DH skint and retraining. I'm footing the bill. Thoughts?

[SmokedHaddockChowder]

I'd appreciate your perspectives on this please, as I'm not able to discuss it with anyone in RL.
I've been with DH for 17 years. It's just the two of us.
For at least the last 10 years, I've earned significantly more than him.
Often people can't help what they earn, but DH has done the same job for 15 years and, despite my pleas, has never done a thing to better his situation or give his CV a boost - he's never done a short course, gained a qualification or gone for an interview. More than the salary issue, I've always warned him that's he's in a job 'cul de sac' that will come back to bite him - he's been in a basic job for a niche employer and has not learned transferable skills and not kept up to date with modern working practices. He's never in debt and lives within his means, but is often in a slightly precarious financial position - one bad MOT and his savings are wiped out and then he works hard to build them up again.
So I've always paid for most of the big stuff - holidays, house projects, furniture and so on.
Anyway, at 40 he's just lost his job and, thanks to some minor disasters for him this year, doesn't even have enough put aside to pay for one month of outgoings. His options to just 'get a new job' are looking as poor as I've always anticipated, so he's already started to retrain in something totally new.
However, I've had to pay for his course. I'm also going to have to buy some expensive PPE that he needs. He could take out a bank loan, but I'm not going to watch him get in to debt while I've got the funds in my savings. And I'm going to have to cover all of our outgoings for a while while he gets up and running in this new industry.
I've never seen him so low and am genuinely worried about his safety. He's hit absolute rock bottom. He's devastated to have lost his job and humiliated that he's having to rely on me like this. So I'm trying to be kind and supportive. But I'm FURIOUS with him for not heeding my warnings and for his TOTAL lack of forward planning. And I'm furious that, yet again, I'm picking up the tab.
He's a fantastic husband in lots of other ways and we're an excellent team, so I'm not suggesting I want to leave him, but I'd like help with managing my anger and to hear how my situation would make you feel?

The thing is, life can change in a heartbeat. Unless independently rich, anyone could lose their high earning job at any time. The question is whether your husband would support you (emotionally and financially) if the situation was reversed. And also, how much he contributes to your shared life together (house stuff, mental labour).
Sounds to me like he is a hard worker who just got a bit stuck. He now has a way out of that and you should judge by how things go in future. I wouldn't combine all my money tbh. I think women need to protect themselves a bit.

Thanks so much for all of your comments, it'd been enormously helpful.
I've just put a chunk if savings into our joint account so that DH can help himself without asking, and we'll fully share our finances from this point on.

Just because most people pool their money, doesn't mean that those who don't are somehow doing it wrong.
We don't have joint accounts, even though it's my partner who earns more, I just never wanted that. We have our own pots of money, and a shared credit card for house/kids stuff that he pays off. We're absolutely still a team!
If it's always worked for you, there's no need to suddenly stick everything in joint accounts, and I would never advise anyone to share their whole savings. You can set up a joint savings account that you pay into while still keeping your own savings you've accrued. There's nothing inherently wrong with this!

It's complicated to explain, but due to how his employment was structured, he got nothing

Really? That sounds odd.

It's very good that you have shifted your perspective on this. Remember for the future - money comes and goes, as does health and circumstance - it might be him supporting you at another point in time.

Really? That sounds odd.

When the OP says “it’s complicated” she means she’s not willing to post details that might make her husband identifiable.

Which seems reasonable.

I agree with this. Many people are happy pottering along in a job. It may not suit you or me, but it suits him. And it's absolutely fine. Perhaps you are the lucky one for which nothing could ever go wrong because you've planned for all eventualities. But honestly, it rather sounds like this isn't a marriage or a partnership, because people who care about each other accept each other for who they are, and don't hold resentments over what their partner is. I mean, you have been with him for 17 years so he hasn't exactly snuck up and changed overnight, has he?

People are being so harsh to the OP.

Of course it's frustrating when your partner potters along while you work hard and pay the bills. She subsidised his pottering low stress career by working hard and earning in a harder field.

She warned him to keep his skills current and he ignored her. Now she pays for him to play catch up.

I'd be annoyed too. Especially if I came from a financially insecure background.

Be kind to yourself OP. It sounds like you're being really supportive in a tough time. There is no shame in wanting to vent or feeling disappointed.

I think you’re right to keep a nest egg for your self. Everyone should have an ‘escape’ fund.

Completely agree. Let's hope this is the start of a decent opportunity for him, that this is the push he needs.

So either cash in hand, or agency/zero hours contract for 15 years?

I think even agency workers get some kind of legal protection after a certain amount of time?

Are you not in the UK OP? Has he been paying NI, pension contributions all this time? I’d be concerned that his employer doesn’t actually sound legal tbh!

I earn well. Husband earns ok, and likes his job, but it sounds a bit like your DHs.
Money wise a lot of stuff comes out of ‘my’ side because of course it does, and we have a lovely time as a result.

However! Recently mine has had a step up and is now in a job that makes him much busier (and he’s paid more). The money is… nice? And I’m happy because he’s happy. But holy HELL do I miss him having plenty of time to do house stuff, fit doing things together around my schedule, take care of random admin etc. So be careful what you wish for - two busy career people makes running a house and life much harder (and now I have to do more, sob)

Higher earning women must work harder

higher earning men don’t as their harder working partner enables them

*So either cash in hand, or agency/zero hours contract for 15 years?

I think even agency workers get some kind of legal protection after a certain amount of time?

Are you not in the UK OP? Has he been paying NI, pension contributions all this time? I’d be concerned that his employer doesn’t actually sound legal tbh!*

No neither of these. I'm not sharing information that will identify DH, but we are 100% confident that he doesn't qualify for redundancy pay.

You're not an excellent team. It's very 'my money, my savings". Why don't you actually be a team and support and encourage your DH.

Just reposting this as you haven’t responded to it and nobody else seems to be pointing this out! He’s doing what you wanted and NOW you are resentful? What?!

You want to let this go and you can.

1. DH is fixing this problem himself by retraining.
2. The future is better looking. No need for another round of I told you so that you both loathe.
3. There are advantages to having a low paid partner. Ask men what they are. You don’t have the stress of dealing with him moaning about work and missing evenings, etc.. He pulls his weight in the house.
4. You don’t get everything from a partner - everyone has their weak spot. His is money. Look after it for both of you.

No neither of these. I'm not sharing information that will identify DH, but we are 100% confident that he doesn't qualify for redundancy pay?

Hmm...