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Just been to visit dh gran in a care home, so depressing

154 replies

Wolfscarf · 13/11/2022 17:21

Really makes you think about life

one person was tryig to escape when we arrived
must have had dementia
sayign have you seen my wife have you touched my wife
and o want to go home

then when we left another lady was trying to escape

dh gran is stuck in her v small room alotnof the time as there’s no carers
to take her downstairs then bring her back as they are short staffed all the time

the staff seem lovely but I feel so so bad for them
I don’t know how they do it

OP posts:
Underscore21 · 13/11/2022 21:17

Antelope, what meds and ailments are those, since the poster I referenced didn't elaborate Confused

antelopevalley · 13/11/2022 21:20

@Underscore21 blood pressure tablets and statins.

earsup · 13/11/2022 21:21

Is it just the UK, where a lot of care homes seem depressing or is is the same all over the world...??...my late aunt was very happy in her care home....nice staff and food etc....visiting wasn't unpleasant as everyone was nice and staff had time...

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antelopevalley · 13/11/2022 21:21

Underscore21 · 13/11/2022 21:17

Antelope, what meds and ailments are those, since the poster I referenced didn't elaborate Confused

Yes they did.
"Current elderly relatives are all on an absolute cocktail of pills controlling blood pressure, cholesterol and countless other ailments."

Underscore21 · 13/11/2022 21:23

@antelopevalley -you are being utterly disingenuous.
The poster stated 'Current elderly relatives are all on an absolute cocktail of pills controlling blood pressure, cholesterol and countless other ailments.'

Underscore21 · 13/11/2022 21:25

Conveniently omitting controlling countless other ailments.

antelopevalley · 13/11/2022 21:29

Underscore21 · 13/11/2022 21:25

Conveniently omitting controlling countless other ailments.

Countless other ailments. So what. There are plenty of people working full-time with kids who have high blood pressure, statins and other ailments. There are lots of illnesses that are very common once someone gets to their fifties and sixties. Being on a number of pills does not mean someone should be killed.

Cuppasoupmonster · 13/11/2022 21:36

antelopevalley · 13/11/2022 21:29

Countless other ailments. So what. There are plenty of people working full-time with kids who have high blood pressure, statins and other ailments. There are lots of illnesses that are very common once someone gets to their fifties and sixties. Being on a number of pills does not mean someone should be killed.

I’m one of those people. I imagine I may feel differently when they’re all combined with an ageing body, progression of my disease and general life fatigue. The mental strain of living with chronic illness for years too. It should be my decision, not yours Antelope.

antelopevalley · 13/11/2022 21:37

@Cuppasoupmonster I am not talking about you not having a decision. You can always commit suicide. I am talking about the idea people should be killed by having their medication taken away.

Maverickess · 13/11/2022 21:37

Toddlerteaplease · 13/11/2022 21:17

My friend is is a nursing home. He's c completely antisocial anyway. But is Even more reluctant to come out if his room, because literally everyone else has severe dementia. So even if he did, he'd have no one to talk too. His care has been excellent, despite the home being rated inadequate by the CQC. But I do t know how the staff do it every day.

Sadly, IME, CQC ratings are based on your paperwork mainly, I used to get pulled on mine because it wasn't 'detailed or personal enough' - time is so bloody limited and I preferred to actually do the caring rather than writing a pretty little story about it to tick CQC boxes. It was accurate and contained the relevant information that was needed to care for someone consistently by the next shift/ further shifts, but it wasn't good enough.
Double documenting drove me nuts, spending more time writing about the bloody work than actually doing it - but that seems to be what they look for and rate on.

Cuppasoupmonster · 13/11/2022 21:44

antelopevalley · 13/11/2022 21:37

@Cuppasoupmonster I am not talking about you not having a decision. You can always commit suicide. I am talking about the idea people should be killed by having their medication taken away.

but why should I have to do it by painful/violent means? I should be entitled to dignified and professional euthanasia, with loved ones present and a doctor to certify the death. Not some poor sod finding me having done whatever I’ve had to do to die.

LittleOverWhelmed · 13/11/2022 22:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Toddlerteaplease · 13/11/2022 22:20

@Maverickess agreed. My friend is clean and tidy, he's surrounded by piles of books. Which is all he wants. The staff are kind and caring. And I really like that the mangers know me and always know what's happening with him. They never have to go and ask. Or say I don't know. They've got the basics spot on. I can overlook a few issues with the fabric of the building!

Comedycook · 13/11/2022 22:24

antelopevalley · 13/11/2022 21:21

Yes they did.
"Current elderly relatives are all on an absolute cocktail of pills controlling blood pressure, cholesterol and countless other ailments."

I never said anyone should be killed ffs. It's a simple fact... people decades ago were generally expected to live three score years and ten. Now, it's not exceptional at all to live well into your 80/90s. Things which would have killed us are now easily controlled, meaning we live longer but wither away mentally whilst they keep our bodies going. Like I said, I have no idea which way is preferable. But I certainly didn't say we should kill people.

LearnerCook · 13/11/2022 22:29

MosmanP · 13/11/2022 17:24

Honestly I fully intend to off myself at the slightest hint of going down that particular road. Imagine somebody is probably paying a grand a week for the pleasure of it as well.

I agree with @MosmanP. I'd rather pop off than end up in one of those places. I remember how miserable my Grandad became in what was a very small care home and I can't face it; the dehumanisation and loss of dignity.
My heart goes out to all who have relatives in this situation.

DarkKarmaIlama · 13/11/2022 22:31

It’s why I stopped working as a carer. I just didn’t want to think about what could happen to myself at the end of my days.

I am a tough bird but youde have to be a hard bitch not to cry at some of those sights. Just awful.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 13/11/2022 22:34

My DM had dementia from her early 80s until she died at 97 - the last nearly 8 years in a dementia-only care home, which I have to say was very good - and it was by no means the most expensive. But she was in a most pitiful state for her last few years - doubly incontinent, not knowing any of her family, no clue about anything, unable to hold any sort of conversation.

She wasn’t being stuffed with medication to ‘keep her going’ - - she simply had the general constitution of a rhinoceros.

Ending up like my poor mother is my greatest fear. Dh and I have both added paragraphs to our Health and Welfare powers of attorney, to state that if we ever develop dementia, or any other condition where we’re unable both to care for ourselves and speak - with full mental capacity - for ourselves, then we emphatically do not want any life-saving or life prolonging treatment. We ask for palliative care only.

Given what I’ve seen of dementia (my FiL had it too) I consider that ‘striving to keep alive’ such people is verging on cruelty. I know my mother would have been utterly appalled if she could have seen how she ended up. I have no problem with admitting that it was a relief when death finally released her from such a pitiful existence.

Cm078 · 13/11/2022 22:44

Ive worked in care since I was 16. Ridiculously short staffed & underpaid. I feel i was very good at my job, well the best i could be in circumstances but i got to the point i dreaded going to work. The elderly deserve better.
I had to leave in the end, i now work on a ward in a hospital and they get much better care than the homes.i worked in.
Its so so sad.

Sniffypete · 13/11/2022 22:46

Wolfscarf · 13/11/2022 17:28

Mosman I wonder tho if you do get to that age and stage tho of you would actually really think that
i know I think right now that would be more humane
but perhaps when you get to that age you just wanna keep going

My nan kept talking about how she was going to kill herself, but in reality she was too weak to do it. Then the dementia really kicked in and she forgot that she wanted to kill herself. Then she refused to eat or drink.

starrynight21 · 13/11/2022 22:58

MosmanP · 13/11/2022 17:24

Honestly I fully intend to off myself at the slightest hint of going down that particular road. Imagine somebody is probably paying a grand a week for the pleasure of it as well.

But how will you know that you've started to go down that road ? It's not like you'd wake up one day and think that you're not so good any more so it's time to commit suicide. Old age creeps up on everyone, and I'm sure that the people in the OP care home would have had no idea that they were going down that particular slippery slope....until it was too late.

Spectre8 · 13/11/2022 23:10

WestCorkGal · 13/11/2022 21:10

Legal assisted dying will surely become law in the medium term. However persons with dementia do not have the cognitive ability or capacity to qualify for this. Allowing relatives to make this choice for them would potentially lead to wrongful deaths. Its complicated. It is a good idea to note your wishes in writing ( advance directive) regarding the level of medical intervention you would want if incapacitated in the future. Understand tho that these wishes are not legally enforceable but do guide medics and families if the situation arises. For sure there is a lot of medically futile treatments endured by the elderly. As for care homes there are no easy ways to make them more livable but paying low wages and not having enough staff doesn't attract or motivate anyone. Small homes definitely are kinder places than large ones

Unless you can make a legal document stipulating if u get dementia or x y z u no longer want to be live. Why can't we make these decisions early? We are all aware of what happens and what it can be like when we see other people go through it. After all we already have dnr so judt expand it a little more.

Nat6999 · 13/11/2022 23:21

My grandad was in one, still had all his marbles but had had several strokes & couldn't manage at home, it was awful, he used to cry when we took him back when he had been to ours for a meal. He got admitted to hospital & within 12 hours the manager rang to tell us to empty his room, didn't matter that he could have been sent back to the home, he was out. I hope by the time I'm that age that the right to die is legal, one sign of dementia or anything else & I'm off.

onlythreenow · 14/11/2022 05:17

Is it just the UK, where a lot of care homes seem depressing or is is the same all over the world...??...my late aunt was very happy in her care home....nice staff and food etc....visiting wasn't unpleasant as everyone was nice and staff had time...

I'm in NZ and can't speak for all homes, but the ones in the town where I live are all very good. My late DM lived in two (one closed due to a lack of residents) and it was a pleasure to visit her in both, and she was happy. My DF lives in an apartment which is part of a rest home, and it is also a lovely place. The residents of all the homes in this town are a mixture of those paying their way, and those being paid for by the government - there is no difference in the care provided. The staff are great, and the food good.

Tiny2018 · 14/11/2022 05:38

antelope valley I'm not talking about just Euthanising every old person, some are perfectly happy well into old age, whether it be in a care home or within their own home. Unfortunately though, this is not the case for many.

As a previous poster pointed out, adding something to the DNR, a statement that if/when something as awful as Dementia presents itself, the choice to be euthanised. When animals are known to be suffering they are put to sleep, why can't humans be afforded the same right? We have more self awareness and supposed free will than animals but in most countries still do not have the right to decide when we die. In fact, on this basis, animals do not have the ability to consent to be euthanised, so it's even less 'voluntary'.

If you saw the types of things I have to see on a daily basis, perhaps you might think differently. We had a young woman come to our home the beginning of this year, she is only in her early 50's- gregarious, vibrant, always singing, chatting, smiling, but in the early stages of Dementia.

Said woman is now mute, bedbound, and refuses more often than not to eat. I say eat, but her meals are now reduced to a liquified meal through a beaker, of which carers have to sit and trick her into opening her mouth to take as she refuses to take it. She is doubly incontinent and needs turning every 2 hours to prevent pressure sores.

Within weeks of entering our home, she became depressed as she wanted to talk to other residents, but the vast majority are too far gone to hold a coherent conversation, so she slowly stopped initiating conversation. Carers were too busy due to understaffing to hold full conversations with her, so she gradually went into her shell. After only a few months she was aimlessly wandering around corridors looking confused and upset. Her husband eventually stopped coming to visit her as she often became aggressive, and as much as this is often a symptom of Dementia, I'm inclined to believe it was more down to carers only having small time slots to give personal care to residents, meaning that they often have to rush and coerce/force residents to dress, which causes distress. Many residents initially fight against this and become aggressive when carers enter the room as a defence mechanism.

Many other residents get stuck in a loop, which is also distressing- many get stuck reliving trauma- one lady used to constantly shout at us to bring her baby girl back, that her baby was taken away. She cried endlessly. She is calmer these days but often asks for her Mother, then he remembers her Mum is dying in hospital and becomes inconsolable (her Mum died years ago). Another shouts 'help me' on repeat all day.

The way in which some of these people are forced to live is, quite frankly, barbaric. Why should they be forced to continue living? What is the need to prolong life at the cost of the individual.

These people are often being kept alive INVOLUNTARILY. Why not offer the choice, the right to die VOLUNTARILY?

Fireballxl5 · 14/11/2022 06:04

Old people were doomed once care homes were allowed to be run for profits
( Thatcher again).
The council ones which were well run with staff on good pension schemes are few and far between now.

tribunemag.co.uk/2020/12/when-margaret-thatcher-privatised-social-care