What kind of mum are you?

[Lwren]

Very keen to read and learn from others. This isn't to bash anyone for how they parent or don't parent, I genuinely want to be nosy about how you'd describe yourself as a parent.

I'm a "kids are bathed daily, yet always filthy" mum.

Were just very ordinary. Play outside, go the park, walk, beaches etc
Read books about Dinosaurs shitting princesses, make crispy cakes and tell fart jokes.
Always hanging out together and cuddly.

I wonder lots though, is it enough? Should I be doing more? I read posts from parents who's kids do shit tons of activities, every Pinterest mum has their kid eating snack boards that look like professional caterers have whipped them up, do I need to get my kids tutors?! I'm not the brightest if I'm honest and I never want that to get in the way of their progress.

Is just being a nice mum enough in this day and age? I fear not. Anyone else?

I think I was a great mum until I went back to work when DS was 3. It went seriously downhill from then as I just have less time and less emotional energy. So there is less of the crafting, baking etc but I know that he is a happy wee soul and he deals very well with the fact that I am the mum who will forget things and just is not organised enough. He is quite good at finding solutions, so something good has come from it!

I recognise the posters name.

Please feel free to say ‘I got that wrong, sorry about unjustifiably throwing insults at you’

fuck me

@Seejee82 you are ruining the thread for other people with this persistent attempt to start a fight with me.

You misread my post, even after I explained what I had meant, you persisted in being insulting and aggressive.

I ‘know’ SleepingStandingUps username, she has twins.

Now, will you pack it in?

Usually rate myself pretty poorly as flying solo with pretty young kids, have a demanding FT job and very little support, so very often unable logistically to do things that are “normal” to a 2.4 family. However I was genuinely intrigued reading this thread and asked my eldest what kind of mum
i am, and got told I was the best mum ever.
Too often in insta perception of life now we thing everyone else is doing better, but that’s not what matters !

Depending what mood I'm in, I'd say great mum/ shit mum.
4 dc
I've always played with them all lot. Silly games in the garden, action figures, arts and crafts.
Read every night. Sang songs. Library.
Really outdoorsy. Park. Out door stuff all the time. kiss and cuddles
Cook.every day. I work but never missed school stuff like plays, assemblies- bar one. But Dh went.😀
But still feel crap.
Times when I didn't play. Remember dc 1 asking me to play and I said in a minute(when I've finished housework). Eventually they got sick of waiting and sat on sofa with dummy and Teddy.

I'd give anything to turn back time!

Probably been cross too many times. Too shouty. Could have done more.
I've still got 2 school age(early secondary). And I have so many regrets.

Not good enough really.

I mean, I love them fiercely and tell them every day. As babies/ young toddlers, I was big on attachment, co sleeping etc and v child led, probably to my detriment even though I was endlessly patient and present.

As they got older, trauma from my own abusive childhood surfaced, combined with untreated PND, and although I did my best, I drank too much, become shouty at times and withdrawn at others. I wasn’t the parent I wanted to be. All culminated in a huge breakdown to an extent I couldn’t work for a year. I was diagnosed with bipolar. My partner was amazing and we both did our best to explain to the kids in an age appropriate way and for me to remove myself when needed. However, I did read to them and do bedtime every night.

I will always carry the guilt , it must have affected them. Although we remain close.

Fortunately for them, and me, I am much better: stable on medication, alcohol free, in therapy, back at work - and consequently a better parent again, at least good enough. I just hope that we protected them enough.

Day to day, I am (now) generally calm, laid back, encourage independence and adventure. I am good at going out on adventures with them - woods, beaches and so on, rock climbing, hiking etc. At home, they have too much screen time, as do I, and I am crap at playing with them but good at chatting and reading books. I do still get stressy and shouty though but maybe once or twice a week as opposed to daily.

I try my best. Somedays though, it's not enough.
My children have everything they need, not everything they want.
I say "no" to far more reasonable requests (trips to the park after school, for example) than perhaps I should & I absolutely yell & swear a whole load more than I should too.
Their father is infinitely more patient with them than I am which has been a revelation as I'd always have believed that it would be the other way 'round.
We live in a fundamentally clean & somewhat tidy home (it's a work in progress) in a nice-ish area.
I'm sure to the outside, we have our shit somewhat together - the kids are clean, nicely dressed, they have nice friends, they are generally polite & (mostly) well-behaved, we are on time, we're prepared for any eventuality (my colossal "mum-bag" is never far away).
I definitely feel I could do better though.

You sound lovely and have been fiercely strong when faced with quite a few difficulties . Don’t be hard on yourself, you sound like a wonderful role model for your children

I'm alright. But being a teacher has meant that work has always come first. So if I've ever taught your kid, your kid has had the best of me.

My mum was a better mum when we were little. But then, I get teens better than she did.

I think I'm the kind of mum my dad would have been. It has its advantages. My kids are resilient and laid back. They're ready for the big wide world. I've given them loads of experiences and love them the way they want to be loved: from afar for ds and completely for dd.

Oh, and I reckon they'll be pissed off that I've never been fully on their side- the teacher in me always suspects I'm given half the story. I envy parents who are always convinced their kid is the greatest and don't question. I suspect their kids feel more supported.

I think I’ll admit that I’ve been a bit of a tiger parent in the past. Filed with a desire for my kids to succeed and do well, especially as we’re in a school with about 35% Chinese background families and my god they love an after school activity so it’s easy to get swept along.

However, since our long covid lockdown (I’m in Australia) and seeing the kids actually choosing to read or do Lego instead of just being pulled from one activity to another and always in a stress and rush, I’ve pulled right back.

In some ways it’s been a bit of a struggle (for me!) letting go of violin lessons (he honestly was just not very good) and pulling back on tennis (we were never going to do the level that it would take for them to be amazing) and letting them just hang out. I struggle with the amount of screen time, but this is something I work on a lot. We do a lot of other stuff at weekends but I’ve just had to learn to let them have fun and not have everything be a “learning experience”.

on the other hand I’ve always made a conscious decision to listen to them, try not to shout and apologise if I do, take an interest in their interests, be on their side and say yes to more things than I say no to. And they’re both really nice kids although I basically feel that you get who you get and although as a parent you can round off the corners, they are who they are and there isn’t much you can do to change that.

I love my son with every fibre of my being.

He has a cosy home which people visit often :). Everything he needs. Does lots of fun extra curricular stuff including play dates.

He knows he is adored and supported. He’s very happy.

Where I fall short

• on my phone too much for sure
• he has too many sweets
• his diet isn’t the best :(
• we should do more reading/writing practise with him (we do some)

I'm a low standards kind of mum. I noticed (totally anecdotally) before I had kids that the people I knew who weren't enjoying motherhood were the ones who were determined to do it just right. So I made the conscious choice not to put too much pressure on myself.

I married into a very competitive family, so being able to step back from any comparisons was

Posted to soon was probably more beneficial for my mental health than I would have predicted.

They definitely breast fed for longer than me (because I didn't), certainly spent more money on Christmas than me, give more nutritiously balanced meals, are stricter than me and do more curriculum enrichment, but it's all good because we're pretty fucking happy as we are.

I strive for "good enough". I'm definitely not perfect.....my DDs have too much screen time and I can get stressed sometimes. I'm also lazy.... if there's a shortcut or easy option I'll take it.

My main priorities are that they feel safe and secure, that I tell them I love them and am proud of them and they know they can always talk to me about things that are on their mind. I tell them often that I'm on their team and that I love them more than anything. I tell them to be kind to others and to try their best. I hope that's enough.

I try to be very present. We don't have family nearby so me and dh are their everything. I try to pick them up from school every chance I can, and very rarely spend a day away from them. I love the school holidays and hanging out with them. I get a bit overexcited and plan a lot, but our plans are small. We go to the library, park etc. I really enjoy their company and I think they know it. I'm the mum who sits next to them as they fall asleep every night. I'm not amazing at food or cooking but they are healthy. They do lots and lots of craft because they love it. We read and sing a lot. They have no technology but I am happy for them to watch tv as much as they want really. I hope they feel relaxed in their own home. Our door is always open for their friends. They don't do much extra curricula as it's hard to organise and we like being together. We all rely on each other a lot. They are rarely with any other adult except us.

@Changer25
Thank you. That means a great deal.

For me it was a priority to take a few minutes of time for me each day. I used it to out on make up and do my hair. In the early stages that was foundation and lip gloss as the kids got older it got more. It was important for me to know that each day there was a few minutes focused on me. My children got used to it and didn't get into too much stuff.

It was not about being a "yummy mummy' it was about a bit of self-care and mindfulness. And yes there is time for that just.got to find out what you want.to use it on.

Husband and I are fairly outdoorsy (I can't handle a whole day spent indoors) but my kids aren't really interested. We drag them outside for walks but most of the time I wish I was on my own as they either complain about it (fair enough, one's a teenager!) or talk my ear off about something that happened at school. I hope they will learn to love nature when they are older and that perhaps I have planted the seed of a healthy lifestyle but at the moment I am not convinced.

I’m a “there for them” mum. Work full time but never missed a nativity/ sports day/ parents evening and always available to talk, even if it’s on the phone in work. Know what’s going on in their lives (and their friends! Often in detail…). They come to me for advice, and for comfort (even the teens). They snuggle up on the sofa with me, and come on dog walks. I help with homework and (when asked) GCSE and A Level revision.
I’m also the disorganised mum, rushing everywhere just in time and doing last minute world book day costumes.