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Original poster

DH skint and retraining. I'm footing the bill. Thoughts?

118 replies

SmokedHaddockChowder · 30/10/2022 08:33

I'd appreciate your perspectives on this please, as I'm not able to discuss it with anyone in RL.
I've been with DH for 17 years. It's just the two of us.
For at least the last 10 years, I've earned significantly more than him.
Often people can't help what they earn, but DH has done the same job for 15 years and, despite my pleas, has never done a thing to better his situation or give his CV a boost - he's never done a short course, gained a qualification or gone for an interview. More than the salary issue, I've always warned him that's he's in a job 'cul de sac' that will come back to bite him - he's been in a basic job for a niche employer and has not learned transferable skills and not kept up to date with modern working practices. He's never in debt and lives within his means, but is often in a slightly precarious financial position - one bad MOT and his savings are wiped out and then he works hard to build them up again.
So I've always paid for most of the big stuff - holidays, house projects, furniture and so on.
Anyway, at 40 he's just lost his job and, thanks to some minor disasters for him this year, doesn't even have enough put aside to pay for one month of outgoings. His options to just 'get a new job' are looking as poor as I've always anticipated, so he's already started to retrain in something totally new.
However, I've had to pay for his course. I'm also going to have to buy some expensive PPE that he needs. He could take out a bank loan, but I'm not going to watch him get in to debt while I've got the funds in my savings. And I'm going to have to cover all of our outgoings for a while while he gets up and running in this new industry.
I've never seen him so low and am genuinely worried about his safety. He's hit absolute rock bottom. He's devastated to have lost his job and humiliated that he's having to rely on me like this. So I'm trying to be kind and supportive. But I'm FURIOUS with him for not heeding my warnings and for his TOTAL lack of forward planning. And I'm furious that, yet again, I'm picking up the tab.
He's a fantastic husband in lots of other ways and we're an excellent team, so I'm not suggesting I want to leave him, but I'd like help with managing my anger and to hear how my situation would make you feel?

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 30/10/2022 08:37

I’m not sure there’s anything you can do about resentment, if there is I’d love to know what.
For me it was the beginning of the end.
Perhaps you should try to look at your money as one pot, rather than yours and his.

OctopusBreath · 30/10/2022 08:40

This must be difficult for you and a lot of pressure. But if he offered to take out a loan, and you preferred to give him the money, you do need to let the bitterness go- you should have given it in good faith, and you shouldn't have given it if you knew you were going to be so angry about it.

You sound ambitious with regards to your career, and that's great, but not everyone is the same. Many many people are content to stay in the same job for years and years, and tbh I know few people who often go on courses and are always actively looking to improve their CV.

Losing his job has obviously had a massive impact on your DH's MH. I'd do my best to choose compassion rather than bitterness right now, as you say he's great in other areas.

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 30/10/2022 08:40

There's nothing you can do now. He didn't have to listen to you although if he had he might be in a better position now. Nothing can be done but you both know now you will be more secure in the future if his training leads to new and better prospects. Let it go.

And put your money into a joint account if you haven't already, it'll make things smoother and easier for both

Cupcakegirl13 · 30/10/2022 08:43

To me it seems like the issues run a lot deeper than the current job loss , you don’t speak of yourselves as a team in anyway , in my mind marriage is a partnership in every sense of the word , there shouldn’t be ‘his money and my money ‘ it should be ‘our money’. That way whoever looses their job is not ‘relying’ on someone else . Everything is shared. If he has been happy in his work all this time and is not in debt then that seems fine to me , money isn’t the be all and end all and if collectively you have enough to live as you want to and you’re both happy in your work then all is well surely ?
With the current issue you need to chat it through and agree together what is going to work financially and what you both feel happy doing and compromise a little if needed.

bestbefore · 30/10/2022 08:43

Are you married? It doesn't seem much of a partnership? For richer for poorer? I many marriages there's an unequal income but shared finances. I appreciate you've warned him but not everyone is ambitious - perhaps he's been happy in his old job and scared of change?

NextPrimeMinister · 30/10/2022 08:43

I'm in a very similar position but I feel no resentment as you do. Our money goes into a pot, he's not a big spender so lives within his means. Yes, I carry the responsibility of savings, etc (but we would have far more if I spent like he does, but I don't).
If you switched out our genders, no one would bat an eyelid.

I married him with my eyes open, he would never have a career, only a job. I love to work and advance.

Is it worth exploring the resentment and what's driving it?

BitOutOfPractice · 30/10/2022 08:44

You very much see you money as completely separate despite a long and happy marriage. To a slightly odd degree I think.

tenbob · 30/10/2022 08:44

You’ve been with him for 17 years, you describe yourselves as ‘a team’ but you have separate savings pots and are ‘furious’ at having to cover his living costs?

I don’t think you’re as much of a team as you think
where does the resentment come from at the idea of having to share savings, which is something the vast majority of married couples would do on a daily basis

I get the ‘I told you so’ element of him not listening to your warnings about improving his employment and earning prospects but your reaction seems incredibly over the top, given you have savings and financial headroom for him to retrain

Changingplace · 30/10/2022 08:46

How has he lost his job? Has he been made redundant or sacked?

If he was there for 15 years and made redundant he should be getting redundancy pay to tide him over.

Cwcwbird · 30/10/2022 08:49

I agree with previous posts, you don't sound like a team to me. He's hardly some sponging irresponsible cock lodger is he? I don't know how to help you with feeling resentful because I can't imagine feeling resentful in that scenario.

VladmirsPoutine · 30/10/2022 08:51

I think it's reasonable to feel annoyed he didn't listen to what you said before the shit hit the fan which is why now that you're 'covering' his outgoings and retraining makes you feel the way you do partnership or not. What is he retraining in and do you expect he'll be soon up and running again? It's natural for him to feel down but is he doing everything he can to pick himself up?

Original poster
SmokedHaddockChowder · 30/10/2022 08:51

Thanks so much for your replies so far.
For some more info, we've shared finances for many years in so far as we put money into our joint account which is proportionate to our earnings. We really are a team in all other respects, but yes - I want to share our finances fully going forwards, so that I'm not building up a large savings pot and he's building up very little. We've agreed that this is what we'll do from here.
Would you say I should put my personal savings pot into our joint account at this point?

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 30/10/2022 08:51

To answer your question "how would my situation make you feel"

I'd feel really worried about how he was feeling and I'd want to help.

I wouldn't care who was bringing what money in because we have always shared everything and worked as a team. If the money coming into the house was insufficient to meet our needs then I'd sit down with him and we'd work out a budget.

SmallestInTheClass · 30/10/2022 08:51

Im surprised you’ve been together so long and still see your finances as completely separate. I agree with financial freedom but in his place I’d feel a bit like a kept woman not a loved, long term partner. I’d support him with retraining and see if you can help him find other stuff to do. Our jobs are part of our identity and job loss can hit really hard. It can be a tipping point for serious MH issues, especially for men. You sound like you’re being kind and supportive which is what he needs (and well done for keeping your frustrations from him).

Original poster
SmokedHaddockChowder · 30/10/2022 08:52

He's hardly some sponging irresponsible cock lodger is he? I don't know how to help you with feeling resentful because I can't imagine feeling resentful in that scenario.
It's so helpful to hear this sort of feedback. No he's absolutely not a sponger.

OP posts:
Mardyface · 30/10/2022 08:54

You can't help how you feel. It is good that you're not sharing your fury with him. He is, after all, trying to do something about his position.

I'm trying to find a kind way to tell you that I think your financial set up is unfair and impractical. By keeping him on the edge of ruin at all times when you don't have to you have created an environment in which you are always top dog and he is inferior and dependent on you to keep up with your lifestyle. You have indicated that he was always going to fail according to your method of counting. Well, now he has. He is a failure and in fact has been all along, as you always said, and you're having to bail him out, as you always said you would have to. I'm not really surprised he feels like shit. He knows how you feel because you've told him enough times.

BooksAreSaferThanPeople · 30/10/2022 08:54

I think it's odd that you've been together for so long but still see your finances as entirely separate.

What if the situation was reversed and he was the high earner and you were the one in the low income job? Would you expect him to feel resentment towards you for your career choices. Was he happy in his old role? Surely if he had enough to live on and enjoyed the job then it wasn't an issue? Not everyone wants to climb the career ladder.

dontknowwhatisbest · 30/10/2022 08:55

You're married, OP, a team. I'd understand you being furious if he had been pissing his money away, but he hasn't.

It sounds like you expect him to behave as you would do, without taking into account that he isn't you. This is who he is. You either love him and support him - all of him - or you don't.

wizzywig · 30/10/2022 08:55

I feel for your husband a bit. Imagine as an adult having to live with a partner who treats them like a child with the 'I told you so's'. Well done you, you were right. And you had said you wanted him to retrain, so support him

Original poster
SmokedHaddockChowder · 30/10/2022 08:55

Im surprised you’ve been together so long and still see your finances as completely separate
I grew up in a single parent, low income household and I think I've been a bit too overprotective of the savings pot that I've built up. These replies are making me see that.

OP posts:
DarkMatternix · 30/10/2022 08:56

How are your finances shared normally? It doesn't sound like much of a partnership.

I massively outearn my partner, so it's only natural that I pay for home improvements, holidays etc. He does have some personal savings but I'd absolutely expect to cover living expenses and provide financial support for retraining if that's what was needed after a job loss. I can't imagine feeling resentful about it.

CraneBoysMysteries · 30/10/2022 08:56

I think your update about sharing finances is sensible and will probably stop a lot of resentment

I'm in a similar position to you in that I'm ambitious and earn a lot more and DH is content and fulfilled in a job with little prospects.

But I don't have 'personal savings' and to call it as such is a bit weird. I pay for most of the outgoings, DH puts most of his into our savings. We go into them when we need to and they've been covering my maternity recently.

I honestly don't think of his and my money despite us having separate accounts-it's all household money.

And my DH is a kind and loving man who doesn't spend much and is appreciative that much of what we can afford is due to my job. But equally I love it and I love him so there is no resentment

VladmirsPoutine · 30/10/2022 08:57

Would you say I should put my personal savings pot into our joint account at this point?

Categorically no. I'm sorry but all this 'we are a team' thing has to have some sort of limit. Every single woman, I mean EVERY woman needs to always have her own pot of money to which only she has access to. That's just being sensible. Love is brilliant but so is also being able to keep your head above water solo should need be.

Original poster
SmokedHaddockChowder · 30/10/2022 08:58

I feel for your husband a bit. Imagine as an adult having to live with a partner who treats them like a child with the 'I told you so's'.
Yes on reflection I agree with you and I feel terrible.

OP posts:
Cwcwbird · 30/10/2022 08:58

Ah. I was just wondering if you grew up in a low income household and if maybe some of this resentment comes from a fear of ending up back there and maybe wishing you could lean on someone else to protect you from that. I mean there's so much in the news about cost of living etc, I hate the word but it must be quite triggering for people who've lived through poverty in the past

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