Does your DH use his initiative?

[confusedlots]

I guess this is another mental load one, but it's really getting to me lately that DH never uses his initiative with anything!

I asked him to make sure he had a decent suit to wear for a funeral, as he doesn't wear suits often and I couldn't remember what it was like. Said he'd done it, then the night before the funeral he decides to look for a shirt and tie and realises he doesn't have a decent white shirt. Didn't think to look for a shirt at the same time as looking at the suit. And if I hadn't said to him about the suit, he wouldn't have thought to check it out in the first place and could well have realised the night before the funeral he didn't have anything appropriate to wear.

Child was sick, he didn't think about the fact they may well not be able to go to school the next day and how we might manage that if we're both meant to be working.

I am just mentally exhausted. I feel like I have to think about everything, including things that a person should naturally just sort out themselves without being told what to do, like sorting out what they're going to wear to a funeral.

I was actually just thinking tonight, do some husband's just start up a conversation like,..... Is DD taking packed lunches or school dinners tomorrow, and if it's packed lunches what food do we have in the house or do we need to go to the shop? Because that would never happen in my house, I would be totally astonished if those words were to come out of DH's mouth.

Mine might check the funeral clothes himself but he would passively demand my attention by verbalising his way though it, huffing and puffing to such an extent that I would, to be honest, rather do it myself.

I feel you OP. My DH has many good points and attributes, but initiative ain't one of them. And like others have suggested, I tried the "just leave him to it" method, but ultimately it had negative implications for me and the family - financially when he forgot to both tax and mot his car on separate occasions despite me reminding him, with school when DS doesn't have uniform/ homework done etc, embarrassment when his family literally get no card or present on their birthdays after I finally refused to organise or buy them anymore. This last one I've successfully stuck with and just bear the internal discomfort. But the rest of the relentless mental load I continue to hold, and I'm resentful of it. As I said, DH has other positive attributes, he is the higher earner (after I went part time post DC), he does half the cooking and cleans the kitchen as he enjoys these activities. But anything else that's seen as a less desirable thing is somehow automatically my bag. It's not fun!

Most of the time yes, some times no... which is usually more when he doesn’t want to do something. Then I get pissed off and end up doing it my self. For the most part though he’s pretty good.

DH is better than I am. Today before he went out he reminded me that there was one more load of washing to go in and that the meat in the fridge needed using up for dinner. He also went to the supermarket this morning to get things for lunches for the DC as that's 'his job' (I do all the school runs and I really really hate doing packed lunches).

We're a team, and I'd find it incredibly unattractive if he didn't present as a fully functioning adult.

@PussInBin20 nearly shed a tear in solidarity reading that post as I have also spent my Sunday evening making sure DS's PE kit is washed as he needs it tomorrow. Every few months I tell DH I'm utterly sick of doing all the washing (I hate it as a task) and I need him to do it. He always tells me "I would if you just tell me what needs washing and show me how to work the machine". It took all of my control to not retort "1) Do what I do use your fucking eyes to see what needs washing. 2) Being born with a vagina doesn't mean I instinctively knew how a washing machine works either. Google it".

Despite me explaining it multiple times he doesn't seem to get that what stresses me out is having to hold the mental load of thinking about what's clean, what's dirty and what we need over the next few days. So if I have to tell him this and then show him how to use the sodding machine (I've shown him twice and even reached a low point of drawing it for him a few years ago) then there's no point as I'm still carrying the mental load! 🤦🏻‍♀️

@mummabubs i can feel your frustration! Out of interest, do you do his laundry? If you do, why do you do it? He would learn how to use the machine quickly enough if he ran out of underwear!

The only time I’ve ever carried the mental load to a great extent is maternity leave and I can now see that it was because I took ownership of everything and somewhat martyred myself. I no longer have time to do that now im
back at work - DH knows exactly how much I do because I tell him, we split the load equally and pick up the slack whenever the other is particularly busy with work. I also deliberately do not trouble myself with jobs that are solely DH’s domain such as food shopping unless there’s a specific need for me to eg he is away for the day.

Why are you babying him, OP?

I can’t imagine asking DH if he had suitable clothes to wear to a funeral.

I would assume, as an adult, he’s able to dress himself.

You’re doing all the thinking for him, so why should he bother? And you’re exhausted because of it.

I mean, lose <> lose.

Just stop it, and let him fail until he eventually begins to succeed. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Unless he has a cognitive issue, he is capable of checking he has the right clothes for an incoming event or planning childcare for a sick dc.

So if he isn't, he is choosing not to.

He has quite a senior job and is very intelligent, I know he is regarded highly in his job, so I'm pretty sure he behaves like an adult at work.

For the funeral clothes, it was a family funeral on my side, I knew there wouldn't be many people there and DH would more than likely be asked to carry the coffin. I guess it was important to me and I couldn't deal with the stress of him realising he had nothing to wear at the last minute, which is why I raised it. I have started to just leave him to it with other things and let him deal with the consequences, but unfortunately sometimes that also impacts me or the kids.

I made the decision a while ago to split some jobs so responsibilities were clear. He is responsible for the bins. But more often than not I have to remind him when it's bin night (we've lived here for over a year so he should know which night the bins go out by now!), and although I've brought it up more than once, he'll not think to empty overflowing bins in the house into the outside bin when he's putting the bins out. So although my expectation was that the bins would not need to be part of my mental load unless he wasn't here, nothing has really changed apart from the fact that I don't pull them out to the front of the house.

Then of course it's my fault for criticising him when I try to explain this!

Just feeling frustrated with it all. I have tried to explain it to him, but nothing seems to change.

I had a row with DH about bins - the day or two before bin day he would remind me that ‘we need to remember to put the bins out’ thus passing responsibility to me if he forgets or can’t be arsed.
we’ve been married for 40 years - I always put the bins out however he is now retired and did it occasionally.
Just blanking do it. Just do it. I’ve done it for 40 years it requires NO discussion.

Pay for counselling. You need to change the dynamic in your relationship.

Yes my husband does think about and shop for packed lunches for our DC, he does it more as he does most of the grocery shopping and so he will buy things he knows dc will enjoy and eat.

he also checks his own clothes for events. I never think about reminding him or anything, because it’s not even on my radar, I start from a default position that he knows his own sartorial needs best.

He didn't originally - his XW had trained him to never do anything because he'd 'only do it wrong' and would cut any hint of him thinking or initiative down with a withering glare, frequent huffing and often outright 'you're so useless'.

My view is if it goes wrong, we sort it, but I'm still up on the deal because a) I haven't had to think about the ten thousand other things that have gone fine and b) I'm not his bloody mother.

My husband is a fully functioning adult. I can't imagine asking him if he has suitable clothes for an event and he wouldn't do the same for me. I went to bed before him last night and came down this morning to find that he has got the children's uniform out for today.

The only reason why people get away with this incompetence is because they've got away with it previously and know they can do the bare minimum.

He does but we separated out areas of focus so he works full-time and I don't, I do the school stuff and I do the house stuff and that's easier for us. He works a lot and pays for our bills so I consider it fair. He is proactive in his areas but I don't for instance expect him to be proactive around the house.

DP asked me "What shall I eat?" a couple of weeks ago 🙃

We have fairly clear responsibilities which evolved over time without really discussing it.

I do most of the laundry, he does the bins and mops the floors for example.

I couldn't be in a marriage with a man without a brain.

I feel your pain op. Mine doesn't seem to realise that unless you wash the school uniform on Friday, dry it on Saturday and iron it on Sunday then it won't be there on Monday morning!

My only advice is to leave him to the stuff that only impacts him. I no longer do washing for H. I might put stuff of his on if I need to make up a full load but I don't do it otherwise. He's had quite a few mornings where he had no underwear. That's no longer my problem and he's slowly learning that if you use the last clean park today then you won't have any tomorrow!

I also don't do presents/ cards for his family and have told MIL to ask him about it if it annoys her. And I also don't offer solutions- he'll bring me an issue and I just shrug and say I don't know.

lol at the pp saying women are just more organised. As if. Men can very easily manage when they have to. This was brought into sharp relief for me when I was selling a house with my ex-husband and he scrubbed it head to toe ahead of the estate agent pictures, literally sparkling. And set and dressed the house beautifully. Before that he’d cleaned the bathroom maybe twice in ten years and was ‘rubbish’ at it. Eyes well and truly opened…

How embarrassing. Can’t relate at all. Dh is a sensible adult with an impressive job and is able to clothe himself appropriately and parent 🙄. He did 90% Christmas last year

Some women are so sure that their judgement is the right one I all things gone and family. Done men just give up and submit to their partners dictation, because they know their own judgement won’t be acceptable, and they are not going to be able to second guess how their partner wants something done. Not saying this is the case for anyone here specifically, but it certainly a common state of affairs, in my experience

Does he use his initiative, well he works for the CAA and holds a full commercial pilots so yes, just a little. In fact when I was working a weekend shift he would be IC kids. And he never broke into a sweat over it. Kids were fed clean and happy , he was chilled , house was tidy. Food ready for me when I got home.

He also has several suits , mostly tailored , numerous shirts and a black tie. Kids eat at school so no buggering around with packed lunches.

The whole domestic thing was never a worry. We had a cleaner a handyman and a Gardner plus my parents were in easy distance. And their idea of childcare was taking them skiing for a week.

Kids are a lot older now, mid late teens but skiing trips are still a thing.

Yes, he does. I couldn’t be in a relationship with a man child but it seems to be common on here though. I would find it exhausting and really unattractive so it would ultimately end the relationship. It’s a dreadful example for children to see, especially boys.

‘Does your husband use his initiative’ - not as much as me, and only because I spent years pointing obvious shit out to him.

Recently though I asked him to bring a heavy rug in from outside because it had been drying and didn’t want it getting rained on. I could have done it, but I used my initiative and strength to take it outside in the first place and it was heavy, so, his turn. He literally brought it inside, rolled up and left it against the wall for a week or so. I eventually rolled it out on the floor where it should be and the non-slip that had been up against the wall had taken some of the wall paint off. I looked like a petty nag but I told him he should have just fucking rolled it out while he had it in his hands carrying it inside a week ago!! They don’t make that wall paint anymore!! He said he didn’t put it out because it needed a hoover…. I said you have to fucking roll it out to hoover it!!!!!!!! THE RAGE!! Doubly rageful because being annoyed just plays into the nag trope ughhhhh. He’s generally much better day to day than a lot of other husbands I head about though and spends a LOT of time with the kids.

I will add, my boys seem to have OK initiative at 7 and 5 so hopefully things are improving in our family generation on generation 😄 DH’s dad is a lost cause.