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Original poster

Does your DH use his initiative?

102 replies

confusedlots · 13/11/2022 20:47

I guess this is another mental load one, but it's really getting to me lately that DH never uses his initiative with anything!

I asked him to make sure he had a decent suit to wear for a funeral, as he doesn't wear suits often and I couldn't remember what it was like. Said he'd done it, then the night before the funeral he decides to look for a shirt and tie and realises he doesn't have a decent white shirt. Didn't think to look for a shirt at the same time as looking at the suit. And if I hadn't said to him about the suit, he wouldn't have thought to check it out in the first place and could well have realised the night before the funeral he didn't have anything appropriate to wear.

Child was sick, he didn't think about the fact they may well not be able to go to school the next day and how we might manage that if we're both meant to be working.

I am just mentally exhausted. I feel like I have to think about everything, including things that a person should naturally just sort out themselves without being told what to do, like sorting out what they're going to wear to a funeral.

I was actually just thinking tonight, do some husband's just start up a conversation like,..... Is DD taking packed lunches or school dinners tomorrow, and if it's packed lunches what food do we have in the house or do we need to go to the shop? Because that would never happen in my house, I would be totally astonished if those words were to come out of DH's mouth.

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 13/11/2022 21:03

Do you think this is a discussion that you could have with him an say that you have an expectation that he needs to take on and carry more?

Or do you think its some for of weaponised incompetence - pending he can't so that there is little to no expectation of him.

Is there some stuff that you could take a step back on. ensuring he is the point of call for emergencies with the school? having alternate days for sporting lunches etc?

MolliciousIntent · 13/11/2022 21:05

Yes, he does. He's a competent adult and an equal parent. More than, as he's the SAHP.

Has yours always been like this? I can't imagine ever being attracted to a man who couldn't manage to dress himself for a funeral, but I know some of them talk a good game and then drop the act once you're stuck.

Wildeheart · 13/11/2022 21:15

PP said it - it’s weaponised incompetence. I suggest trying it on for size yourself. The next time a problem comes up, play dumb - wide eyed, offer no solutions, panic, look to him for the answer - and don’t ever remind him something for his own benefit as you are not his fucking PA.

Wildeheart · 13/11/2022 21:16

On a different note, is your DH employed? If he is, is he good at his job or does he also lack initiative there?

lljkk · 13/11/2022 21:19

Mine is bossy & despairs of me being a slattern but knows I don't give a shiny, so he just huffs around doing things "his way" in a passive-aggressive tinged way Which is how I imagine many MNers are with their menfolk. I suppose he has plenty of initiative, tbf.

shoogled · 13/11/2022 21:22

My dh makes the packed lunches so buys what we need. He also shopped with the children (and me) for funeral outfits and steamed everyones clothes and polished shoes - we work together and pick up if sonething needs doing.

Regularsizedrudy · 13/11/2022 21:22

He’s not thinking because you are doing it for him. Stop.

I do not involve myself in what clothes my husband has because why would I? He’s an adult and he can sort it out himself. Our children are just that, OURS. So we both plan what they need together.

Workyticket · 13/11/2022 21:23

I've discovered that dh is better when I'm not there

I've been away this weekend and he's done a food shop sorted the laundry so ds would have uniform, done a tip run and took ds out for a meal

CatGrins · 13/11/2022 21:23

My husband does all our food shopping. Everything. That includes remembering the children need packed lunch things if we run out, the Christmas menu, sorting out food for guests, etc. I'm crao at that.

I have my strengths elsewhere so we don't mind picking up the slack for each other as no-one can be reasonable for everything.

Regularsizedrudy · 13/11/2022 21:23

Workyticket · 13/11/2022 21:23

I've discovered that dh is better when I'm not there

I've been away this weekend and he's done a food shop sorted the laundry so ds would have uniform, done a tip run and took ds out for a meal

It’s almost like he’s perfectly capable 🤔

bigshoutingday · 13/11/2022 21:23

Finishes the milk. Doesn't occur to him that means there's nothing for our child to have for breakfast in the morning.

Takes the car to fill up with petrol but feels that he cannot put more than £50. Nothing to do with bank balance, just feels like it's wrong to spend more than £50 in one go. Thus meaning I have to fill it up in a weeks time rather than 2 weeks time. It costs the same whether you buy it now or in 2 weeks. Literally just given me a job I didn't need. I am the main driver in case anyone objects to this one and I fill up 9/10.

It's fucking endless.

sjxoxo · 13/11/2022 21:25

Wildeheart · 13/11/2022 21:15

PP said it - it’s weaponised incompetence. I suggest trying it on for size yourself. The next time a problem comes up, play dumb - wide eyed, offer no solutions, panic, look to him for the answer - and don’t ever remind him something for his own benefit as you are not his fucking PA.

This. Do the exact same as him.

I’ll bet you don’t find him attractive with this lazy childish behaviour. Interested to hear if he’s the same at work? What’s he like at parenting when you can’t be present? If you aren’t sure he’s up to it, I would book a trip just you and let him carry the load for a few days. He’s not a baby and you shouldn’t have to treat him as such!!! If it doesn’t improve I’d say think about whether you want to do this for the rest of your life. X

magma32 · 13/11/2022 21:26

No my Dh doesn’t have this problem usually as he has responsibility for himself and the kids as we both work so share the load including mental. I guess if I did it all for him he wouldn’t need to think about it. Times when he fails to use his initiative I remind him to fix up as I won’t be doing it for him. Yep it’s weaponised incompetence.

magma32 · 13/11/2022 21:28

My Dh also holds down a ‘very important’ job so he knows I know he can manage stuff at work so no excuses at home.

DoodlePug · 13/11/2022 21:28

Mines OK but in all honesty the fact I carry the vast majority of the mental load is my fault. I took it on and he let me.

Tbf my way of doing things is always best, and I quite like organisation but it became an issue after dc and took years to realise why since he doss a fair share of physical stuff.

We are jointly trying to unpick this and balance it up. But it's hard. He really doesn't realise everything I do, and pointing it out seems churlish because it's always something that takes minutes and is faster to do myself than explain, but there are hundreds of them.

He is good at practical planning for dc: uniforms, activities, parties, illness, he'll bring them up if I don't mention it.

Bestcatmum · 13/11/2022 21:29

I refuse to run around after blokes, if they don't have suitable clothes, food in the house, clothes washed for work and so on its their tough shit.
i'm not their mum.

pinkpotatoez · 13/11/2022 21:31

I feel like women are a lot better at forward planning. A lot of men are used to relying on their mothers and then subsequently their wives and tend to wait till the 'event'/ problem actually happens and are u prepared

pinkpotatoez · 13/11/2022 21:33

Unprepared *

Whataplanker · 13/11/2022 21:36

My (completely unscientific!) theory is that women are generally more organised than men as they have to forward plan for things like periods, contraception etc whereas men just have to live in the moment and not really think ahead about what might happen so it's a bit of a shock when kids etc necessitate this. That's why is more often the woman with the massive bag with all kinds in 'just in case'. Obviously massive generalisation.

Ringbling85 · 13/11/2022 21:40

Yes, he has just made dinner for tomorrow evening as I’m busy and the kids have activities to attend so time is limited. He probably uses more initiative than me to be honest 😆

PussInBin20 · 13/11/2022 21:58

No, mine doesn’t. Mine’s like yours. He never thinks for our DD but doesn’t think for himself half the time either! Like I have been working all weekend and am waiting for a wash load to finish right now as DD’s PE kit is unwashed. It would never occur to my DH to ensure her kit is ready. He would say “well you should have told me and I’d do it” 🙄

Today he went to town to exchange some faulty shoes but forgot the evidence of the purchase and the bank card. He also wanted to go to a particular shop but it was shut. So both things he wanted to do, he couldn’t 🤷‍♀️ He’s like this all the time. I am literally the person that holds everything together and he probably would only realise what I did if I was not here. I am with you OP and do despair 😩

astronewt · 13/11/2022 22:03

What skin is it off your nose if your H doesn't have suitable clothes for a funeral? He's an adult and not your child. He can wear what he likes, or suffer if he doesn't have anything.

For starters, cross any and all tasks involving managing and/or reminding him about things that only affect him off your list.

MolliciousIntent · 13/11/2022 22:07

PussInBin20 · 13/11/2022 21:58

No, mine doesn’t. Mine’s like yours. He never thinks for our DD but doesn’t think for himself half the time either! Like I have been working all weekend and am waiting for a wash load to finish right now as DD’s PE kit is unwashed. It would never occur to my DH to ensure her kit is ready. He would say “well you should have told me and I’d do it” 🙄

Today he went to town to exchange some faulty shoes but forgot the evidence of the purchase and the bank card. He also wanted to go to a particular shop but it was shut. So both things he wanted to do, he couldn’t 🤷‍♀️ He’s like this all the time. I am literally the person that holds everything together and he probably would only realise what I did if I was not here. I am with you OP and do despair 😩

How on earth do you bring yourself to have sex with someone like that?!

Stardewbeam · 13/11/2022 22:12

Of course he does because he’s a grown adult in an equal partnership.

Yes we both have strengths and weaknesses but one steps up when / if the other can’t. That’s being an adult. We have trained each other over the years!

KitchenSupper · 13/11/2022 22:18

It’s pointless both people worrying about the contents of the packed lunch. Each person needs to have clear and total responsibility for certain things. If they need help, they ask, happy to jump in, but they are still responsible for that area. One person does all the laundry, one person does meal planning. If you don’t do this, it’s really hard to equally share the mental load.