I can't afford to live normally anymore, what's the point?

[savingallmylove]

No this isn't a suicidal thread! I'm not depressed. But I don't see a way out and it's terrifying

I don't have enough money coming in to cover food for myself properly. I'm living on soup and a few handouts from church (that I don't attend)

Now, I can't work so what do I do?

I'm a carer for my disabled child. When he's at school, I'm sleeping mostly or running errands that need doing, life admin etc

My monthly income no longer covers everything. There is no wiggle room, and I don't even have 'Netflix' or Spotify - my mum pays for my account as it's her family account

My son does swimming and horse riding but they're paid for by his DLA.

What on earth do I do? No it isn't a begging thread before someone reports me - My mum and dad will certainly feed me if I was starving or short!! But others aren't so fortunate to have family help if they're desperate

Do people really think that if op's ex claimed PIP, there would be enough for him to share with the OP?? Wow, people really don't know much about disability benefits do they!

OP, I wonder if it is worth you going through what benefits you receive and your expenditures to see if any one can help. I think you probably should be able to afford food if you are claiming everything you are entitled to. Are you paying off old debt or anything? Or a mortgage? I assume you have told all relevant agencies that your DC is disabled to ensure you get everything you are entitled to? With DLA, carers, housing benefit, reduction in council tax, UC, child benefit, family fund, recent help towards energy costs, free school meals, etc and just one child to feed and clothe and no childcare costs - I feel like you should be able to afford food. I wonder if something is going wrong somewhere?

I fully understand if you don't want to go through it all here given some responses, however please at least consider going to the CAB or something!

Op have you thought about getting a couple of cleaning jobs? Good cleaners are always in demand. Two hours twice a week. Arrange them so you go directly there after you drop your son off you could go to bed after to catch up on sleep. Depending on your area you could earn £13/15 an hour enough to cover your food bill.
I think you should keep the swimming and horse riding. I bet it brings joy to your boy.

@asdadult I can't control what he claims or doesn't

It wouldn't just be PIP though would it? It would also be an income replacement benefit like ESA or UC and if he is very ill as op implies that could pay up to £1000 a month on highest rates so quite enough to help with his kids especially if living with his mum and presumably no rent to pay.

Absolutely you can't. But you can go through CMS for maintenance x

God I wish people would just shut up about cleaning jobs. Probably one of the most exhausting things and suggesting that to someone who is already exhausted and probably cleaning up after a disabled child, all the extra washing etc is just beyond thoughtless.

Praying that your situation improves, OP. Sometimes we have an unclear idea what ‘better’ looks like. Clarify this in your mind in detail and pray to your angels and God to help you manifest it.

No, many posters here are just proving the PP point about someone leaving the cunt farm gate open.

At least read the OP's own posts.

You are not teaching the OP to fish by ignoring everything she says and just inventing a solution. The riding/swimming are not "fripperies" for a child like this they are part of his therapy. She can't "teach him to sleep" magically. They have 15 hours a week allocated but nobody to deliver that care and support from the approved agencies.

Sometimes carers need to just vent a bit inand not have a bunch of knownothings bitch about them being on "hand outs" and learning to fish.

Big hugs. I have two children with special needs. Both in specialist schools. I was lucky I found a job at a school as an administrator and when the pandemic hit I worked from home and continued to do but if I didn’t have this job, I would struggle to do anything else due to my kids needs. They can’t access holiday or after school clubs as it’s too much for them.

In terms of DLA, I would say it’s for both of you. I can understand you not wanting to lose the activities that benefit your son. Do you have a food budget? Maybe pasta/lentils etc something filling.

Neither of my children are brilliant sleepers. They can function on very little sleep.

if you’ve got access to a food bank use it.

Being a carer is a really really hard job. And when it’s for our children we have no choice.

Riding and swimming ate not "fripperies" but food for the OP is not a "frippery" either. She says she's living on vegetable soup and a few bits and pieces from the church food bank. Do you really think that's sustainable?

op can you answer the ?? about if you are recieving full benefits as if she is not then that may answer her ? and we maybe could help with a budget etc

but do agree the op should not be looking for a job she is 24/7 with her dc and can see why she catches up with sleep

I don’t know where you are, but for anyone in Edinburgh, here’s a charity helping with heavily discounted food. www.freshstartweb.org.uk/fresh-start-pantry

No qualifications needed OP :) You can literally do it in bed in your PJ's if you wanted with a nice hot chocolate. (I speak from experience). I sometimes do it for a bit of extra income and I know it's been a bit of a life saver for those who just want some extra on some months. Sure, it can be quite boring at times, but I find the students I talk with are all so lovely and if you set your schedule for priority hours then you are guaranteed to get calls for those times you have scheduled. The money is a bit crap, but with the pound being so low at the moment, that actually works in your favour because you get paid in dollars then it's converted. You just need a PayPal account and get paid weekly. This means you have will have covered all your expenses for food and your son gets to keep all his activities that he needs. Really sounds like he needs them - so it could be a good little solution for you.

Good luck! - Just make sure you get some much needed rest too when you need too. x

Also - there is Cambly Kids - which is $12 a hour. I don't work for them, but that's also another one.

But she can’t eat - enrichment activities are a frippery when compared to things like food, water, heat, and shelter.

So we’re not allowed to suggest looking at budget, checking in extra benefits, trying to work, using the DLA money to pay for the child’s carer to eat, cutting down on extra enrichment activities to be able to eat food, or chasing the other parent for maintenance? Then what’s the point of the thread? If op isn’t interested in budgeting, prioritising, or bringing extra money in, then there’s really nothing else that can be suggested other than get used to eating soup.

Wow, this thread!

Domestic care-work is so undervalued, as shown in some (most!) of the responses on this thread.

If OP had said 'I work with a family caring for a little boy with SN - I work with him after school and throughout the night, I'm exhausted and skint' I can guarantee nobody would suggest the OP get another job on top of the exhausting role she already has. But, the little boy with SN is her own son so posters discount the relentless 'work' she already does

I'm so sorry life is tough for you OP - no 'advice' from me. I'm going to assume you're an intelligent woman with years of experience in navigating the world of SN that I won't patronise you with trite unhelpful suggestions; I would imagine someone in your position has already sought help from every available avenue and it's still shit - I get ya

Some of the words used on this thread are shameful though, 'unethical' 'handouts'?? WTF?! The last 12 years have had a huge effect on the nations psyche haven't they?

(I agree with you completely about the horse-riding/swimming for your boy btw, for me they would be non-negotiable)

Then what’s the point of the thread?

I suspect that the point of the thread is that the OP is saying 'what's the point?' if this is her (fairly crap) life now and forever. Making those kinds of awful choices. Not really having the necessary support. Always trying to snatch enough sleep. It grinds you down till you're not capable of any more chasing and running and challenging and explaining.

So then what replies is op looking for? She doesn’t want any financial or practical advice, just for people to say ‘oh yes, you better just starve while your ex pays nothing towards his child and the child in question goes on enrichment activities regularly! Try a green tea as an appetite suppressant.’

I mean otherwise there’s literally nothing that can be said really. Either there is a budgeting issue or a prioritising one, but op doesn’t seem to want to hear that. She’s refusing to see that acting like her child’s DLA can’t possibly be spent on up keeping his number one resource (herself as his full time carer) isn’t the selfless act it seems like.

So we’re not allowed to suggest looking at budget, checking in extra benefits, trying to work, using the DLA money to pay for the child’s carer to eat, cutting down on extra enrichment activities to be able to eat food, or chasing the other parent for maintenance? Then what’s the point of the thread?

Maybe just to listen? Giving the OP space to vent about her situation?

Do you really think the OP hasn't already considered the 'suggestions' you've listed throughout her time as a carer?

I think the OP wants a bit of sympathy, tbh. And recognition.

I mean she hasn’t. She refuses to consider spending a penny of the child’s DLA on food because it’s ‘money for the child.’ She’s said so multiple times, and refuses to acknowledge that the money is for everything the child’s extra needs demand - including having a full time carer who isn’t starving herself.

Although if op just wants sympathy/agreement that it’s a good idea to have no food in order to pay for horse riding then I’ve obviously misunderstood and will leave her to it. Hopefully she is able to be in a better situation in the future.

I’ve obviously misunderstood and will* leave her to it
*
Great, off you pop! 👋🏻

Babyroobs

"God I wish people would just shut up about cleaning jobs. Probably one of the most exhausting things and suggesting that to someone who is already exhausted and probably cleaning up after a disabled child, all the extra washing etc is just beyond thoughtless.*"
*
I am a cleaner so I know exactly what the work involves.
The op needs solutions to her predicament.
The work is easy to find and two hours a week twice a week would leave her plenty of time to catch up on sleep. So no I don't agree that my suggestion was thoughtless.

Cleaning for 2 hours per week isn't going to benefit the OP. Don't bother OP just have your sleep! I'm not sure why people are trying to get OP into work 🤔