Urgent need of a hand hold / unMN hug

[MumofSpud]

I know there may be more specific sites to put this thread but I can't bring myself to go there
DH is in hospital with Leukaemia- and for the past few weeks has had a chest infection
Now he has 2 chest infections
I have been visiting x2 a day but not since Thursday as I got Covid (for the first time)
The Macmillan nurse has just rung asking me to do a test as the Dr wants to have an conversation' and it might be easier if I am there
Of course I am still testing positive
I tried to get details out of her but all she would say is that it is a serious conversation
Dr is due to ring me soon
I feel sick with nerves and so guilty that I am not there
He is 49
I really need a hand hold

We are all still here, sending handholds, and hugs. Hope you are taking care of yourself and hopefully you will have lots of people who love you and your family there to support you and always be there for you. Day or night their is always someone in hear to listen. 😘💐

It's so nice to read these messages!
We went to the funeral director yesterday (with the out laws and the DC) - I thought it would just be a chat but we ended up organising it so that's good - the death cert is ready to collect on Monday.
I am still torturing myself over events on his last day - as he signed his head fell to one side - where I was - was he looking for me? Trying to get nearer me?
And there was a tear in his eye - but he was v clammy / sweaty
And in the morning of his last day he asked me if the conversation with the consultant giving the about 6 months had happened - I said Yes it did
And he asked again the palliative nurse about the chance of being on a clinical trial - he wanted to stay with us
Then I got a crappy email from work asking where was my cover for my 2 lessons on Friday ( I have set cover for every day so far!) which made me angry and I don't want to be angry - I want to be sad and reflective and full of lovely memories not angry at work!

So sorry for your loss. Sending love and strength to you and your family x

I am sorry for your loss. I hope that in time the sunny memories you have together will prevail.

Oh OP. I wish I could find words that could help. Am thinking of you.
(Don’t give work your headspace if you can help it. They will manage just fine.)

You will replay every moment with your DH, this is normal, as is feeling every emotion. If you have questions over a clinical trial and would it have changed anything, perhaps you can have a conversation with his palliative nurse? For no other reason other than it may be helpful for you to hear that it wouldn't have worked for your DH.

Also, I remember a friend once saying that when her DH passed after a tremendous battle with cancer, she left the hospital, walked out on the street and she just couldn't grasp how the world outside had kept moving. Her world had stopped and she just wanted to scream how could they be carrying on when the most important part of her life had just stopped breathing. Your work are being very unreasonable IMO but it's also normal to feel bothered by people carrying on with life and bothering you with the mundane. Do you have a colleague who can field these questions for you in the interim? Hope you're doing OK OP, thinking of you.

I’m so very, very sorry for your loss. Sending lots of love and strength 💐

I am do sorry to read this, as you said it seems your DH went on his terms. I was with my grandfather when he died and he also had a tear in his eye so I wouldn’t dwell on that. He left the world knowing he was so loved and with you. ❤️

I can echo that it’s very, very normal to go over and over in minute detail the last day. It’s to do with your brain processing all the emotions you’re experiencing. It’s like a rollercoaster, and exhausting. Please make sure you look after yourself, drink even if you don’t feel like eating.
When you feel able I can recommend Kate Boydell’s book www.abebooks.co.uk/9780091902575/Death-Survive-unique-practical-uplifting-0091902576/plp
Sending you a hug. 💐

I was with both of my grandparents when they died and both of their heads turned to the side after their last breath. I am not sure why that happens but it's nothing to torture yourself over. I am sorry OP. I'm sorry you didn't get your 6 months together

I'm so sorry OP.

You're in my thoughts, MumofSpud. How does the world keep turning when your world has juddered to a stop? And I'm sorry that school is being such a pain too, but I suppose it gives you somewhere justified to direct your anger.
Leukaemia is a bastard. It just is.

No advice or words of wisdom to add to what's already been said, I just wanted to send some more love your way ❤️

Just to say I'm thinking of you

MumofSpud, thinking of you. I know from experience how awful this time is. Keep breathing and don’t be afraid to ask for help. It’s a hugely overwhelming time. I found being a bit selfish was a necessity, so if I didn’t want to answer the phone/door etc I didn’t and if people gave ‘useful’ suggestions about what you should do about various practical things I turned round and said to them that it would be most helpful if they could arrange/do the thing themselves for you.

I also found reading the funnier Mumsnet classics in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep a good distraction.