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Original poster

DH’s promotion v my happiness

105 replies

Eek3under3 · 27/10/2022 12:03

Help.

DH has unexpectedly been offered a promotion as part of a company restructure. Hasn’t applied for/ interviewed (yes lucky thing..). New job would mean moving 3 hours away back to his home town. We have 3 children under 3 so could get a bigger house there.

but…

I love where we live. I have lots of friends and a reasonably well paid job that I would have to leave. No job options in my sector in new location and my earning potential is significantly lower there. I would have no job, friends or family support there. It essentially boils down to who is more important.

Do I go with it or put my foot down? He has really supported us/ me through some very difficult times so I want to be supportive, but the thought of giving up my whole life makes me feel so sad.

Has anyone done something similar and it worked out ok (or regretted it)?

OP posts:

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 27/10/2022 12:05

Why is it all or nothing, why not move mid way an hour and a half and both commute?

DisforDarkChocolate · 27/10/2022 12:06

It would be a cold day in hell before I put myself in that situation.

DisforDarkChocolate · 27/10/2022 12:07

Has he asked why in the new world of work he needs to move 3 hours?

girlmom21 · 27/10/2022 12:09

What's the difference in earning potential for him there?

Does he have friends or family he could stay with in the week and come home at weekends?

Would that be feasible with you if it meant you were solely responsible for the children?

PenguinLove1 · 27/10/2022 12:10

I think it depends how much more money the promotion brings in - if it is only Going to cover for the drop in your earnings then there is no point uprooting your life for no net financial gain for the family.

On the other hand if it was a significant increase that would result in a huge increase of quality of life eg much larger home, you being able to choose how many hours you want to work, kids having more money for future etc than I would consider it.

thecatsthecats · 27/10/2022 12:24

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 27/10/2022 12:05

Why is it all or nothing, why not move mid way an hour and a half and both commute?

Because that's the worst of all possible worlds?

I've refused this with my DH myself. We'd both be worn out by travelling and neither of us would be where we wanted to be, and both families would need to travel.

Circumferences · 27/10/2022 12:27

Can't he negotiate a promotion at the current work location instead, if he says moving so far is off the cards?

Also, surely if the new location is his home town, wouldn't his family be there? Wouldn't you know his people there?

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2022 12:30

How much money are we talking about? Do you need this money or are you managing well already?

abyssofwoah · 27/10/2022 12:38

I wouldn’t be willing to sacrifice my career to further his. If you’re getting by ok where you are it sounds like you should stay. He doesn’t need to take the promotion just because it’s offered.

Petronus · 27/10/2022 12:42

God no, you have a job and a life, it’s way too much to throw away. If he’s supportive he will get that.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 27/10/2022 12:42

Can he live away during the week?

MsFrog · 27/10/2022 12:42

I wouldn't. Sounds like you'd be giving up everything for something he didn't even actively seek out in the first place.

JenniferBarkley · 27/10/2022 12:43

There is no way I would be happy with that, and DH wouldn't ask it of me.

Could he work remotely and stay with his parents for visits?

Suemademedoit · 27/10/2022 12:46

Yes it all depends on how much better off the entire family will be. Financially and for the D.C. soon, educationally.

You need to think long term with that many children that close in age. Look at where you want to be in the next 5-10years, as a family.

My DH struggled to accept the constraints children brought to his career choices. Your DH isn’t a free man any more. He has a partner and children to take into account.

EL8888 · 27/10/2022 12:58

This would be a no from me. My then husband got offered a job 2 hours away, l think it was a tiny pay rise. I was at a crucial point in a healthcare course so l refused to leave. Then husband was put out, within the year he was back at his original location. So very glad l didn’t go along with it. He commuted and spent a night or so a week at the other location with his employer paying for that

cassiatwenty · 27/10/2022 13:23

"I love where we live. I have lots of friends and a reasonably well paid job that I would have to leave. No job options in my sector in new location and my earning potential is significantly lower there. I would have no job, friends or family support there. It essentially boils down to who is more important."

OP, forgive me if it's a bit too much, but it doesn't seem to who is more important by your sacrificing your whole life.

As others suggested, surely a compromise might happen?

I did something similar, and I have regretted it. I felt like I was a much better person with my own life, friends, and hobbies than have had everything centered around my (now EX) OH who was occupied with work 90% of the time anyway.

Again, surely there's something that's fair for both that's workable?

Chewbecca · 27/10/2022 13:26

Does he really have to be physically on site 5 days pw? If not, I would suggest he stays there, say once weekly
It's a helluva lot to give up & will be tough if you do it, but with a big effort you likely would settle in a couple of years if you threw yourself into it.

MadeForThis · 27/10/2022 13:28

It all depends on the money?

Could he negotiate to work from home 3 days and travel/ stay over 2 days in his home town. Could he stay a night or two with his parents?

Original poster

Eek3under3 · 27/10/2022 13:28

thanks for the responses. I feel so alone in this so talking about it helps.

To answer qs…
Moving 1.5 hours wouldn’t make sense. I work in central London, we currently live on a direct train line to my office. His potential new job is in an area where the trains go in to W London, so my commute would be ridiculous. Also, we would have no friends/ family in the middle.

Money. His new salary would nowhere near cover my lost earnings. I currently work 0.8 pattern and earn almost the same (5k less) as him. With his new salary we would also lose our tax free childcare entitlement which starts next Sept. Having said that, we could manage on his new salary as location is much cheaper.

He can’t work remotely. Part of the role is managing a big team that need some love. Maybe he could negotiate 3 days in the office but with a high pressure job too, I don’t really want all of the child-related stuff to fall to me 3 days a week.

Writing it out, it seems ridiculous to even consider it, but he’s so excited about the promotion, more responsibility etc. and the prospect of being close to his friends.

OP posts:

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 27/10/2022 13:29

Are there really no job options for you in the new location? If that's true then I don't think it's fair for you to sacrifice your career for DH's. But have you looked into this? How about within commutable distance to the new place?

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 27/10/2022 13:30

Sorry cross post. In that case I would carry on looking into compromises, eg him living away (with family?) for 2/3 nights a week if he can negotiate that. At least he'll know you've tried hard to accommodate this!

DisforDarkChocolate · 27/10/2022 13:36

Your update hasn't changed my mind. His promotion has nothing to offer at all, stepping off your hard earned career path so he can see more of his friends and give his team some love. He gets all the positives and you get all the negatives.

girlmom21 · 27/10/2022 13:38

There's your answer. You'd be worse off financially. It doesn't make sense.

Would it be 3 hours for him door to door if he was to commute? I'm just thinking that wouldn't be any more beneficial to you if he's out 6am-8pm even if he just worked standard office hours.

MimiSunshine · 27/10/2022 13:39

No I wouldn’t move and it’s a shame that he’ll have to miss out but you giving up your career, not to mention your friends and home you love is a huge ask.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/10/2022 13:40

Doesn't sound like the promotion will end up being any benefit to any of you. I'd not go.

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