Mums of toddlers with little support - can we be HONEST about this please?

[TiredTabbyCat]

I've name changed since I feel the stigma of this. I am craving an honest conversation with somebody about how fucking hard it is to bring up a toddler, especially with no support network. I've tried (under different user names) to reach out on here before but have met with comments such as "what a shame you don't enjoy spending time with your child" / "it was your choice to have a child" / "wait till you have 2 / 3 / 4 children".

In real life my friends' DC are all older and I feel like Mums either forget or choose to forget the toddler years once they're gone. I overheard a woman in a waiting room this morning, saying that now she looks back at the toddler years and thinks there's no way she could go through all that again. I wanted to run over to her and hug her for being honest!!

At soft play other mums ask surface questions about nursery hours, potty training, but no-one says "it's shit isn't it". Is it because they're all coping beautifully? Or do we keep this under wraps? Are we all privately hating this?

Some Mums probably do cope better than me. Maybe they have a supportive Mum who's their best friend, or a wider family and grandparents who help out and take care of their child for the odd afternoon, or babysit sometimes. Maybe they've got a good friendship group of other mums with toddlers, or their partners work 9-5 and can help out at bedtime. Maybe their child will sit nicely and do colouring and doesn't run away whenever they walk outside or run around and grab everything in sight. I have none of this. I do have a loving partner but he works away half the week and gets home at 9pm normally. My mum is controlling bully so I don't see her, and there's no other family. My toddler is a bolter and a thrill seeker.

But I have no-one to share this with and no-one who gets it. I can't be the only one.

So can we PLEASE have an honest chat on here, without judgement or patronising comments?

• We know the caveats. We LOVE our children so much. We love the bones of them. And we know how lucky we are to have a healthy child.
• We want a family and we visualise and dream about those happy days in the future when we will go on a family holiday, Christmasses, gorgeous moments.

But can I say..

It is so shit
I bloody hate the drudgery
I hate the constant on edge of distracting away from the next tantrum
My body is TIRED
Having snacks ready, a new thing to play with, thinking ahead to what's going to set him off and how I can avoid it
I hate the constant changes. He learnt to sleep through the night and did it for ages so WHY won't he fucking sleep?!?!
I hate having zero time any more for me. I miss reading books, going to the gym, spending time on my self care, sitting quietly.
I miss my clean and tidy home.
My back is completely messed up from all the carrying and lifting a heavy 2 year old and licking him up off the floor.
I yearn for the day when he will be able to get himself ready.
I yearn for bedtimes most days.
I have aged a decade in 2 years.
I yearn for my partner to fucking hurry up and get home from work just once before bath time so it isn't just me.
Everyday is just rinse and repeat
Weekends aren't a treat anymore. I look forward to going to work.
Desperately trying to find soft play and places to book so we never have the sheer hell of a full afternoon in the house.
Trying to explain to child-free friends why I can't go to that wedding, and why it wouldn't be a good idea to just bring my 2 year old along.
Above all knowing how much I love him and yet how exhausted I feel and how I don't know where I am anymore.

Can anyone relate?

YES

Toddler-hood is bloody hard work. For EVERY SINGLE REASON you said.

My incredibly hard work DS1 turned into a more reasonable little human after age 3, and working on his speech (think constant traumatic melt downs because of lack of communication ability). We had DD1 when he turned 3 and currently in throws of absurd toddler nonsense (she’s 2). I pray for when she turns 3 as I’m hoping she will mellow out like her brother did. She’s a climber, bolter, physically aggressive to her older brother, is v advanced in speech in. comparison to her brother which brings its own issues, more demanding, more exacting and also reverts from sleeping well to sleeping horribly. We have zero family support and are exhausted as we both have to work full time jobs (ends must be met) and are trying to do everything to give our terrors a happy life.

I feel you and your struggle. Hate to wish time away but can’t wait for it to get a bit easier.

DD1 is currently fighting DS1 for a toy she doesn’t care about and has been up since 5.30am. Give me strength 🙏

P.S. DS1 became the greatest kid in the world and is the most amazing big brother to his little jerk of a sister so there’s hope xx

I can remember feeling the same at times, OP. Much of it felt like I was in a race that I didn't have much chance of finishing, never mind winning 😏 The grind of getting up, ready & out the door to drop her off at childcare & then dash to work where I needed my head fully together. Then pray I would finish on time to do it all in reverse on the way home, whilst being able to keep the home functioning & us fed. It felt like a long game of rinse & repeat. I felt lots of the things that other mums enjoyed were just tedious & I can remember thinking that I needed to have achieved something purposeful each day, in order to feel satisfied. She was and is a much wanted child & I have some great memories of doing nice things as a family, but I do look back & wonder how I did it. I did only have the 1 child partly for this reason.
Things do change as they go to school & a different set of considerations come with that. It does get easier as they grow as you gradually get tiny bits of freedom back 😊

I did have a support network and still found toddlers relentlessly hard work OP. Especially as neither of mine would fucking sit still. Give me a teething baby over a two year old any time!

-My Ds is 9 now but as soon as he hit 18-20 months wow just wow !! I was absolutely fucking knackered and hated being a mum - I feel awful to say that but looking back it was like he hated me - I worked full time too at that point and when I’d pick him up from nursery the second we got outside shit would hit the fan all the way till bedtime and in the morning before nursery - I was really depressed hiding it all and feeling like a failure at every point - them days felt so long and lonely - of course as they grow the challenges change but when all you want to do is love them and they’re kicking off left right and centre it’s hard, I can’t really offer advice i was personally depressed for a long while till he started school - I love the bones of him but he is still a challenging kid to deal with and we have good and bad days good and good and bad
months too - being a parent is really the hardest job in the world x

But logically, someone who choose to have four children in six years probably didn't hate it and massively struggle, or you wouldn't have done it again (and again). That's great for you, but absolutely not the same experience as someone who is struggling with one.

Toddlerhood is the worst age I’ve had so far. My second is coming out of it and I feel like a cloud has lifted.
I always wanted 3 kids.. love baby stage and love the stage now my eldest is in at school, being a proper child who I can chat to and enjoy spending my time with, but I can’t do it again even if I know what the outcome is - as in, it’s only two years to get a whole person and is such a small thing in the grand scheme of things.. but bloody hell, I couldn’t do it again.

Both of mine stopped napping really young and never learnt to sleep well until older so it’s not like I could look forward to having my own adult time in the evening or anything.

I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I dread days alone with the DC (2yo and 4yo). They fight all the time. I work full time Mon - Fri and often wish I could work the weekends too. We have no family support so can't have a break when it gets too much. DH works away every other weekend. The weekends when he's here are not too bad. When it's just me I try to make plans and sometimes it's OK even if all I want to do is stay home and relax. DC1 is not too bad and was even OK as a toddler despite the tantrums. But DC2 is exhausting, she is so needy and clingy all the time. She's a terrible sleeper although is finally improving (still wakes up to 4 times a night).
I'm finally where I want to be in my career but honestly home life sucks 80% of the time. I cannot wait til both children are at school and a little bit more independent.
And don't get me started on my relationship which used to be great before DC2 came along and all that added sleep deprivation and stress.

Toddlers are hard work, mine are 21 and 17 now but crikey I was permanently exhausted when they were toddlers, and I had support. Other ages have been hard, I'm not saying they haven't been but the relentlessness of toddlerhood was well, relentless, lol
I think parents with older children look back with rose coloured glasses because teenagers make us long for the days gone by, lol

I hated 12-36 months absolutely brutal. I look at anyone with those ages with pity as I do remember and I tell them this is the darkest days but it will get better.

There's the occasional flash of cute toddler crazies which I loved then back to the physical, mental, emotional grind of dealing with a 2ft tyrant.

I hate it, mine are 11 and 4 and honestly some days they make me regret ever having them. I love them so much but all they do after school and on weekends/school holidays is fight and argue. It's so draining.

They're both at school now and I'm a SAHM, I have been since I was 19, I'm 31 now. Unless DH rings me from work for a chat, I regularly go 6 and a half hours without speaking a word to anyone, I'm so lonely 😞

I so agree. I'm in the camp though where I have kinda forgotten or I was genuinely lucky to have a 'good' toddler (I'll never forget the newborn months though, that was horrific). But my friend has a toddler, who is lovely and a gorgeous boy, but he is also a terror and reminds me every time that I am so glad I no longer have a toddler! He bolts, he wiggles, he's never full even if you give him tons of food, he constantly whines and my friend is exhausted (and she has a huge support network around her!). You're not alone and it will get easier.

Mine are older now but totally agree with you. It is EXHAUSTING!! I would not want to go back to the toddler years. The worst for me was having a new baby with terrible reflux (constantly being sick) and a two year old. Just had to get everyone through the day alive, it was awful.

I found my closest friend in a park when my children were aged 3,2 and 1 (yes that close in age).
It was chilly, damp and miserable but I had to get out of the house. At the park was another woman my age with a 2 yr old and a small baby. She looked as miserable as I felt. We looked at each other and then she said ' This parenting lark is a bit shit, isn't it?!'

We have been friends ever since and our children are now adults.
We were Forces families and had no family support around and a lot of the time it WAS shit... exhausting, boring, depressing. But the good news is you do survive it and they do grow up! I swear I went to every toddler group in the county so that I didn't have to stay in the house!!!

Mind you... teens make toddlers seem fun.....

Horrible! It’s why I have one. It’s quite lovely since she was seven.

Agree totally. The experience of having small children over the last 9 years has left me slightly damaged if I'm honest. It was a lot to do with circumstances and other people's expectations of me in society, and my perception of others and their lives and opinions really. There would be a lot more joy in looking after our kids if we weren't trying to keep up with societal "norms".
I had 3 under 4, no family help (in fact, the exact opposite from most of them), an older step-child, a husband with raging undiagnosed ADHD and a time-consuming job in middle management and the mess and chaos that comes with that. I also kept my full time knackering job where I was treated like a second class citizen because I was the only one in the workplace who had small children and everyone seemed to have forgotten quite conveniently how bloody hard it is. I hated going to work and most of my colleagues to a varying extent because of this, but I needed the money. But being at home was also so frikking knackering and mind-numbing, I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place for all of the early years, adding to the general feeling of resentment/guilt. I lost a lot of friends and even though I tried couldn't seem to make any more- difficult to build rapport with a new person whilst constantly trying to stop your 3 kids from running headfirst with wild abandon into every risky activity they come across at the park. The lonliness has been fairly crushing.
I could go on.
People lie through their back teeth and will do anything to present a respectable/in control front, but I would say most are in the same boat, even when they have voluntarily put themselves in that position by having more kids. You get to see this a bit more when the kids start school and you look around/talk to the other mums. You'll see you're not the only one bearing the scars of the early years, not by a long shot!
However, at least them going to school gives you some time back. You have to work hard to remind yourself to take some time back for yourself regularly. Feel yourself coming back as your own person. Do more things that remind you of your old life and bring you joy on a personal level, and don't let others make you feel ashamed about that. People with old fashioned views will tut at you for having hobbies and interests outside of the home/children. Ignore them 💐

Another one here that looked forward to nursery days.
Remind nursery to let you know if anyone leaves you'll take those slots immediately, til the hours you want are free, sometimes they don't offer if it's not the days you've asked for.
An active toddler can be such a shock to us and very hard to cope with.
Save up some nursery fees before you have child number 2, then you don't have to go through this again

I don’t care who sees my name, I want you to know..

You are NOT alone!

I had to ask my partner to leave in September, I have a 3 year old and every day this week I’ve cried because I feel like my life is absolute shit!

I love my daughter very much but I work at home, my family are over an hour away and I have 1 real friend whose son is same age as my daughter, without her to help my sanity I’d have lost my mind months ago.

It is absolutely horrible at times and when they’re going through development and behavioural stages and changes and there’s no one to help you, it’s soul destroying!

Just know, you are not alone chick, I am right here with you 😘

My LO is just turned 2.5, and as much as she can be the most perfect little angel, which is most of the time (I know how lucky I am) she has her days where I don’t know how I can deal with another tantrum from my stubborn little madam. Never mind saints, she could try the patience of God himself when she gets herself going. Ours is an early lockdown baby as well, and I was shielding, so we didn’t get to go to the baby groups that I’d always thought I would do before Covid. We still don’t do the soft play kind of thing, even now. I have no mum friends, as like you, I was an older mum, so everyone I know started earlier and have teenagers now. TBH seeing all the teenage drama, I’m glad I only have the terrible twos to get through for now 😂
I’ve just turned 41, and I’m now nearly 8 months pregnant. Our new baby was very much wanted and planned (fertility treatment for both of our children), and while I’m sure my DD will be okay, on hard days, I do worry about how we will cope with a obstinate toddler and a newborn. That doesn’t mean I regret having my DD or getting pregnant again, it just means I’m realistic about how things are right now, and they could be when the baby arrives. I just try to be kind to myself, and remember that I will get through it all, no matter how hard and horrible it might be at the time.
Something I would definitely recommend for if your baby is flighty when you’re out- a little backpack with a lead on. You can have them carry their own drink and snacks, and let them walk relatively independently with you not having to chase them when they get too near to the road or whatever, because they’re attached to your wrist.
Honestly, I can promise that everyone with a toddler has times where they are dragging themselves through their days exactly the way you are. Some people just hide it behind pretty pictures on social media. Just try not to compare yourself to anyone else. It only leads to you feeling bad about yourself and how you’re coping with things on bad days when your demon spawn is on fine form, in a screaming tantrum on the floor of Tescos or refusing to get into their car seat. When you’re in the middle of that, take a bit of comfort in the fact that there are hundreds of us out there in the same boat as you, at the exact same time, dragging our screeching monsters away from the toy aisle in Asda.

Absolutely feel this.
I'm a single mom with twin toddlers and omg I am losing my mind over here.
I have nobody to help, no friends who I can meet up with, and I don't currently work because of childcare costs, so it's just me and my children.
I can't even explain how exhausted and overwhelmed I am every single day, and it does make it hard to enjoy time with them because my body is drained, mentally, physically and emotionally, from doing this alone for nearly 3 years with no rest.
People think you should just be grateful for having children ect and never be allowed to point out to negatives of being a parent or doing it alone.

I think this is very good advice and I did some version of it with mine. - though we probably has much slower build up to many activities as mine needed that - often had to do countdowns to transitions and lots of scaffolding - breaking tasks down which was a learning curve for me.

Big thing was making sure before times I needed them to sit still they'd have exercise - usually walking to thing and if possible play via park - had snacks/drink and toy/books stuff they could do as it reduced likelihood difficult behavior. I didn't have anyone to leave them with and DH had limited holiday time so we tried to use sparingly - so I needed to get places and have them behave - people would still moan they were there but if they were behaving very well less likely to go further.

I took them out to groups i the morning as then by time walked home has lunch they'd be quieter - plus one we found did a lot of craft stuff there which was easier than doing it in the house and having clear up after by myself. DSis who had to work during her children toddler years had nurseries and childminder who did the craft stuff or other relatives - as she like me hated it and clearing it up after - though she enjoyed other activities like days out and swimming.

Yes it was utterly crap. They grow out of it. Things do get better!

Something I would definitely recommend for if your baby is flighty when you’re out- a little backpack with a lead on. You can have them carry their own drink and snacks, and let them walk relatively independently with you not having to chase them when they get too near to the road or whatever, because they’re attached to your wrist.

We had these and they were great - our toddlers like them and as I had multiple young kids were great for safety.

I have one of these - ds likes the backpack but once he clocked he was on a ‘lead’ was not happy. Sigh.

As you both work, do you qualify for any time in nursery? Can you put your kid into nursery for a couple of hours as it really sounds like you need a rest as sleep deprivation is a torture.

speak to your health visitor or GP as potentially could be autistic and there are support groups out there you can access.

I know you said about partner working late but could they change shifts or something or take some holiday so you can go away and sleep. Even just a local motel.

I get it! DH just went away for 2 weeks with the army and I nearly blew a gasket by the end of the 2 weeks. Cried all the way through bedtime story time and couldn’t help it. My mum is very doting but doesn’t help with anything practical and has never changed a nappy.

where do you live? I’d happily get together for a Gin.