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Does your DH use his initiative?

102 replies

confusedlots · 13/11/2022 20:47

I guess this is another mental load one, but it's really getting to me lately that DH never uses his initiative with anything!

I asked him to make sure he had a decent suit to wear for a funeral, as he doesn't wear suits often and I couldn't remember what it was like. Said he'd done it, then the night before the funeral he decides to look for a shirt and tie and realises he doesn't have a decent white shirt. Didn't think to look for a shirt at the same time as looking at the suit. And if I hadn't said to him about the suit, he wouldn't have thought to check it out in the first place and could well have realised the night before the funeral he didn't have anything appropriate to wear.

Child was sick, he didn't think about the fact they may well not be able to go to school the next day and how we might manage that if we're both meant to be working.

I am just mentally exhausted. I feel like I have to think about everything, including things that a person should naturally just sort out themselves without being told what to do, like sorting out what they're going to wear to a funeral.

I was actually just thinking tonight, do some husband's just start up a conversation like,..... Is DD taking packed lunches or school dinners tomorrow, and if it's packed lunches what food do we have in the house or do we need to go to the shop? Because that would never happen in my house, I would be totally astonished if those words were to come out of DH's mouth.

OP posts:
MassiveSalad22 · 14/11/2022 09:09

I wouldn’t end the relationship over DH’s specific lack of initiative. I agree it’s his least attractive quality. Probably his only unattractive quality. Pobody’s nerfect and fuck knows I have flaws! DH has countless redeeming features, let’s not throw the baby out with the bath water 😄

BankseyVest · 14/11/2022 09:15

In the nicest possible way op, you're enabling him. As you said, he's intelligent and holds down a job so he 'can' do it when it's important to him. I also strongly suspect if he lived on his own he'd be able to feed himself and keep a tidy house (my ex was the same and had a spotless house when he lived on his own, before and after we split).

somethingdifferent789 · 14/11/2022 09:16

Yep my other half is the same and I feel the same about carrying the mental load of everyone in the house, being the decision maker.
My dh won't do any housework unless I tell him what needs doing, he won't do night feeds unless I wake him to do it, he won't get up at the weekend unless I wake him.

It is exhausting and it doesn't matter if you throw a wobbler, nothing changes.
Yesterday my mil asked dh if he wanted any left over pies she had and he looked at me like I was meant to decide for him! Wtf!

NamiSwan · 14/11/2022 09:18

Yes, my DH will do his own life admin and his share of the kids too. E.g. he will just as often as me remember we need to order the kids school dinners and do it. Same with suits for funerals/weddings. Wouldn't occur to me to check with him about a suit, he's always just got on with it (including for e.g. getting his suit dry cleaned if necessary, with zero input from me).

I agree with other PP. He doesn't do any of this because he has you to do it for him. And probably before that had someone else (e.g. a parent, probably his mother) to do it. This sort of behaviour of your husband is not intrinsic, it is formed from a young age. My DH is the oldest of four siblings, his mum worked and when growing up he had to sort himself out and often his siblings too. So he has always just got on with stuff, like any person (regardless of gender) should be able to.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 14/11/2022 09:21

Mine is pretty good especially with baby dd
however presents for his family are a sticking point
I used to Wade in and sort everything but I have better things to do to be honest
his siblings are also very slack with organising stuff - they don’t go for family meals often etc because they just don’t think to organize it, then it’s two months since the birthday and there’s no point
his mum is 70 in Feb and keeps hinting she wants a party organising. I keep literally stopping my self saying ‘dp shall we start thinking about organising something for your mum?’ Because I’ll literally end up doing it all. But then I’ll feel bad because she’ll be disappointed. I think I’ll crack and just book an afternoon tea for us but not the wider family. Quick to do and she will enjoy it

confusedofengland · 14/11/2022 09:21

I hear you, OP. My DH is like this a lot of the time.

Yesterday, DS2 & 3 had church parade. DS2 needs help with getting ready, even though he is 11, due to having autism & ADHD. So I asked DH to get him dressed, while I sorted coats & shoes & got myself ready - got out the Scout tshirt, shirt & trousers. When we got to church & I got DS to take his coat off, he had no Scout scarf on! Because it wasn't there, DH hadn't even thought about it! So I rang him & made him run to church with it 🤣

Also, in the mornings, he is always asking me where he can find clean pants or socks. I have washed & dried them, they are just in a bag of laundry in our bedroom, waiting to be put away! Things are busier than usual atm as my dad had a near-fatal accident & is in hospital an hour away, so i am visiting him & helping my mum out.

Also, I work Saturdays 9-5, once a fortnight, so DH has the DC. He is always telling me how hard it is, which I know as I have them for whole days in school holidays. So I make sure to take them out at least once every day, which seems to run off any energy/boredom. But he won't do this! And now has asked me to make sure all homework is done during the week as apparently that is an issue 🙄 But between activities & DC being tired & my work, it's a big ask!

Tbf to DH he is great in other ways. Helping my parents out atm, volunteers, can do anything practical. And we both feel he is sliding into depression, he has thyroid issues so has booked an appointment with GP in case it is that.

But I do find it incredibly wearing having to think for 5 people!

Unicorn2022 · 14/11/2022 09:37

No he doesn't, and it's one of the reasons I am divorcing him after 30 years now I have hit peri menopause and decided I can't be dealing with all this shit for the rest of my life. It makes me quite sad reading all these posts from people with partners who share the life admin and mental load, and I wonder how much better my mental health could have been.

Simonjt · 14/11/2022 10:22

Yes, because he’s an adult and he isn’t selfish or an idiot.

If I’d discovered while dating he couldn’t dress himself, clean his home or buy groceries I wouldn’t have carried on dating him. If he suddenly stopped being able to dress himself it would show that he had either suffered a major injury without me noticing, or he’d lost all respect for himself and our relationship.

MrsSkylerWhite · 14/11/2022 10:24

Yes, very much so. Much better at multi-tasking than I am, too, mainly I think because his job has required the ability for decades.

marlowe5 · 14/11/2022 10:40

Unicorn2022 · 14/11/2022 09:37

No he doesn't, and it's one of the reasons I am divorcing him after 30 years now I have hit peri menopause and decided I can't be dealing with all this shit for the rest of my life. It makes me quite sad reading all these posts from people with partners who share the life admin and mental load, and I wonder how much better my mental health could have been.

Me too. I left mine who was like this a few years ago. My life is sooo much better and I am much less irritated (though amazing how he still tries to get me to do stuff from afar). I'm still doing everything for the DC as it's easier than negotiating and chasing someone who doesn't keep up with emails and texts, but when the DC are away at least I get some kind of rest. I wonder how on earth he is managing now. My guess is that many of his bills aren't paid and he is probably driving round with no MOT etc. I'm just glad I'm not watching-waiting-hoping he will do whatever the thing is and then having to pick up the pieces last minute. What used to make me so frustrated was that if I didn't do most everything, he would then have a crisis at the last minute and I would get pulled in. If I did remind him, there would be the equivalent of eye rolling about me being so 'on everything' and I would always have to ask more than once. If I ignored everything and claimed 'I didn't know' when I did, which is where I ended up, it felt like playing some kind of spiteful game. Like others here I started strategically not knowing things and not doing presents for his family etc but then j just used to listen to the whole narrative as last-minute Amazon shopping took place, arriving too late for relatives who lived abroad. Never again for me. I'm sticking single.

confusedlots · 14/11/2022 10:41

Sometimes I feel like I'm being overly harsh on him as he does so much practical stuff for our family that I could never do. He can often fix our cars if there's something wrong with them, and is doing so much work in our new house, which is saving us a massive amount of money. Plumbing, underfloor heating, installing the boiler, painting the entire inside of the house, and lots of other things. He's always on the go, and people often comment how lucky I am to have him, and I know that I am.

I'm happy to do my fair share of household stuff, but it's just that lack of initiative that is so frustrating. If there's a pile of recycling sitting on the side to go out to the recycling bin, then just take it if you see it there, don't wait to be asked to do it. He's off work this afternoon to look after the kids as I have to go somewhere, so I'm not going to even mention homeworks to him and just see what's done by the time I get home.

OP posts:
Vigneau · 14/11/2022 11:51

Some of these men seem as if they have watched Flubber and believed it was a way.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 14/11/2022 12:44

Does anyone else’s dp default to taking their kids to their mums on a weekend if you’re out or away? Or taking them out with their mum? To do shopping or whatever ? I think it’s nice that DP wants to spend time with his mum but I SOMETIMES think ‘fgs could you not brave Tesco without taking your mum along?!’

MolliciousIntent · 14/11/2022 12:45

Blueeyedgirl21 · 14/11/2022 12:44

Does anyone else’s dp default to taking their kids to their mums on a weekend if you’re out or away? Or taking them out with their mum? To do shopping or whatever ? I think it’s nice that DP wants to spend time with his mum but I SOMETIMES think ‘fgs could you not brave Tesco without taking your mum along?!’

No. Sometimes my DH takes the kids to visit my

Simonjt · 14/11/2022 12:55

Blueeyedgirl21 · 14/11/2022 12:44

Does anyone else’s dp default to taking their kids to their mums on a weekend if you’re out or away? Or taking them out with their mum? To do shopping or whatever ? I think it’s nice that DP wants to spend time with his mum but I SOMETIMES think ‘fgs could you not brave Tesco without taking your mum along?!’

No, he sometimes takes our daughter to see friends, they’re not parents themselves, so they wouldn’t have a clue what to do with her. He has taken her abroad twice on his own for long weekends.

Tashamonileo · 14/11/2022 15:24

😂 what did you suggest?

Lisad1231981 · 14/11/2022 15:29

I used to stress about this sort of thing. Then I remembered I'm an adult and so is he. Just because he doesn't do things my way, it doesn't mean it's wrong.
We had a big discussion on mental load and how when I was a stay at home mum I used to do it all. But once the kids were at school I went back to work but it still all fell to me. He would do if I asked but didn't think things though.
We have systems in place now like family calendar on phones, meal planners on the wall, shopping lists on Alexa and packing lists for holidays.
It doesn't always work but I try not to stress as much about it. Small things in life

SadieContrary · 14/11/2022 15:35

I feel like I could have written this post tonight but as it’s the eve of our 10y anniversary I’m biting my tongue. I was quite late finishing my dinner and assumed that DH had taken DD up to bed for teeth brushing/stories etc. only to find them on the sofa watching tv. His response “she wanted to watch TV”… eh, no s*, Sherlock! Of course she wants to try to stay up late and watch TV. Use your bloody initiative! Frustrated because he doesn’t mind doing bedtime at all… if I ask. Why should I need to ask?! She goes to bed at the same time every sodding night. Rant over. Thanks for listening

SadieContrary · 14/11/2022 15:37

@confusedlots - just mention the homework otherwise you’re probably setting him up to fail and then you’ll be as annoyed as I currently am! Lol!

taxguru · 14/11/2022 15:56

My OH is the opposite. Spends so much time planning and prepping, worrying about possible future events, etc. I'd love him to be more laid back and go with the flow a bit.

He drives me mad with his paranoia about all the "what ifs". Latest was when we were redecorating and refurbishing our lounge. He had Plan A and Plan B (and probably a Plan C) for every little thing, every contingency. He bought huge amounts of stuff we didn't need because he wanted it "just in case", so several different fillers, loads of different sized paint brushes, rollers and trays, 2 or 3 different styles of electrical switches and sockets, even two complete sets of wallpapers of different batch numbers in case the first batch turned out too light or too dark. He also spent weeks poring over paint colour books, bought about 20 sample pots, etc to get exactly the right colour/shade of paint - I'd have just gone in and bought the first "beige" I could see - I never realised there were so many shades of beige!

Also, paranoia about whether the old sofas could be got out of the door (we'd had new doors and tight front porch fitted) and whether the new sofas would get in - he'd measured all dimensions on new and old sofa, drawn scale drawings of the front porch and worked out angles etc to prove to himself they'd all get through and even showed them to the delivery drivers to "tell" them the best way to get them through. Of course, the drivers just picked them up, and used brute force to get them through without all the twisting and turning that OH had carefully planned!

Even "household" things, he's a nightmare. He'll write things on the shopping list that we really, really, don't need yet, i.e. as soon as he opens a new butter, he'll put it on the list, same with milk, bread, cornflake packets, etc - I have to "revise" his lists to remove loads of things that I know we don't need "yet" and put them on the next weeks' list instead! Long before covid, he wanted a "store" of food and household items like loo rolls "just in case", so we always have several weeks' supply of household stuff and tinned/packet foods. At least it was handy at the start of covid with the shortages!

As for clothes, well that's another story. He plans out what he's going to wear all week, for every occasion, including wearing, say, a works shirt for two days if he knows he's only going to wear it for one morning and one afternoon - rather than going in the wash on the morning day, he puts it aside for the afternoon day.

Holidays are another nightmare. He has each day planned in advance, including mileages/directions etc all loaded onto his phone directions app. He makes a list of postcodes for all local "amenities" including supermarkets, petrol stations, attractions, McDonald's, etc., He has things like tickets, phone numbers, etc all listed, printed out and also saved on his phone. When abroad, he takes photocopies of passports, driving licences and insurance details, one set of copies in each suitcase and hand luggage "just in case" an item of baggage gets lost, and as for packing, we have to spread our clothes over all suitcases, so that if one gets lost or stolen, we'll all be able to get dressed from what was in the others!

I suppose it's good as I don't have to think about him at all - he's always one step ahead, but sometimes, his level of planning and paranoia does irritate me, especially when we end up doing extra shopping and then having to spend time returning to take loads of stuff back.

Bigbadmama · 14/11/2022 16:09

Yes my bloody husband is hopeless when it comes to organising his clothes. Has always been like that. He occasionally goes out shopping to buy new stuff but then will buy things which are miles too big for him. And then leaves pens in his pockets which leak, get oil on his trousers. He got paint all over his jeans and just looked at them helplessly and said "will this wash out"...
He's a highly salaried specialised engineer.....

Holly1239 · 14/11/2022 16:09

My husband is the same and when I got really annoyed about it, I realised if I'm constantly thinking for him, why would he need to think for himself.
If you hadn't reminded your husband about his suit, he would have had to go in what clothes he could find or not go, a problem for him to sort out.
If your child is off school and you just get on and go to work leaving him at home with your sick child, that's up to him to phone his work and take the day off.
I found once I'd stopped trying to take control of everything and basically mothering him, he functioned as a proper adult. He's still really annoying though 😂

Bigbadmama · 14/11/2022 16:12

@taxguru my father in law was like that. Would also write bloody spreadsheets for everything, written instructions for all members of the family for every eventuality. DH lives his life as a series of random events.....

barskits · 14/11/2022 16:19

DoodlePug · 13/11/2022 21:28

Mines OK but in all honesty the fact I carry the vast majority of the mental load is my fault. I took it on and he let me.

Tbf my way of doing things is always best, and I quite like organisation but it became an issue after dc and took years to realise why since he doss a fair share of physical stuff.

We are jointly trying to unpick this and balance it up. But it's hard. He really doesn't realise everything I do, and pointing it out seems churlish because it's always something that takes minutes and is faster to do myself than explain, but there are hundreds of them.

He is good at practical planning for dc: uniforms, activities, parties, illness, he'll bring them up if I don't mention it.

This is it, isn't it? The tiny hundreds.

All those infinitesimally small things you know about and do as part of the whole drudgery, which make life run smoothly. Like putting the sticky tape back in exactly the same place after you've used it, every single time. So that you can instantly find it the next time, instead of having to waste ten minutes looking for the damn thing.

The thing that really gets to me is having to keep a mental note of the whereabouts of every single thing in the entire house.

sloanedanger · 14/11/2022 16:20

I definitely take on more of the mental load when it comes to the school/kids/appointments/homework juggle, but my DH isn’t completely useless. The suit situation would never happen, he is responsible for himself and I’ve never taken on any of his own load. He remembers all of his family and friends/friends’ kids birthdays - bully for him, I know, but then number of family and friends’ whose partners need reminding is pathetic!

DH is very forgetful and not as proactive nor controlling as me so frustratingly the mental load role will always fall to me more. He takes the initiative and puts a lot more effort into tasks that interest him, like finding our next car, TV packages, trips that are his idea. He probably has inattentive ADHD. However he’d never think to sign a DC up to a new club, organise an event for them eg visiting Father Christmas, or plan something for us to do on the weekend, that sort of thing. Not necessities I know, but I think if it were up to him and his initiative they’d go to school and that’s it, weekends would be fairly quiet too although he does suggest things like taking them swimming.