Just been to visit dh gran in a care home, so depressing

[Wolfscarf]

Really makes you think about life

one person was tryig to escape when we arrived
must have had dementia
sayign have you seen my wife have you touched my wife
and o want to go home

then when we left another lady was trying to escape

dh gran is stuck in her v small room alotnof the time as there’s no carers
to take her downstairs then bring her back as they are short staffed all the time

the staff seem lovely but I feel so so bad for them
I don’t know how they do it

after reading others experience im starting to think maybe my bar is to low regarding my dad

yes agree that especially the women are on repeat but the women are very mobile the men not so the women have their little groups and i enjoy talking to them watching them doing activities etc

but my dad is on a DNR he i cant walk and is double incontinent but does not recognise us now but i still talk to him as normal and try to make the best of a upsetting situation

My Nan's DP was always adamant he would complete suicide rather than live like that: but dementia took him in the middle of COVID. No family able to visit him in his care home so we'll never know if he was well-treated. I try not to think about it if I'm honest, otherwise it'll give me nightmares.

Absolutely, my Dad had dementia and it was the worst time of my life. Bloody awful disease.

can i ask what is your relative's rough routine/what is the food like?

im interested what others experience

My granny did exactly that. Took her own life in a very planned way (and told everyone what she was intending to do) as she was terrified of deteriorating.

The main problem is that people (staff) cost money. Paying people more costs more money. My PIL are in a very good home, but it cost £15000pcm. They have a bedroom, sitting room (with terrace) and kitchen - with a “front” door to a corridor in the home. The staffing levels are not always brilliant, but the home covers with agency staff (which costs far, far more).They are constantly recruiting, paying a bit over the going rate, so stealing limited staff from other homes.

DH and I discussed how this will probably mean any inheritance from their assets will be negligible, but it was the only home in my area that was anything near to their expected standard of living. We may have to subsidise it if they live passed 100 - not inconceivable.

the state provides a very basic standard for care homes, irrespective of how lovely the staff are, there just aren’t enough. If people want a better standard, they have to save and use those savings (not pass them on) or everyone has to pay a lot more tax. That’s you and me (not just rich people) and until people vote to pay more tax themselves and to cut their living standards to pay that tax, the state level of care homes will continue to be poor/depressing/dire. No as I’ve said above, this is not a criticism of care staff, who work very hard.

I have experience working in care homes and trust me huge profits are being made at the expense of the elderly and vulnerable. Just think a care home with 60 + rooms, each room making over £1000 a week. Each resident has to supply their own toiletries, their incontinence pads and mobility aids/ profile beds ect are funded and supplied through the NHS, all staff are on minimum wage. Kitchen are on a very strict budget and the food is the cheapest crap they can buy… Even when you deduct bills there’s still huge amounts of profit being made. Where is that money going? Because it certainly isn’t going back into the home …

I also agree that care homes would be nicer places if carers were paid a decent wage. They are always short staffed and have a high turnover of staff (so at any one time staff with little experience) because the wage is so shit. They get paid more working for the NHS or stacking shelves in ASDA. So why stay?

The care industry is on its arse at the moment…

And they'll all be on a cocktail of pills to keep them alive longer and longer.
Cure this, cure that. Modern medicine is a double edged sword.

The pay isn't great, but we have high staff turnover mostly due to the nature of the job. It's not easy work and requires a string stomach and plenty of compassionand patience which some people simply do not have.

Well said, and so true. I could scream when I see posts on MN suggesting anyone who can't find a job should go into care work. I wouldn't want my parents being cared for by people who were there just because it was the only job they could get. You need to be a special kind of person to do that work, and compassion and patience would be very high on the list of requirements.

We’re not supposed to get to the age where we get dementia, that’s the simple truth of it. It’s unpalatable, we seem to have an innate urge to survive as long as we can but we have a shelf life just like any other animal. Even 50 years ago the majority of us would have have died of something else first.

Care homes are simply holding pens for people waiting for the inevitable.

onlythreenow, before I moved area I applied for a job in a care home in that area.

They offered me the job but said that I needed to pay up front for my DBS. When I asked why, the manager stated that they'd had so many new starters sent from the job centre that had their DBS paid for, then either failed to start work or only did a few shifts and quit.

cptartapp, could be highly probable that the concoction of pills/prolonging of life is to ensure companies continue to profit from the elderly. Profit over people unfortunately.

onlythreenow, sorry I replied to you to another poster by accident.

I must admit, it annoys me that care work is so easy to get into. Pass a DBS check and you're good to go. It really undermines the fact that carers do such an important job.

Im sorry for your loss. I have a family member planning the same but they are worried about the legal implications for anyone left behind.

This is so sad, and so true.

My DF is 89 now and living at home with DM 84. He has started to forget things and is horrified that he might end up his days in a care home. Physically apart from his diabetes, he's pretty healthy- they have a meagre diet and go for walks every day.
It's horrible but I hope he passes away from a physical illness before he ends up in a home.

It’s a brave thing to do, but one I hope I can manage. I DO NOT want to go into a home, I’d rather be put down like my cat was when he was too old and frail to live a happy life.

Care homes have had great difficulty recruiting staff post Brexit. Something else to thank Boris for

Yeah I agree, it depends on the home.

Obviously dementia is an extremely difficult illness to deal with for everyone concerned, but my dad's nursing home were fantastic. Lots of activities to keep people occupied, the residents spent very little time alone in their rooms. He was quite content most of the time.

I really wish there were legal routes for people to end their lives with dignity and at a time of their choosing in the UK. I can't think that anyone wants to end up either with dementia or just stuck in their room, unable to leave, because there are insufficient carers available. And the costs for care home are EYE WATERING and often eat up the entirety of an elderly/unwell person's estate in the final months or years of their lives, so all their hard-earned money goes on what is often shit 'care' and their loved ones get nothing. If only a British version of Dignitas was available in the UK for anyone that wanted it so much suffering could be averted.

This post hits the nail on the head. It’s not a job that anyone should go into lightly. It’a not a job that just “anyone” can do. It’s not even just about the physical nature of the job and assisting with personal care and cleaning of bodily fluids. It’s about having patience, maturity, a sense of urgency (making sure turns are done on time etc) while maintaining a calm facade while most of all being a caring person. Most of our residents have dementia to varying degrees. It can be challenging but it’s the most rewarding job in that you know you are providing good care. I work in a Home with excellent grades. The difference between it and the last one I was in is night and day. However that’s not to say staff at the previous home were poor - it’s about the owners and how much they actually want good care provided to their residents and how they appreciate their staff.

i have to agree when i was on school pick ups i knew a few single parents now you have to start working when your child is in primary might even be nursery and so many did not have good qualifications so many went into care work as it was pretty much the only jobs that were easy to get into,some stayed some left and some got pregnant again

dont shout it happens but the bottom line is some really didnt like the job but had to get the job centre of their backs not great really when they didnt want to be there,it is a vacation and would hate for my dad to be looked after by someone that really didnt want to be there

The best way for care homes to show they appreciate staff would be a pay increase…

An old colleague once told me ‘if you pay peanuts, you get monkeys’

And in some cases she’s not wrong, the pay doesn’t attract and keep good carers, people mostly use the job as a stepping stone to something better paid. Care homes are desperately understaffed at the moment and the staff turnover so high, the staff that are there are not well trained and not long been in the job…

The truth that no one wants to admit is that carers deserve and should get better pay. Care homes will not improve until that happens …

This was the case with my father in law and my husband. Both see it as suicide which is not allowed.

Not all are bad. DH has a friend in a lovely care home.

We popped in to see her a few weeks ago and she had just got back from a trip to a safari park.

The place is clean and bright with no wee or cabbage smells. The staff are friendly and DH tells me the food is good (he turned up accidentally in time for Sunday lunch once).

In contrast my DGM was in an awful one. Very depressing.

Chloefairydust, I cant see that happening anytime soon unfortunately. With the cost of things rising, if anything companies will be looking to cut costs further, not pay out more. The company who have just took us over have stated that staff will only receive time and a half in two days per year, Xmas Day and New Years Day. No Bank holidays, nothing. Food budget has been fixed at around a quid per meal, pads have been downgraded.

In fact the first thing they did when they acquired it was remove the cold, filtered water but thingy from the staff room as they weren't willing to continue to pay to rent it. It was still half full, they tipped the remainder away and off they went with it.