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Original poster

Why is my husband so bloody dense?

121 replies

Pabbs · 26/10/2022 13:52

It's my birthday in 10 days.

For weeks he's been asking me what I want for my birthday. I tell him I would like him to take some initiative, I don't want to know what he's got.

Whilst saying that I have shown him, at least once every 48 hours something online I really like and would love as a gift.
"Oh look at this onesie! Cute"

"I love these shoes, they would look so nice at Christmas"

"Look at this, a Tshirt of my favourite film"

I show him on my phone with website fully visable, he say 'oh yeah, nice'

Then that evening will ask again 'what do you want for your birthday?'

Is he just completely stupid?

I get so mad because for MONTHS before his birthday I pay attention to anything he seems interested in and will buy bits as and when I discover his interest, so I don't forget.

My Dad is the same with my mum. Mu sisters husands too.

Last night he said he will just 'put money in my card' so I can get what I like.

:(

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 26/10/2022 13:53

Cut the drama and just tell him. Or suggest he takes you out shopping and lunch for your birthday, his treat,

PearlclutchersInc · 26/10/2022 13:54

Send him an email with the links. And sizes and colours.....

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 26/10/2022 13:56

Perhaps he is playing dumb so you'll be surprised on your birthday.

Babdoc · 26/10/2022 14:00

Give him a list of your choices and tell him to pick one. That way at least you get a tiny bit of a surprise.
Does he ever listen to you, OP? Or does he just tune out anything you say to him? If he is ignoring all your suggestions, he is either stupid or he doesn’t care about you and your birthday.
My late DH didn’t need hints. He knew me well enough to always choose thoughtful, appropriate and perfect birthday presents, bless him. Sadly, he died the day before my birthday, 31 years ago - and I found my presents hidden in his car, weeks later.

Montana1612 · 26/10/2022 14:00

My husband is like this and it drives me mad!
the only time I ever get something I actually want from him I have to send him the link with the specific size and colour etc. if I just hint to things he never, ever cottons on.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 26/10/2022 14:02

I make a list on shared Notes App, together with links. Then he can just pick from it

SalviaOfficinalis · 26/10/2022 14:03

Send him a link :)

IglesiasPiggl · 26/10/2022 14:04

PearlclutchersInc · 26/10/2022 13:54

Send him an email with the links. And sizes and colours.....

I came on to say this. DH and I have been married for 15 years and I can't be bothered with emotional drama, disappointment or returns!

Lyricallie · 26/10/2022 14:05

Have you spoken to him about it? You say you've shown him links on your phone etc. But once you realised that wasn't working have you asked him why he hasn't taken any of your suggestions? My DH will jot down things in his phone I've said in passing e.g. oh I really need some nice new stationary and then when events arise he has a few options. Could you suggest to your husband be does similar?

Bestcatmum · 26/10/2022 14:08

Quite honestly I loathe surprise gifts, it means trecking round shops for hours looking for something. Especially when you work or you've been married a long time FFGs.
My ex H always used to say oh I don't know just get me something then he would never like it.
I was sick to death of guessing games. I'd rather he just told me what he wanted, he'd always say afterwards oh I wish you'd got me this or that instead. It drove me fucking nuts. I'm not psychic.
Just tell him what you want.

pinkyredrose · 26/10/2022 14:11

Babdoc · 26/10/2022 14:00

Give him a list of your choices and tell him to pick one. That way at least you get a tiny bit of a surprise.
Does he ever listen to you, OP? Or does he just tune out anything you say to him? If he is ignoring all your suggestions, he is either stupid or he doesn’t care about you and your birthday.
My late DH didn’t need hints. He knew me well enough to always choose thoughtful, appropriate and perfect birthday presents, bless him. Sadly, he died the day before my birthday, 31 years ago - and I found my presents hidden in his car, weeks later.

💐

latetothefisting · 26/10/2022 14:12

I agree, tell him what you are doing!
"What do you want for your birthday" "any of the things I've mentioned over the last few weeks would be a nice surprise"

Or just "when I show you things I like I'm not just making conversations I'm suggesting those are things you might want to get me for my birthday!"

Basically spell it out for it him.

Plus it can be confusing - some people say "ooh I love those trousers" (and if i was taller id wear them but they wouldnt fit me) or "ooh I love that lamp (but it wouldn't go at all in out living room) or "wow that necklace is amazing (but it's never worth that amount)"!

MrSand · 26/10/2022 14:14

This seems like a weird test you're setting him. Why not just send him an email with a list of things you'd like?

Topseyt123 · 26/10/2022 14:17

Just tell him fgs! I don't get what the issue is with that. Send him the links and say that this is what you would like.

He may pick up on your hints, or he may not. I might well pick up on them, but I could understand if someone thought you were just making conversation, or joking etc.

However, he is at least trying to find out what to get, even if he is irritating you with it. Just tell him.

NiqueNique · 26/10/2022 14:17

All those things you showed him...add the links (and some more things) to a wish list and tell him specifically to buy you a few things off that list. Then you get your surprise gifts and he doesn’t have to stress. Some people (not just men, women too!) find gift buying very difficult.

Original poster
Pabbs · 26/10/2022 14:20

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 26/10/2022 13:56

Perhaps he is playing dumb so you'll be surprised on your birthday.

It's been 20 years of this. I doubt it.

Every year we have an argument about it.

And people saying just send him links to what I want are COMPLETELY MISSING THE POINT.

I don't want them items in particular, I want him to stop, have a think about what I've said to him in our daily conversations, have a think about me and my interests and get me something off his own back.

I have a dozen interests you could Google now, click shop and have 100 things to buy.

I've said about 6 times I would like a onesie. I love anything with a certain character on. I love certain films. I am mad on a certain colour. All very east things to turn into presents.

It's not the present.

If I woke up and he had got me something, anything related to something I like I would be over the moon.

I don't want fancy.

I don't wnat expensive.

I want to be listened to. And worthy of the minimum effort.

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 26/10/2022 14:23

MrSand · 26/10/2022 14:14

This seems like a weird test you're setting him. Why not just send him an email with a list of things you'd like?

Because she would like a nice surprise on her birthday and for her DH to actually put some effort into that.
I don't think its weird at all.

But yes OP. he is either really dense, or he has actually picked up on some stuff and has actually bought you a surprise, but pretending he hasn't.

Next time he asks, I'd definitely say, ' any of the things i've shown you recently that I said was nice'. And perhaps he'll twig and start to pay more attention. Then just randomly show him those same things again.

When I first got with my DP, for the 1st couple of years I got lovely thoughtful presents. It sort of petered off a bit after that, despite me always putting lots of thought and effort into his each year.
Last year I got a plastic plant.
This year I have started doing the same as you and 'mentioning' some things I'd really like to have. No idea if its actually going in here either. I'm fully expecting him to ask a week before my bday what I'd like. By which time it will probably be too late to order any of the things i've been mentioning anyway.

redjoker · 26/10/2022 14:24

Im ten years in, I tried this for 9, and I know its absolutely beside the point I now send links and just tell him

not for him, for me because he wont change and quite frankly im fed up of feeling annoyed about it

I get it though, some people honestly just do not pick up on this stuff and its infuriating

send the link, and be happy

Thisis40x · 26/10/2022 14:26

seriously? Mate.... come on. Just tell him what you want.

If you tell him what you want and he gets you it - that is the very definition of being listened to.

Original poster
Pabbs · 26/10/2022 14:29

Thisis40x · 26/10/2022 14:26

seriously? Mate.... come on. Just tell him what you want.

If you tell him what you want and he gets you it - that is the very definition of being listened to.

What I want is for him to care enough about me to buy me something himself.

Like I do for him. His kids. All my family. I do it for everyone else but I can't have a little piece of that care back?

OP posts:
TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 26/10/2022 14:29

Pabbs · 26/10/2022 14:20

It's been 20 years of this. I doubt it.

Every year we have an argument about it.

And people saying just send him links to what I want are COMPLETELY MISSING THE POINT.

I don't want them items in particular, I want him to stop, have a think about what I've said to him in our daily conversations, have a think about me and my interests and get me something off his own back.

I have a dozen interests you could Google now, click shop and have 100 things to buy.

I've said about 6 times I would like a onesie. I love anything with a certain character on. I love certain films. I am mad on a certain colour. All very east things to turn into presents.

It's not the present.

If I woke up and he had got me something, anything related to something I like I would be over the moon.

I don't want fancy.

I don't wnat expensive.

I want to be listened to. And worthy of the minimum effort.

Show quote history

I get it, you want him to be thoughtful, I think if this has been how it is for 20 years, it seems unlikely he'll change now. Maybe simplify it, tell him you want him to put some thought in to it, that you feel he doesn't listen to you, and it's hurtful. Tell him you don't feel important to him and its not about your birthday necessarily, it's about him not valuing you and his lack of interest in what makes you happy Flowers

Thisis40x · 26/10/2022 14:31

Pabbs · 26/10/2022 14:29

What I want is for him to care enough about me to buy me something himself.

Like I do for him. His kids. All my family. I do it for everyone else but I can't have a little piece of that care back?

Show quote history

Well - I'd challenge you something. Maybe he hates the gift you buy him and every year thinks - I wish she'd just ask me......? And he's trying to lead by example.

stuntbubbles · 26/10/2022 14:32

Pabbs · 26/10/2022 14:29

What I want is for him to care enough about me to buy me something himself.

Like I do for him. His kids. All my family. I do it for everyone else but I can't have a little piece of that care back?

Show quote history

Tell him that, then. Don’t send him the links or drop hints: say, next time he asks, quite clearly: “But you know the things I like, and I regularly show you items I fancy getting. What I want for my birthday is for you to pay attention to my likes and surprise me, instead of asking me for a specific link to a specific item as if you’re going to the shops as a favour to me to get a replacement lightbulb or something.”

Personally I do tell DP exactly what I want because I can’t bear clutter and we have too much stuff, so I only want things we need, eg for Christmas he’s getting me a laundry egg to cut down on bottles of product, and I told him I’d seen it on sale as well so he could get it cheaper. But I don’t think you want a specific gift, right? Just the gift of someone listening.

toomuchlaundry · 26/10/2022 14:33

Someone's thoughtful gift can be a waste of time and space for the recipient if it wasn't something they wanted or like.

How many of us have got something lurking at the back of a cupboard that was someone's thoughtful gift to us!

Smineusername · 26/10/2022 14:35

He's a lazy bastard dick. Mine is the same