (9). We finally got an ASC diagnosis this summer. It doesn’t seem to have helped much yet but I wish I’d been more insistent with GP etc when he was younger.

That could also be impacting your son's behaviour. Are you getting any help? A low dose antidepressant can make a huge difference.

Sorry, got cut off. But this is not about me.

I feel as if the thread is going round in endless and to be honest unhelpful circles. Ds has been attending nursery for three days a week for over a year now. I have always been friendly, polite, since about 17 months highly apologetic and willing to listen and engage. I am not in any way trying to stick my fingers in my ears: on the contrary I have said quite openly that I do not think ds is developing ‘normally’ and I have been forthcoming in that this could well be my fault.

Where we differ in opinion is that I do not see anything to be gained by demanding he sees specialists who will just say that it is too early to tell. Far better to wait until his two year review when we have a clearer idea of exactly where and how far behind he is - if it was still several months away fair enough but it is a matter of just a couple of weeks.

There’s nothing anyone can do at this age or stage

This just isn’t true. Any kind of formal diagnosis, you may well be right, but there really are a lot of strategies and support you can access now. You do have to ask for it though, your sons behaviour isn’t outside the realms of normal for his age group so isn’t necessarily enough to raise concerns iyswim.

You’re ahead in some respects because the nursery can gather formal reports of your dc’s needs and what strategies he does and doesn’t respond to. that’s another advantage of a nursery (or childcare in general) you have the point of view of a fairly neutral observer.

Please go to the GP OP.
There is no "of course" you are depressed.
Please handle things in a range of ways, please reach out for support.

Yes @MolliciousIntent i am quite sure it is all down to me, but that isn’t making me feel better funnily enough.

I really don’t need to see a GP thanks.

On a lighter note I think this thread would probably qualify for most taken off topic.

I may well consider calling a couple of other settings tomorrow.

Too early to tell what?

You said his communication was delayed. So you can tell that.

Stip thinking everything is your fault. Things happen sometimes quite randomly.

As I previously stated. You haven't said your child is unsettled at nursery. You've said he has behavioural difficulties but has not specified a cause. You have had lots of helpful advice on this thread. I would wait to meet with the nursery prior to jumping the gun moving him, as you may well cause more difficulties as moving setting is very disruptive for children.

So do something about it!

I honestly don't understand you. Your son is obviously struggling and you're more concerned about nursery not liking him than you are getting him any help.

Yes, the lists are long, but he won't get help unless he's on the list. Yes, GP appointments are hard to come by, but you won't get one unless you ask for one.

You don't seem like you're in a position to act in your son's best interests here. Can your DH take the reins and manage interactions with nursery and the HV etc?

I realise people think they are being helpful, but it isn’t helpful to be repeatedly told to do things that are going to be happening within a very short timeframe anyway.

@MolliciousIntent i have to admit I am not really understanding what I’m doing that is so awful here. But that is by the by I suppose, I’m sure you’ll come back for another kick. Right where it hurts the most, I imagine.

@Longdarkroad it isn’t all down to you, your son is his own person and will have his own responses to situations. There’s only so much you can teach anyone about social skills so, so, so much of it is down to their individual experience. You’re there to provide a loose theory to him and that’s really hard at his age.

The reason so many children grow out of behaviours after two is because they start gaining awareness of cause/effect as well as benefits to themselves. If they want other children to play with them they can’t hurt them or snatch or whatever.

Never, ever rely on an educational setting to correctly identify and vigorously pursue issues. Sometimes they do, but sometimes they miss things.

@Cornettoninja this is what’s so hard. I read things - on here mainly - that are so contradictory and I end up so confused and so muddled about what is normal and what is not.

Today I mostly just feel weary and confused and overwhelmed. I want to have this two year review so we can establish exactly where he’s behind and hopefully where he can catch up. Rightly or wrongly I do blame myself for his language not coming on as other childrens seems to have.

You're aware that your son is struggling and you're not getting him any help. That's pretty shit, tbh. I don't understand how you can't see that.

I think you are stuck in a bit of a rut of defeatist thinking OP and it is stopping you from taking steps forward. You don't feel you need to see your own gp for your low mood perhaps because you don't think that will help either? It feels as though you feel sort of stuck? And that nothing can be done about any of it? You want it to change but it feels impossible?

I think it's quite likely that your low mood is, at the very least, a big contributing factor to your thought processes on this. Have you spoken to your DH/DP? What is his view in things as they are? Is he supportive?

You have said in your posts that you feel your DS is disliked at nursery but you are concerned about moving him to another setting as you think things will be the same there. You won't consider a childminder. Again, I don't mean this unkindly, but what sort of answers to this childcare situation are you looking for?

In order to know if this is the right setting you will need to have a full cards on table discussion with the nursery. Your DS is 2, his behaviour is not his fault. He's trying to communicate, he's not doing it to purposely upset anyone. It's not about a diagnosis it's about his needs. Can this setting meet his needs? That's what you need to get to the bottom of.

@MetellaInHortoEst that is another concern, actually.

When we received a report from nursery a couple of months ago they reported that he could not do things I know he can, like climbing steps - he wasn’t even fourteen months when he vanished at Warwick castle and we found him at the top of a VERY steep (and dangerous - now there’s bad parenting!) laughing his head off and very pleased with himself. They identified that as an ‘emerging’ skill.

But then they have also said he has said things I’ve never heard him say. I’m not saying he hasn’t as he could just have said as a one off at nursery but I do wonder sometimes if they make it up!

Just thinking out loud to be honest @Sunshinegirl82 . The initial posts were helpful, anyway. I do feel a bit overwhelmed with what the best thing to do next is. It’s horrible coming away feeling cowed and upset. I had a ‘break’ from it where it seemed he’d really turned a corner for a couple of months but now we’re back to unwanted behaviour. And he is like that with other children, which puts me off social situations tbh.