What kind of mum are you?

[Lwren]

Very keen to read and learn from others. This isn't to bash anyone for how they parent or don't parent, I genuinely want to be nosy about how you'd describe yourself as a parent.

I'm a "kids are bathed daily, yet always filthy" mum.

Were just very ordinary. Play outside, go the park, walk, beaches etc
Read books about Dinosaurs shitting princesses, make crispy cakes and tell fart jokes.
Always hanging out together and cuddly.

I wonder lots though, is it enough? Should I be doing more? I read posts from parents who's kids do shit tons of activities, every Pinterest mum has their kid eating snack boards that look like professional caterers have whipped them up, do I need to get my kids tutors?! I'm not the brightest if I'm honest and I never want that to get in the way of their progress.

Is just being a nice mum enough in this day and age? I fear not. Anyone else?

This thread is putting me to shame. I'm a 'everybody fed, nobody dead' type mum

I'm a good mum in that my lovely teenagers have turned out great.

I didn't overthink things or stress about one on one time, what they ate, how much tv they watched. Basically a complete opposite to the MN martyr enmeshed mums (no offense intended).

I've never done imaginary play and sometimes they watched a dvd to go to sleep too because I couldn't be bothered to read a story to them. Went through a stage of chicken nuggets and paperplates when I was depressed for a while when they were younger and it didn't kill them.

I love them and I'm so proud of them but I've always felt that my job was to make them as independent as possible and set them up for a decent adult life. I've also been a sp for a lot of their childhood. They were in strict routines, bedtimes and did have to listen to me. There wasn't time for a half hour discussion about what colour tshirt they wanted to wear and their feelings on it 😂. I'm sure the amount of anxiety dc feel nowadays is related to how much control they have as children don't feel safe when the adult isn't in charge.

I'm 100% happy with the way I brought them up and the mum I've been. Not perfect but not trying to be perfect either and my needs have mattered too. I'd hate my dd to have dc and be consumed and lose herself in motherhood so hopefully I've been a good role model.

I’d say I’m a ‘try my best most of the time’ mum. I try to make sure they drink enough, eat enough fruit and veg and get fresh air. We are NT members and also have a very active dog so getting outside is really important to us. I am a very affectionate kissy/cuddly kind of mum and am constantly telling DC how wonderful/handsome/funny/clever they are 😂 my mum would say similar things to me as a child (even if they aren’t true!!) we read together every night. We watch films, bake, cook together. If they ask me to play a board game I’ll say yes maybe half the time 😉 I never miss a nativity or parents evening but struggle to get time off for the little events at school.

On the other hand, my eldest is 9 and almost definitely has too much screen time. I worry I am on my phone too much and I have definitely worked too much over the last few years and missed quite a lot. I feel very guilty about the amount of time DC spend at wrap around childcare. They eat too much sugar and the house is such a bomb site most of the time.

Look. Don't knock yourselves. I look back and think I wasn't the best mum and not anything like as good as I could have been. I remember being shouty (but didn't scream at them!). Yet all 3 of my adult children love me. Come home to me. Trust me with their children. And one of them told me she had a wonderful childhood and wants to bring her 3 children up in the same way. So I reckon if you love your children and show it, give them firm boundaries to kick against, be interested in their education (but don't be a helicopter parent), and be their port in any storm - ie be a parent - you'll do fine. No one's a perfect parent and we all have our struggles (financial or private problems) but give your kids a big ang and be very glad they've got YOU as their mum.

And for me, the most important thing my husband and I ever did was to read them bible stories, tell them about Jesus, take them to great churches and the minute they hit 16, tell them that from then on, it was their decision as to whether or not they had any faith in Jesus.

I'm a busy bee mum. I think I'm the opposite of agoraphobic if that makes sense, so I'm always taking DS out. To the beach (local), park, library, soft play, , grans, horse riding. I'm so excited for when we can camp and hike together.

I was a let’s make some pictures out of autumn leaves, make a paper mache zoo, ride our bikes and look out for rabbits, count roadkill on long trips, Sport encouraged, long walks in the hills, taught DS how to cook and I mean actual dinners not just baking so much from age 11.

We always read stories and we also tutored at home in addition to DS going to school. DH and I are competitive by nature, DS is the same, Monopoly is a bloodbath. Never deliberately let him win. Also made him do chores and taught him about money from a young age. Very much a work hard and play hard environment.

I am Chinese, DH is white so he had watered down Asian style parenting. Much stricter than his white friends but nowhere near as strict as mine.

I think I was a good enough mum and hope I still am. But my now grown-up son did once say to me 'Mum, I'll bet when you were at university you were one of those slightly hippy girls who was very picky about who she went out with.' This was so true that it made me realise that he knows me just as well as I know him.

I'm an organised chaos mum, I do my best and that's what matters. I don't have any family/ support other than my partner who is great and a very hands on dad but works long hours mon-fri so is only able to help on the weekends. I somehow manage to come across 'very organised' to others but I'm often last minute. I lock myself in the loo for a few minutes alone time at least twice a week & wish I was more outdoorsy as I feel guilty when we stay home but I do make it fun. My family doesn't go without, we enjoy creating lovely memories and I remind myself often to make the most of their childhood as I will never get this time back.

A medicare mum I think.

I am pretty relaxed parent. We don't have loads of rules. I try and treat them as individual people who deserve respect. I place natural consequence boundaries and don't do punishments. Talk to them like adults and listen to what they have to say.

I try my best to give them both what they need but also want as in if they show an interest in a hobby or subject I'll break my back trying to make it a possibility for them to go and do that thing.

I take them out to fun places and to do fun things. Try and do activities with them at home.

Tell them I love them regularly.

But also I'm autistic and my emotional regulation is awful. I am disorganised and tbh they see me loose my temper and cry or shout far more then I think is acceptable. There have been times when I have been crying and the kids have comforted me and that feels awful but at some point I'll get overwhelmed and it'll happen again. At times I feel like I must be a shit mum due to my lack of emotional stability and worry they will look back as adults and be angry with me about it.

I would be be a better mum if I could but I really try my best.

I tried to give them the childhood (3DC- 28, 19&17) I wished I had. Organised, demonstrative, loving, present, offering a non-judgemental ear and always make a huge fuss of even the smallest event, etc.
DC28 recently said he had the best childhood ever and hoped he could be as good a parent.
We had secondary infertility and struggled to conceive DC2. They all know how much they were wanted. I shudder when I hear how some parents tell their DC they were a mistake or scapegoat others.
No one is perfect. We all make mistakes but I don't feel guilty because I know I put them first and tried the best I could.

Strict in many ways, lax in others probably. I had a chaotic childhood myself and got pregnant with him when I was still a child. So I had to grow up far sooner than I should have.

In some ways this has made me strict and keen for him to be independent. For example I do not run around after him giving him lifts everywhere (he is 15) we do not live rurally and there is plenty of public transport, he can use that or his legs. Chores are not and never will be optional, I'm not a skivvy and as a single mum I don't want him to grow up thinking chores are woman's work. I expect him to keep his own bedroom tidy, put clothes in the wash basket, do dishes and change his own bed.

On the flip side I'm fairly lax about things like screen time.

Oh and I tell him I love him every day. Always will.

I find it quite sad that so many people on here equate not being perfect with not being a good mum.
Mums are humans too. Giving fish fingers for tea does not make you a bad mum or a less than perfect mum.

Good enough, at least most of the time.

I'm good at saying yes, where I can. I was/am always prepared to get messy/have their friends over/bake the cake/give lifts/facilitate the things they want to happen.
I'm good at taking an interest in their stuff - I actually quite like cricket these days, having found it deadly dull until DS started playing.
I have very flexible work patterns, so I've always been able to make myself available.
I'm slow to react to things - I'm pretty calm and non-judgmental. I'm good at leaving space for their opinions.
I'm kind and interested.

I have to work on emotional availability. I have a tendency to clam up/withdraw in upsetting situations and I don't think that's a helpful response.
I grew up in a religious, fairly stiff-upper-lip environment and (though the religion is no longer a part of my life at all) I have to work on instigating difficult conversations (though I'm pretty good if kids raise them) and showing emotions.
I'm a people-pleaser, and I'm not a natural advocate for my kids, though again this is something I recognise and try to manage.
I lack confidence in my own decisions/values - I'm not sure if I go along with things because I can't face changing them or because I think it's the right thing to do.

I think I’m a good mum. I work full time, DD gets quite a lot of screen time, we rarely cook from scratch, the house is a mess and not the cleanest. Bath times are irregular and not as frequent as maybe they should be. We are sick a lot due to nursery, exhausted, pulled in many directions and having a tricky time in our marriage. I don’t measure my being a mother by any of those things.

I love DD more than anything else in the world, and I give her lots of affection. I try to be present as much as I can when I’m with her. I impose boundaries for her. I give her as much of my time as I can and take her out and about as much as possible. I put her needs before my own- I do try with the food and offer as healthy meals as I can based on what she will eat plus trying new things. I read to her as much as I can. I organise activities based on what I think she will enjoy and play with her at home but make space for independent play. I’m warm and praise her all the time for being brave, clever, kind, strong etc and tell her I love her all the time. We laugh together a lot. I listen to her. I do everything I can to keep her safe whilst allowing age appropriate independence. She is the first thing I think about in any life decision I make. My DH is basically the same and nobody would call him not a good dad.

I manage to get DC to have a bath once a week and I avoid cooking as much as possible.

Most evenings are spent with me nagging about screen time. Holidays, we go to the seaside or birdwatching together.

I’m an awful one due to repeating MH issues (one PND breakdown and then a much worse relapse)
I have to live with my parents even though I have a beautiful home with my husband, because I can’t cope on my own at the moment.
Every day I drag myself up to get her ready for childminder, I spend time teaching her things and reading books/playing and I religiously bathe her and put her to bed every night.
But it’s a far cry from when I was looking after her alone, taking her to playgroups and to the zoo. Or the days of breastfeeding and co-sleeping and spending hours staring into her beautiful face wondering how I made such a perfect baby.
Mentally I’m somewhere else most of the time and don’t feel the love and joy for her that I should.
At the moment she’s the only reason I’m here and not 6 ft under by my own doing.
But I do my best to make sure she doesn’t know that (she’s 2.5) and pray that things get better for me.

I'm the firm but fair Mum.
I listen to their problems and offer advice if I can. I don't spoil them with toys or designer goods but they have too much screen time and junk food, they are also well behaved and polite and are doing well at school.
I feel like I've righted many of the wrongs my parents did. My DH is a great parent too, I couldn't have done this single handedly and we back each other up.

The best thing I've done as a mum is pick the most wonderful person in the world to be my son's dad. My husband is an exceptional parent. I fall into the ok parent category 😅

Mine are 19 and 21 and I now accept that I was actually a good mum because they are well-adjusted, useful, kind, independent, and honest members of society. And what more could I want?

My only absolute non negotiable rules were
+No jumping on beds (I was injured as a child and it haunted me)
+Cycling helmets every single trip
+Car seats (booster seats latterly) until 12 or 145cm (as per most EU country laws)
+No eating in car (risk of choking at 70mph and me seeing it happen in rear view mirror)

And my goals for them were
+GCSE passes in maths and English
+own teeth and no fillings at age 16

And we achieved all of those 🤣
Setting realistic goals is the only way to win at life

@Lwren you have pretty much described me as a Mum! His Dad is a bit more serious and strict so it balances out and our child is a very well behaved child.

I'm doing the best I can do although there is always room for improvement. I don't care what other mums are doing, their kids aren't my concern. I'm focused on my own tribe. Im a working mum. Providing them with a roof over their heads, a clean, tidy, safe home, with rules and discipline but lots of love and laughter is the aim. I cook home cooked meals 90% of the time because I want to and prioritise it.They are read or listened to every night I make sure to do 10 minutes of maths and English with them 3x a week. They do extracurricular which are managed by dh and I. I'm not a martyr but I do put them first and it's a privilege to be their mum.

I think similar to @CrapBucket, I did the best I could given the circumstances I faced at the time. I loved them, hugged them, tried to be gentle/kind with them. They're grown and seem generally okay.

I try to be a good one whilst grieving losing my own mother at 27 when pregnant with my first. They have a bath every day, clean pjs; lots of stories, jigsaws, crafts, playgroups I'm a sahm so they get my best and worst bits, I think I picked them an amazing father.