DH skint and retraining. I'm footing the bill. Thoughts?

[SmokedHaddockChowder]

I'd appreciate your perspectives on this please, as I'm not able to discuss it with anyone in RL.
I've been with DH for 17 years. It's just the two of us.
For at least the last 10 years, I've earned significantly more than him.
Often people can't help what they earn, but DH has done the same job for 15 years and, despite my pleas, has never done a thing to better his situation or give his CV a boost - he's never done a short course, gained a qualification or gone for an interview. More than the salary issue, I've always warned him that's he's in a job 'cul de sac' that will come back to bite him - he's been in a basic job for a niche employer and has not learned transferable skills and not kept up to date with modern working practices. He's never in debt and lives within his means, but is often in a slightly precarious financial position - one bad MOT and his savings are wiped out and then he works hard to build them up again.
So I've always paid for most of the big stuff - holidays, house projects, furniture and so on.
Anyway, at 40 he's just lost his job and, thanks to some minor disasters for him this year, doesn't even have enough put aside to pay for one month of outgoings. His options to just 'get a new job' are looking as poor as I've always anticipated, so he's already started to retrain in something totally new.
However, I've had to pay for his course. I'm also going to have to buy some expensive PPE that he needs. He could take out a bank loan, but I'm not going to watch him get in to debt while I've got the funds in my savings. And I'm going to have to cover all of our outgoings for a while while he gets up and running in this new industry.
I've never seen him so low and am genuinely worried about his safety. He's hit absolute rock bottom. He's devastated to have lost his job and humiliated that he's having to rely on me like this. So I'm trying to be kind and supportive. But I'm FURIOUS with him for not heeding my warnings and for his TOTAL lack of forward planning. And I'm furious that, yet again, I'm picking up the tab.
He's a fantastic husband in lots of other ways and we're an excellent team, so I'm not suggesting I want to leave him, but I'd like help with managing my anger and to hear how my situation would make you feel?

*Me and my partner don't have kids, but we have joint account for all life's expenses as we are a team. My partner earns a lot more than me so contributes more to the pot but it's still a shared pot.

We both also have our own accounts / savings for stuff like Christmas and birthday gifts and to allow for some independence.*

Yes I think we both need to put 85% of what we earn into our joint account going forwards, rather than just enough to cover our outgoings.

I don’t agree with the majority. You tried to do some financial planning with him and he buried his head in the sand. As a couple with no children, there has to be equality. Yes he may never earn what you do, but he has done nothing, literally nothing to ever change that and that is his responsibility.

I would be applauding the retraining effort, sounds like a fabulous outcome all round. Really help him to see how positive it is that your combined savings can support you both while this happens. Things will get better, given your strong and loving relationship you can help him through this emotionally along with financially.

There does need to be some gentle discussion further down the line about your shared and different values. How does it make you feel to know that you are fully responsible for things that go wrong (new washing machine etc)? Where does he see his role within this?

I agree that as a woman you need access to savings individually. I don’t think you should beat yourself up about this at all. Yes it’s different for women and men, even without children involved. And comparisons to SAHMs are irrelevant and not useful here.

Despite being reluctant to advance or learn new things, he has responded to redundancy by starting to retrain in a totally new industry? And it’s now that you resent him, when he is doing the sort of thing you always wanted him to do?

Gosh this makes no sense at all.

You are married.

You do not have individual savings or individual debt. Its is joint, regardless of whose name it is in

Allowing him to get into debt when there is family money available for building towards your joint future might well be considered financial abuse.

If you wanted to marry someone ambitious you should have married someone ambitious. Presumably he has other good qualities

I am the major breadwinner in our household. When DCs were small (they are now adult) I was sole breadwinner. DH works 24 hours per week NMW job and isnt interested in going for promotion.

It is hard for the sole breadwinner whether male or female. Everything is on you. The inherent sexism within the system can make it harder for women. IME we have to fight harder: for opportunities, pay rises, career progression than equivalent men do. There is an assumption that there is another income in the household.

Sometimes I do feel resentment. I try to stamp on that feeling and remember the good things which come from DH's job: he does bring some money in, he finishes on time, he never 'brings his job home'. My job is full on, I start early, finish late. Quite often my job will spread into our time.

DH runs our home. He does all DIY. He does near enough all the cooking and housework. He is always available if any of our DCs need a hand with something.

Financially we would be better off if he pushed himself in his job, went for promotion, looked for something better paid. But if he did we would then need to buy in more services or cram them into weekends. So would we actually be better off.

The grass is seldom greener.

My DH of 26 years and I keep our finances separate too which works well for us but generally others don’t understand. However both of us without question would (and have) give the other anything that they might need as although our savings and bank accounts are separate they are fundamentally ours.

My partner is the big earner in my relationship and I was in a very insecure industry for most of my career, I was made redundant recently and am currently retraining in tech in my early 40s. I am one of the oldest in the class but many ppl are late 30s. I am very hopeful about the new opportunities this will open up for me. Luckily I had redundancy to put towards it and some small savings built up, but my partner has been every supportive and without his support I'm not sure I would be so confident. I got full marks on two exams recently and he gave me a present, was so sweet! My partner has given up on us going on a nice holiday etc this year as I can't afford it or take the time off with exams etc and he is being very understanding. It means so much.

Well done on your exam success @Courtjobby , it's great to hear the retraining is going well.

It’s not necessarily just ambition though, it takes confidence to push yourself, maybe he isn’t confident enough.

Was he a contractor? Were they giving him new contracts constantly, letting him go and rehiring? He may still have a claim if he speaks to a solicitor. Hopefully he wasn't freelancing.

Thank you so much! Best of luck to your partner too!

There are undoubtedly lessons you can both learn from this but it sounds like he is entering a new, exciting phase of his life and something you've wanted him to do for a long time.

I'm not sure what his reasons were for not changing jobs sooner, perhaps poor self- esteem? But this bad thing has happened to him and instead of letting it drag him down, he's now stepped up and is doing something about it. It's probably best that you focus on that and move forward together rather than being stuck in the "I told you so" phase which is going to do neither of you any good.

We've always pooled everything so it's difficult for me to understand your approach to earning and money, OP. At times I supported OH while he was a student, later it was reversed. He's earned loads more than me over our marriage (38 years) but I've contributed in other ways and also inherited, which we've shared.

None of these could have been predicted, life has taken us all over the place and even when things were very tight we have always been a team. One account, everything shared. I just don't get the 'mine' and 'yours' approach to marriage, though I know from many threads that plenty of others do.

It's helped that we've got the same values and we work out larger purchases together, also that we both believe you work to live rather than the reverse. I feel sorry for your partner, tbh. He sounds like a decent guy and it seems the thing you're most concerned about isn't his mental and emotional well-being but having to 'bail him out'.

I hope you're able to work something out and get past your anger. Resentment is deadly in a relationship.

I think you need to rephase in your mind how exciting it will be for your DH to succeed in the new industry once he has retrained, and how lucky you were prudent enough to have the funds put by so you could invest in his future, and that you're sure he can reap far more back than your investment, not just financially but in terms of interesting new role being more satisfying for him & with better opportunities for your DH's furtherment.

I agree but that also works when both parties are pulling their weight, in this case it doesn’t look like he has been so I can see why there will be that separation or reluctance to combine finances.

Even if he was freelancing, 15 years working for one client would not pass the tests needed to pay him as a freelancer - if it was the same place throughout. You really should seek legal advice.

Poor guy, to loose your job, get no money, and to have your wife resent you and give it I told you so and be furious with you.

im the major earner, I can’t imagine treating my husband like this.

Funny here how people are assuming the woman must work harder as she's the higher earner. I am the higher earner but I don't work harder or longer hours than my partner, if anything it's the opposite.

I don't think you are beibg unreasonable. As one half of the partnership or team it was also up to him to keep an eye on your joint future financial security. So he has been irresponsible and it's now affecting your life together. I'm in the same position and I think I'm finally getting through to him how much he is relying on me by pointing out what a dramatic drop in lifestyle he would have to take if I karked it! I think that focussed his mind as he realised he would then have to take immediate steps to secure his income if I died so why not if I'm alive? Saying that i wouldnt raise that now. Right now your man needs support and understanding.

Tbh you are support to be a partnership and support each other.
It so happens that you are the highest earner when most of the time, it’s the man who is in that position.

My mind is always boggling when I hear about mine and his money in a marriage, regardless of who is earning the most. If it was the woman earning less, everyone would agree it’s normal that her DH pays more, that he is paying some of the car repairs etc… but somehow the other way around and … nope it’s nit acceptable anymore.

This guy is hard working. He isn’t lazy ing around doing fuck all. He is retraining. Just support him.

Funny here how people are assuming the woman must work harder as she's the higher earner. I am the higher earner but I don't work harder or longer hours than my partner, if anything it's the opposite.
I work harder, yes. I have a demanding corporate job.

He's different to you but maybe instead of looking at the negatives in this, you should see the positives?

Would two career driven people work? Has his plodding allowed you to take opportunities while he keeps the household ticking over. Do you different personalities work well together?

You resentment will be felt. He sounds like he's in a tricky position mentally so try and fake breezy the best you can.

Yes he could have listened earlier but it's not as simple as that and it's no use now. What's done is done.

I'd stick a bit of your savings into the joint account with a 'don't worry, see we'll manage ' type message and be positive about his training.

What you need to do is ensure he gets through it. That's the best option for both of you long term.

Vent on here so you have another outlet but paint on the smile

After 17 years you need to accept him as he is, however frustrating that is. You gave him sensible advice which he didn't take, because he is what he is. There is no point being bitter now, it's in the past.

Be happy and proud that you are the family breadwinner and able to fund this period while he retrains.
Go for a run or something to vent your frustration and resentment.

You sound very judgemental of him and his situation, you’ve been telling him for years that his career would fail and now it has you are proven correct. Well done? I can’t imagine what this attitude has done to his self confidence and morale over the years.
No doubt you have hang ups about money and work from your upbringing, but you are in a different situation now, you need to learn to reframe how you see money and relationships.
It’s not his money paying for his car’s MOT, it’s you as a couple paying for the necessary expense of a car. It’s not you paying to take him on holiday, it’s you as a couple taking a holiday. It’s not you paying for him to retrain, it’s you as a couple doing what’s needed to get him back into work.
In any couple there will always be one earning more, don’t use that status negatively and hold the other to ransom. Share your money and do it graciously.

I just think of the amount of women I know who have turned round to their partner and said they want to be a stay at home mum when they have children. Like it's a given that they will be relying on their partner's income and can't see anything wrong with that - it's just accepted.
Your DH is a good man who has worked hard for 15 years and is now retraining and working hard to get a new job - I just don't see the issue, I really don't. You say you are a team - this is what teams do, they support when they need to. It's absolutely fine that you earn more than him, it's probably pretty rare for 2 people in a relationship earns exactly the same.