When I go to my children's houses when they're grown up I'm going to

[Dustingdemon]

Put a nearly empty milk bottle back in the fridge.
Turn on all the lights in the house and leave.
Tell them at 10pm that I need something desperately for the next day that they have absolutely no way of getting in time.

Your turn.

I forgot - I will make sure that my extreme fussiness with food restricts the family meal planning, then announce that I am going out so won't be home for dinner for 3 nights of the week, but that I will "definitely" heat it up if she puts it in the fridge for me. I will then watch her throwing out those 3 meals at the end of the week because I got a deliveroo or ate at work instead.

I will insist that I’m not hungry at all meal times.

Then sit on their sofa and beg for snacks and drinks.

I will ask my dd to apply false eyelashes 1 minute before the taxi is due to arrive, text and keep looking at my phone while she's trying to do it and then rant and rave they're not on properly whilst telling her she's ruined my life.

! If I’d done this to my mum I’m not sure I would have survived to adulthood

I will continually ask them all the time where the other people are in the flat and what they are doing even if it would literally take 10 seconds to walk through all the rooms to find out myself....

These are all making me feel so much better. I thought my teen was uniquely slobby, rude and entitled and thought it must be my fault somehow. But they all are!

Insist on 'keeping them company' when they go to the loo. Empty out every drawer onto the floor in search of one particular item, ignoring the six other almost identical ones. 'Decorate' their kitchen walls with my own artwork, preferably in non-washable felt tip pen. Carefully place my dark underpants in the lights side of the basket, then cover it with something else so it's a lovely surprise after the was finishes. Demand a particular meal, then refuse to eat it.

If staying the night, I shall come into their room at 10minute intervals from 5am onwards until they have no choice to get up, then whinge that I'm tired and want a nap from 8am.

I can think of many more, but these will do for the first visit.

Make my hands good and sticky with jam or honey or whatever then fondle every piece of soft furnishings I can find

I’ll also offer them a cup of tea but neglect to tell them that it will take me at least an hour to actually do it.

Wipe my greasy hands all down their feshly painted walls and put their toothbrushes down the toilet... and deny all knowledge of how the got there

Arrive -grunt - grunt again, walk out.

Arrive at 5.30am and climb into bed with them, in-between them and their partner.

Make them watch a dance that I made up.

Turn up unannounced with 6 friends in tow and raid the fridge, leaving all packets on the kitchen side and remind them that they absolutely MUST NOT say anything that might embarrass me in front of said friends.

Leave a trail of half eaten food around the house and hide various things behind the couch.

@DomingoinLittleOakley omg exactly this with the fucking food already. It's finally killed what very, very little love I had for cooking after lockdown.

I'm going to insist that they order a massive takeaway - side dishes, all and sundry.

Afterwards - I will make sure that all their spoons, knives and forks are thrown out with the rubbish.

I have disappearing cutlery - can only think that it's been 'carelessly' thrown away with their takeaway rubbish.

I'm off to visit my daughter soon so I'm making notes!

Pee all over every single one of the new toilet rolls.

In going to put crap down the back of their TV unit. So much crap.

I'm a bit of a slob now I live alone and the first two are what I do, except the shoes can be in lots of places, especially the downstairs loo.

And I hope you will also ask Are we nearly there yet? every nano second from the moment we leave home, especially on a 350 mile journey!

Post crisps and cars into their dvd player while in the general vicinity anyway.

Cars. That deny the laws of physics as they don't fit through the slot, but in there anyway. All 9 of them.

Poo in the bath then block the plughole with it.

Wake in the night, walk to their bed just to vomit in it, then go back to your own clean, warm bed.

Similarly walk into their bedroom at first light, poo on the floor so they have something warm to step into as they wake up.

I think you can tell the age of people's children from this thread 😁

In no particular order I will;

Vomit all over a sweatshirt and leave it festering inside a plastic carrier bag for several weeks.

Make toast/sandwiches and leave butter ridden knife and crumbs all over chopping board. Every. Single. Time.

Ask them to get a dog, promise on pain of death and my life that I will do EVERYTHING all the time for said dog. Then I will conveniently become deaf and blind, leaving other people to tend to my dog.

Move into the spare room, sleep all day and shout loudly on my phone or yell at my gaming friends at all hours of the night.

Create a recycling mountain in the spare room.

Splash pee on the floor and blame everyone else.

Pretend I don't know them or am embarrassed by their total stupidity and lameness but be ok with them giving me lifts or money (just drop me a bit further away from where I need to be 👍)

There are more but I'm starting to come across as bitter 😕

Spend hours making a cake when no one else is allowed in the kitchen GET OUT then ineptly wipe the work surfaces so they sort of look clean but are irritatingly sticky, and make sure I use every work surface and every single bowl and utensil. Then allow them a tiny bit of the cake while they have a massive chunk because I MADE IT ALL BY MYSELF

While you're leaving crushed up, half eaten yoghurt pots with the spoons still in, don't forget to leave a random one in some inexplicable place so they can deal with a swarm of fruit flies. Or chuck a banana skin down the back of the sofa. Same effect.

Love it !!!

Also, find out what time they need to leave for an outing, disappear upstairs for over an hour to 'get ready' then wait for them to call that it's time to get in the car and yell 'you didn't warn me I'm still in my PJs' and let them work themselves into a frenzy telling me to hurry up while I take my time and particularly spend at least 15 minutes making sure my mascara is completely perfect.