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Original poster

DH’s promotion v my happiness

105 replies

Eek3under3 · 27/10/2022 12:03

Help.

DH has unexpectedly been offered a promotion as part of a company restructure. Hasn’t applied for/ interviewed (yes lucky thing..). New job would mean moving 3 hours away back to his home town. We have 3 children under 3 so could get a bigger house there.

but…

I love where we live. I have lots of friends and a reasonably well paid job that I would have to leave. No job options in my sector in new location and my earning potential is significantly lower there. I would have no job, friends or family support there. It essentially boils down to who is more important.

Do I go with it or put my foot down? He has really supported us/ me through some very difficult times so I want to be supportive, but the thought of giving up my whole life makes me feel so sad.

Has anyone done something similar and it worked out ok (or regretted it)?

OP posts:
GCAcademic · 27/10/2022 13:40

His new salary would nowhere near cover my lost earnings

It should barely even merit a discussion then, unless you actually want to give up work. It's a ridiculous suggestion, especially in a cost-of-living crisis.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/10/2022 13:40

Also, the fact that they've offered it to him without even going to interview suggests they've not been able to recruit anyone into it at all. I'd be sceptical.

Twizbe · 27/10/2022 13:41

As it's been offered as part of a restructure is it to prevent him being made redundant?

girlmom21 · 27/10/2022 13:41

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/10/2022 13:40

Also, the fact that they've offered it to him without even going to interview suggests they've not been able to recruit anyone into it at all. I'd be sceptical.

It's part of a restructure

Waitingfordecember · 27/10/2022 13:43

Oh god no! You’ll lose out on so much and you won’t even be better off as a family (providing the bigger house wouldn’t replace somewhere overcrowded?).

choppolata · 27/10/2022 13:43

Commuter here - the Elizabeth line has really improved the Paddington to City journey. It may not be as bad as you think.

Brigante9 · 27/10/2022 13:44

So you wouldn’t really be better off? I don’t see why you would move, therefore.

Dotcheck · 27/10/2022 13:44

No way.

It sounds like the company really want him though. Can he negotiate? Be seconded for a set time with only part of the week ‘in office’. His extra income could be used for additional help with the kids.

FridayNightWinner · 27/10/2022 13:45

Not the most ideal of scenarios but could he rent a flat near new job and do 4 days a week there, and then come home for 1 day wfh and for the weekend?

PeekAtYou · 27/10/2022 13:45

While I understand his excitement (everybody would be flattered to be considered for a pay rise), the gain is less than what would be lost. It's a terrible idea and a massive shame that it can't done on a hybrid basis.

ValerieDoonican · 27/10/2022 13:46

Just came on to suggest the same as Bernadette. But mainly, you would be uprooting your dc and sacrificing your career to further his. If you don't need to (as a family) want to, (as an individual) then you don't have to.

ValerieDoonican · 27/10/2022 13:49

I can't quite get my head around how hes assuming its obviously fine (excited, looking forward to moving etc) without considering his family 😮. Hes thinking like a single man ffs

KangarooKenny · 27/10/2022 13:49

I moved to my DH’s home town so he could be near a motorway junction for work, and near his beloved football team. At the time I wanted to move home, but could see that he did need to be near a motorway, so he got his way. Bad move now I look back. I lost touch with everyone at home, and now I have no friends.
Personally, IME, don’t go.

deeperthanallroses · 27/10/2022 13:54

It’d be a no from me. Take a pay cut and limit my career plus step up at home to compensate for him while we are overall worse off? No way would I leave london for that arrangement. If he doesn’t care about his family he can just go, but if he does he should recognise it’s not a good option.

Original poster
Eek3under3 · 27/10/2022 13:55

This is making me feel slightly more sane. My commute from new place would be into paddington and I would take the Elizabeth line into the city, so a much improved option on before (pre Eliz line being open).

He has been at the company 20 years and has worked his way up. He is a bit of a superstar and was identified/ primed for this role by a board member. He does a similar role now and is definitely best placed to do it.

Definitely 3 hours each way - he was there yesterday and went back today.

Job options for me…maybe I should look into options in Bristol/ part remote before making a final decision. Still not what I want but compromise is key in marriage I guess.

House is too small at present. We would have to move or extend in the next couple of years. So the move would be beneficial in that sense.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/10/2022 13:57

Maybe he should go back and say "actually, given the significant changes I will have to make to take the post, I'd require remuneration of XXX"

And make it a figure which makes it worthwhile.

FruitTwistandShake · 27/10/2022 14:00

When in your position 3 years ago I followed my DH as ultimately, he would have done the same for me. Best decision I made. I was able to think about what I wanted to do with my life, and I set up my own company. I get to spend more time with the kids and have made some lovely friends. The unknown is scary especially if you are not a fan of change. I wasn't and I initially found every reason under the sun not to go.

I just want to be clear that every relationship is different. I have ALWAYS been supported by my DH and he never put any pressure on us as a family to make the move. But we are so happy. I do miss my friends and family, but we see each other regularly and actually it is more quality time.

My friend who is a psychologist told me at the time that when things like this happen you have to think about long term resentment and if I was going to have those feelings towards DH at any time then it probably was going to fail before I even tried!

cushioncovers · 27/10/2022 14:00

His promotion doesn't add any value to your family overall. It would be like taking one step forward and three steps back.

minipie · 27/10/2022 14:02

GCAcademic · 27/10/2022 13:40

His new salary would nowhere near cover my lost earnings

It should barely even merit a discussion then, unless you actually want to give up work. It's a ridiculous suggestion, especially in a cost-of-living crisis.

This. Why is it even up for discussion if the family wouldn’t be (significantly) better off and it means uprooting you all and slashing your career?

Basically his head’s been turned by a flattering promotion offer and he’s desperately trying to make it work because he likes the idea of the job title. But in reality it makes no sense at all.

Daisychainsx · 27/10/2022 14:03

I moved country when my dh got a new job. Left my family, friends, home, job, pets, the whole lot.
It was TOUGH.
I'm now 7 months on and we have just got the keys to our beautiful new home and expecting a baby. It wasn't an easy transition, but I don't think it came down to him being more important than me. We discussed it at length and made a choice that we felt would be best for our future children.
I now don't need to work, which is music to my ears as I was exhausted with my job, and we have a home I could never have dreamed of in the place we used to live. I've made some good friends, although not as many as I had back 'home'.
If you think there's a chance of a better life for your kids and your family as a whole, then it could be worth the move. If you love your job and don't want to do anything else then you need to have a chat with him about how you fit into his plans.
Its all about give and take, so if you do decide to move, make sure there are elements of the move that benefit you and that you are excited about, otherwise you'll just resent it and him.

(For anyone worried, my pets are moving over to be with me next month... we just needed a house first. I haven't abandoned them 😜)

HyggeandTea · 27/10/2022 14:03

You two need to negotiate! Sounds like one of you is going to end up feeling like they've had to give up their dreams, and this needs to be addressed. It is not a matter of a simple yes or no. Life changes and seething resentment is not a great undercurrent for a marriage.

My best friend did move (over 300 miles away), and she made more friends, and tbf, the schools were much better for her girls than the local ones here...but, in return, he supported her doing a Masters and setting up her own freelance work in a business she is passionate about. Doesn't work for everyone though.

MrMrsJones · 27/10/2022 14:04

Don't give up your job to support his, you will have all the childcare, be away from friends, family and won't be happy.

If they want him that bad they can come up with something else or wait till another opportunity comes up.

MrMrsJones · 27/10/2022 14:04

In other words...

Would he do the same for you?

Chewbecca · 27/10/2022 14:04

How is the remote working in your role - could you hang on to it largely WFH with occasional visits to London (which would be fun anyway)?

tickticksnooze · 27/10/2022 14:09

Absolutely not.

Even if they upped the salary offer, it still utterly destroys your life AND leaves you financially dependent on him (now and in future with pension). More money isn't going to buy you a new support network.

I get that it's an ego boost for him but he cannot seriously expect you to jack your entire life in the dustbin for his job?

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