DH’s promotion v my happiness

[Eek3under3]

Help.

DH has unexpectedly been offered a promotion as part of a company restructure. Hasn’t applied for/ interviewed (yes lucky thing..). New job would mean moving 3 hours away back to his home town. We have 3 children under 3 so could get a bigger house there.

but…

I love where we live. I have lots of friends and a reasonably well paid job that I would have to leave. No job options in my sector in new location and my earning potential is significantly lower there. I would have no job, friends or family support there. It essentially boils down to who is more important.

Do I go with it or put my foot down? He has really supported us/ me through some very difficult times so I want to be supportive, but the thought of giving up my whole life makes me feel so sad.

Has anyone done something similar and it worked out ok (or regretted it)?

@Eek3under3 why does a man’s career progression trump a woman’s?

No, don’t move.
I moved twice for dh, fortunately we are now retired and very happy but my pension is not even enough to pay the energy bill. Financially I’m totally reliant on dh.
I have advised dd to never give up her career.

I'd go for it. We did something similar (near London to Bristol). I found a new (better) job locally and we made new friends very quickly. We had a ball!

3 years later we moved back after DH started working in North London. But that's another story.

@Fireballxl5 it doesn’t…at all!

Someone asked if he would do the same for me. He would in a heartbeat, if I really wanted it (he’s a heart over head person).

My job is 50% remote. I could potentially ask to do 3 days from home/ 1 in the office. I have been there a long time and now have a good team who are relatively self sufficient (based in different offices so no reason they need me in the office).

I guess I have a major guilty feeling. Without explaining (v outing), he’s saved me from the brink over the last few years. He saved us after very severe trauma (that we both experienced) left me suicidal. I am much better now but feel bad that I don’t want to support him on the one thing he wants.

The overwhelming response is a clear no. Useful to hear the few people that have faced this dilemma and made it work.

Doesn't sound like it's going to financially benefit the family, and certainly not uprooting everyone and you having to give up your job. It'd be a no from me.

My (central London) office now has many team members who have moved further away and come to the office one day a week or fortnight, it’s not a problem.
I’d give strong consideration to moving but keeping your job if I were you.

My husbands team has people working hundreds of miles away, in America they manage teams thousands of miles apart and in different time zones.

If they really want him then they, and your husband, need to think about solutions that protect your job. I team needing some 'love' doesn't automatically mean he has to see them all face to face every day.

@Chewbecca I might broach the subject with my boss. She’s quite (very) tough though and likes to stick by the rules.

I think the fact you have been so unwell recently and your local friendships and job are so important to you I think moving could risk you going back to the dark place unfortunately.

From a purely practical and rational perspective, it sounds like a no because you'd be worse off financially (and the decreased cost of living is very unlikely to be SOOO massive as to compensate for that) and you would be jobless and alone.

However, Reading your posts, it sounds like overall you have a good relationship and that he has been very very supportive and you would LIKE to support him to make this work.

In which case, I think you should start thinking about the practicalities. eg, as you've said - you might be able to increase your days from home so that you go into London once a week (perhaps occasionally for an overnight?). (and over time, you could look for jobs locally).

This means that you and him need to discuss things up front re how this works. eg, he makes it clear to his current company that to facilitate this, he absolutely can only work certain hours on the day/s you are in London or you both agree that you will pay for a nanny who works the extra hours. Whatever works. but it needs to be 100% agreed and cast in stone before the move takes place. Ditto any other considerations that have to be made to make sure that YOUR life is not massively negatively impacted - whether that's how you socialist, childcare, etc.

It sounds like you're looking at the West Country and DH has ties there so I think you could make new friends - I have a number of friends/colleagues/acquaintances who have moved to Bath/Bristol over the last five years and have settled in beautifully.

Job aside, removing your support network when you've experienced suicidality in the recent past sounds unwise. That's a really important part of staying well. (Especially as remote working long term is tough and isolating without social support outside work.)

Supporting a severely unwell loved one is just the right thing to do. It doesn't mean you're indebted and have to repay him. That's not how it works.

That sounds hellish.

The friendship and social circle aspect is huge. It sounds as if you have been through a lot and need to protect your MH.

IF you can keep your current job (100% wouldn't consider moving otherwise) have a good think about the happiness side of things. Seach MN and there are a lot of lonely people without a group of friends - I wouldn't move from mine, they're a great support and source of joy.

Tickticksnooze put it better!

I would NEVER give up my career for any man. Your career gives you independence, it gives you power over your own life and choices. I don’t see any pluses in this idea for you, it’s all sacrifice.

Your husband has to think of more than himself in this situation. He might love the idea of moving home but it not just about what he wants now. The reality is that you have a reasonably paid job, have 3 children under 3 and have good support with them in your area.
You have work opportunities where you are and have friends their as well.
Your husband would want to be getting a lot of extra money to move you back to his home area.

Your currently working, paying towards your national insurance stamps and possibly have a private pension also. You may not put much value on these at the moment but as you get older you realise how important that you have these in place. Along with that as your children get older you maybe able to job share, do extra qualifications and perhaps move to a better job. As your children get older they will get more expensive and you need savings and good incomes once they get to university age.

I would also consider that if anything unforeseen happens that having a job and a regular income in your own name can make a big difference. I know several woman who had to try and get back into the work force after years of being at home with kids. They had to do this because he lost his job, got sick either mentally or physically or died at a young age.

You need to tell your husband that he can't move back towards home unless you both look at what he is being offered in detail. You both have to see will it financially compensate you as a family if you give up your job. Ok you might have a bigger house because your moving to cheaper area housing wise but that not worth you giving up your job/income and future pension for. Also with 3 young kids having support, a good babysitter and friends near by makes a life easier and gives you some mammy free time which is important for your own physical and mental health.

If they are offering him this "great job" in X why can't he get the same job where he currently is now? He has to tell his employer that has to consider you and his kids also. Some employers just expect people to move to a new location or up the ladder but fail to realise that when people have children this may not always suit.

@tickticksnooze 👌

OP, no doubt you love him and appreciate him for his kind deeds in the past.

However, it shouldn't be sacrificing all to support a man already doing well. People do change. Relationships change. What people want change. Even kind men change into, sometimes, unkind men.

You shouldn't feel guilty or in some sort of debt because you are confused about leaving your friends and, as you put it, a happy life. He can't be your everything.

You'd be better suited to support someone when your own needs are met

If he had seen this job advertised, or if he had had to go through a recruitment process, would he have applied for it?

Definitely Bernadettes suggestion re salary negotiation. Which he should be doing for any promotion anyway.

Because it puts his family and his wife at a disadvantage and not seeing his children he also needs to negotiate further. Why can't they put him up in lodgings three days of the week. Or pay extra for xxx.

So at the moment you both earn about the same and this is a huge promotion. What will your total earnings be if he took it compared to now? (Give us a percentage if you don't want to use real figures.)

Factor in childcare costs, too.

I'd see it as purely an economic issue, tbh. You will make new friends wherever you go, but there's no point going if you're going to be worse off financially.

Is this a temporary move though? Isn't he just being asked to manage the problematic Bristol branch. surely that will resolve within time wouldn't he then be called back to the London office?

How old are your kids. If you can negotiate your own job you could rent out your place and go and live in Bristol / Bath area for awhile. it's a really lovely area of the country and the schools a good there. If the DC are primary age is certainly won't do them any harm and you could move back towards London at any time nearer to secondary or GCSE stage.

You did say that your current house is too small for you you're going to have to move anyway.

I think you should consider it, weighing up all the pros and cons together.

Your DH's new salary might not cover what you would lose, but could you get a job in the new area?
If staying in your current job is an option and working from home most of your time, how much are the travelling costs, when working in the office could you arrange to meet friends after work before travelling home to stay in touch.
If you own your house, moving out of London could mean a bigger house or a reduction in mortgage.
What are schools like in each area.

Sorry. 3 under 3, clearly. So it's a while before you even need to consider primary applications.

I’d be very wary of giving up my job to support my DH’s. I did exactly that as our two children with special needs struggled to access nursery and then school. My husband has risen up through roles and although I’m back working (term time only, very low paid so I can do all the childcare) he out earns me many times over.

If you’ve had mental health issues in the past, don’t dismiss how valuable your support network is.

Could he live away Monday to Friday?

Why is it all or nothing, why not move mid way an hour and a half and both commute?

A well meant suggestion, but please don’t do that. Commuting 1,5hours with three children is not sustainable.

I would look at what would his promotion mean to family finances. Would you have more money as a family with you earning less? Would you want to focus on your children more?