Why is my husband so bloody dense?

[Pabbs]

It's my birthday in 10 days.

For weeks he's been asking me what I want for my birthday. I tell him I would like him to take some initiative, I don't want to know what he's got.

Whilst saying that I have shown him, at least once every 48 hours something online I really like and would love as a gift.
"Oh look at this onesie! Cute"

"I love these shoes, they would look so nice at Christmas"

"Look at this, a Tshirt of my favourite film"

I show him on my phone with website fully visable, he say 'oh yeah, nice'

Then that evening will ask again 'what do you want for your birthday?'

Is he just completely stupid?

I get so mad because for MONTHS before his birthday I pay attention to anything he seems interested in and will buy bits as and when I discover his interest, so I don't forget.

My Dad is the same with my mum. Mu sisters husands too.

Last night he said he will just 'put money in my card' so I can get what I like.

:(

100% not.

He collects items and I always get him the latest items in the collections and he loves them. He's absolutely shit at feigning excitement, and he's always super happy with his gifts. Very specific geeky gifts he displays and shows off on his Instagram etc

Sounds corny but I really would cherish anything I could see he genuinely put effort into.

Stop giving hints, then, because that’s counter-productive as it just sets you up for disappointment every single time!

I understand why you’re so upset; unless your arguments are completely passive aggressive and you’ve never actually told him all of that (or he’s really, really thick).

Otherwise he’s just incredibly selfish/lazy/uncaring and takes you utterly for granted. In which case it’s been 20 years and he’s not going to change.

He’s not going to become a different person - this is who he is. He does not care and you’re better off accepting that so you can stop hoping. It will be a lot less painful.

I just don’t think men catch on to these things in the same way women do. If it was near Christmas or my birthday and I saw something I liked in a shop, I would say to my late husband “that’s lovely, shall I wait outside the shop for a few minutes”?
He was such a wonderful man in every way (and I miss him dreadfully), but present shopping really wasn’t his forte.

As a counterpoint...if he’s a collector of specific things then actually there isn’t necessarily much thought put into his gifts on your part - you simply select the most recent piece in that collection and you know he will like it/love it. That takes all the stress out of the exercise. People like that are easy to buy for.

I’m not saying that to be disparaging at all, I hasten to add, but I’m trying to illustrate that actually, unless he is a selfish, lazy, uncaring bastard it may well be that he finds trying to select a great (in his mind) present very difficult and/or overwhelming and that is why he asks you to tell him what you want. Only you will know whether or not he’s a good man who cares about you and shows his love in other ways, or whether this is just another element of a very selfish person.

Bit you’re certainly not in the wrong for feeling sad/angry/disappointed.

It depends what your relationship is like. People have different ways of expressing love. You think " listening to me and buying me something that is related to my interests is an easy way of proving you value and care for me."

But some people don't think like that. They don't link gift giving with love at all, they are two completely separate things.

But they might see acts of service as showing their love. E.g. x hates putting the bins out so by doing an unpleasant job without complaining every time I am showing them how much I love them." Whereas x just thinks "putting the bins out, how is that related to love?"

Someone else might express their love by writing romantic sonnets whereas others might cringe or just be completely incapable of putting their feelings into words like that.

Other people might link money with love so spending a fortune on a present is better than buying something cheap but personal. Or vice versa.

Other people think time spent together is better than presents. Why is your way of expressing love automatically the right way??

If your relationship is otherwise good and your dp otherwise shows he cares for and values you in other ways maybe you just have to accept he will never be good at this particular thing and let it go.

Or alternatively you could try not getting him anything you think he wants for his birthday/Christmas and just ask him what he wants and get that or something very generic...if he's disappointed it might get the message through. But be prepared that he might just not be that bothered in which case you have to accept that you can't make people value the same things you do.

It's hard to explain. It's not one item.

It's several genres.

So say Star wars, walking dead, old horror films.

So I find items for his collection that fit in his collection. Sometimes new releases. Sometimes old vintage pieces. I've had artwork drawn up around his interests. I had pieces sent off and signed by actors. I've found original pieces of costumes.
I've had custom figurines made. I've had pieces shipped in from Japan, exclusives.

It's not like he collects winnie the pooh figurines from H Samuel and I just buy the newest Tigger that's out.

I don't think everyone is good at presents off their own back. DH is pretty good, but I still tell him directly what I would like to make it easier for him.

I hear you OP. It's not about the money spent it's about someone knowing you and caring enough to find something you'll like. My DH is pretty good at this my DSis is legendary.

I understand. But my point still stands - it’s clearly easy for you; it comes naturally to you. You know how to think in those terms and you know exactly what he’ll like because he has very fixed interests.

It may not be easy for him at all. He may not know how to think that way and do it and it may well just not occur to him to think up thoughtful gifts that correspond to your interests. He won’t necessarily be able to internalise the fact that the action is his present and the present is almost by the by!

You cannot make him be different than he is and trying to is pointless - that way only sadness lies. But you might be able to let him off the hook, which will be a lot better for you in the long run, if it’s simply that he’s never going to be capable of approaching gift buying the way you do. Then you can set about setting up another way for him to show his love and care that can still be meaningful and fulfil that need you have.

^So I find items for his collection that fit in his collection. Sometimes new releases. Sometimes old vintage pieces. I've had artwork drawn up around his interests. I had pieces sent off and signed by actors. I've found original pieces of costumes.
I've had custom figurines made. I've had pieces shipped in from Japan, exclusives^

Sounds like you are trying a bit too hard for some reason. Perhaps you take great pleasure in choosing presents for people and he just finds it stressful and overwhelming. Then you set such great stall by it he finds it an even greater task for find something you aren't going to pick holes in. Have you ever actually asked him what he wants, or just made an assumption from his interests? Perhaps he'd rather you kept it simple with his presents and don't try and find rare figurines from Japan, perhaps he'd rather do that himself as a collector. Perhaps he'd rather have a bottle of malt whisky and a Toblerone but finds you too controlling and OTT about presents to say anything.

Perhaps after 20 years it's time to accept that this isn't a strength of his, and look for that symbol of caring in different places in your relationship. Caring and attention doesn't have to be tit for tat - you show you care via your thoughtful and appropriate gifts, he shows he cares via, say, cooking your favourite foods, bringing you breakfast in bed on a Sunday morning, or whatever else.

It’s not really my thing but look up “love languages”.

One of the ways you express your love is by spending time and effort on thoughtful gifts.

That might not be the way he expresses his love. Hopefully you’ll see he fits into one of the other love languages and feel better about the lack of effort.

I don’t think he’s going to change, so you have to find a way of it not bothering you.

If I were you I’d stop getting him thoughtful gifts, but I’m just petty!

Just do to him what he’s doing to you on his birthday/Christmas. It feels so shit when you go to an effort and all they say is “I’ll put money in your account” like you’re worth nothing. Maybe if you do the same he’ll realise how shit it feels to have no effort made for your birthday

I’d also tell him straight out that no, you don’t want any money. He either buys you at least one present or you’ll have nothing, thank you. But there will be no celebration. No dinner out/cake/whatever else it is you usually do together to mark a birthday. Then he actively has to choose to not give you a gift and nothing else will happen either. This might help him to understand that he can’t take the easy way out and that your feelings will be very hurt as your day will effectively be cancelled.

I get you OP.
One year I genuinely cried because the only gifts I got were 'generic woman' gifts aka things that showed people didn't know me or think about me at all, just ticking a box. Aka booze I don't drink, things for runners (only run if chased..), toiletries im allergic to (and his person would know that). I felt very ungrateful but also very sad, because like you - I am actually very easy to buy for.
It's not the gifts, it's the lack of thought.

And yes, to add to that, there would be nothing happening for his next birthday. No gift, no cake, no thoughtful surprises around his day and celebrating it. That’s only fair! But I’m also petty.

More likely, he won't care. If gift giving is not his love language then he's unlikely to be bothered when he doesn't receive thoughtful gifts. I'm sure he likes the ones he's got, but I doubt he'd be bothered to not get another one.

OP, I think you need to be very direct with him that receiving gifts is how you feel loved and what his lack of effort in this area makes you feel like. Tell him what you've said here, that you always give plenty of hints and you expect him to show some initiative. Make it obvious to him that this upsets you, and then see whether he improves.

Yes but at least OP won’t be bending over backwards thinking up lovely gifts at great effort and expense whilst getting nothing back. That situation will contribute to OP’s sadness.

@Babdoc
What a gem of a man.
He sounds wonderful.
Sorry for your loss.🌻🌸🌼

@Babdoc that must’ve been so bittersweet.

Lest anyone think I’m making excuses on this thread for shitty, selfish, uninterested men who can’t be bothered to show love and care, I must stress that I absolutely am not. Men don’t get an automatic free pass to be crap about the things that their wives/girlfriends care about. However this isn’t necessarily a sex issue. Many women find present buying extremely difficult too. If the person is good, kind and caring but just doesn’t have the thoughtful present instinct, then I think solutions can be found so that the other party doesn’t feel unloved.

He cared enough to ask you several times what you wanted. Didn't just go with the "card and chocolates".
Stop making his picking the right gift a test of his love and start an Amazon Wish List. Show him how to access your list and you will get something you want. Tel him to check back for Christmas and Valentine cause you will update it.
Then cool your jets lady!

Like I do for him. His kids. All my family. I do it for everyone else but I can't have a little piece of that care back?

Honestly, stop being a martyr.

Tell him you're not buying his side presents this Xmas or birthdays as you'd prefer him to do it and you don't have time. If he forgets, he forgets!

Only take responsibility for your own family and friends.

Tell him you want precise instructions about what he wants for his presents in future as you won't be thinking of surprises. If he doesn't tell you he gets a card and a cake.

Honestly, drop the rope. Only give what you receive.

I do not understand why you are buying his family presents. Why is that not his job?!

what are his roles / contribution in the relationship?

So I find items for his collection that fit in his collection. Sometimes new releases. Sometimes old vintage pieces. I've had artwork drawn up around his interests. I had pieces sent off and signed by actors. I've found original pieces of costumes.
I've had custom figurines made. I've had pieces shipped in from Japan, exclusives.

Tbh this really does show the differences in love languages. If a partner got me this I would find it a little over the top if I'm honest. I'm happy with a book and a meal out!

Have you asked him what he thinks of love languages? It's a really important thing to ask your partner. Clearly one of yours is gift giving but for some people (like me) giving gifts is not important.