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Original poster

Are you close with your mum?

130 replies

SamanthaVimes · 11/10/2022 17:16

I’m not particularly close with my DM. Not unfriendly but we don’t spend lots of time together and didn’t get on well when I was a teen.

I have 2 DC now and they’re only little but thinking about the future what have your DMs done to help support a close relationship?

OP posts:
MrsDThomas · 11/10/2022 19:00

she died when DS was 4 weeks old. I had 3 young kids and no mum to share it with. My kids have missed out on so much. We were very close.

14 yrs have gone by and it still gets me

MrsT84 · 11/10/2022 19:03

I couldn't be without my mum. She is my rock and the time she gives for me, my children and my siblings and their families is unbelievable. She has a brilliant bond with my children and we try and do ad much to help her as she does to help us. I had emergency spinal surgery last week and am not allowed to lift my baby. She has been here or had me to hers whenever my husband has been away from home. She was brilliant when my husband was in hospital earlier in the year too. I just hope she knows how grateful we are for her time and love. I hope I have a similar relationship with my DC when they are adults. Mum didn't have a good relationship with her parents or siblings so I am glad we don't follow that experience x

inheritanceshiteagain · 11/10/2022 19:06

I wasn't particularly close to my mother, but the age gap was larger than me and my daughter, and we are very close.

Powaqa · 11/10/2022 19:21

I adore my mom and we are extremely close but it hasn't always been like that. As a teenager and young adult we hated each other. I was about 35 when things slowly changed and now she is one of the most important people in my life we Skype 2 or 3 times a week, I go and stay with her her every 6 ish weeks. She is a fantastic grandmother as well as greatvgrandmother. I am absolutely scared and dreading the inevitable phone call that will come one day

HazeyjaneIII · 11/10/2022 19:28

I had a tricky relationship with my mum growing up and for years I felt quite bitter about a lot of my childhood and teen years. We were close despite the storminess.
I was worried when she moved to live near us when our children were little, but she was such a great nan. My kids adored her, she was anarchic and eccentric and they loved it, and it drove me mad...it changed our relationship.
She died suddenly in 2020, and I was hugely grateful that we had had those last few years together, and that she'd had a chance to be such a big part of my children's lives.
For all the tumultuousness of our relationship, I miss her so much.

barbrahunter · 11/10/2022 19:32

No I wasn't close to my mum, for a range of reasons. The older I get, the more I understand that she wasn't very nice to me when I was growing up.

Icandefinitelydothis · 11/10/2022 19:35

barbrahunter · 11/10/2022 19:32

No I wasn't close to my mum, for a range of reasons. The older I get, the more I understand that she wasn't very nice to me when I was growing up.

Same here.

I am terrified of turning out like my mother. I am working very hard to be different so my DC have a better experience.

Purplehonesty2 · 11/10/2022 19:36

No not really. She stresses me out!

Lifeisrelentless · 11/10/2022 19:42

No. I wish I was, I get down about it sometimes wishing I had a good mum. She had me when she was v young (18) and was good from
what I remember up until the age of about 11. Then it’s like she wanted to relive her lost youth and that’s when the drinking started. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’d see her absolutely off her face drunk, and no matter how many times I cried telling her how it upset me it never stopped her. She would always say I was dramatic because “she wasn’t an alcoholic as it wasn’t every day” but it was frequent enough to be very upsetting for me. I will never forgive her for it. Now I’m grown up with my own child she doesn’t really give me any support, she likes to see them but on her terms and gets the fun/cute side of it for a couple of hours. I’ve asked her to babysit twice- once she was working (fair enough), another time she said she would be too hungover. I haven’t bothered again. She doesn’t speak to her own mum as she was an alcoholic who only ever talked about herself and moaned about money etc. i feel like it’s amazing she can’t see the comparison (though admittedly not as bad). I do love her but it’s such a shame and I wish I hadn’t a real “motherly” mum- I’ve always felt like the one who looked after her rather than the other way round.

yerdaindicatesonbends · 11/10/2022 19:42

My mum passed last year unfortunately but I am grateful to say that after having a particularly rough time together when I was a teen, and not talking to her at all for periods of time in my early 20’s, that we were close.

Turns out we saw the world in a lot of the same ways, although even when we disagreed we were always able to talk openly. She would message after we met and sometimes tell me I’d really made her think about xyz, which was nice to hear from her. She would often tell me how proud she was of me too, and multiple times she asked if there was anything she could do to fix the past. I’m very forgiving so this was never needed but we wouldn’t have gotten so close if it weren’t for her self reflection.

She adored DD too, and having her brought us closer as she would visit at least every fortnite (she lived a few hours away so this was quite a lot considering).

Original poster
SamanthaVimes · 11/10/2022 19:43

Those of you who are saying your DMs didn’t make you feel like a priority, I think that’s exactly it for me.
She’s never done anything dreadful but I haven’t felt like she’s taken a proper interest in me for a long time. She doesn’t invite us to visit her or ask to visit us ever, it’s only if I (or usually my sister) make the effort to plan something. She’ll message to ask how DC are and is a nice gran but doesn’t make the effort to come and see them (we live about 45 mins drive away, she can drive but chooses not to).
I think she was probably depressed for a long time when I was a teenager and retreated into her own world a bit.
Also she wasn’t close to her own mum so I wonder if this is part of it.

I hope I stay closer with my DC in the future

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 11/10/2022 19:51

We used to be close whilst my ch were small, we lived close by and I helped a lot after my dad dies.
She went on the have other relationships, which was fine, she moved in with the last one. I never felt completely welcome and it all turned awkward.
That relationship ended and again I swooped in to help.
That seems to be the role I'm forever cast in.
I became very unwell and I had to put her at arms length for a while. A psych told me she made my illness about her 'I've been so worried I'm hardly sleeping etc' and that she wasn't a support to me, she expected me to still support her.

She looks back on her relationship with her mum, went on the bus each week to visit. I message her most days but I'm not well enough to do what she did.

But it's not enough so therefore I don't love her.

She's also a very negative person, always telling me about her 'friends' and telling me how lovely her neighbours families are - because they all visit!

I want to get back to what we had but I don't know how (unless I visit and take her out, ie just do what she wants)

definitelynotlistening · 11/10/2022 19:52

I hope I continue to be a good mum to my children even when they are adults. I hope I am available to them.

MoreHairyThanScary · 11/10/2022 19:56

My mum's amazing she gets on well with both my Dsis and I, she just been to stay with me for 2 weeks and attacked all the weeds in my garden . In years gone by she and my dad would spend two weeks of the summer holiday with us to minimise the childcare we needed.

We talk often but have a group messenger with dais's which gets bits on most days, they live 600 miles away but it still feels like I know what is happening in their lives!

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 11/10/2022 19:56

My mam is my best friend. We speak most days, always in and out of each others houses (and clothes!). She helps loads with DS but even before he came along, we go out for boozy lunches and shopping together etc. We talk about everything.

She puts in just as much effort as I do and we enjoy spending time together.

Enko · 11/10/2022 20:00

Mine died 7 years ago. We were not close. My niece was her golden grandchils brother the golden boy my sister and her got close in her last years. I lived 1000 km away

I dont regret it but hope to he closer to my daughters

feministqueen · 11/10/2022 20:01

Yes absolutely. We are similar and do bicker. Took my husband years to get used to it!

I would do anything for her and she would do anything for me. We have 2 children and she picks them up form school 3 times a week. DH was over at her house today sorting out some bits that needed doing. Mum still does all of our ironing!

By contrast, ILs are very hands off. I think DH really notices the difference now and actually it makes me sad for our kids because they are so much younger and could really enjoy being closer. But hey ho.

I hope I'm as close to my kids when they get older. I'd be gutted if I didn't get to see them and their children when the time comes

MidnightConstellation · 11/10/2022 20:01

No unfortunately. I don’t enjoy being with her at all. She makes me miserable and I see her as little as possible .

TickTockBaby · 11/10/2022 20:03

Are you close to your mother? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4500388-are-you-close-to-your-mother

TickTockBaby · 11/10/2022 20:04

I posted similar (see above)

It's disappointing 😕

TheAntiTruss · 11/10/2022 20:08

I love and adore my Mum. Our relationship has had some rocky periods, but she’s amazing and I can’t imagine how I’ll cope when she’s gone.

Trees6 · 11/10/2022 20:09

No. I dislike her.

My ex-MIL was great though, a lovely lady, as is my DP’s mother.

I also got on very well with my first boyfriend’s mum and my university boyfriend’s mum.

So I’ve been lucky with MiLs! That’s something I guess.

limitededitionbarbie · 11/10/2022 20:11

Yes I'm very lucky we are incredibly close. Since I had my Dd who is 9 we have become much closer.

She's a twat sometimes and I am just like her but she is incredibly kind and will help anyone if she can. She's brought me up with good values and I can tell her anything.

I'm so lucky my mum is an absolute diamond.

TidyDancer · 11/10/2022 20:13

Sometimes. She can be very nice but also quite cutting and has tantrums. Will never apologise even when it's clear she's wrong and behaving hurtfully. So I guess when she's on good form my answer would be yes, but not always.

treadcarefully · 11/10/2022 20:15

I was very close to my mum, and so we're my children. She was the most loving, supportive and full of fun mum . She died over 25 years ago and I miss her so much.
I have a really close relationship with my daughter and my granddaughter. We talk several times a day and see each other almost every day too. Our families holiday together and get together every weekend.
I am so sad reading a lot of these posts where there is little or no relationship. My heart goes out to you.