Why is my husband so bloody dense?

[Pabbs]

It's my birthday in 10 days.

For weeks he's been asking me what I want for my birthday. I tell him I would like him to take some initiative, I don't want to know what he's got.

Whilst saying that I have shown him, at least once every 48 hours something online I really like and would love as a gift.
"Oh look at this onesie! Cute"

"I love these shoes, they would look so nice at Christmas"

"Look at this, a Tshirt of my favourite film"

I show him on my phone with website fully visable, he say 'oh yeah, nice'

Then that evening will ask again 'what do you want for your birthday?'

Is he just completely stupid?

I get so mad because for MONTHS before his birthday I pay attention to anything he seems interested in and will buy bits as and when I discover his interest, so I don't forget.

My Dad is the same with my mum. Mu sisters husands too.

Last night he said he will just 'put money in my card' so I can get what I like.

:(

This sounds oddly...unreasonable and manipulative. OP wants a specific response from her husband and anything less is failure. A response mind you that she hasn't actually outright told him about, e.g "Hey love, you know, any of these things that I mention liking, one of the onesies, franchise x or Y...just get me a surprise from one of those please."

Instead it is an unspoken do it the way I want, with inferred feeling and initiative, or else I will be angry. He is asking you what you want and instead of giving him a straight answer you are acting like either a spoiled child or a falsely coy diva who refuses to give a straight answer. Talk about being twisty. I's be sticking money in a card if my otehr half was so stubborn and petty as to not give me a straight answer to a question I had asked a half dozen times. Poor bloke, he is anxious to get you something since he has asked so many times and instead of you taking the hint of his direct question to tell him, you have been playing stupid coy games of showing him multiple 'potential' gifts without just giving a straight answer.

Maybe to him you seem flighty and unsure what you want yourself, since you have showed him so many web pages of onesies and different things but never outright said you want any of them. Like, sweet baby Jesus, you showed him six onesies you said....and called them all cute or nice. I would be confused about which one you wanted and be wondering if you still haven't found the one you actually like since you continue to pull up more and more different ones.

You say that you have easy interests, a film franchise you like, a favourite colour, a character etc, and he could buy anything from those categories, and you would be happy...that sounds like a nightmare to me. Essentially, you are telling someone that there is a massive pool of potential gifts in these categories, and you would be happy with any of them....that is just too much choice. I would straight up just ask my partner what she wanted too because the idea of buying just some random piece of tat because it has a character or suitable color would make me anxious that it wasn't actually something my other half would like. The problem of too much choice and the potential to essentially waste money on junk. If there lots of things to be potentially be bought, then asking my other half which one specifically she wants is sensible, cause its better than just picking any old thing rather than getting what she specifically wants.

I just feel sorry for OPs husband. I have known a lot of husbands and wives who find the gift giving ritual awkward and hard, people who struggle and worry with buying gifts and find it to be an anxiety inducing extra burden on top of other life worries of more importance. Open communication of just telling your partner what you want if they struggle and are genuinely asking seems the minimum a person can do in a healthy relationship.

I hear you, OP.

My husband is the same and I have tried similar tactics as you have employed here and they also failed. I’ve decided for Christmas and my next birthday I am going to say that I will mention things I like over the coming weeks and months and he is to choose from my hints. Frankly, I don’t think I should have to do that but hey ho that’s where we are. I don’t really care if other people think that’s a fuss or a drama or a test - I want a bit of recognition and to feel like he notices me and wants to to treat me, because I bloody well deserve it.

@UrslaB she doesn’t want a specific response. And she isn’t setting him up to fail

She just wants him to show he cares by actually making an effort for her b’day and finding an idea all in his isn of what to get her. Like she is doing fur him every time.

Thats not asking for much imo.

That is absolutely ridiculous, Your poor husband.

And fgs being flimsy about the OP wants because she is offering too many choices!!

Since when is anyone obligated to tell their partner exactly what they want for their b’day? Or else not have anything at all?
Cant he THINK all in his own fur a change??

I hear you, OP. It's just the lack of thought and care that's upsetting. I don't know why othwres can't see that. But some people (usually men!) just aren't tuned in to this kind of thing. I just get my own presents now; I mean, if you've got to hand the person a list with all the links on etc then you might as well just bloody buy your own.

To the people who think it’s unreasonable to expect him to get an idea fir a b’day all in his own, do you tell your isn DH what to buy - like a list with links and very specific instructions?

If you do that, why do you bother to have a b’day and why don’t you just go and buy the stuff yourself? I mean you’ve done all the work. If you’re married, money will be pooled anyway. So why??

Give him a list of pre-approved 'surprises'. I'd much rather get something I want than something I don't.

I send my husband links to things I like. I don't mention them after, I don't ask if he's looked. That way he's got a a choice of items with colours/sizes of things I like and hopefully he'll get one of those things and i lm none the wiser until the day.

My dh is dense as fuck when it comes to gifts. Literally stupid. Twice in the last 10 years, I said get me slippers. Sent him a link. One year he managed to pick some up from Mark's, 2 feckin left feet.
Several years later I took him to a local shop and pointed at some. He went in Christmas Eve, they only had small left so he got them, despite me being a size 6. I mean there are no words are there?
Now I let him do his worst and just go on amazon after and select what i want.
He is great in every other thing but this. I have scaled back what I get him hugely.

Open communication of just telling your partner what you want if they struggle and are genuinely asking seems the minimum a person can do in a healthy relationship.

@UrslaB exactly, great way to put it.

We use wish lists. The surprise is in which item on your wish list you end up getting. Its a hell of alot less work to list what you want than for someone else to try and guess what you want. I am awful at buying gifts and it has nothing to do with lack of caring, lack of thought or effort at all. And too many hints or choices can be very confusing and overwhelming…..it’s not a good thing.

20 years you have been doing the same thing and being disappointed- is it not time for you to change?

I'm 10 years in and a few years back we both agreed your method was painful for buyer and receiver, lists might be unromantic but they work.

At Christmas DH will even buy his own present and hand it to me to wrap.

Both of us show love and thoughtfulness throughout the year, no need to spoil Christmas or birthdays over gifts.

But is it not the minimum for a life long partner to know what the person you are living with likes or need?
How is it that women seen to always gave an idea of what to get their partner but men don’t?

@WakingUpDistress

But is it not the minimum for a life long partner to know what the person you are living with likes or need?
You can know what a person likes or needs and still be shit at buying gifts for them. The same with loving them and thinking hard on gift and making effort to find a gift- none of this guarantees you will be able to successfully buy a gift they actually like. There’s no correlation between more love, more thought and more effort= better gifts.

How is it that women seen to always gave an idea of what to get their partner but men don’t?
I would encourage you to RTFT because myself and some other female posters have admitted we suck at buying surprise gifts. We’ve also described how this is for us. The massive worry and effort we put in, the paralysis & indecision, and finally the panic often leading to shit presents and humiliation, disgust with ourselves and yet more anxiety over being judged as lazy, thoughtless, uncaring, and so on which are just of the few of the more milder adjectives that have been used to describe males who similarly struggle with buying surprise gifts.

DH knows exactly what I like. Unfortunately for him unless he buys specific items he'll probably be wrong.

Even if I told him 'pyjamas x size' the reality is I'd likely prefer ones I picked however nice his choice is. Because I don't expect him to mind read everything I think about on buying pyjamas.

Lists is easier.

I will also add that some people are deeply unsatisfying to buy for. (Not saying this is you OP). I don’t mean the proverbial man who has everything, or those (usually male) recipients who have very little in the way of materialistic aspirations. They aren’t easy to buy for but tend to be gracious about what they get, even if it is 16 pairs of Star Wars socks.

I’m talking about the type who insists that of course they don’t want anything, or anything special, but will then get extremely upset when they get taken at their word. Every present you ever buy for them gets regifted, taken back to the shop or hidden at the back of a cupboard for a decade. Such people should not be surprised when their friends and family give up on trying to give them thoughtful gifts.

As a lesbian, the idea that only husbands find it frustrating not getting a straight answer to the question of what the wife wants for her birthday is a bit ridiculous. Also rather sexist and plays into an outdated stereotype.

I expect the minimum of my life long partner is for them to be a mature adult who has open and honest communication rather than playing petty mind games and expecting me to be telepathic or to make assumptions based off of some silly childish behaviors of repeatedly pointing to things they like instead of just giving a straight answer of what they want when asked. We aren't teenagers who are going for shallow romantic gestures of playing a game of Mr & Mrs where we worry about who superficially knows who best based on petty gifts and who bought who the better gift off the cuff.

The consumerist and materialistic behaviors and mindsets being falsely paraded as somehow indicative of loving and romantic behavior here is a bit sickening. Equating buying a good gift with a good loving partner is weird. Some people are good at picking gifts, some aren't, it isn't a measure of love or worth. A material gift on a birthday is not a grand measure of the depth of love or the strength of a marriage and relationship. If that is how you measure a marriage then you have rather missed the point.

I'm confu

Dammit. Bloody page jumping up and posting.

I'm confused about what you want and I've read all your posts. You want a onesie. But not one you've shown him a picture of. But a similar one. Or any one because he can just Google onesie even though there are 1000s.

And something to do with The Nightmare Before Christmas. But nothing you already have. So anything at all? But again not something you've shown him, just something similar?

It is not just men who can't pick something successfully of their own bat (not back). I'd be struggling, always do.

I honestly don’t know! I actively tell mine “please get me xyz for xmas” and he will still claim he has no idea what I want. We have been together 10 years and this is the first year I’ve taken over buying birthday and Xmas presents for his kids. Now we have our own child (who I obviously buy presents for) his shitty effort for his kids was making me upset and they are great kids and deserve nice thoughtful wrapped presents for birthday and Christmas.