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Original poster

Are you close with your mum?

130 replies

SamanthaVimes · 11/10/2022 17:16

I’m not particularly close with my DM. Not unfriendly but we don’t spend lots of time together and didn’t get on well when I was a teen.

I have 2 DC now and they’re only little but thinking about the future what have your DMs done to help support a close relationship?

OP posts:
missmamiecuddleduck · 11/10/2022 20:16

She's passed now.
I thought we were at times.
I think she had a difficult life and one that was expected, rather than wanted.
She had 5 children and even though she cared for us, I don't think she really wanted to be a mother.
I think it made her bitter and resentful towards us. She really hated when we were successful at anything.

mamatoTails · 11/10/2022 20:17

Yes, I speak to my mum everyday, text a few times too,
FaceTime with the DC.
My parents live about 4 streets away so we see them all the time!

ReachedTheEndofCake · 11/10/2022 20:17

Not at all. It’s been years since I’ve seen her. Wouldn’t even recognise her voice on the phone I don’t think. It’s been years. My MIL is lovely though.

Rockingcloggs · 11/10/2022 20:25

I'm incredibly close to both my M&D and my DS & BIL - in fact I work for my BIL! I see my parents Monday/Wednesday/Friday when I pick my son up from their house. Also equally as close to my in laws who we see Tuesday/Thursday.

Our family have always been very harmonious and we all help each other out. We socialise together and go on holiday together.

We're not particularly 'friends' kind of people in that we don't have many close friends but are definitely 'family' people.

Battlecat98 · 11/10/2022 20:27

Hi Samantha your relationship sounds very much like mine. It was tricky growing up, didn't ever discuss anything personal and she was a bit heavy handed and would put me down and call me things.

I have a dd 14 who I try to be the complete opposite with, I do see my mum not weekly but we will never be close, I don't think I will ever get over that, I am still afraid to say no to my mum as she had a vicious temper.

I ensure my dd knows l am always available to talk about anything. I think we have a great relationship.

ItsStardustBackAgain · 11/10/2022 20:30

No. She hasn’t called me in years. I call her every month ish and we have a nice long chat but it’s always a little awkward and boring for both of us.

I always get the strong impression that she much prefers my siblings, who she sees often.

(To be fair, I much prefer my Dad. He never wants to chat though!)

I know when she dies I’ll wish we’d been closer, but I don’t know how to fix it.

DrunkenKoala · 11/10/2022 20:36

No.

She doesn’t like me having a mind of my own and knowing what works for me, to the point where she’s tried to sabotage what I’ve been doing. I just think she is very spiteful therefore I’ve been non contact with her for about 6yrs.

pastaandpesto · 11/10/2022 20:39

No, sadly.

I adored her as a child and she was a fantastic parent to me and my older siblings when we young. But she and my father had a completely toxic relationship and life at home was miserable and did lasting damage to us.

Her mental health has always been poor but she has never taken any responsibility to address it, and when she is in a dark place she is incredibly vicious and bitter. No one is ever allowed to have had anything worse than her, and she has never acknowledged that although, yes, she had a shit marriage, that actually it was pretty shitty for us too. She has always slagged us off (my siblings and I) to one another for as long as I can remember, and it took me decades to realise just how much damage she did to our relationships with each other, which thankfully we are now rebuilding.

Basically she is a deeply miserable, unhappy person, and being around her makes me miserable and unhappy too. It is terribly sad and I feel very very sad when I think back to the fact that we have had many wonderful times together over the years, when she has been in a good mood. But the anger and viciousness - for which she NEVER apologises - have really poisoned our relationship.

limitededitionbarbie · 11/10/2022 20:43

Rockingcloggs · 11/10/2022 20:25

I'm incredibly close to both my M&D and my DS & BIL - in fact I work for my BIL! I see my parents Monday/Wednesday/Friday when I pick my son up from their house. Also equally as close to my in laws who we see Tuesday/Thursday.

Our family have always been very harmonious and we all help each other out. We socialise together and go on holiday together.

We're not particularly 'friends' kind of people in that we don't have many close friends but are definitely 'family' people.

That sounds amazing. I'd of hoped I'd of had the same relationship with my DH parents but sadly they died before I met him. They'd be very proud of him. He is a good man.

Bonnieblueeyes · 11/10/2022 20:46

I'm incredibly close to my mum and it's not lost on me how lucky I am to be so close to not just her but my dad too and sisters.

My DH's mum passed away years ago and they had a very strained relationship sure to her addiction to alcohol and he doesn't speak to his dad. So since being with me my Mum and Dad have become his too!

I love having a close knit family and wish everyone could have what I have, I know it's very rare.

LibbyL92 · 11/10/2022 20:49

We’re very close! Work with each other, holiday twice a year together. And speak on the phone most nights.

she’s my absolute rock!

Screwcorona · 11/10/2022 20:52

My mother isn't really interested in me at all so I don't bother anymore. See her once a year. That's enough.

CassandraBarrett · 11/10/2022 21:05

Not really. Due to family circumstances growing up she wasn't able to give me much attention so we were not close. When I was a teenager she was always disapproving of my friends. As an adult she has stopped speaking to me on a number of occasions when she disagreed with decisions I made. When I went travelling for a year she opened all my bank statements, never mentioned it once to me and only told me when I came back and found all the letters that "she thought that's what I asked her to do". This was after internet banking was a thing.
My DH and I recently made a decision for our family. She disagreed and in telling us so managed to insult both of us separately, our marriage and our parenting. So now I am polite and she is welcome as she is a great GM to my DC.
I would not consider us to be close at all

MagpieCounting · 11/10/2022 21:09

My lovely mum is end of life with dementia and has been living with this godawful disease for more than 15 years.
But we are close and have been since my horrible teenager years.
She always made me feel listened to and made the effort to welcome my friends to the house, even if it meant feeding the 5000.
She is one of the kindest people I have ever met and adored being a nan - even now she'll respond to me talking about the kids when nothing else will get through.
I've never felt anything but supported by her (and my dad) and even when we argued or our views differed I knew I was loved.
She was and is positive and brilliant - and I hope I can be as a good a mum as she has been.

LadyApplejack · 11/10/2022 21:11

Yes, very.

She has backed and championed me my whole life, I've always felt totally loved and secure. She's guided me along, and always pulled rank as needed (still does!)

She's wise, utterly selfless, and great company. This all extends to my husband and children who love her to bits. I am so, so lucky.

TitaniasAss · 11/10/2022 21:12

My mum passed away 12 years ago now and I miss her every single day. We were very close. She was so kind and lovely. She was just awesome.

beachcitygirl · 11/10/2022 21:14

No. We are NC

Madremia06 · 11/10/2022 21:24

It's so interesting reading these because it makes me feel a little 'normal' !!
We love each other but I have never had a close relationship with her and she wouldn't be the first person I would run to if in need .. if I'm honest she can be great but quite narcissistic and I find that if we are in each others company too much I can't handle it. We end up arguing and I always end up the one upset - she seems to be able to just ignore me which can go on for weeks/months!
We live quite a distance and I sometimes feel like out of sight out of mind .

peanutbutterontoast7 · 11/10/2022 21:37

I've always been really close with my mum. She's always made me feel loved and accepted and like it's me and her before everyone else! I know she'd never let me down or say a bad word about me!
I've relied on her so much, emotionally, over the years and it's hard now to see her get older and for our relationship to change because of this.

I have two boys and I worry so much about not having the same closeness with them which I know isn't fair! I've just been very lucky my relationship with my mum. I worry that I smother them by showing them too much love but I'm just trying my best 🙈

theworldhasgoneinsane · 11/10/2022 21:58

We are and we're not, if that makes sense. We either get in really well or argue because our values and opinions don't match up. She would do anything for me if I asked her to, which I really appreciate. But, she drives me mad in so many ways! (I don't think she knows that).

We were so close when I was a child, she was my world. But when I was a teen she did something which made me feed really betrayed and I don't think I've ever gotten over it.

BadAmbassador · 11/10/2022 21:59

I loved my mum very much but we didn't always get on well, she could be very critical. I have a very close relationship with my own DC, especially my daughters, we have the best relationship I could ask for.

theworldhasgoneinsane · 11/10/2022 22:00

BadAmbassador · 11/10/2022 21:59

I loved my mum very much but we didn't always get on well, she could be very critical. I have a very close relationship with my own DC, especially my daughters, we have the best relationship I could ask for.

My mum is also very critical. She doesn't think she is though so I try to let it go over my head!

PinkButtercups · 11/10/2022 22:01

Yes.
Speak to her everyday and see her every other day.

She's just always been there and a great nan.

tobee · 11/10/2022 22:01

Yes. She's very intelligent, well read, reads the newspaper every day, watches the news etc etc but can also be a great laugh.

She was always did counsellor/social work type jobs, largely in areas ahead of her time so she's great to talk about problems etc but now she's in her mid 80s and my dad is early stage dementia I try to balance worrying/burdening her with feeling like I still value her opinion.

She loves my dad and my sister and I.

Strangely I don't think she rates herself enough, she's pessimistic and probably felt she shouldn't be enjoying herself as much as she does. Fiercely unsentimental and very left wing!

warofthemonstertrucks · 11/10/2022 22:06

I about the same as you OP. Though my mum has a better relationship with my DD's than she did/does with me and they love her to be fair. She finds it harder now they are teens however-but she was great with them when they were little.