DH’s promotion v my happiness

[Eek3under3]

Help.

DH has unexpectedly been offered a promotion as part of a company restructure. Hasn’t applied for/ interviewed (yes lucky thing..). New job would mean moving 3 hours away back to his home town. We have 3 children under 3 so could get a bigger house there.

but…

I love where we live. I have lots of friends and a reasonably well paid job that I would have to leave. No job options in my sector in new location and my earning potential is significantly lower there. I would have no job, friends or family support there. It essentially boils down to who is more important.

Do I go with it or put my foot down? He has really supported us/ me through some very difficult times so I want to be supportive, but the thought of giving up my whole life makes me feel so sad.

Has anyone done something similar and it worked out ok (or regretted it)?

I feel uneasy about your update re fairly recent suicidality not being in your OP. I feel some of the 'give it a go' responses might be a bit more cautious if they had seen that. Yes it could be amazing, and I love the Bristol area and have found it friendly. But it's definitely NOT 'purely an economic issue' for you.

They have 3 children under the age of 3 and she works full time

How would that work?

She juggles work, kids, housework, while he swans in on a Friday and leaves again Sunday night.

No chance

@napody You're right, I hadn't seen the mention of suicide when I posted about it being an economic issue. I'm so sorry you went through that, OP, and hope you're fully recovered from it.

It seems as though your husband hasn't thought about things from your POV at all - it does seem as though your life would be better if you stayed put in that town.

I think it is worth exploring with both of your jobs what the options are and then decide if you actually want to do it.
Office Tues-Thurs, staying with parents/Air BnB
Office some weeks, home some weeks
Two days in the office, staying just 1 night

It might be there isn't a possible combination that works but companies need to appreciate that where people both have careers they either need to offer serious money or 2 jobs for relocation to be worth it.

@ICanHideButICantRun and @napody thank you. I don’t want to drip feed but didn’t mention before as the specific reasons behind my MH issues are very outing. Thankfully I’ve had lots of therapy and life changes mean I’m in a much better place. You’re totally right that this isn’t a purely financial decision. In fact, the loneliness factor and support network is a much more important consideration.

Don’t give up your job, but think longer term - the team might need some love NOW and require lots of presence but if he does his job right is there an option to work more flexibly in the future? If that’s an option can you eg move halfway for 18-24 months and then reassess? Think creatively.

This obviously does not work for your family in any way. Not financially or emotionally, the only person who would benefit from this is your DH. Does he understand that and realise it would be an utterly self centred thing to do?

An alternative would be the OP living away a couple of nights a week. So it's her DH who juggles work, kids, housework...

OP, you say you could potentially wfh for 3 days a week, so could you commute once a week and stay overnight in a hotel? Your DH would have to juggle all the work and kid stuff while you're away, but it doesn't seem unreasonable for him to do this if you're willing to relocate for his career ambitions. There are lots of women with difficult and stressful jobs who still have to juggle family life, so it doesn't seem an unreasonable ask.

I'd ask him - say that you're willing to think through the move but at the moment you're not willing to give up your job. And since the move is primarily for his benefit, he'll have to put the extra effort in and organise additional help (nanny/babysitter etc.) if needed.

You have an important voice in this, your career etc

I’d say no it doesn’t suit you as a family

I thought that would be the case (that you and others hadn't seen that).
Very glad you're in a much better place now OP.

@Goldbar I'm with you. Yes I'd consider moving under the circumstances that you stay in London a couple of nights a week in a hotel & your dh juggles childcare & home responsibilities and you can catch up with friends family work colleagues & keep your career advancing xx
Good luck!!

@Goldbar @beachcitygirl that could work, although I’d miss the babies so much! Maybe me negotiating one day one week/ two the next (and staying over) is an option. DH would happily do bath/bed/playtime on those days.

@Eek3under3 of course you would
Miss them but it would be good for all of you.

One night overnight means 2 days a week in the office. And importantly you have quality time with your friends. Do NOT underestimate that.

If you do, do this, then start as you mean to go on.

Force yourself to start with. Your mental health needs your pals & keeping your career is important for secondary-esteem & finances whilst you also support your dh.

Do NOT move without some guaranteed time in the city. It's too important.

That said the rest of it, bigger house and dh happiness & friends & family there & cheaper lifestyle sounds like it could be positive.

But don't start commuting or wfh and getting isolated. 🥺 it's too easy for that to happen xx

OP says she has lots if friends and family where she lives now. I don't know the whole set up which is why I used a question mark at the end

I've known lots if men who lived away in my last company. Difficult but worth doing in most cases.

Of course you'd miss them, but you'd get many of the advantages of the move - bigger house, less frenetic lifestyle outside London - while also gaining some advantages for yourself which might help with your MH - an evening a week to catch up with friends, downtime while commuting, one night's decent sleep a week without being interrupted by little people. And just a greater sense of self and freedom. For your DH, he'd get his promotion and the move, but the other side of that is that he'd have to take on more parenting. It would be fair to negotiate some time "off" for him on the other days or at the weekend if he's balancing everything alone for 2 days, though. And if your costs are less, you might also look into a cleaner or some extra help with childcare to make things easier for you both. From the sounds of it, your career is objectively no less 'important' than your DH's to the family finances, so any solution needs to allow you to keep it and keep furthering it.

Is there any chance that you could rent out your current house and rent locally in the new location for a year, so you can see how it's working out before you make the final leap?

That sounds like the worst of both worlds.

OP, just tell him no. Just because he’s been offered a promotion it doesn’t mean he has to accept it. His career shouldn’t come at the expense of yours. From what yive descorbed he would be extremely unreasonable to accept the job.

Also, you say he’s been extremely supportive so you want to support him. What’s he done that’s so amazing that means you owe him the loss of your job and all of your friends? Haven’t you also been extremely supportive by giving birth to 3 children in the space of 3 years? Doesn’t he owe you anything for that?

I'd look at what your options are for remote working in your role - given the financial situation and the fact that you clearly like your job, I wouldn't give up your job. If you can sort the remote working, it would make the move less of a complete and total change, too. And then maybe it would be worth considering.

But, as someone who has also struggled with this, I just wanted to say that you don't owe your partner for helping you through difficult times. You don't have to do this just because he helped you before. He chose to help, chose to support you and chose to stay - it means he's a nice person and a good partner. But you didn't make him do any of that and you don't owe him because he did. Try not to let that weigh on your decision-making.

Good luck with your decision! (Even if he doesn't take the promotion, he should still feel flattered they asked him - and maybe he will be considered for similar roles in the future, it's not necessarily this or nothing ever again.)

If you're well thought of at your own company, surely they would want to do what they could to accommodate you rather then you leaving? I would see what you could negotiate. If you are going to move, best to do it before your kids start school.

In places I’ve worked where a promotion has been given or they have hired someone a long distance away and the expectation is that they need to be in the office they have either allowed that person to expense hotels, provided a company card for the same purpose or with one company they owned housing stock and people lived there during the week, often worked Monday to Thursday in the office and Friday from home.

is something like this not an option so you don’t have to move or him not take it.

he needs to have the conversation of it’s a great opportunity but it’s to far with the business l, and ask because of the current climate and home life moving isn’t really possible but he wants the role so can they work something out ie hotel costs

Because that means no parent is getting home before 6:45 at the earliest. That’s not a good family schedule.

I agree with this.
If they really want him, they'll be falling over backwards to make it worst. Most companies realise that it's not reasonable to expect everyone to uproot, particularly with wfh being much more allowable these days.

If hotel expenses were paid then you could afford to get a nanny or some additional childcare on the days he is away.

Make it work, not make it worst , although the worst could apply to you OP.

So she's to move 90 minutes from where she loves living? That's hardly a decent compromise.

What is the future career plan after this promotion? Is it the kind of role where it is a stepping stone to the next tier? If so, would you have to move again and in what time frame? Might he need to move back to where you are now in the medium term?

I have moved multiple times for my DHs job - but it was a decision we made together. Moves were pre having kids and twice when they were very small. Once the kids started school, I told him we would not be moving counties again. He has changed jobs but in the same area.

Why can’t he commute/wfh for a year. Then make any decisions after that?

he might not like the role, might end up being able to wfh most the etc.

no need to suddenly be moving and quitting jobs yet. Give it a year.

your compromise is that you may have to parent solo 3 evenings a week whilst he’s there. His compromise is he’ll have to commute/live away 3 days a week. If there’s a time limit for you both of 12/18 months that’s not so bad.

Then after that period make life decisions when you know where you stand.