When I go to my children's houses when they're grown up I'm going to

[Dustingdemon]

Put a nearly empty milk bottle back in the fridge.
Turn on all the lights in the house and leave.
Tell them at 10pm that I need something desperately for the next day that they have absolutely no way of getting in time.

Your turn.

Poo in every toilet and leave it unflushed. Then wee all over the floor so they stand in it while trying to deal with it.

Disassemble every object with screws/removable bits I can find, and walk around fiddling with the various parts, before abandoning them somewhere so out of context that they'll never be correctly identified and replaced.

Stuff all my dirty clothes out of sight in various locations - under beds, down the back of chests of drawers, in boxes of toys.

Open all the packets of biscuits in the cupboard without asking, eat half, and leave the rest to go soggy.

Stand at one end of the hallway with a face like an arse, throwing bits of lego model at the far wall, until another household member realises it's their 10 million piece Millenium Falcon being dismantled and comes to try and wrest it off me. Then kick them and scream that they hit me.

Hide the remote controls so no one else can use the TV.

Play football in their house and break light fitting, remove it, don’t tell anyone until they notice light fitting is missing.

I will not talk all day, other than occasional bits of small talk and transactional stuff (like 'what time's dinner?'), and then at 11pm, when my kids are exhausted, I will start a massive emotive outpouring about literally eveything to do with my life: parents, friends, work, body image, what happens when we die, global warming ... everything.

Have a shite behind the sofa then get them to come and wave bye-bye to it before they're allowed to flush it away.

Oh yes! And when they eventually park up outside my friends house, I will ignore their texts to say they're there. Eventually they will have to go and bang on my friend's door which they were hoping to avoid as they've got their coat on over their pyjamas. My friend will answer the door and say "oh yeah she's just putting her boots on." Five minutes later, I will emerge and look baffled that they are annoyed with me 😅

Sit on the toilet, pick my nose and scrape the bogeys on the edge of the toilet seat as I sit.

I will very definitely not bother to use the commode and simply defecate on their very expensive, brand-new sitting room rug.

Are you in my house?

Burn evil smelling joss sticks to mask the smell of their secret smoking habit.
Stuff their laundry basket full of freshly laundered clothes that they can't be arsed to put away.

Ask approx every 13 minutes, ‘Has anyone seen my phone?’ and object when they suggest glueing it to my head.

Mine isn't house based....

Going to get in the car and then 5 or 10 minutes into the journey declare I need a wee.

Also tell them just after passing the services on a motorway I also need a wee. Even though they asked at the 1 mile to services sign.

Don't forget to ask if you're nearly there yet and declare that you are bored every 5 minutes.

This post is making my head spin
I'll add mine : splash black hair dye over all the bathroom paint work and leave it so that it never comes off!

@marcopront you make an important point. At least two jars left on the counter with the lids far away, one on the dining room table with a spoon/knife standing up in it, and few in the bedroom attracting ants and flies.

Lob my dinner on the floor then cry because I wanted it.

wait until they have new carpets laid then play slime directly onto it.

steal all their socks.

Ask them every 5 minutes who their favourite Pokémon is.

I will open the front door wearing my muddy rugby boots stomp through the house in them to the kitchen leaving a trail of mud and leaves. Kick them off at the back door and then proceed to divest myself of muddy sports kit and leave scattered on the floor around the washing machine but not actually in the washing machine.

My kit bag will be left in the front room, full of wet, mouldy rancid teenage male BO kit which did not make it to the washing machine over the preceding weeks.

I will fart loudly whilst announcing I am going for a shit and shower. Proceed to walk naked through the house and scream that anyone sitting on the sofa, daring to look up and getting a faceful of genitalia. is a paedo.

40 mins later I will emerge, scream I have no clean clothes and that they are a useless child. Leave the towel in a stinking pile usually draped half over the toilet where the foresaid shit is still residing and not been flushed.

I will then turn the TV to the x box regardless of what ever anyone else is looking at, grunt eat my way through a mountain of crap, leave bottles and wrappers in inconceivable places and tell everyone to just fuck off you wanker.

DEmand to knwo what is for supper and say is that all. Proceed to eat all the food, declare it is not enough and order a pizza - leaving the box on the floor over night and pizza crusts scattered in the bean bag.

I will then say - you do know I love you, even if you are a crap cook!

Circa yesterday evening!

I've another to add, as it's just happened.

Wait for them to clean the kitchen floor, get a flakey pastry sausage roll from the fridge and eat it without a plate. I'll then proceed to tell the "it's only a few crumbs", when they get pissed off.

I swear a body could be under the patio soon!!!

Oh yes! To relieve my boredom I'm going to start a fight with my siblings.

I bloody love this thread 😂

Take off my socks and leave them in little balls all over the house. Put on a new pair every time I have a need to have socks on.

Trim my fringe in the bathroom sink and leave all the hair scattered in it.

drink six cans of cola/soft drinks but not finish them completely so they can’t just pick them up and put them in the recycling bag they have to take them to the kitchen to empty every one of them out.

Have loads of snacks and leave all the packets on the table.

After I finish eating I’ll take my plates to the kitchen and if there’s food left on them don’t bother to scrape it into the food bag but just dump the plate on the counter.

After she’s been to work all day and I’ve been home, as soon as she walks through the door I’m gonna say I’m hungry what’s for scran.

going to walk into whatever room she’s in and turn down any music she happens to be listening to.

after a shower or bath gonna leave all my dirty clothes on the bathroom floor.

Arrive back at 2 am drunk wake, everyone up and fall flat on my face in the hall.

To my older two DCs I will go round to help them, but whenever they ask me to do anything I will be reading. They won’t be able to say anything to me about this, because reading is good. Occasionally I will actually get up with my book to do whatever they have asked, but I will be gone for ages until they come and find me standing in their hallway still reading.

To my younger DC, I will take one bite out of every piece of fruit in her house and then return it to her fruit bowl. I will ask her to do lots of thing with me but as soon as she starts to do one of them, I will immediately lose interest and suggest something else.

All 3 of mine have flown the nest.

I find relocating their TV remote controls and phone charging leads jolly good fun and look forward to the "Mum FFS, what you have done with the remote" messages.

@JaninaDuszejko and @Fink , I gather you’ve met my daughter….

I’m going to ignore everyone and everything except my phone while eating all
the posh biscuits before I launch into the massive “he said… so she said… so I said…” and accuse them of not caring about me when they fail to give a shit about people they’ve never met .

And I won’t pause for breath for over an hour.