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Original poster

Asking adult dc to move out or change behaviour

102 replies

limeMeringue · 09/10/2022 07:26

I’ve had enough. My house is treated like a hotel. I’m treated like staff. Every rule is broken . I can’t enforce any consequences as have run out of those I can enforce (eg no access to WiFi, not providing food so they have to buy their own etc etc )

Things have reached a head and nothing so far has worked. How do I go about removing them from the family home ? Do I even have to give notice ?
The other alternative is finding a way for them to change behaviour (but not NT so this is extremely difficult)
I’ve totally had enough.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 09/10/2022 07:29

How old are they and do they work ?

Original poster
limeMeringue · 09/10/2022 07:33

some examples are

-eating mine or other dc food then not replacing. Not buying their own food and having major tantrums if I say ‘sorry - you’ve eaten all of ours, you’ve eaten all of the staple items - you’ve got money - go to the shops’

-not ever cleaning up after themselves- leaving toilet in a filthy mess , or the kitchen. Saying sensory difficulties mean cat ever clean and if I say no do it now and stand over them they’ll vomit rather than clean

-refusing to pay any rent at all (has a job) to deal with this we said fine don’t pay rent but that now means we transfer your expenses to you - so you pay for your own phone and food

-refusing to accommodate anyone else’s needs - things like having a long shower when other dc need to get ready for school or us work and when we say to get out we are told to get lost and not interrupt a self care routine . To get round that I set my alarm earlier and made sure we used the bathroom first which resulted in being screamed at

OP posts:
Choccolocko · 09/10/2022 07:35

What do you mean by NT. Would they be capable of living independently?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
MintJulia · 09/10/2022 07:36

What form does their neurodiversity take? It is possible. I'm ND and my 'd'm packed me off to a bedsit in London with a set of saucepans and a cookbook. I survived and actually I'm glad she did it now, but it certainly wasn't easy.

It would be reasonable to give notice because finding a house share or bedsit isn't easy. Plus you need to think about basics like do they have a deposit? What kit do they have. Money coming in? Are they vulnerable in any way?

Original poster
limeMeringue · 09/10/2022 07:36

KangarooKenny · 09/10/2022 07:29

How old are they and do they work ?

22, yes a part time job. I’ve tried so hard to be tolerant and accept that yes it’s more difficult with additional needs (adhd is a massive problem probably the most difficult of all the conditions- also ASD and OCD)

I do feel though that they’ve outgrown living at home. PDA means even basic rules are causing hell. I try to have some basic rules like consider others , clean up after yourself that’s it really but that’s not even happening

OP posts:
Choccolocko · 09/10/2022 07:36

All of the above is unacceptable but how old is your DC

KangarooKenny · 09/10/2022 07:38

Do you have any input from SS ? Does your child have the finances and capacity to live independently ?

Original poster
limeMeringue · 09/10/2022 07:38

i don’t understand how you can eat something and then 2 mins later the bowl you ate off makes you vomit because you can’t clean it ?? I’m at my wits end I feel like I’m running a specialist hotel

OP posts:
Original poster
limeMeringue · 09/10/2022 07:39

Choccolocko · 09/10/2022 07:36

All of the above is unacceptable but how old is your DC

22

OP posts:
Original poster
limeMeringue · 09/10/2022 07:39

KangarooKenny · 09/10/2022 07:38

Do you have any input from SS ? Does your child have the finances and capacity to live independently ?

Can’t manage money at all

OP posts:
ElectedOnThursday · 09/10/2022 07:40

Are there any good times at all? Times when you and they can engage in normal conversation? That would be the time to make a plan.

Sounds very difficult for all of you.

Original poster
limeMeringue · 09/10/2022 07:42

Sorry posted too soon

cannot manage money at all. Gets paid and spends the lot within 24-48 hours.

Luckily I am the appointee for pip so I can make sure that is then used for what it’s intended for. I’m just not sure where to turn. I’m getting zero sleep as well because the shift pattern of the work means I’m woken at ridiculous times as need to help them get home as they’ve run out of money or they get in and wake everyone making food or worse - start lighting candles in dangerous areas so I’m constantly on alert

OP posts:
Original poster
limeMeringue · 09/10/2022 07:44

extremely high intelligence coupled with extremely low common sense and a very trusting nature / no danger awareness - how do I even start to deal with this ?

OP posts:
catinboots123 · 09/10/2022 07:45

Sounds terrible OP Flowers

What would his other options for accommodation be?

MintJulia · 09/10/2022 07:45

If they are capable of holding down a job then they are capable of basic courtesies and consideration. Their behaviour is unacceptable.

I'd give them notice, not offer the option to alter their behaviour. You've tried that and they refused.

Do some basics yourself. Availability and cost of a bedsit. Deposit needed. Quick audit of their possessions and what else they would need to survive. Explain it to them in very short words.

Original poster
limeMeringue · 09/10/2022 07:46

ElectedOnThursday · 09/10/2022 07:40

Are there any good times at all? Times when you and they can engage in normal conversation? That would be the time to make a plan.

Sounds very difficult for all of you.

Conversation Goes nowhere it’s like talking to a wall

we got the diagnoses at ages 15-17 then no support at all !!! Discharged from all services and told adult MH services wouldn’t see us ?? So we’ve had no support for years and when we did have camhs all we got told was ‘I only go because I like to talk about myself I’m not listening to them ‘

OP posts:
Original poster
limeMeringue · 09/10/2022 07:50

MintJulia · 09/10/2022 07:45

If they are capable of holding down a job then they are capable of basic courtesies and consideration. Their behaviour is unacceptable.

I'd give them notice, not offer the option to alter their behaviour. You've tried that and they refused.

Do some basics yourself. Availability and cost of a bedsit. Deposit needed. Quick audit of their possessions and what else they would need to survive. Explain it to them in very short words.

When I said this I was told ‘it’s different’ that at work they can work alone and in quiet if they want to and if not then it’s masking and how dare I say that they can manage that so couldn’t manage to follow rules at home too. Apparently home is a ‘safe space’

This will make me sound a bitch. I absolutely know a million percent how dc has struggled . I know these conditions have a huge effect . But sometimes just sometimes I feel like I am being manipulated. That makes me feel bad I’m not saying they are lying but with such a high level of intelligence there’s this high level of manipulation too. Even as a toddler and small child we had it on a more basic level things like ‘if you make me eat that I’ll choke on purpose and it will be your fault’ or if didn’t want to walk deliberately falling and cutting knees on the pavement etc

OP posts:
ElectedOnThursday · 09/10/2022 07:51

Gosh it must be so challenging. Is there a charity devoted to this disability that could offer you some guidance?

Original poster
limeMeringue · 09/10/2022 07:52

I think I’m at the point i might just go to the gp for myself and beg for help

OP posts:
Original poster
limeMeringue · 09/10/2022 07:55

ElectedOnThursday · 09/10/2022 07:51

Gosh it must be so challenging. Is there a charity devoted to this disability that could offer you some guidance?

There’s a local centre but I can’t get dc to engage and go with me it was the only place I thought may help but apparently I’m the issue because ‘you chose to have me this is your job’ is what I’m told

But I’m not happy. I feel we are at the point where maybe moving out even temporarily may show exactly how good it is here and bring some awareness ?

OP posts:
Original poster
limeMeringue · 09/10/2022 07:56

I’m going to try to get a gp appt (wish me luck with that they are like gold dust !!) maybe if I address it from my end they can help

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 09/10/2022 07:56

Spare rooms dot com will have rooms they can rent

tell them to find somewhere to live as it’s not working out you all living together, hopefully not living together will mean a better relationship between you.

Dontknowwhyidoit · 09/10/2022 07:58

Can you do a search for supported housing for young people in your area. This is where under 24 year old who become homeless can be housed when they are owed a duty of care by the council but places are limited. I would also look up any homeless prevention services or contact the council and see if they can give you these details. I use to work on a young person's service doing family mediation to try to rebuild relationships to prevent the young person from becoming homeless due to their behaviour. You could also contact adult social services and tell them the situation and your child's diagnosis and see what they they can offer. It's a horrible situation you are in as their behavior and attitude is so hurtful and causes real damage but they may not fully realise the impact it is having. Good luck

Billybagpuss · 09/10/2022 07:59

There’s a local centre but I can’t get dc to engage and go with me it was the only place I thought may help but apparently I’m the issue because ‘you chose to have me this is your job’ is what I’m told

I chose to have you for 18 years you are now an adult.

You do need to start helping them to make arrangements to live independently. Is there a way you can help them control their money like giving an allowance as if they’re spending the lot in 2 days it’s a recipe for disaster.

Parmesam · 09/10/2022 08:00

I have no advice but it must be very difficult for you.