How do you get children to say please and thank you?

[deaconjohn]

I really do try to teach my children manners, but they don't always say please and thank you. One of my dd's friends (they are both 5) always says please and thank you and is very polite. Her 18 month old sister says thank you too! I asked her mum what she did to raise such a polite children and she says she just encouraged manners very early (from the start) and will remind her every time she forgets. It obviously works, but seems a bit over the top. Should I be doing the same thing? What are your experiences?

Yes from the start and every time. If someone wants to give them something, "what do you say?" is normally enough. And then giving praise after, "you said thank you so nicely DD". Modelling it as well. Always say it to them and in front of them.

I remind DD every time if she doesnt say please or thank you. I don't think it's over the top, I would hate her to grow up without proper manners.

It obviously works, but seems a bit over the top.
if it’s working why is it over the top?

Just tell/remind them every time. Not exceptions, and if they don't say it, they don't get whatever it was about.

If you are consistent it becomes ingrained very quickly. I had loads of positive comments when mine were small which was odd as good manners should be the norm, not something to comment on.

We are big on please and thank you. We started off by saying no thank you or yes please when asking LO to do things or to each other including the dogs! We then prompt LO if he does not say please or thank you even to the point of taking the item away until a thank you is given. We do prompt with what is the magic word etc

Because LO is so used to us saying you are welcome he will respond with your welcome if we thank him.

He will also prompt if he feels there should be a thank you when he has given you something.

Just to add LO is nearly 3. I make a point of saying thank you to the nursery staff at pick up and this will include LO. The staff have commented how nice it is that he says please:thank you

Honestly, just encouragement, reminding them and modeling. Nothing too heavy, just making politeness normal and expected in the house. DH and I are always polite to one another the children and we expect the same in return. It can take a lot of reminders but they are getting there.

I try not to be too... Harsh? I guess. If they are not polite I might say 'is that how we ask for things in this house?' or 'have another go at asking for that'

Doesn't always work. Recently my 4 year old shouted 'mummy quickly bring me my shoes!' I asked her if that's how we ask for things and after a pause she shouted 'mummy bring me my shoes and please don't be slow!'

hmmm 🤔 some work to do...

Like others have said just model and prompt

They tend to mimic parents anyway, do you say please and thank you? Particularly to them?

My parents never did and still don't, we didn't as kids and every now and then mum would think we should start doing it and it was such a big deal we'd refuse to do it. She'd try threats and she'd try praise. But it was by then a principle for us (not in a rational way, both primary age).

I never really said please or thank you at home until well after I'd left but did outside of home.

I try not to be too... Harsh? I guess. If they are not polite I might say 'is that how we ask for things in this house?' or 'have another go at asking for that'

A raised eyebrow or a pause is enough after a while. I agree that harsh is a very bad idea. I tend to go for, "can I have a drink...........?" With a long pause.

I asked her mum what she did to raise such a polite children and she says she just encouraged manners very early (from the start) and will remind her every time she forgets. It obviously works, but seems a bit over the top.

How do you think children learn? Repetition and modelling. There's nothing over the top about this. This is how you parent properly and raise polite children.

We modelled it right from the start. Our. It’s always say please & thank you at home and outside. Manners cost nothing. I’m usually disappointed to find that almost none of their friends say either when they are here. I bite my tongue, it’s not my place to correct them.

I bite my tongue, it’s not my place to correct them.

It absolutely is when they are in your home. Visiting your home, they follow your rules.

Mine almost always say please and thank you and I often get compliments on this. I don't insist they say it but if they do forget I just repeat back what I want they to say. I also say please and thank you to them, my husband and everyone that we come across in public.

We model between ourselves ("daddy could you empty the dishwasher please?") and you don't get unless you ask politely. A raised eyebrow if they forget is now normally enough for them to remember. If they are tired/hungry/on the verge of a tantrum. I will give them the words to say. "Oh did I hear can I have a snack please mommy? I didn't quite hear can you repeat it please?" Thank you is also expected, modelled and I remind them if they forget.

Yes, of course you should be doing the same thing.

In class I always ignored it when they weren't used and praised profusely when they were and kids would soon realise how much they meant.
Agree with modelling.. practice what you preach.

By example.

Have impeccable manners all the time. Close the door please. Yes I will have some thank you.

I learnt the hard way to soften certain expressions too, as they sounded horrible from a child's mouth. 'I don't like' is now 'I'm not too keen on' or 'I want' is 'I would like'. Keep practising.

Yes you really do have to correct them every time! It works eventually.

Modelling definitely. We make sure we say please and thank you to our children and to each other plus gently remind them. We taught my son to sign them when he couldn't speak and although he can now say please he mostly signs thank you.

Model, DH and I always say please and thank you to each other and other people, don’t have to think about it we just do. I don’t think we ever told her to say please or thank you. DD (2) now says “thank you mum I really preciate it”.

Thank you all for your replies. I can see where I am going wrong. My DH and I do say please and thank you to our DD and each other, but I'm lax when it comes to encouraging it.

I do wonder what others think when my dd doesn't say P and TY, especially other parents and her teachers. What do you think when a child isn't polite? Do you think badly of the parents?

Modeled from the start and encouraged him, prompted when he forgot with other people.
Also saying "I'm really sorry but I can't hear what you're saying" when he says "I want" is a good method dh discovered, because ds thinks it's funny but crucially will say "please can I have"

Yeah you just prompt and model.

So when they are a baby/toddler I used to say "ta" as in thank you if he handed me things, and please if I wanted something.

Then as his speech developed ta turned to thank you.

And now he is 8 and I just prompt if he forgets,

So he will say "mam may I have some crisps?" And say "may I have some crisps......" And he says "please" then I give him the crisps. Or if I hand him something and he doesn't say "thank you" I say "pardon?" And he says thank you.

But usually he will say "thank you" and please without prompt these days.

You sort of just get used to it, I probably don't even notice I'm promoting him half the times these days 😂

Yes, remind them everytime. And as pp said, always set a good example and use good manners in front of them.

I remind every single time. Not just in the home, but interactions with friends/family and in shops too. However as an outsider, I wouldn’t judge a five year old for forgetting. Once they’re about 8 I’d be surprised at the lack of manners.