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Original poster

DH skint and retraining. I'm footing the bill. Thoughts?

118 replies

SmokedHaddockChowder · 30/10/2022 08:33

I'd appreciate your perspectives on this please, as I'm not able to discuss it with anyone in RL.
I've been with DH for 17 years. It's just the two of us.
For at least the last 10 years, I've earned significantly more than him.
Often people can't help what they earn, but DH has done the same job for 15 years and, despite my pleas, has never done a thing to better his situation or give his CV a boost - he's never done a short course, gained a qualification or gone for an interview. More than the salary issue, I've always warned him that's he's in a job 'cul de sac' that will come back to bite him - he's been in a basic job for a niche employer and has not learned transferable skills and not kept up to date with modern working practices. He's never in debt and lives within his means, but is often in a slightly precarious financial position - one bad MOT and his savings are wiped out and then he works hard to build them up again.
So I've always paid for most of the big stuff - holidays, house projects, furniture and so on.
Anyway, at 40 he's just lost his job and, thanks to some minor disasters for him this year, doesn't even have enough put aside to pay for one month of outgoings. His options to just 'get a new job' are looking as poor as I've always anticipated, so he's already started to retrain in something totally new.
However, I've had to pay for his course. I'm also going to have to buy some expensive PPE that he needs. He could take out a bank loan, but I'm not going to watch him get in to debt while I've got the funds in my savings. And I'm going to have to cover all of our outgoings for a while while he gets up and running in this new industry.
I've never seen him so low and am genuinely worried about his safety. He's hit absolute rock bottom. He's devastated to have lost his job and humiliated that he's having to rely on me like this. So I'm trying to be kind and supportive. But I'm FURIOUS with him for not heeding my warnings and for his TOTAL lack of forward planning. And I'm furious that, yet again, I'm picking up the tab.
He's a fantastic husband in lots of other ways and we're an excellent team, so I'm not suggesting I want to leave him, but I'd like help with managing my anger and to hear how my situation would make you feel?

OP posts:
CraneBoysMysteries · 30/10/2022 08:59

I should add that some years ago my DH wanted to train in something else. He got through most of the training, bought the equipment etc and I covered the household costs and monies towards it

After 9 months he decided he really hated it and the grass wasn't greener. He went back to his old profession for a different company.

I would have been within my rights to be furious. But he'd talked about taking a chance in this profession for a while. Then I could slowly see him slip into the shadows and got more and more depressed.

I now accept that he will probably remain in his job until retirement

Iwanttoslowdown · 30/10/2022 09:00

I’m going to disagree with most posts OP. Keep your savings pot.

Your OP has not looked to think long term so you might find that he starts a course that he doesn’t like/get along with/isn’t good at. If your savings pot is paying for this then he might not value or take this opportunity as seriously as he should. This is about life and fiscal responsibility- you have been his reliance. You cannot continue to be that is why you are feeling resentful.

Let him take out a loan for his own development, by all means support him to retrain but keep your savings. Stop rescuing your OH.

CraneBoysMysteries · 30/10/2022 09:00

SmokedHaddockChowder · 30/10/2022 08:55

Im surprised you’ve been together so long and still see your finances as completely separate
I grew up in a single parent, low income household and I think I've been a bit too overprotective of the savings pot that I've built up. These replies are making me see that.

This makes a lot of sense

I think you definitely need to let go of these concerns and worries if you can and truly embrace being one team

Original poster
SmokedHaddockChowder · 30/10/2022 09:02

Ah. I was just wondering if you grew up in a low income household and if maybe some of this resentment comes from a fear of ending up back there and maybe wishing you could lean on someone else to protect you from that.
Yes absolutely this. And try as I might to be an independent modern woman through and through, I don't know anyone (and I mean ANYONE) in real life who is a female breadwinner. I know there are millions of us out there, but I don't see anyone I can relate to in my social circle.

OP posts:
Gruelle · 30/10/2022 09:03

But they’re married, @VladmirsPoutine - won’t the OP’s savings be a marital asset if they divorce?

It does sound strange to hear of one spouse ‘shelling out’ to help the other retrain. If it were reversed, of course, we would all be talking about family money. And it would be considered oppressive and possibly even abusive for a husband to feel so disparagingly towards his wife.

MairzyDoats · 30/10/2022 09:03

Some people get stuck in a job because its safe and comfortable and if it ain't broke... I was in your husband's position, had a non-challenging job I loved and frankly buried my head in the sand for years. I could kick myself now at the wasted time but never mind. 4 years ago I was made redundant and from a career perspective it was the best thing that could have happened to me - since then I've had 3 new positions, learned loads, discovered a lot about my own capabilities and am currently thinking about my next move (hopefully upwards.) It's never too late to learn to fly...try and encourage him out of the hole he's in and see this as short term pain for long term gain. The money is an investment, don't forget that.

Original poster
SmokedHaddockChowder · 30/10/2022 09:04

I'm trying to find a kind way to tell you that I think your financial set up is unfair and impractical. By keeping him on the edge of ruin at all times when you don't have to you have created an environment in which you are always top dog and he is inferior and dependent on you to keep up with your lifestyle. You have indicated that he was always going to fail according to your method of counting. Well, now he has. He is a failure and in fact has been all along, as you always said, and you're having to bail him out, as you always said you would have to. I'm not really surprised he feels like shit. He knows how you feel because you've told him enough times.
God this is heartbreaking. Yes I agree.

OP posts:
JulesLight · 30/10/2022 09:05

Do you live in an expensive area? Or do you have a big mortgage? I'm just wondering how you don't have any kids but your husband has never been able to pay towards holidays or furniture? I have a not very high paid job - probably similar to your DH (but very worthwhile and I won't be changing it anytime soon), but I have always been able to pay towards these things? Do you have more expensive tastes than he could afford? Would he make different choices if you weren't together?

I don't know, I think being a team is much easier to achieve for some couples than others, but you say yourself he has always worked and he has always paid his way? Is it time to maybe make that effort and start being more of a team? He has already started to make the effort to retrain in another job. That is brilliant!

Original poster
SmokedHaddockChowder · 30/10/2022 09:06

4 years ago I was made redundant and from a career perspective it was the best thing that could have happened to me - since then I've had 3 new positions, learned loads, discovered a lot about my own capabilities and am currently thinking about my next move (hopefully upwards.) It's never too late to learn to fly...try and encourage him out of the hole he's in and see this as short term pain for long term gain. The money is an investment, don't forget that.
This is great to hear and I think the new industry DH has chosen will be an exciting new start for him.

OP posts:
Ekateri · 30/10/2022 09:07

Mardyface · 30/10/2022 08:54

You can't help how you feel. It is good that you're not sharing your fury with him. He is, after all, trying to do something about his position.

I'm trying to find a kind way to tell you that I think your financial set up is unfair and impractical. By keeping him on the edge of ruin at all times when you don't have to you have created an environment in which you are always top dog and he is inferior and dependent on you to keep up with your lifestyle. You have indicated that he was always going to fail according to your method of counting. Well, now he has. He is a failure and in fact has been all along, as you always said, and you're having to bail him out, as you always said you would have to. I'm not really surprised he feels like shit. He knows how you feel because you've told him enough times.

I know you have replied OP, but I think this is really well put and has valid points

musingsinmidlife · 30/10/2022 09:10

You don’t really seem to like him. Your post sounds like you see him as a mooching roommate that you are stuck with.

So many men financially support their wives. If they came in here disgusted with their wife and critical and negative about them being not enough in every way, just a huge disappointment and failure in life like you see your husband, they would be eviscerated.

if you are concerned about his mental health then start treating him like a human with value.

NextPrimeMinister · 30/10/2022 09:12

Let's not go crazy here, lose the resentment but keep your savings in your name!

I have daydreams where I imagine what our lifestyle would be like if we both earned what I did, but I am very materialistic. I then have a word with myself, as I know I didn't marry that man so if I continued I would resent him.

GingerKittenTail · 30/10/2022 09:13

Isn’t the point of being married that you share Everything ?
Seems so strange to me

Jewel1968 · 30/10/2022 09:13

Why is money so important to you? Do you come from a background of financial insecurity? Your pushing him to broaden his skillset was so he could advance. Why? To my mind he was working, contributing but not career focused. If everything else was good I don't really understand why this bothered you. But I guess you now are in a position where had he heeded you he would be in a better position but not bullet proof.

In my experience you cannot make someone do what you want them to do - all you can do is manage your response to their actions or inactions. Examine how you feel, why you feel that way and act. Why do you resent him. Are you stressed in your job? Do you feel stress because he relies on you now? I can understand that.

Quitelikeit · 30/10/2022 09:14

Resentment is like drinking your own poison so stop that

the guy really can’t help who he is you knew his career yet expected him to change and align with your own expectations

big mistake as people rarely change

tenbob · 30/10/2022 09:15

SmokedHaddockChowder · 30/10/2022 08:51

Thanks so much for your replies so far.
For some more info, we've shared finances for many years in so far as we put money into our joint account which is proportionate to our earnings. We really are a team in all other respects, but yes - I want to share our finances fully going forwards, so that I'm not building up a large savings pot and he's building up very little. We've agreed that this is what we'll do from here.
Would you say I should put my personal savings pot into our joint account at this point?

None of us know the full dynamics of your relationship but if it was me, I think I would say something along the lines of “I know it’s not been easy for you to deal with losing your job, and a lot of people would have given up. But I really appreciate and admire the effort you’ve made to find this course, and I want to fully support your training.
I don’t want to make money any sort of additional stress while you train, so I’ve moved my savings into our joint account, so you can use the money for your course and PPE and anything else you need. I know you’re not going to go mad with spending but just give me a heads up if it’s over £xx so I can budget for the rest of the year.’

By all means keep a pot for yourself, but If you truly consider yourself a team and you trust each other, there is no reason the majority of your money shouldn’t be joint and accessible to you both

TheWayTheLightFalls · 30/10/2022 09:15

I don’t want to add to the pile-on. What is his new job/field like? Is the pay ok? What will things look like, financially and in terms of time commitment etc, in a year, two years, five?

Tbh if someone is working for nigh on two decades and a bad MOT wipes out all their business reserves, that doesn’t seem to me to be a sustainable business.

rookiemere · 30/10/2022 09:16

I think you should have let him take out the loan. Technically yes it makes more sense for you to pay for it, but it's translated into this unhealthy dynamic where you're the parent and he's the recalcitrant teen.
Agree a plan for him to pay it back, based on likely time of study and potential job prospects. To be fair to him he wanted to take the loan, rather than be financially dependent on you.

HamSandwichKiller · 30/10/2022 09:16

I'd be very much against sharing all your savings at this point too. Your relationship's financial dynamic isn't the healthiest but that doesn't necessarily mean the solution is for your DH to get free access to everything either. Always keep some money to one side that you can access in a crisis - even if he's entitled to half on paper at least you know you'll always be able to afford food/petrol if something goes wrong.

Can he get an evening / weekend job while he retrains? I think that would do his self-esteem some good.

Original poster
SmokedHaddockChowder · 30/10/2022 09:17

Do you live in an expensive area? Or do you have a big mortgage? I'm just wondering how you don't have any kids but your husband has never been able to pay towards holidays or furniture?
No we don't. I guess it's just easier for me to pay for things as I'll get a bonus or something and it gives me some money to 'waste', as it were. He's in one of those unfair situations where he has much higher outgoings for his job and I basically have none. On reflection, I think the odds have been stacked against him.

OP posts:
Ivyonafence · 30/10/2022 09:18

That sucks OP.

I'm sorry that's really unfair and your feelings are valid.

Does it help to express it here?

Oblomov22 · 30/10/2022 09:18

You've known about his characteristic / part of his personality for so long, but refused to really acknowledge it and deal with it. He's not the only one who likes to stick his head in the sand is he? Now it's come back to bite you too. Look at yourself deeper aswell, during this time.

Mardyface · 30/10/2022 09:21

I would agree about keeping some money for yourself, especially if you think you have deep seated reasons for being careful with money. I stand my earlier post from an outsider's perspective but you are an insider! You should take the bits of advice on here that are useful and ignore the ones that are not - have a think before you take it all on board and act accordingly. Giving up ALL your savings might make you feel really unsafe if your background has poverty in it.

WarblingEttie · 30/10/2022 09:21

OP - your post made me cringe. You're married which in healthy relationships means pooling money. You've not paid for his course, PPE etc - it's come out if family money.

Sounds like you married a decent bloke who lacks confidence and ambition and you despise him for that. No wonder he feels humiliated.

OldWivesTale · 30/10/2022 09:21

I feel sorry for your dh, tbh. Not everyone is driven and ambitious; he's now doing the best he can to improve things; he already feels like shit and you're furious with him. As PPs said, you don't sound like a team.