Are you close with your mum?

[SamanthaVimes]

I’m not particularly close with my DM. Not unfriendly but we don’t spend lots of time together and didn’t get on well when I was a teen.

I have 2 DC now and they’re only little but thinking about the future what have your DMs done to help support a close relationship?

Yes I do. She’s a very different personality to me - loud and bubbly whereas I’m quieter. I sometimes think she’d have liked a daughter more like her - ambitious and driven and the life & soul of the party. She’s never said it but I wonder if she’s disappointed that I’m quiet and although I did very well academically, I’m happy with my life and have no grand ambitions to climb the career ladder.

I had a fantastic relationship with my grandmother, who was very gentle and much more like me, and understood me.

DD is just like my Mum, very confident and outgoing, so perhaps they will have the kind of relationship I had with my grandmother.

Having said all that, I know she loves me, supports me, and always has my back. I love her very much.

Yes we are close . She and my dad help out a lot when I need them and went through a bad time last year which they were amazing for .
Me and my mum love chatting and they always come on holiday with us as I am a single parent.

We are emotionally close but physically distant. We text almost daily but can easily slip into bickering in company. She was very loving when I was young and became almost needy when I was in my teens and twenties. She was a teen mum and I don’t know if that added to the notion we were more like friends or sisters than parent/child. It has often felt like I’m more ‘sensible’ and she a free spirit. She moved away from the city where she raised me when I was in my late twenties (I’m early 50s now) and settled in various UK locations before recently moving to mainland Europe. We care for and love each other but we don’t have entwined lives.

@beachcitygirl @Izzywhizzyisverybusy

Sorry to hear you've both also fallen foul of 'the grudge' and the impossibility of trying to resolve hurt. I don't think it's us - if anything the amount of times I've tried has left me feeling proud of the way I conducted myself and how I responded in those conversations in spite of that role model, and hopeful that I will never myself be in the position of behaving similarly, having felt the impact of it so deeply.

It may have been a waste of time trying to get through to my DM or expecting her to be someone I'd like her to be (or just someone I like) rather than who she actually is but I suppose at least in wasting that time repeatedly trying to speak to her about it and getting the same self-serving nonsense back from her every time I've fully accepted now that it is not going to yield what I want, because the problem was never me. I grew up believing so many inherent negatives about myself viewing myself through the lens of her changeable opinion - which space apart has demonstrated don't apply, and other people don't think.

I'm not sure I'll ever be 'over' the absence of a mother and all that comes with that emotionally but I no longer have any need for her and won't carry the burden of her shortcomings any longer, I've done that enough. More than anything I think I feel sorry for her, I know she is deeply unhappy in herself and is absent of the tools needed to change that.

This says what I would say about mine too. She has always done everything with mine and DSis’s best interests at heart. I’m close to my sister too. And my mum was close to hers.

I’m genuinely amazed at how many people are not close to their mums. I had no idea.

Yes. She doesn't live near me, but we facetime every 2/3 days. She is lovely and we get on very well; sometimes we go on hols together.

Yes I am extremely close to my mum, but we still have our ups and downs. We go away often together, and she's extremely hands on and helpful with the grandkids, but we have been known to fall out. I have to "let alot slide" to keep things as friendly as they are, as I often don't agree with things she says and does, but I've learnt it's best not to mess with her! She's had a hard life, and has always been a great mum, so I try to remind myself that, when she's having one of her moments.

I could have written that

My mum has been dead for over 20 years, still miss her very much! She was just fabulous! Always there for us, always…I would phone her and I’d think I was bright and breezy and she’d say ‘what’s wrong?’ She could tell instinctively something was bothering me! She was very funny and we’d laugh our heads off, we just had to look at each other to know exactly what the other was thinking! R.I.P Sadie…you were the best! ❤️

I am emotionally very close to my mum. We don't meet often at the moment (due to geographical distance and other reasons), but we talk on the phone and I know she would 100% do anything for me and me for her.

I hope to have a similar relationship with my DC when they are adults.

My mum hasn't spoken to me in 3 years now. (I didn't actually do anything wrong not that that matters particularly)

We get on really well. We meet up probably about once a month. Her and my dad are joined at the hip and always busy, so difficult to coordinate diaries. But she never phones me just for a chat, which makes me sad. I have to phone them. She did used to email which was completely 🤔

I live about two hours away and we don't really have calls to catch up- neither of us are really built that way.

I do travel to see her every 6 weeks or so and it's always like no time has passed it all. We have a good natter about anything and everything, including any moaning as needed!

I love my mum to bits and would do anything for her. It's a shame I can't see her more often but we both work full time anyway so time is scarce.

Me and my DM were not close at all, she was I think a better mum than I am in many respects. We didn't really talk though. If I was away from home (uni and later when I moved out) she didn't call/ text/ visit that was down to me. She changed when I was pregnant as she really wanted to be a grandma. She visited me whilst I was pregnant and announced she was going to retire early to help with childcare which she did. The two of us didn't form a closer bond however she did do a lot of childcare and loved my little ones. I think from the outside it might have looked as though we were close. I tried to do a lot with her and do things for her too but it didn't change the fact that I couldn't talk to her about anything other than practical stuff or about the children.

I think like yours she was depressed. When she was later assessed with dementia they thought that depression had made her worse than she would otherwise be at that stage.

I don't like my mum I tolerate her.
She's always so negative towards me , my husband and her two grandchildren ( who can't stand the sight of her) she's very interfering and she is always right regardless.. I don't spend much time with her or phone.. I distance myself from her as she doesn't bring any joy into my life at all

Have just recently gone no contact with mine and wish I had done it 20 years ago. She irritates me and stresses me out.

Same. Mine is psychopathic in her treatment of people. She got away with it for decades, in part, because society believes that no Mother could be all bad.

My Mother defies societies expectations - she is rotten to the core and her only skill is causing misery.

I'm amazed the opposite way - how many are so close!

She got away with it for decades, in part, because society believes that no Mother could be all bad.

@Minimalme spot on. This is why mine got away with it too.

That's my mum to a tee

No. Anyone who has problems with family, I'd encourage to look up the toxic family dynamic. It's quite common and family members fall into different roles such as the scapegoat and golden child.

My mum died when I was a young kid so I’ll never know. My step-mum is fine; we aren’t particularly close but she’s there if I need help with anything. It’s amazing how many posters don’t have a good relationship with their mum because all I saw growing up were close relationships which made me very jealous.

I am sorry you lost your mum so young, that’s awful for you 💐.
The reason you probably didn’t see the awful mother daughter relationships when you were growing up is because (in my experience at least) it was kept firmly indoors (with threats if I said anything) with my mother pretending to the world she was a wonderful martyr. It’s only when you get older and stronger that you are finally able to reveal the truth of your crappy, horrible childhood.

@Stickmansmum :
"I’m genuinely amazed at how many people are not close to their mums. I had no idea."

I too am very sad to read so many posts of people not close: so few close.