Mums of toddlers with little support - can we be HONEST about this please?

[TiredTabbyCat]

I've name changed since I feel the stigma of this. I am craving an honest conversation with somebody about how fucking hard it is to bring up a toddler, especially with no support network. I've tried (under different user names) to reach out on here before but have met with comments such as "what a shame you don't enjoy spending time with your child" / "it was your choice to have a child" / "wait till you have 2 / 3 / 4 children".

In real life my friends' DC are all older and I feel like Mums either forget or choose to forget the toddler years once they're gone. I overheard a woman in a waiting room this morning, saying that now she looks back at the toddler years and thinks there's no way she could go through all that again. I wanted to run over to her and hug her for being honest!!

At soft play other mums ask surface questions about nursery hours, potty training, but no-one says "it's shit isn't it". Is it because they're all coping beautifully? Or do we keep this under wraps? Are we all privately hating this?

Some Mums probably do cope better than me. Maybe they have a supportive Mum who's their best friend, or a wider family and grandparents who help out and take care of their child for the odd afternoon, or babysit sometimes. Maybe they've got a good friendship group of other mums with toddlers, or their partners work 9-5 and can help out at bedtime. Maybe their child will sit nicely and do colouring and doesn't run away whenever they walk outside or run around and grab everything in sight. I have none of this. I do have a loving partner but he works away half the week and gets home at 9pm normally. My mum is controlling bully so I don't see her, and there's no other family. My toddler is a bolter and a thrill seeker.

But I have no-one to share this with and no-one who gets it. I can't be the only one.

So can we PLEASE have an honest chat on here, without judgement or patronising comments?

• We know the caveats. We LOVE our children so much. We love the bones of them. And we know how lucky we are to have a healthy child.
• We want a family and we visualise and dream about those happy days in the future when we will go on a family holiday, Christmasses, gorgeous moments.

But can I say..

It is so shit
I bloody hate the drudgery
I hate the constant on edge of distracting away from the next tantrum
My body is TIRED
Having snacks ready, a new thing to play with, thinking ahead to what's going to set him off and how I can avoid it
I hate the constant changes. He learnt to sleep through the night and did it for ages so WHY won't he fucking sleep?!?!
I hate having zero time any more for me. I miss reading books, going to the gym, spending time on my self care, sitting quietly.
I miss my clean and tidy home.
My back is completely messed up from all the carrying and lifting a heavy 2 year old and licking him up off the floor.
I yearn for the day when he will be able to get himself ready.
I yearn for bedtimes most days.
I have aged a decade in 2 years.
I yearn for my partner to fucking hurry up and get home from work just once before bath time so it isn't just me.
Everyday is just rinse and repeat
Weekends aren't a treat anymore. I look forward to going to work.
Desperately trying to find soft play and places to book so we never have the sheer hell of a full afternoon in the house.
Trying to explain to child-free friends why I can't go to that wedding, and why it wouldn't be a good idea to just bring my 2 year old along.
Above all knowing how much I love him and yet how exhausted I feel and how I don't know where I am anymore.

Can anyone relate?

With you all the way. I have a just turned 3 year old DS1 and an 11 month old DS2. My Mum died when DS2 was 8 weeks old. I have a couple of Mum friends, PILs will occasionally take the boys for an overnight but day to day it’s just me. I work nights so that I don’t have to throw all my wages at child care and I feel so alone. I don’t even know who I am any more. I have no pursuits or passions of my own.

I’m fucking exhausted.
I’m sick to death of DS1 constantly asking for snacks all day long.
I’m sick of DS2 screaming when I put him down but constantly hitting and scratching me in the face when I’m holding him.

I’m sick of everything with DS1 being a negotiation that turns into 5-10 minutes of screaming and wrestling. Seriously child. If you had just fucking lay there and let me change your shitty nappy the first time I asked it would have been done by now.
I’m sick of DS1 hitting and shoving DS2 away every time he comes within a few feet of him.
I’m sick of resorting to distracting DS1 with TV cartoons that I fucking hate and then feeling like a shit parent because I’m not filling his days with enriching activities and play.
I just don’t like my life very much right now, and that’s mostly because of my children. But I can’t say that out loud.

Actually it was in a response to a PP (not OP) whose message was very obviously written by someone in an extremely depressed state (I've been there, I recognise it) and I'm glad MNHQ responded with those resources. If they're not needed, fine, but best to share them in case they are needed.

Yeah, they know all about it. They’re just wind up merchants with each other. 15 and 13. Nothing more delightful to them than pissing each other off at the moment

Sorry, that's in response to @DatasCat who told me to talk to my teens about gaslighting

Sounds like typical teen siblings to me. 😂If it’s any comfort they’ll both be well able to stand up for themselves with anyone else.

Yep, I hated the toddler years. I was part time for a while and then when they were 2 and 3 I increased to full time and it was much better. They are now 7 and 8 and really quite delightful. I wouldn’t go back to those days for anything. Our marriage only just survived it as well.

Oh OP sending lots of love to you.
I found the early years so so hard that this is the reason DS has no siblings. I don’t think I could survive it again. If I could magically give birth to a 4 year old, I’d possibly be up for it.

I am NOT arts and crafts type of person, so that was never an option. The only thing that worked for us was to be out all day long, no matter what. Buggy for naps and just easier for getting from
A to B, lots of snacks, long walks, parks, playgrounds, occasional soft play/toddler group. Indoor days consisted of duplo/lego and usually too much screen time. It was tedious, the high pitch voice nonsense conversations about fucking nothing (look at the cute doggy, how gorgeous is it, oh yes it is) and countdown to bedtime every single day, praying that my brain doesn’t explode before that.
However, once toddler years were done, things were so much better. Until now. DS is now very much prepubescent. I think we’re in for a treat.

Getting on board here with the "it's fucking shit" points raised.

My daughter is nearly 3 but due to extreme prematurity she has global development delay so really is more like a 12 month old.

I adore her. She's the cutest, funniest, prettiest, most heart-warming little girl I could imagine, but...

• The whinging is fucking painful and it makes me want to leave the house until it stops (but I never do)

• The jealousy of her new baby sibling is tearing me apart even though I try my best to include her in as much as possible, when she wants to

• her zero second attention span is frustrating, as is not understanding the most simple games (ie. upturned red cup and upturned yellow cup. Given a wooden block in either red or yellow and told the colours, then asked which cup said block matches & encouraged to drop block in corresponding cup. Just doesn't 'get it').

• I feel constant guilt that I don't spend as much time on the floor playing with her as I should, yet when I do get down to give her my full, undivided attention, she wants to steal TV remotes, phones, pull the baby's socks off, whinge, throw toys, open and close doors, try to turn on the blu-ray player, whinge, blah blah

• she wants a snack but not THAT snack. Or that one. Or that one

• she refuses to drink out of ANY cup which isn't her baby sippy cup with silicone spout. She will literally dehydrate without one no matter what I try. I've tried seventy billion other types of cup (including open cups) but no. The cups she WILL drink out of are the bane of my life. She will stick a finger in the silicone spout then pour the water out through the gap she just made, creating puddles everywhere. That behaviour can fuck right off

• taking a mouthful of water only to fire it out of her mouth like a water feature. That can also fuck off to the firy depths of hell where it belongs

• trying to clobber new baby over the head with hard plastic toys

• having a knack of knowing when I've just put the throw and cushions straight on the sofa and undoing that within five seconds of entering the room

• coming up upto me/her dad and slapping us hard for absolutely no reason, without warning

• 'helping' tidy up means emptying toy baskets faster than I can put toys away

• new 'thing' at mealtimes is to flick all the food on her plate onto her lap using the fork, then either eating it from there or feigning starvation as we've clearly forgotten to feed her

• also at mealtimes, any food she doesn't want gets hurled on the floor. Equally annoying is the art of spitting out chewed up food when she sees something else she'd prefer, either on her own plate or somebody else's. It's grim

• lastly, it's impossible to change her nappy without her wanting to grab EVERYTHING/ANYTHING within reach. She is completely unable to lie still for 30 seconds even if we try singing, actions, peek-a-boo etc yet hand her an actual toy and it instantly gets launched on the floor. This has caused many arguments between myself and her dad due to him allowing her to 'play' with plastic nappy sacks just to keep her still, even though I've blasted him about the suffocation risk hundreds of times

I don't want to wish her early childhood away and I know in years to come I'll look back on this time in fond memory, but right now these behaviours can all fuck right off.

I LOVE her, I LOVE her, I LOVE her...

Toddlers are hard going and I do think people forget it. I was on a thread the other day about a two year old pulling hair that had some sensible suggestions but a lot were absolutely bonkers. I think that a lot of MNetters expect a two year old to have the same level of understanding as a child of four or five.

Mine is two next month. I’m also (very newly) pregnant. Both my parents died quite young so aren’t around. DH … he’s not always as hands on as he could be. Doesn’t take ds out alone really, if I want to do something out of town they both tag along, I want a weekend off!

There are shit days (weeks or even months too), definitely. As a lone parent I can relate, especially as I spent some of the toddler era in lockdown, completely alone with mine.

my tips:

• go out every day to places he can run (the park)
• get a trike/bike with a push bar on it so he can be active when going places and thus tire himself out.
• read books with him like it’s going out of fashion. Even if currently he struggles to sit down for them if you make this a habit in the day it will help you while away hours of time (in short ten minute chunks of the day) whilst also exponentially increasing his vocabulary and ability to converse with you properly.
• foster his independence. As a lone parent I had to. I am a firm parent and once I knew he was capable of doing things, I insisted on them. I.e. with shoes I would put them on but ask him to Velcro them. Inevitably there would be a tantrum or two but within a week he would be doing it himself and then I would move to the next step of ‘put your foot in yourself’ etc. This is tedious but the independence give you more ability to be you.
• I spent a whole week taking my son out to cafes every single day to get him used to eating out properly. I strongly recommend this sort of short, sharp, shock therapy to accustom them to thinks you want to do regularly for your own sanity.

I really do feel for you.

I liked the toddler years although it was relentless hard work just to keep my head above water.
The baby bit was hideous. I'm not keen on babies, don't understand them, and they definitely don't make me go all gooey.

You’re not alone. Perhaps those who are judging you have always had the luxury of support. I certainly haven’t, add PND (which isn’t a real thing), a sick child (also not a real thing), health issues, a major life threatening emergency (still no help), Was just about starting to enjoy life again and bam school expect you to be there 24/7 with your purse open while your desperately trying to finally work a decent number of hours, to pay for all the things you’ve all missed out on in recent years, oh wait, I mean the cost of living crisis. I constantly ask myself how everyone else manages, and then realise they’re off to the gym, lunch, whatever social event of their choosing while the grandparents do the school run, babysit, have the kids for the weekend, which reminds me that I don’t have that luxury and can thank my lucky stars I managed to take a day off alone to clean last week. My first alone day in over 5 years, expecting the next one around 2027, next date night is scheduled for 2026.

Are you me???

I think it must be your group of friends everyone was pretty honest and helped each other. No one expected toddlers to be well behaved at a wedding for example. Try and make things more interesting for you by going with friends for a catch up at soft play stuff like that. Yeah they were hard but could also fun ?? Maybe need to grief your old life a bit and accept that’s over snd try snd get some time carved out for something for you and just reevaluate your expectations.

I don't remember everyday being shit. Some were, some were not

Do you work? If not, go back to work. It's easier

.

Absolutely 100% agree! In fact I had had my second one before my first was even walking and it broke me. Plenty of family around but none were interested in helping out at all. They're both at school now and I've still not recovered.

I always seemed to be the only one around who was really struggling and found it horrible. Don't get me wrong I love them to death and wouldn't change it, but I would never ever do it again. Always wanted 3 children but that's definitely not happening.

I think the reason you’re finding it so hard is because you’re practically doing it solo. With your partner out of the house until 9pm that leaves everything to you and that simply isn’t fair.

I know it’s easier said than done for him to change jobs but you need to have a serious conversation with them about their working hours and how it’s having an impact on you as I think a lot of the challenges you face would be resolved if you felt like you were not doing it all solo.

Coming home from work at 9pm is not conducive to family life and your partner will struggle to find a bond with your child and this resentment you feel will continue to build.

Failing that I think you might benefit from using childcare on the weekdays. Maybe one morning for three hours just so you can fit in that gym visit might be a good place to start. Some gyms have a crèche which could be a solution?

If its not affordable then look at working yourself in the week - it might seem like a viscous circle to work just to pay for childcare but that time away from your child where you engage in adult life on your own is always beneficial. you said you look forward to the weekends already so maybe there’s shifts you could do in the week too? It’s exhausting but you get that time away from your child so you look forward to seeing them later - and then they’re also tired from busy days at nursery with providers who do all the messy play and things to keep their little minds ticking over.

Find yourself some local play groups - not just soft play but actual organised activities - same place every week for an hour….. swimming, church stay and plays, baby ballet, hartbeeps etc….. you will find mum friends at these places if you go at the same time. If not mums then nannies will be hanging around. What I will say is it gets harder by the toddler age because maternity leave is over so lots of moms are back at work but there are groups out there.

I think once they start to learn ti communicate things get a lot easier - right now it feels like a guessing game and little ones really do test your boundaries but don’t feel like you have to do everything perfectly. Kids don’t need a bath every single night, a quick flannel wash can work and it’s okay to have a McDonald’s if you can’t be bothered to cook.

Get yourself a routine and stick to it. Find lots of local places to explore and wear your little one out.

When you get invited to places, like weddings then say yes. Find childcare, ask your partner to take annual leave or finish early and do not miss out. The more you miss out on for yourself the more this resentment grows and that’s not fair at all.

I find it so hard and I have a decent support system. Both our parents are really involved and my husband wfh so I only have the odd day on my own with them (I have two under two) I absolutely would not have had another so close in age if I didn’t have all the help that I do.
but yes, echoing a lot of things already said, it’s much easier getting out with them. I hate sitting in with them, their behaviour is horrendous. I’ve found lots of local groups, playgroup, song time in the library and they do make the day go quicker.
I find myself wishing they were older, so things will get easier, then feel bad because they’re only little once.

Oh, and I’ll also add. You’ll see a lot of the same faces in these local groups for kids. Could be an opportunity to make friends?
I wouldn’t say I’m massively close to the other mums- but our kids play together and we have a chat. It really does break up the day

I hear you! I used to look at people merrily going about their lives, to exciting days out etc with 2 or even more tiny kids like it was no big deal and wonder what was wrong with me, that I found even a trip to the local park such hard work. Social media really doesn't help with this.

Turns out, my child WAS hard work, it wasn't me - they are ND. I'm NOT saying the OPs child is ND by the way, but it is true to say that some young children ARE harder work than others. Even with 'easy' children, with little support the relentlessness of it all can be crushing. Reading social media posts from parents smugly stating that their child/ren just fitted into their lives, and making out that having kids isn't hard work used to give me the rage.

I think if we're honest, even smug parents of 'easy' kids will have at least the odd moment where they want to scream! It's just kept hidden, as motherhood is supposed to be a dream, and it reflects badly on a parent (usually mum) to say they're not enjoying every moment.

Let’s face it, it is bloody hard isn’t it and some of it is just repetitive and boring. Doesn’t mean I don’t love my little one to death and I wouldn’t jump in front of a bus for him. Most of my friends or the people I work with have older kids or did the kid thing a long time ago. They are definitely all wearing rose tinted glasses. Some get it but very few. We also have zero support and we haven’t had a night for us since little one arrived. I have a runner and every time we go out I have to have hold on so tight, I dream of one of those kids that just walk nicely and do what they are told hahaha. Anyways just wanted to send some solidarity, it’s tough!!!

I found my eldest really hard work from about 18m to 3. He matured a lot then and is now really good company at nearly 4. I would have happily worked more and put him in nursery extra days. My youngest is a delight in comparisons but I can still see the tantrums coming in.

Yes, I hated it. Didn't help that mine was little during Covid so there was nothing to do, no friends' houses to go to, no library, nothing except muddy sodding playgrounds. Thankfully he was in nursery four days a week (except lockdowns of course).

There is light OP. Mine is now nearly 4 and mostly a delight. You can have actual conversations, and right now he's upstairs playing while I have a cup of tea on the sofa. I wouldn't go back to the toddler (or newborn) years for anything. Definitely not having another one!

Load of rubbish.
I had 4 under 6 - two of them toddlers and one a newborn. With zero outside help, paid or otherwise. I was a stay at home mum throughout (I know that's not allowed on here!) and was never able to leave them as I have no family support. Somehow I survived. Youngest is 4 and all are now in full time school so as of September I do finally get a little time to myself - it's taken 10 years though. We have to live with the choices we make and get on with it.