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Original poster

Asking adult dc to move out or change behaviour

102 replies

limeMeringue · 09/10/2022 07:26

I’ve had enough. My house is treated like a hotel. I’m treated like staff. Every rule is broken . I can’t enforce any consequences as have run out of those I can enforce (eg no access to WiFi, not providing food so they have to buy their own etc etc )

Things have reached a head and nothing so far has worked. How do I go about removing them from the family home ? Do I even have to give notice ?
The other alternative is finding a way for them to change behaviour (but not NT so this is extremely difficult)
I’ve totally had enough.

OP posts:
Donotgogentle · 09/10/2022 08:02

It sounds so difficult op.

But if you’re not planning on being dc’s carer long term is there an expectation for them to move out at some point? Could you start that conversation?

I would have thought even if they move out somewhere very close by so you can keep an eye on them and help out that would be an improvement.

Original poster
limeMeringue · 09/10/2022 08:02

Billybagpuss · 09/10/2022 07:59

There’s a local centre but I can’t get dc to engage and go with me it was the only place I thought may help but apparently I’m the issue because ‘you chose to have me this is your job’ is what I’m told

I chose to have you for 18 years you are now an adult.

You do need to start helping them to make arrangements to live independently. Is there a way you can help them control their money like giving an allowance as if they’re spending the lot in 2 days it’s a recipe for disaster.

I don’t know how I’d even gain control over regular account and when I’ve suggested it I’ve been told that would be financial abuse

OP posts:
Original poster
limeMeringue · 09/10/2022 08:03

Donotgogentle · 09/10/2022 08:02

It sounds so difficult op.

But if you’re not planning on being dc’s carer long term is there an expectation for them to move out at some point? Could you start that conversation?

I would have thought even if they move out somewhere very close by so you can keep an eye on them and help out that would be an improvement.

I would do it but I’m at the point I’m physically exhausted

OP posts:

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Original poster
limeMeringue · 09/10/2022 08:04

I think tomorrow I’ll call to get a gp appointment and call the centre to see if I can go in alone just to talk things through because I feel trapped and I feel like it’s getting worse ??? The ‘rules’ are so basic and can’t be stuck to I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
Dirtychai · 09/10/2022 08:04

Can adult social care from the council assist? Sounds incredibly difficult.

Hearthnhome · 09/10/2022 08:06

If they can cope at work because that are left to work alone, then living in their own place may help.

Billybagpuss · 09/10/2022 08:06

limeMeringue · 09/10/2022 08:02

I don’t know how I’d even gain control over regular account and when I’ve suggested it I’ve been told that would be financial abuse

Show quote history

This sounds so hard because anything you do to help would have to be with their agreement so they’d have to get to the point of bankruptcy and homelessness before they’d likely accept the help.

however from your own mental health point of view this can’t continue so at some point tough love may be needed.

Teenprobs · 09/10/2022 08:09

Fellow PDA mum (still under 18) and fellow mum of an entitled teen who actually recently left home (but it was hell)

Can you go back to basics, Have an allocated time in the bathroom? In my house I think at one point I made a rule that no one could shower (or lock the door if there is a curtain) between certain hours. As my teen was in the shower while my pdaer needed to a poo or whatever.. I also have a second tooth brush station downstairs at the sink.

Can you clear a cupboard of their own? Take a set amount of money for their own food shop and you support them with that?

Original poster
limeMeringue · 09/10/2022 08:10

Hearthnhome · 09/10/2022 08:06

If they can cope at work because that are left to work alone, then living in their own place may help.

It’s a combination of I feel they’ve outgrown living here but have all these issues where independent living will be a huge challenge but maybe that’s needed for independence. I feel like I’m being treated like their personal assistant/ cleaner and not even spoken to with an ounce of respect apparently it’s all my fault that it is somehow something I did wrong in pregnancy etc but I did everything perfectly and took all my vitamins , healthy lifestyle etc

OP posts:
Teenprobs · 09/10/2022 08:11

limeMeringue · 09/10/2022 08:04

I think tomorrow I’ll call to get a gp appointment and call the centre to see if I can go in alone just to talk things through because I feel trapped and I feel like it’s getting worse ??? The ‘rules’ are so basic and can’t be stuck to I don’t know what to do

Is it possible your rules are too vague? And need to be set specific rules?

CatchersAndDreams · 09/10/2022 08:11

Honestly OP I'd have kicked them out before this.

The council will have a duty for 90 days to house them. Those 90 days will either make your dc appreciate you and want to come back or they'll get help fro the council. I'd also refer to the adult disability team if they have diagnoses.

J0y · 09/10/2022 08:13

Omg, my son is 16 with pda and you have all of my sympathies.
I would start to leave 10 word statement, to show him where you're heading..............

''You living at home is not working, you do not clear up after yourself''.

leave it beside the Kettle or if he's less sensitive than my son, leave it in his room. Say this repeatedly for a week or two so the repetition of that one same statement penetrates his forcefield, somewhat. That's all you can hope for.
Perhaps he will start clearing up after himself......

But keep going.
Next statement to

You're an adult now and you could move out.

I am guessing he will not job hunt or flat hunt but if you were to find a room in a house, and give him the first few months rent then turn off the internet.............. would that work???

I am already worried about how I will deal with this,

I feel I have to endure it for now but as soon as he turns 18 I will be reassessing and planning. I'm a single parent so every time I tried to stand up to him it only served to highlight to him how he could over-power me if he wanted to. It achieved nothing except to make it clear that I had no power over him as he saw it. He doesn't care if I'm cross or disappointed in him. My plan is to move house and not give him the new address. I will try and get him a room in a house before I go, not sure. he could go to my brother's or to his father's but he wouldn't want to.

Hearthnhome · 09/10/2022 08:13

limeMeringue · 09/10/2022 08:10

It’s a combination of I feel they’ve outgrown living here but have all these issues where independent living will be a huge challenge but maybe that’s needed for independence. I feel like I’m being treated like their personal assistant/ cleaner and not even spoken to with an ounce of respect apparently it’s all my fault that it is somehow something I did wrong in pregnancy etc but I did everything perfectly and took all my vitamins , healthy lifestyle etc

Show quote history

You are not to blame.

I think one of the things you need to consider is the impact on the other kids in the house. It can’t be a nice atmosphere for them.

It can’t go on the way it is. It’s not good for any of you.

Original poster
limeMeringue · 09/10/2022 08:14

Teenprobs · 09/10/2022 08:09

Fellow PDA mum (still under 18) and fellow mum of an entitled teen who actually recently left home (but it was hell)

Can you go back to basics, Have an allocated time in the bathroom? In my house I think at one point I made a rule that no one could shower (or lock the door if there is a curtain) between certain hours. As my teen was in the shower while my pdaer needed to a poo or whatever.. I also have a second tooth brush station downstairs at the sink.

Can you clear a cupboard of their own? Take a set amount of money for their own food shop and you support them with that?

We tried this . With the time I noticed it was passing each day so I would go and remind - this resulted in me being shouted at but I stayed calm and repeated it was the only available time - they had their shower and screamed the whole time full on blood curdling screaming

Have a food cupboard- it’s stocked up with staples once a week ( pasta , rice, cereal , porridge , hot choc and we always have fruit and veg) it’s eaten in record time then ours is taken then we have screaming about being starving but having no money

OP posts:
Original poster
limeMeringue · 09/10/2022 08:15

We get tears over having to use money for food . We worked out a weekly amount of basics and we get that but it gets eaten in a couple of days it’s like if it’s there it has to be eaten ?? Zero impulse control

OP posts:
Original poster
limeMeringue · 09/10/2022 08:17

Also I am regularly getting tearful about the candle issue . I got LED ones and thankfully they seem to be ‘accepted’ but there was a phase of so much being lit and forgotten or in awful places we had some near misses and I keep jumping awake at night thinking I can smell smoke but I’m imagining it I have to regularly search the bedroom for lighters etc too still just in case

OP posts:
Aishah231 · 09/10/2022 08:18

ADHD etc does not explain the rudeness and laziness. That's all on him. By letting him carry on living with you you are teaching him that this is ok. His diagnosis is being used as an excuse to be a twat.

J0y · 09/10/2022 08:18

Just read about the toilet. Yupp, snap. My son does this.

Do you have a husband or partner?
I don't and that's fine but in terms of dealing with my son, I feel I have nobody to back me up so if I stand up to him it just results in my son getting angrywith me, scaring me and me backing down in shock.

I will at some point phone the gaurds to get him out I predict. I would be afraid to turn off the internet. He would go bananas.

I loved him so much, he was an awkward but gorgeous child and he never did a single thing because it was expected or becauuse everybody else was doing it. But I was his supporter and his 'counsellor' all along and yet he seemed to turn on me at about 13. Now he's like this raging messy disgusting entitled beast living in his room which looks like a crack den. He looks at me like he's annoyed I'm here. But he's the one who will have to move out.

Original poster
limeMeringue · 09/10/2022 08:18

Aishah231 · 09/10/2022 08:18

ADHD etc does not explain the rudeness and laziness. That's all on him. By letting him carry on living with you you are teaching him that this is ok. His diagnosis is being used as an excuse to be a twat.

I feel like we have a tangled mess of adhd, asd, ocd and being an arsehole

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 09/10/2022 08:23

Contact SS.

Say you can't have them at home anymore for the above reasons but they are vulnerable and can't live alone.

Ask for or help finding supported accommodation for them.

I have an autistic 18yo and get it. The lack of capacity to cope beyond their work means extra pressure on you.

The only difference here is ds realises I've taken lower paid jobs over the years with shorter hours to care for him and am still doing that even though he's an adult and contributes to the household financially - so I have time to do this.

Flowersintheattic57 · 09/10/2022 08:23

There is adult sheltered housing for people like your son. Obviously you have to fight long and hard to get it, but it’s worth it in the end.
I wouldn’t recommend independent housing because he is vulnerable to being predated on by the people who make it their mission to extort benefits from vulnerable people.

Namechanger1002 · 09/10/2022 08:24

Can you contact social services and enquire about supported living? So basically independent flats within the same building but there is always someone on hand should they be needed and provide 1:1 support time throughout the week with things like finances, shopping and housework.
The care provider I work for has lots of these and many of the people who live in them also have jobs.

hattie43 · 09/10/2022 08:26

I couldn't be doing with this at all. There are other children in the house to consider and you aren't helpful to them if you have a breakdown .

I'm sure DC has a suitcase and a local pavement . Use them . As a vulnerable adult the council will have to find somewhere for them which ultimately sounds a good thing .

Original poster
limeMeringue · 09/10/2022 08:27

I just struggle so much with the fact they are so so intelligent academically but it’s doesn’t translate at all into real life - just zero awareness, zero common sense , zero compassion for others just nothing. I think I’m confusing things feeling like ‘how can you have all the qualifications you do yet you can’t grasp the basics of actual living’ ‘how can you be a maths genius and yet unable to manage your own finances ‘ I just feel so lost and frustrated

OP posts:
kateandme · 09/10/2022 08:28

Namechanger1002 · 09/10/2022 08:24

Can you contact social services and enquire about supported living? So basically independent flats within the same building but there is always someone on hand should they be needed and provide 1:1 support time throughout the week with things like finances, shopping and housework.
The care provider I work for has lots of these and many of the people who live in them also have jobs.

I dont know where u are but lucky! Here that is either non existent pr sqauller.or zero help,abusive help.and awful awful awful.

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