Does your DH use his initiative?

[confusedlots]

I guess this is another mental load one, but it's really getting to me lately that DH never uses his initiative with anything!

I asked him to make sure he had a decent suit to wear for a funeral, as he doesn't wear suits often and I couldn't remember what it was like. Said he'd done it, then the night before the funeral he decides to look for a shirt and tie and realises he doesn't have a decent white shirt. Didn't think to look for a shirt at the same time as looking at the suit. And if I hadn't said to him about the suit, he wouldn't have thought to check it out in the first place and could well have realised the night before the funeral he didn't have anything appropriate to wear.

Child was sick, he didn't think about the fact they may well not be able to go to school the next day and how we might manage that if we're both meant to be working.

I am just mentally exhausted. I feel like I have to think about everything, including things that a person should naturally just sort out themselves without being told what to do, like sorting out what they're going to wear to a funeral.

I was actually just thinking tonight, do some husband's just start up a conversation like,..... Is DD taking packed lunches or school dinners tomorrow, and if it's packed lunches what food do we have in the house or do we need to go to the shop? Because that would never happen in my house, I would be totally astonished if those words were to come out of DH's mouth.

@MolliciousIntent
@FallingsHowIFeel you're both right. The attraction completely dies. You can't, well I couldn't, look at him in the same way.

@Unicorn2022 me too. I simply cannot anymore. Recent house purchase, subsequent renovation and cost of living crisis planning have crystallised things for me.

I COULD have done everything in our early marriage and I’m sure he’d have settled back, like a lot of men, and cherry picked the good bits like mowing the lawn and servicing the car with a bonus walk round the shops twice a year, but that’s never been our marriage.

I hated drudge and housework and cooking and the tedium of looking after little children so I expected him to carry as much domestic weight as I did. I never played the game that a lot of women fall into by wanting to be the ‘perfect’ wife and mother. The Mrs Hinch wannabe. I hated that crap and everything it stands for. It puts women back decades.

Instead we should see men in partnership with us keeping homes nice and raising kids well. Expect it and demand it. It’s fun too. Working hard and building something together with a long term aim is bonding because you are equally invested and both share the rewards of a nice family life.

We had a funeral recently and yy DH checked he had a suit, shirt, tie, etc. He also takes the recycling to the recycling centre if he thinks the pile is getting too high. Checks the night before if DC have any special clubs the next day because he does the morning school run so he wants to know what bags etc he should have in the car. Basically, acts like an independent adult.
But, what I will say is that when we were first married and first had DC, I read a lot of threads on here and I decided I wasn't going to control or micromanage DH. (I'm naturally very controlling so it was a conscious choice ) I let him muddle through, do stuff differently from me, etc. I never swoop in to organise or rescue him. I don't reward deliberate incompetence and I don't act like his mum or the only adult in the relationship.

I think it's telling that my first response on clocking this thread has been to email DH the number of the guy he wants to book to do his MOT. He's very competent at work (senior lecturer who also holds a senior management position within his department), but at home it's as if he takes his brain out and leaves it on the floor with his briefcase. It can be exhausting and frustrating at times to put it mildly.

the most important things as a few pp have said is letting go of things being done your way.

perfection is sometimes the enemy, theyre not idiots just lazy.

Oh god yes this is my DH. If he's doing something we all know about it.

Sorry haven't RFTF yet but mine isn't so incompetent that he doesn't know what to do, but he just leaves it till the last minute. So he will ask if I want him to get something for dinner, but at 7pm as he's leaving work and is still an hour away from home. Every Christmas we fall out because he asks me about presents for the kids on the 23rd December.

@2greenroses Some women are so sure that their judgement is the right one I all things gone and family. Done men just give up and submit to their partners dictation, because they know their own judgement won’t be acceptable, and they are not going to be able to second guess how their partner wants something done. Not saying this is the case for anyone here specifically, but it certainly a common state of affairs, in my experience

I do see myself in this to be fair.

I could have written this post myself 😂

This is exactly what led to my break up / divorce . Years later when my son was diagnosed with ADHD I realised that ex DH probably has it too

@confusedlots how do YOU remember to do everything?!

personally there’s stuff I do remember. But because there’s so much, especially at work. EVERYTHING goes in the diary. From bin day, to cleaners coming sand routine clubs. With a reminder popping up the day before. (So that’s the reminder to sort kit out for PE/football etc.)

it’s a shared electronic diary on everyone’s phone and iPad. My DC are 14&12, but we’ve operated this since they were 4&6 !

we also have weekly alarms set as an extra reminder.

they can pack their own blooming stuff and they nag their dad to help make sure it’s washed. I tend to say “I don’t know, ask your dad. I’m busy he’s watching tv”.

any doubts in usage of equipment I stick a post it note to it (with added sellotape) & send them a “how to” video to follow.

I make sure stuffs done. But I certainly don’t do it all.
we food shop online. DC’s do it some weeks. I do it other. DH unloads when the driver arrives (I often Get up to, but he doesn’t like me seeing the driver in my PJ’s so he jumps to do it!)
everyone can put away. We seem to have fallen into bits people take responsibility for. …. Mine is cleaning the fridge. DH does the freezer as it’s outside & DC’s do cupboards and organise them like tiktok videos! (They’ve done this since they were quite little too!)

washing is their issue! If they don’t want to smell they need to get it done. Melt down last night when realised white uniform shirts were still in bedrooms floors from last week! …. I had a full 10 minute rant if I told you so, and instilling panic, whilst knowing they both had clean ones in the wardrobe but they hadn’t bothered to double check!!
they’ll check before Sunday night next week … or they’ll really regret it. I’ve made it clear they’ll really regret it and miraculously they’ve been washed and dried already!
it’s all life lessons.
DH’s people loan about we’re probably over mothered.
I have always maintained I’m not s/mothering my children - I’m growning adults.

my DH isn’t great in the house - but he does pre-think an awful lot of other implications that I don’t ever have to consider.

Not being funny but why are you describing my husband? 😂😂

Men and women are definitely wired differently.

I am generally probably thinking ahead 2-3 weeks of what the kids etc is going on my husband is the next day at a push.

He does loads about the house but it’s the things that interest him or things I don’t do that annoy him. Like washing up straight after eating dinner.

but asking him to do decorating is a no no.

i think we all just have to learn our strengthens and weaknesses and work as a team. There will always be things you can’t do that they can

Is he similarly shit at work? Or does he miraculously manage to function like an adult?

Men and women aren't wired differently. Some men just know when they can get away with treating women like shit. Don't kid yourself.

Absolutely ☝️

Obviously misunderstood what I have said.

im not going to try and explain as I’m sure that will be twisted.

there are definitely men that treat women like shit but I don’t think this is the case when she’s said his more than capable of doing other jobs she doesn’t particularly like fixing their cars.

I do all the month-ahead thinking and planning (christmas presents, holiday bookings, clubs and events) and he does 50:50 on the day-to-day thinking and planning (what will we have for dinner, who needs to be dropped off where).

He would absolutely be the guy wearing the 'wrong' thing at a funeral if I didn't get involved.

DH is similar but has started to improve recently, he readily holds his hands up and admits hes a bit crap in the house but has hired a cleaner to help weekly, and he sorts DC getting to school each day. The main problem is that he is self employed and works all the hours so I am here to see what all needs done and to do it. Doesn't stop it being exhausting though and when my hours increase at work from PT to ft I've a feeling he'll be looking to hire a new husband to stop me giving him evils 🤣🤣

Of course, we currently have too much ham because DH thought the kids would need packed lunches at the weekend, rather than them being provided with a meal at their activity.

The only thing he’s bad at is thinking of presents. Usually if I give him a few ideas he can run with it though.

He did have a similar issue with clothes for his dads funeral, I put that down to grief though. In the end I dumped him at a mens outfitters, told the assistant he needed something for his dads funeral, handed them a credit card and a box of tissues and told them to do what they needed to do because I was making it worse and went and sat in the book shop next door.

So what did he wear??

Did you find him an alternative, did he dash to the shops, did you tell him sainsburys sell white shirts and drive him there? What is his level of incompetence when he has to fix a problem.

Or did he go bare chested.. who fixed the problem?

Mines fine now.

When we got together almost 30 years ago he had a Mother who had been a SAHM and they had a housekeeper plus he then lived in halls in Cambridge for six years so had done F all as so many had run around after him. So he was a bit crap. When he tried the where’s my socks? Can you ?or whatever it was I just refused to do anything. He forgot his suit for a wedding, it was a couple of months before ours. He had to hire one, I remember laughing at his incompetence, the waste of his money and probably told him he was a twat.

The best was when a friend and I were meeting for a weekend, she had made two meals for her DH. When mine asked what should he do for food I said ‘ See that big white thing it’s called a fridge, you open it and take food out and if it’s empty you go to a place called a shop and buy food with an item called money’.

I am forever grateful for the example my DM set. She and DDad returned from honeymoon and one day two he asked what they were having for supper and she handed him a cook book and told him he could chose, shop and cook it. He was an excellent cook and did his fair share of everything.

That said there are things DH and I split so that we play to our strengths (we don’t speak about my DIY skills and I’m not as physically strong as DH, but I bake better…).

Christ that makes me want to cry. I would take him to the laundry, hand him his phone or tablet and a muesli bar and say this is your new home until you can work the washing machine. That’s how I did it. the manual will be online, clothes have tags in them, it only takes the average adult a few minutes but if it happens to take you weeks I’ll pass in some cereal as well. Our joint funds will be used to replace anything you ruin, since clothes have washing tags. If it’s delicate or lacy I’m happy for you not to wash it while you are in washing machine reception class. I’m off to the bath have a lovely evening as a competent adult byeeee.

i didn’t actually have to lock mine in with a muesli bar I just said you’re an adult and you can read so you can read clothes tags and work a washing machine or you need medical help. I will buy replacements for everything of mine that you ruin because you have forgotten how to read.

Men and women are definitely wired differently.

No they’re not.

@greeandorange he went to Tesco about an hour before they closed. The Tesco he went to was a small one and they didn't sell white shirts. Then he went somewhere else and they didn't have one that fitted him. He eventually got one just as the shops were closing.

😅this is me! Refuse to fall for it from the start.
I always used to tell first dates that I can't cook, cut the expectation at the source and weeds out anyone looking for a personal chef. Ive always ended up with partners who are excellent cooks and love to tidy.

I want to think mine would dress himself but as for initiative… it seems that being a SAHM caring for two kids with disabilities, everything is my responsibility. Other than putting the bin out after a lot of nagging and walking the dog, he thinks everything is my duty. It’s so draining, I feel your pain 😔