Why is my husband so bloody dense?

[Pabbs]

It's my birthday in 10 days.

For weeks he's been asking me what I want for my birthday. I tell him I would like him to take some initiative, I don't want to know what he's got.

Whilst saying that I have shown him, at least once every 48 hours something online I really like and would love as a gift.
"Oh look at this onesie! Cute"

"I love these shoes, they would look so nice at Christmas"

"Look at this, a Tshirt of my favourite film"

I show him on my phone with website fully visable, he say 'oh yeah, nice'

Then that evening will ask again 'what do you want for your birthday?'

Is he just completely stupid?

I get so mad because for MONTHS before his birthday I pay attention to anything he seems interested in and will buy bits as and when I discover his interest, so I don't forget.

My Dad is the same with my mum. Mu sisters husands too.

Last night he said he will just 'put money in my card' so I can get what I like.

:(

I'm going against the grain, why does it seem like the female posters are able to buy for their partners but in return they have to send lists?

Surely in 20 years, OP, your husband should know you and your interests? If not, he's (at the very least) not paying attention to you when you show him things. It's so lazy!

That being said if it's happening annually, I'd just tell him a few brands you like in general and when he says you're hard to buy for, tell him things you like. I once got a packet of sweets for my birthday because DH said he knew I liked them as he'd seen me eat them With my DH, I've since made sure knows what brands and things I like and he's been good.

Totally get it OP. You put so much effort and thought into his gifts and he should do the same back. My DH used to be the same, it made me feel like he didn't care enough to ever listen to me and make the effort. I had to explain it to him like he's 5 and he's much better now!

Totally agree with the love languages thing too, one of mine is definitely gift giving/receiving and DH wouldn't be bothered if we never got gifts for each other ever again.

Just to redress that impression, my DH is very good at present buying. He pays attention and has always got me lovely things. But I wasn’t going to go on and on about that on this thread where OP is upset..it also stands to reason that the ones who mention wish lists are those whose husbands aren’t great at present buying, whilst those whose husbands are won’t be mentioning wish lists! I don’t like wasting money and I don’t like having lots of random crap around, so if my DH wasn’t any good at it I’d definitely have a wish list.

(Above in response to @FavouritePi)

I’m sorry OP but some people just cannot do what you are unreasonably demanding. I’m rubbish at buying gifts. I pay attention. I care deeply. I’ll note someone has said they like x, but then I second guess per a pp as in they said they’d like it, but what if it’s something they wouldn’t actually wear? Or what if it’s too much money for the item? Or what if it’s not good/nice enough for a birthday gift? Or what if they already have one- have they ordered one and I don’t know? And I dither and agonise. Then the day before I panic buy. And it’s usually crap.

You say you argue over this every year, so that’s 20yrs of knowing your husband isnt good at buying surprise gufts. I think you are the stupid one to be frank to think you can magic up an ability that not everyone has.

In our family we simply share wish lists with each other for birthdays and Christmas. It takes the stress out and I feel a million times better knowing I’m getting something the person definitely wants…and doesn’t already have!

It’s been 20 years. You’re flogging a dead horse. Accept he is thoughtless and doesn’t give a fuck about your interests or ditch him and find someone who does.

I can send mine all the links, sizes, options and ideas in the world but unless I write a list when he specifically asks for it he acts like he has no idea what I want

don't send him the links or drop hints: say, next time he asks, quite clearly: “But you know the things I like, and I regularly show you items I fancy getting. What I want for my birthday is for you to pay attention to my likes and surprise me, instead of asking me for a specific link to a specific item as if you’re going to the shops as a favour to me to get a replacement lightbulb or something

I agree with this. You need to spell it out to him and tell him it makes you feel like shit when he shows no interest in your likes.

I'm going against the grain, why does it seem like the female posters are able to buy for their partners but in return they have to send lists?
OOPS I guess I just disproved this sweeping generalisation! It’s not just men who are awful at gift buying.

If not, he's (at the very least) not paying attention to you when you show him things. It's so lazy!
Im not lazy at all. In fact the opposite. I overthink it until I paralyse myself with indecision and then I panic buy…..No amount of being explained to “like I am 5” is going to change that.

I'm not asking him to go to the level I do.

I'm asking him to open Google, look tounf the room, see that I have a load of Nightmare before Christmas items, type that and order something. There's literally thousands of items.

Or go on amazon and type 'Onsie'

Why would he not be capable of that?

When he does his hobbies he is capable of researching and ordering things.

When he goes hiking he can Google the best boots and order those.

I'm baffled at people saying it's too much to expect!

Why are your standards so low?

I'm not asking for diamonds or some obscure first print book.

Just go to Google and type 'onesie'

I agree. Everyone's different. I'm not good with gifts, whilst my husband puts a lot of effort in presents, surprises etc. I show love by taking care of him- serving meal at the end of day, doing stuff at home so he can put his feet up and relax, showing appreciation to his efforts, because he really does a lot for us (financial and mental burden) etc. If he was giving me hints that he likes something, no way in the world I would get it. You either accept it or end up fighting.

Have you said this to him?

How is he supposed to know

• what to google
• then which of the thousands of items to pick?

It's not low standards, it's rather that I don't need anyone to shower me with gifts, as if I really want something I'll buy it for myself. Just because you know what someone is into, it doesn't mean that you'll get the right thing. And if someone has loads of a particular thing, you'd be afraid of duplication.

Because I keep showing him on my phone. But he pays no attention.

And I wouldn't care what it was. It's the thought and effort that would count. Not the gift itself.

If it was the gift I cared about I would take the cash.

Yes but that's you. Not me.

I wouldn't care what it is. It's the thought and effort behind it.

I would love it.

Yes, but when you showed him you specifically said you did not tell him this was something you wanted for your birthday. You’re expecting him to mindread and take the act of showing him something on your phone as a hint.

My DH shows me stuff all the live long day. I have no idea which things he would actually like versus which things he thought were amusing or cool enough to show me just for shits and grins.

But if you keep showing him on your phone, then how can he fulfil the brief of getting something off his own back? I think he's scared about getting it wrong

Yeah this.

I'm Not fussed about receiving stuff- small flat already crammed with "stuff"

Anything I particularly want I buy for myself (budget permitting) or save up for over time.

I wouldn't want to burden my DP financially.

Then there's the pressure to appreciate a gift, which can be annoying.

A previous partner got me a kindle because he knew I liked reading. Hated the bloody thing but then felt pressure to use it because he had bought it and he thought I was ungrateful even though I hadn't asked for it!

I especially feel this about home made / unique things e.g. family have knitted me a slightly odd item, which I hate. Hard to just stick in the charity bag!!!

So if someone's birthday is coming up. And you know you have to buy them a gift and they showed you something on their phone that they liked you wouldn't think 'oh ill get that for them, pefect'

I can guarantee 99% of the mums on here would do that if their husband of child showed them something before their birthday or Christmas.

But men are just too dopey to connect them dots.

OK.

FGS just tell him. Why play games? Obviously he doesn’t do the hint thing and frankly you are being ridiculous to expect him to when he has demonstrated time and again that’s not how he does birthdays. Why spoil for a fight?

I think you would care. If it was crap you’d assume zero thought and zero effort which is usually not the case with those of us who are awful at buying gifts. Although, everyone on this thread who is good at buying gifts has the exact same assumption mind you, it’s because you’re taking a talent for granted.

My eldest DD has the talent, she seems to know with no effort exactly what to buy and then all she has to do is research it, find it, buy it and wrap it.

Meanwhile, I would be spending hours endlessly searching and scrolling for inspiration. Thinking of and rejecting hundreds of gift ideas, agonising, losing sleep, until the last second when the panic sets in. Seriously, that’s how it went before we did lists. My DH literally got a pack of socks and a toblerone as his birthday gift when we first got together. It’s a joke between is now, but he knows I care and he knows I am not lazy, I do thoughtful things all the time for him like I paid the car tax on his car because he was very busy and hadn’t got round to it.

No I genuinely wouldn’t connect being shown a picture on a phone with that’s what they want as a birthday gift unless they said the words “this would be an awesome gift for my birthday” or similar.

It’s not that standards are low (well mine aren’t anyway!) but surely you can see the difference between researching an item and knowing for definite, as far as you reasonably could, that you yourself will like it, and not knowing for certain that someone else will like something you’re thinking of buying for them (then again, you probably won’t because it clearly comes naturally to you).

See the comment above from someone who finds gift buying extremely stressful and difficult, hence putting it off and ending up panic buying right at the last minute.

Plus if you buy something for yourself and it turns out not to be great well you’ve only disappointed yourself. If you buy a shit present for the person you love or get it wrong somehow then you've disappointed and upset them which is far, far worse. For someone who is anxious about it this will make it almost impossible to commit and actually it gets much worse the more you care, because then the burden of doing right by that person becomes absolutely overwhelming (I’m anxious about certain things, not gift buying as it happens, but I can relate to the thought process and the procrastination and the inevitable stress and overwhelm).

Look. I’m not making excuses for him, even though I know it looks like I am. I’m simply trying to get you to see that it may not be that he doesn’t care. In which case you would be better off accepting it and changing the way you relate to the issue instead of going on wanting desperately for him to change.

However I could of course also be barking up the wrong tree entirely, in which case if he’s a shitty, selfish, thoughtless person then I’d be saying to myself that 20 years of that is enough and I wouldn’t be hanging around any longer for more of the same!