When I go to my children's houses when they're grown up I'm going to

[Dustingdemon]

Put a nearly empty milk bottle back in the fridge.
Turn on all the lights in the house and leave.
Tell them at 10pm that I need something desperately for the next day that they have absolutely no way of getting in time.

Your turn.

Take bowls of Ready Brek up to my room, eat it, but leave a good scraping, then hide the bowl where it won’t be found for say a month - by which time the scraping will have dried on like cement.

Half drunk cups of tea ditto, extra points if the hidden mouldering dregs can be left where someone is going to spill them over the carpet when they eventually try to clean the room.

Use their car, run out of petrol and abandon it 20 miles away, having phoned a friend to come and get me.

Bring rocks and line them up on the window sill.

Place a half constructed Lego thing on the table and scatter the others bits at random.

Stick no entry signs on the bedroom doors.

Insert tiny plastic toys behind the radiator etc.

Stick the post through a crack in the floorboards.

Touch their face and hair lovingly with my sticky hands and give big slobbery kisses that they can not be seen to wipe.
Drink from their drink and leave little floaty bits , even though I have my own drink .
Sneak all sorts into their shopping trolly so they don’t notice until it’s time to pay .
Wait until we are running late , about to leave the house and announce I need a poo .

I will go to DDs house, help myself to ice cubes for my drink and put the empty ice cube tray back in the freezer without refilling it.

Go for a slash and not pull the flush, oh and make sure it splashes the toilet seat too.

Then sit back and see how much it fucks them off.

Find myself an arsehole boyfriend who complains that all the food in the house is shit, that they’ve bought cheap lager when he’d rather have Becks, but eats and drinks it all anyway.

talk without pausing for breath for as long as possible the second I walk in the door until their eyes glaze over and they lose the will to live

throw dirty socks all over the house every day

collect a pile of damp towels in my bedroom

waste half a pint of milk with every bowl of cereal then leave it lying around to somebody to knock over, preferably over their favourite cushion

I went to see Mike Harding once. He said he was going to wait until his kids were having a dinner party, ride a big motorbike across the lawn, leaving deep ruts, then sneak in, strip all his clothes off except his vest and then go into the dining room and say "I've just had a poo, will you wipe my bum?"

Not speak to them just grunt.

Walk through the house in full walking boots covered in mud - chuck everything about the guest room including making it smelling and dirty with used underwear. Then I will fall asleep in their nice clean bed without any warning and turn all their alarms off 😂

Brew the biggest, stinkiest poo, leave skid marks all over the loo, use three whole toilet rolls to wipe and block the toilet so badly that they will be required to stick their arm past the elbow in the disgusting mess to unblock the U-bend. Oh, and then ‘wash’ my hands by sticking them under a cold tap for a nano-second, before I proceed to run my foetid fingers over as many surfaces as possible, especially the fridge and the kitchen cupboards.

Abandon all rules of personal hygiene and simply apply liberal quantities of deodorant spray over the stench of body odour.

Shout "IT'S NOT FAIR!!" very loudly, especially when things are clearly very fair, slam some doors and complain that "NOBODY LOVES ME" before allowing myself to be comforted with my favourite film and hot chocolate

Put my snotty hands all over the beautiful rocky road they've just made

Wet the bed.

Then get into bed with them and wet that bed, too.

I think putting them in the fridge is very generous. Shouldn't some of them be left in a bedroom.

Bite a hole in their kitchen chair and blame the baby

Ask "what's for tea?" every five minutes from 3.30pm onwards.

Ignore any exasperated responses of "can you remember what I told you five minutes ago?"

Repeat until they get up and start making my tea.

Ask "is tea nearly ready?" every five minutes until it is on the table.

Wait till they sit down and then request ketchup.

Pick at my tea, eat about a third of it. Make them wonder why they don't just serve it straight into the bin and cut out the middle man.

After about half an hour declare that I am hungry.

Oh, and when I am visiting DD2 (currently six), I will feel compelled to unleash a stream of consciousness that absolutely cannot wait every single time she is attempting to speak to another human being. And quite literally sprint to be in the same room to partake in (monopolise) the conversation whenever she picks up her phone for a chat. Especially when it is an important business call.

draw on the wall

Demand a bowl of cereal when they serve me a beautifully cooked meal (my FAVOURITE meal, in fact!)

Scatter grapes on the carpet

Hide the laundry baskets

Ask what’s for breakfast/lunch/dinner. After hearing the answer sigh deeply and say ‘seriously! Is there nothing else?’

Haha!! Me too!
Let them run around doing everything at Xmas , complain about the house being cold/not light enough/ why is there no Halloumi in the fridge, whilst sprawled in the sofa on my phone.

I will use their living room as an office to make loud intrusive calls about unimportant things.

I will throw my clothes all over the bedroom floor and take all the hot water. I wil expect them to take me out for meals. I will drink all their booze.

I will complain constantly about the house and the way it’s organised. I will throw their mugs away because they have too many . Etc

Sleep starfished in their beds and snore loudly

Wipe my nose on their clothes while hugging them

^^Definitely this. I will also wait til 10pm at night to tell them about important things I need for the next day.