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Original poster

Are you close with your mum?

130 replies

SamanthaVimes · 11/10/2022 17:16

I’m not particularly close with my DM. Not unfriendly but we don’t spend lots of time together and didn’t get on well when I was a teen.

I have 2 DC now and they’re only little but thinking about the future what have your DMs done to help support a close relationship?

OP posts:
ReeseWitherfork · 11/10/2022 17:26

My mum takes on a lot of my emotional baggage… she seems to take the brunt of my downs. But she also gets my ups. We have a lot of fun together. We’ve worked through some absolute shit to get to this place though.

Mary46 · 11/10/2022 17:32

Hi op she was always rather difficult. She elderly now. Im polite we dont do stuff together. Mean to kids. Its def hard when u see these tight knit families.

Atmywitsend29 · 11/10/2022 17:39

I have been no contact with my mother for 5 years.

DH is a proper mummy's boy. We see her at least once a week as a family and he is at her beck and call. He takes her shopping, helps her in her house, drives her wherever she wants to go. He talks to her alot aswell. They have a good relationship.

Oblomov22 · 11/10/2022 17:46

God yes. I adore her, she's amazing. I probably speak to her about once a week, tell her everything. We went on holiday together just us to Tallinn last month.

Hbh17 · 11/10/2022 17:50

No. Not at all. No way.

Damnautocorrect · 11/10/2022 17:51

No, we are very very low contact, probably nearer no contact.
we just can’t have a relationship. It’s too hard. I’ve tried. I’ve really tried, as I’m sure she has. The past always repeats and rears it’s head.

it does make me sad when you see tight knit families, I know how much they are missing out on with my dc - and visa versa if they could have a good relationship.

I do worry I’ve not modelled a good relationship for my dc, that they might not realise what it takes to have a close relationship with your family.

MassiveSalad22 · 11/10/2022 17:53

No but I really hope I am to my kids, and that they are to each other. DH and I are not close to our siblings so I don’t know why I feel so sure that our kids will be close as adults.

I dunno, my mum has always been super annoying but I have more empathy for her as I get older. I wouldn’t say we’re close - she doesn’t help herself as whenever I’m vulnerable with her there’s a little off comment, even when I chat say to say stuff on WhatsApp I’m just met with a 👍🏻 Which I interpret as pass-agg and dismissive 😄

MassiveSalad22 · 11/10/2022 17:54

*day to day

CactusPricks · 11/10/2022 17:54

No.. she will text on birthdays and Christmas and that's about it. She doesn't remember the ages of my DC, and they wouldn't know her if they bumped into her in the street.

We are close to MIL though, we see her several times a week, she lives 5 minutes down the road and helps with school pick ups when we are both working

IntentionalError · 11/10/2022 17:54

Not particularly. We have never fallen out, and there’s no dramatic history between us, but the reality is that we are very different people with very different attitudes, values, views and levels of education. We don’t have much in common and, if we were not related, we probably wouldn’t be friends. There is no point getting upset about this; it is what it is.

Wibbly1008 · 11/10/2022 17:55

I am really close with my daughters but have an odd relationship with my mum. I think it’s made me more openly affectionate with my kids and I like a good laugh with them which my mum was never interested in.

WinterCollieWobble22 · 11/10/2022 17:56

No, had to go grey rock with mine 20 years ago. She's awful at times

Even today I had a shirty text message from her and I showed DH and said 'promise me I'm not like her'

I love my son so much more than she ever loved me

ThreeRingCircus · 11/10/2022 18:00

SamanthaVimes · 11/10/2022 17:16

I’m not particularly close with my DM. Not unfriendly but we don’t spend lots of time together and didn’t get on well when I was a teen.

I have 2 DC now and they’re only little but thinking about the future what have your DMs done to help support a close relationship?

I would say my relationship with my mum is similar. Not unfriendly but not particularly close.....and teen years were hell (I'm sure she'd say the same!)

From my POV I don't think she had a lot of time for me. Part of that is I have brothers and sisters (I'm one of 4 siblings) and it was a huge factor in me deciding to stop at 2 children. Mum was too stretched and didn't have time to give us all individual attention, she was also very stressed a lot of the time. I didn't want that for my DDs.

I also feel like she pushed me too hard academically. I get it, I was a bright kid and she'd been pushed by her parents but as an example she cried and said she was disappointed when I got one B in my GCSEs (I had straight A* and As otherwise). I'd been really happy with my results but I then felt like I'd disappointed her and let her down. I always remember at a time when I was feeling proud of myself it wasn't good enough for her. I've tried to learn from that and encourage my DDs and tell them I'm proud of them.

ScarlettOHaraHamiltonKennedyButler · 11/10/2022 18:17

No. I used to be, and to the outside it may still appear that I am but it seems the more successful I am, and the more I have (house/cars/holidays) the more bitter she becomes, in particular bitter because my (lazy useless excuse for a man) brother doesn't have these things. I was set up to be the 'failure' and I'm afraid I didn't play ball.

I'm not bragging btw I am very 'middle' and not claiming to be rich at all, but I know how she spoke about people like me (i.e. women who work or who have opinions and aren't just an upaid maid to their husband) and so it is no reach to know that she says the same about me.

For my daughter, I plan on not setting low expectations or deciding how her life should turn out. I will expect her to choose a life partner that doesn't treat her like shit rather than expecting her to and being horribly jealous when she doesn't. I will support her life choices and not put my own insecurities on to her.

erikbloodaxe · 11/10/2022 18:26

We have a great relationship now she's dead.

Soproudoflionesses · 11/10/2022 18:31

Definitely became closer to my mum after l had dd. Yes l would say we are close and l can usually tell her anything.
But she drives me mad sometimes and isn't always open to other ways of thinking - she says it's her age but l don't agree - l think she has always been like that

DoodlePug · 11/10/2022 18:32

Nope. She was never particularly interested in me as a child (iirc) although in hindsight she had bad depression which she was only treated for in her 50s.

We live a fair way apart, only saw her at Xmas for years until I had dc then it became a visit every few months.

The relationship is fine, similar to how you'd be with work colleagues.

Another poster mentioned relationship deteriorating as she became more successful. Mines kind of the opposite, i think she'd be prouder of me if I appeared more successful, had a big house and nice car etc. What they don't know is we're choosing to save and invest for dc future so we live a comfortable but basic life and have plenty in the bank, if she knew she'd be horrified 😆

AMessageToYouRuby · 11/10/2022 18:51

Yes, but culturally we are more family orientated than British people seem to be.

I think some of it is conditioning, in that I see from my grandparents and in my extended family close relationships. Lots of multi-generational homes and mothers being very involved. MN, if representative of British families seems to have lots of focus on the nuclear family and not much outside of that.

I don't think it's about necessarily being the kindest/funniest/spendiest/most available/whatever other positive trait type of mother (obviously, in cases of abuse this is all void).

I'm not close with my mother because she is a perfect parent. She, like most of us is human and highly flawed and certainly in adulthood the dynamic has changed and I've had to be forgiving, but I imagine she could say the same for me. On occasion I've had to tell her she's incredibly fucking irritating, and vice versa, but it's no big deal, there is an acceptance of ups and downs. I apply the same tolerance to my parents and siblings that I do to my children. I prioritise and value the relationship because my mother prioritises the relationship.

therubbiliser · 11/10/2022 18:54

We used to be very close. She was someone whose opinion I valued enormously and she was a fantastic grandmother to my children but we haven’t spoken in nearly 5 years due to a huge family rift. A real pity because I adored her but necessary for my mental well-being.

Borgonzola · 11/10/2022 18:55

No. We're not LC but she's just not very interested in my life. I had my first child 3 months ago and she doesn't tend to ask after us. If I send pics she might comment on them but that's about it. I'm used to it really. If I see my parents it's because I've organised it, rather than them saying they want to see us.

I'm very close with my MIL, though.

Cece92 · 11/10/2022 18:56

I'm am close to my mum. We have disagreements but I am close to her as is my sister. I am that very annoying clingy parent with my DD. I always tell her if she ever has kids I'm moving in to be a live in nanny. The thought of her moving and leaving me hurts my heart a lot (I know it's part of growing up) however she's very attached to me at 9 and is up for it 😂😂 not sure her future partner will be so chuffed 😂 xxx

embarrassinglythis · 11/10/2022 18:56

No. I'd love to know what it's like if anyone wants to share.

icelollycraving · 11/10/2022 18:58

I adore her. I’m the favourite and I can speak to her in a way my sisters can’t and get her to listen. I speak to her daily. She is a complex woman who can be so challenging but I will be lost without her when the time comes. She is my best friend.

Deflatedsponge · 11/10/2022 18:58

She’s my best friend. We speak every day, see each other loads and she’s been brilliant since I’ve had my kids. We didn’t have a great relationship from when I was about 12-18 because she was an alcoholic, but she really turned her life around and I couldn’t be prouder of her. It actually makes me really emotional, I feel very lucky.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 11/10/2022 18:59

I’m non contact at my instigation and I couldn’t be happier about it.