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Original poster

Why is my husband so bloody dense?

121 replies

Pabbs · 26/10/2022 13:52

It's my birthday in 10 days.

For weeks he's been asking me what I want for my birthday. I tell him I would like him to take some initiative, I don't want to know what he's got.

Whilst saying that I have shown him, at least once every 48 hours something online I really like and would love as a gift.
"Oh look at this onesie! Cute"

"I love these shoes, they would look so nice at Christmas"

"Look at this, a Tshirt of my favourite film"

I show him on my phone with website fully visable, he say 'oh yeah, nice'

Then that evening will ask again 'what do you want for your birthday?'

Is he just completely stupid?

I get so mad because for MONTHS before his birthday I pay attention to anything he seems interested in and will buy bits as and when I discover his interest, so I don't forget.

My Dad is the same with my mum. Mu sisters husands too.

Last night he said he will just 'put money in my card' so I can get what I like.

:(

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 26/10/2022 16:09

Have you told him what you want?
I don't mean the items

I mean what you say about wanting him to be thoughtful, to get you something that shows he cares about you, knows what your interests are, that you matter? That the item itself isn't the point.

I know you said you argue about it every year but that's not what I mean. I mean telling him what you do to make sure he gets gifts he likes. The time you take. Why you do it. And ask him why he doesn't feel you are worth that.

Imnotlost · 26/10/2022 16:15

Op I am one hundred percent on your page.

It is not the present that matters at all - it's the connection or at least the genuine attempt at connection, the effort and the initiative. It's really not that hard, especially with the hints!

LimeCheesecake · 26/10/2022 16:16

You need a conversation today so he’s got time to understand. Something clear like “DH don’t put cash in a card for my birthday and stop asking me to tell you what to buy. What I want is some effort from you. I want you to have listened to me and thought about what I might like, then get it. If I have to tell you what to buy, I might as well get it myself and it’s not a gift from you. It doesn’t have to be perfect or hideously expensive, just something you have chosen to show you actually know the woman you’ve lived with for 20 years.”

(although I’m struggling for dh gifts for his birthday next month - can think of small things he’d like but nothing to be a main gift. Might go with a box filled with lots of little things)

FinallyHere · 26/10/2022 16:20

I cannot express how much I loath surprise gifts. DH on the other hand, much prefers years of did surprises for the odd, very, very occasional bullseye of something g he didn't even know he wanted.

I've tried to get him to agree that I tell him my suggestions and CV let him decide which if any appeal. He agrees but I just know he would rather be completely surprised.

It's exhausting. My least favourite part of our life together.

ABBAsnumberonefan · 26/10/2022 16:20

OP if it’s been 20 years then it’s just not going to happen. Why cause an argument when you know from the past behaviour and experience it isn’t going to happen.

Some people are crap at gifts and some people are good. My dad always buys really good gifts for my mum, my mum doesn’t for him. I’m good at buying gifts and my sibling isn’t.

PToosher · 26/10/2022 16:21

I glanced through the comments and was surprised to spot none saying you should leave him, which seems to be the regular advice here.

Greenfinch7 · 26/10/2022 16:21

@Babdoc That made me cry- what a wonderful thoughtful husband, and what a heartbreaking and touching last message to get from him to find your presents carefully hidden like that.

ABBAsnumberonefan · 26/10/2022 16:22

Actually OP, I would say if he’s always been like this yet you still expect him to suddenly be amazing then you’re the problem. Sorry but it’s you who is causing the arguments because you’re trying to change someone who doesn’t want to / can’t change.

oldtableleg · 26/10/2022 16:30

"So if someone's birthday is coming up. And you know you have to buy them a gift and they showed you something on their phone that they liked you wouldn't think 'oh ill get that for them, pefect'"

I wouldn't because unless they said they wanted it for their birthday because a) just cos you like something doesn't mean you want it (I frequently show dh stuff I like but really don't want or need) or b) there's a reasonable chance they'd have bought it for themselves.

We all (from grandparents down to little kids) have wish lists which are maintained over the year. Loads of choices for birthdays etc, price range for £5-100, no concerns about duplications, no one-upmanship with competitive gift giving or game playing, no weird controlling/judgemental gifts (oh you should love this cook for weight loss, well I only buy wooden/fairtrade/organic gifts for little Johnny, but I thought you'd love a meditation retreat in Snowdonia), no wasted money or time, no disappointments or sulking , lots of potential for surprises = everyone happy.

LimeCheesecake · 26/10/2022 16:33

Well it’s not about the gift is it? It’s about feeling he doesn’t listen to you. It’s about feeling you pay attention to what he’s interested in, but he’s not interested in knowing what you are interested in. It’s about feeling he doesn’t think you are worth his time to think and find the right gift, he just wanted to click on the link you give him and put his credit card details in.

It’s ok to be sad about this. But you must have the conversation (or even argument) now when you are clear what you are upset about. (And spell out your expectation - a gift, that he has selected and bought without you telling him what to get, that doesn’t have to cost a lot of money but shows he’s made an effort to think about what you might like and listened to you.)

does he show he cares and is interested in you and your interests/passions/worries the rest of the time?

Iloveautumn21 · 26/10/2022 16:34

Pabbs · 26/10/2022 14:20

It's been 20 years of this. I doubt it.

Every year we have an argument about it.

And people saying just send him links to what I want are COMPLETELY MISSING THE POINT.

I don't want them items in particular, I want him to stop, have a think about what I've said to him in our daily conversations, have a think about me and my interests and get me something off his own back.

I have a dozen interests you could Google now, click shop and have 100 things to buy.

I've said about 6 times I would like a onesie. I love anything with a certain character on. I love certain films. I am mad on a certain colour. All very east things to turn into presents.

It's not the present.

If I woke up and he had got me something, anything related to something I like I would be over the moon.

I don't want fancy.

I don't wnat expensive.

I want to be listened to. And worthy of the minimum effort.

Show quote history

Gift giving might be your love language but it’s not his. Maybe worth doing the quiz if you haven’t already

MavisChunch29 · 26/10/2022 16:34

And you know you have to buy them a gift and they showed you something on their phone that they liked you wouldn't think 'oh ill get that for them, pefect'

Yes, if they showed me just one thing they wanted. But if they kept showing me dozens of things they liked then I might feel confused or intimidated by choice. Particularly if they'd been critical of my gift-buying in the past. What if I were to get it wrong, again?

NiqueNique · 26/10/2022 16:43

Thinking about it, if I was shown things by someone in the lead-up to a birthday, or they mentioned them in conversation, I definitely wouldn’t buy those items. Because I couldn’t sure that he or she hadn’t already decided to buy one. I couldn’t ask, because then the surprise would be ruined. So I’d specifically exclude those things.

I had to tell DH what one of his presents was one time as he started making noises about buying the very same thing!! That was annoying...

ICanHideButICantRun · 26/10/2022 16:44

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 26/10/2022 13:56

Perhaps he is playing dumb so you'll be surprised on your birthday.

I've been on MN almost since the start and have seen hundreds of these threads. I've never ever seen one where this has happened.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 26/10/2022 16:46

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

You are doing this to yourself.

knittingaddict · 26/10/2022 16:46

You're doing two things which aren't working. When he asked what you want you aren't telling him. You are showing him stuff you would like and he's not getting the hints. Just join the two up and tell him what you want when he asks. Give him options, so that you don't know exactly which one you will receive.

We've been doing this for years. The result? No angst or drama on birthdays.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 26/10/2022 16:50

Send him a few links and ask him to order one and ask him not to tell you what he's bought
That way you'll still get a surprise... but a nice one

XAQ · 26/10/2022 16:52

I'm with you you OP. It's the actions of the buying the gift, not the gift itself.

Why wouldn't you want to be thought about when someone is buying a gift. I put in a huge effort when buying something for someone.

My DP mentioned something about 7 months ago that he wants to buy for himself. I know he hasnt bought it. So ive bought it for Christmas.

Being listened to is important

Runnerduck34 · 26/10/2022 16:52

OP your post made me laugh but really it should make me cross because it's like deliberate incompetence/ can't be arsed.
I would love a thoughtful gift that was a surprise.
I've now given up.
Generally surprise gifts have led to disappointment, like a teapot because I like tea, or something identical to what I already have because he knows I like it.
So I now accept that if I want something I have to ask for it. Explicitly, on an email, with a link, sizing/ colour info etc
It's crap really but at least I get what I want .

Zott · 26/10/2022 16:55

He’s not going to change. I think it’s time to accept it and move in or if it really is a dealbreaker then divorce. Personally I don’t give a hoot about my birthday and stuff generally but I know some people hang a lot of importance on how much effort is put in. It’s a shame you and your DH are so different but really I don’t think you can change people.

catandcoffee · 26/10/2022 16:59

Sorry OP you're 20 years too late to change him.

I could be wrong but maybe it's deeper than "a present"

I get exactly what you're saying thought

nannync · 26/10/2022 16:59

I agree with you op.
If I showed DP absolutely nothing then I'd end up with a shit present loosely related to one of my interests.
But if I show him stuff on my phone like you have described he would take note.

He sounds useless.

Maybe talk to him about it. Like a child. 'You keep asking me what I want but over the last week I've shown you examples of lots of things I like. Why aren't you taking notice? I don't want to tell you the exact item I want for my birthday because then it's not an exciting surprise. The nice thing about presents is the thought put into the gift by the giver. We have been together x amount of years and you know my likes and interests. Stop being lazy and out some thought into it, which is what I do for you ever birthday and Christmas.'

nannync · 26/10/2022 17:00

I agree @catandcoffee

It's actually quite upsetting.

dottiedodah · 26/10/2022 17:01

My friend goes shopping with her DH ,has a nice lunch and a look round some small shops in a nearby historical town .Works out well for them .We often do something similar too .

iRun2eatCake · 26/10/2022 17:18

Pabbs · 26/10/2022 14:20

It's been 20 years of this. I doubt it.

Every year we have an argument about it.

And people saying just send him links to what I want are COMPLETELY MISSING THE POINT.

I don't want them items in particular, I want him to stop, have a think about what I've said to him in our daily conversations, have a think about me and my interests and get me something off his own back.

I have a dozen interests you could Google now, click shop and have 100 things to buy.

I've said about 6 times I would like a onesie. I love anything with a certain character on. I love certain films. I am mad on a certain colour. All very east things to turn into presents.

It's not the present.

If I woke up and he had got me something, anything related to something I like I would be over the moon.

I don't want fancy.

I don't wnat expensive.

I want to be listened to. And worthy of the minimum effort.

Show quote history

I totally get this. I was the same with my XH. I just wanted to feel loved and appreciated by him putting some time, effort and thought into my gifts.

When we split, prior to divorce we still had a joint bank account. I could see what he was now buying the OW. I would have been over the moon with the presents.

It was a lightbulb moment for me

I realised that he did actually know what would make decent gifts.... but he just didn't give a shit about me enough to bother.