DH skint and retraining. I'm footing the bill. Thoughts?

[SmokedHaddockChowder]

I'd appreciate your perspectives on this please, as I'm not able to discuss it with anyone in RL.
I've been with DH for 17 years. It's just the two of us.
For at least the last 10 years, I've earned significantly more than him.
Often people can't help what they earn, but DH has done the same job for 15 years and, despite my pleas, has never done a thing to better his situation or give his CV a boost - he's never done a short course, gained a qualification or gone for an interview. More than the salary issue, I've always warned him that's he's in a job 'cul de sac' that will come back to bite him - he's been in a basic job for a niche employer and has not learned transferable skills and not kept up to date with modern working practices. He's never in debt and lives within his means, but is often in a slightly precarious financial position - one bad MOT and his savings are wiped out and then he works hard to build them up again.
So I've always paid for most of the big stuff - holidays, house projects, furniture and so on.
Anyway, at 40 he's just lost his job and, thanks to some minor disasters for him this year, doesn't even have enough put aside to pay for one month of outgoings. His options to just 'get a new job' are looking as poor as I've always anticipated, so he's already started to retrain in something totally new.
However, I've had to pay for his course. I'm also going to have to buy some expensive PPE that he needs. He could take out a bank loan, but I'm not going to watch him get in to debt while I've got the funds in my savings. And I'm going to have to cover all of our outgoings for a while while he gets up and running in this new industry.
I've never seen him so low and am genuinely worried about his safety. He's hit absolute rock bottom. He's devastated to have lost his job and humiliated that he's having to rely on me like this. So I'm trying to be kind and supportive. But I'm FURIOUS with him for not heeding my warnings and for his TOTAL lack of forward planning. And I'm furious that, yet again, I'm picking up the tab.
He's a fantastic husband in lots of other ways and we're an excellent team, so I'm not suggesting I want to leave him, but I'd like help with managing my anger and to hear how my situation would make you feel?

OP has he been made redundant? Isn’t there a pay out after working somewhere 15 years?

I feel a bit sorry for your husband, tbh. It doesn't sound as though he's done anything wrong. Lots of people stay in jobs which are fine, it's just bad luck that he happens to have lost his job now. It doesn't sound as though you see yourselves as a team.

I am the breadwinner in our family. I am only the breadwinner now because my husband supported me financially for years. When he met me, I am was actually an unemployed single mother living on benefits. I couldn't find work. Once we moved in together, he saw all of his money as shared family money. He also provided for my child. He received an inheritance and bought a house outright, but married me first so that I would have a claim on the house too and my child and I would be provided for should our relationship end for any reason. He paid for me to train and also have driving lessons. We didn't see it as his money though - we saw it as family money being used for the benefit of our entire family. I now work full time and he is part time around the children. He intends to do some training now. Our setup has always been about what's best for us as a family rather than as individuals and I feel very lucky to have found somebody who is so supportive. I think you need to support your husband at his lowest point rather than saying 'i told you so'.

No, if one of the partners was a sahp/part time to care for children then you would hear the term "family money" because that is the only fair way to do it. That is a different situation entirely to where two people both work and have no children.

I tend to the view of family money for long term relationships as well, but that does not mean you have to merge all accounts and yes every woman should have a running away fund. Men too if they want it, but statistically women are more likely to need that money.

Of course this also assumes that both parties are putting in equal efforts to the overall relationship - be that money or other contributions. In this situation the DH has create an avoidable situation - only the OP knows whether he was on cruise control on her income, overly committed to an important but low paid job or something else entirely.

You are married. I don't understand keeping "my" money and "his" money when you are a unit. "All that I am I give to you; all that I have I share with you."

Not quite the point but I highly doubt his previous role had no transferable skills. They may not seem obvious but for the sake of encouraging his self esteem and employability it would be useful to unearth these. Time-management, working with others, dependability, loyalty. Surely if he worked for a company for so long some of these are applicable?

You don’t really seem to like him. Your post sounds like you see him as a mooching roommate that you are stuck with.
I'm horrified that you've taken that from my post. I absolutely adore him. He's my best friend and world.
We've been together through thick and thin for our entire adult lives.
My post would have been far too long if I'd expanded it to encompass all of the positives, so I've focused purely on this one issue.

No, if one of the partners was a sahp/part time to care for children then you would hear the term "family money" because that is the only fair way to do it. That is a different situation entirely to where two people both work and have no children.

I've only just thought this myself. I wonder how many couples only started sharing their money fully when a maternity leave forced them to do so. As two adults with no kids, despite being a team, we've not had that push.

This. Poor man.

I agree with others but also understand why your instinct was for caution.
When we married, were had one account that everything went into. If we got to end of month with spare, we would put some into savings. Some into DH name, some into mine but never for exclusive use of one of us.
During that time we had 3 children and DH had 2 years unemployed. We just readjusted each time. I looked after the kids when pre school and worked one long day ( he condensed his hours) then I went full time whilst he was unemployed. Then we both stayed full-time as kids were at secondary school and his job was home based.
You are a unit. Your money is family money. Next year you could be unable to work for some reason and relying on him. It is what you do as a couple.
Sounds like the perfect opportunity for a reset.
You need a good conversation where you apologize and tell him you have his back and are excited about his prospects going forward and are in it together.
Hopefully his mood will lift and his anxiety about finances will be removed and you will both feel more positive moving forward.
I know not all relationships work like this but it is literally in the marriage vows.
There is nothing more heartbreaking on MN than some poor first time mum usingup all her savings whilst on maternity leave whilst her DH earning 5 figure salary pays her pocket money if she's lucky!!

What job did he have? How come no transferable skills?
When you asked him years ago why he wasn't taking a new course / qualification what did he say to your pleas?

How much redundancy pay did he receive? Surely enough for a couple of months? After 15 years.

I would absolutely feel bitter, but is there a chance he will make it up to you once he's back working ? Has he said anything about it

You may be right to feel that way but your anger, resentment and "I told you so" attitude isn't going to help. What's done is done.

How do you want things to go or what do you expect?

I think his behaviour is unacceptable. My ex was ikea this minimum wage job for 2p years spent everything he earned without any care for our future while I paid for everything. I'm glad he's gone.
I had to retrain at 40 as disability meant I could no longer do nursing. For the whole three years I trained as an NHS podiatrist I worked every single weekend and all of the holidays in a nursing home because the mortgage isn't going to pay itself neither are the bills. It was tough but I did it. I didn't have a day off for three years.
Why isn't he working in a supermarket or something at weekends to keep the household together?

How much redundancy pay did he receive? Surely enough for a couple of months? After 15 years.
It's complicated to explain, but due to how his employment was structured, he got nothing.

I think retraining is his best option and as you are married it does make sense for you to fund it rather than him get a loan.
Redundancy is a blow and will impact his self esteem . I think compassion is called for, at least he is willing to retrain which will hopefully be the start of a better more secure future.
I get your frustration as he hadn't been proactive until pushed but not everyone is ambitious, sounds like he was happy plodding along, your outlook on work is clearly very different but as you say he's a brilliant husband in every other way.

Poor bloke. I hope his retraining works out well for him and he can get another job that he enjoys and he can pay his way.

Op I am not married but am the higher wage earner. By a lot.

I love dp and have always been aware that he isn’t career focused like I am. To resent him for that years down the line would be incredibly unfair. We also don’t have kids together. I have 2.

While we don’t share finances, his life is definitely subsided by income and I wouldn’t have no problem supporting him more to retrain if he wants that.

We are a team and finances are not the be all and end all of that. I have just paid for a load of dental work that he would never be able to pay for. We couldn’t get an nhs dentist in the last 4 years.

I also grew up very poor and do have the same fears you do. But I love dp and don’t want to see such huge disparity between us.

I don't get the whole my money your money thing. You can afford to pay for retraining and hopefully he will get a better job at the end of it. Don't be mad at him poor guy just lost his job. Some people are happy to just stay in a job although I totally get it I wouldn't be out there working for little money. I'd be doing something about it and hopefully he is now.

I earn more than double my husband but it's never been an issue our finances are combined. He's also retraining at the moment and hopefully at the end will have a similar paid job to me.

Why isn't he working in a supermarket or something at weekends to keep the household together?
Because there's no need. I can afford our outgoings. The job he's retraining into is physically demanding so he's going to be tired.

Do you think this will give him a bit of a shock/kick up the arse so he doesn’t get in the same situation again? For me that would be the decider - if he does this training and gets a new job but goes back to just drifting along for the rest of his working life then I imagine I’d feel resentful. If this produces a change in mindset so he strives a bit more in the future than I think I could move past it.

I understand the resentment. I have been through similar, being the main/only wage earner and supporting DH through poor mental health and then retraining. It is frustrating and tiring and can become all consuming. I got quite down at one point. I came through it because I realised that yes, it is unfair but sometimes/often life is unfair. Feeling crap about it was only damaging me so I just accepted it, acknowledged that it wasn't going to be forever and got on with things.

I've always managed our money and been in charge of that, so it feels like the responsibility is all on me to sort it all out. Which is exhausting, but it's something that is much more within my gift than his so that's the way it is (and historical reasons why he wasn't allowed to be in charge of money for a while).
It does mean the power balance is a bit off, but I'm hoping we can slowly realign this is the future.

Anyway, I get it OP. Sometimes it sucks to be the sensible grown up, forward planner and be the one paying for everything. Let the resentment go, it only hurts you. If you're not going to leave him then the only thing you can change is your approach to it all.

*I understand the resentment. I have been through similar, being the main/only wage earner and supporting DH through poor mental health and then retraining. It is frustrating and tiring and can become all consuming. I got quite down at one point. I came through it because I realised that yes, it is unfair but sometimes/often life is unfair. Feeling crap about it was only damaging me so I just accepted it, acknowledged that it wasn't going to be forever and got on with things.

I've always managed our money and been in charge of that, so it feels like the responsibility is all on me to sort it all out. Which is exhausting, but it's something that is much more within my gift than his so that's the way it is (and historical reasons why he wasn't allowed to be in charge of money for a while).
It does mean the power balance is a bit off, but I'm hoping we can slowly realign this is the future.

Anyway, I get it OP. Sometimes it sucks to be the sensible grown up, forward planner and be the one paying for everything. Let the resentment go, it only hurts you. If you're not going to leave him then the only thing you can change is your approach to it all.*

This is 100% how I feel. Thank you, this is helpful.

Me and my partner don't have kids, but we have joint account for all life's expenses as we are a team. My partner earns a lot more than me so contributes more to the pot but it's still a shared pot.

We both also have our own accounts / savings for stuff like Christmas and birthday gifts and to allow for some independence.

Do you think this will give him a bit of a shock/kick up the arse so he doesn’t get in the same situation again?
Yes, this job is physical and outdoor based, and you gain incremental qualifications as you go. He's excited about the routes he can go down with it and admits he felt 'stuck' in his last role, but didn't know what to do about it.