How do you get children to say please and thank you?

[deaconjohn]

I really do try to teach my children manners, but they don't always say please and thank you. One of my dd's friends (they are both 5) always says please and thank you and is very polite. Her 18 month old sister says thank you too! I asked her mum what she did to raise such a polite children and she says she just encouraged manners very early (from the start) and will remind her every time she forgets. It obviously works, but seems a bit over the top. Should I be doing the same thing? What are your experiences?

Yes I do think badly of the parents.

The answer is in your OP. You think reinforcing it every time is over the top. It's not. It's what you have to go to teach good manners. Children don't learn by osmosis. You have to teach them. By both clear and consistent direction plus modelling.

As long as you are reminding and asking them to do something you and your partner always do they will eventually learn and do it naturally. They learn so much from observation and mimic.

Why is it over the top? A bit like anything you want them to do automatically and every time eg hang up their coat, tidy up before bath time, say please and thank you, you need to remind them every time.

I try not to judge parents of children who don't say please and thank you

But I absolutely notice when a child has lovely manners. I remember a really polite girl who came for a play date with DD about 6 years ago. She said please, thank you, had good table manners etc. I remarked on it to her mum at pick up and she beamed with pride. Mum was a single parent with 3 DC, full time job and had been dealt some pretty shitty cards in her life. She raised lovely children who were a credit to her. We've lost touch, but I remember her daughter's manners very clearly.

My dd is 4 and is now pretty consistent with her manners. I just gently pulled her up on it every single time she forgot.

The same way a parent gets their child to do anything...repeat, repeat, repeat

I don't think it's over the top to remind children if they haven't said please or thank you. I must have done so with my own DC, as I was often complimented on their manners. I wouldn't be impressed if my teens went on a sleep over and didn't thank their friends parents for having them, or say thank you at the end of a meal, yet I rarely hear this from other teens.

Also, children should be encouraged to say hello to people they meet. At the school I work in (England), it's usually the children with English parents who are the most likely not to say please or thank you, or good morning. Parents of other nationalities seem to drill manners into their children more, especially saying good morning.

Every. Single. Time. Even if I'm in agony and asking my child to pass me something (broke my stupid finger last week...) I still say "Thank you" and she says "You're welcome". I DESPISE when people don't say Please, Thank you or You're welcome. Hate it

Children learn by example. Parents lead by example

Always use please and thank you yourself, even when little non verbal if you give them something say thank you for them. If they ask with no please quick reminder or add the please yourself, what do we say? Did you say? How do we ask nicely ? Didn't hear please/thank you. The look, raised eyebrow,pause before handing something over. But I think doing it yourself everytime is really important.

Just say it. And remind them politely
Monkey see

When DS was small I taught him to say ‘Please may I have…’ as a nicer way to ask but in the early stages it always came out as ‘Please may can I have..’
It was really sweet bless him and often got commented on if he was asking someone else for something. ☺️

We ask DD to say them every time (though of course sometimes I forget to remind her). We started off getting her to say "ta" almost as soon as she could say it. Mostly because I was getting fed up with meals where she pointed and shouted! She's nearly two and we do have to remind most of the time but I'm hoping it'll get ingrained by the time she's 3 or 4.

I don't think badly of a young child who doesn't say it. In all honesty I do think badly of the parents if the child is three or above, has normal speech development, and I never hear the parents encouraging please or thank you. A polite child will have an easier life, so to me it's a kind and loving thing to do to get that habit going.

@deaconjohn if they say "Can I have a banana?" you mirror back to them "Please can I have a banana?" with emphasis on the Please. Then wait for them to correct themselves before you hand over the banana.

Then when you give it to them, if their thankyou doesn't come immediately, say "Thankyou" yourself in a kind, gentle reminder-voice (not an aggressive, sarcastic eye rolling voice, as some do).

I remember when my nieces and nephews were little they were all taught to say ta. I hated it. Nobody we knew said ta. Why not teach them thank you from the beginning rather than having to relearn the word thank you. I agree with everyone else modelling and repeating but I did have a problem with my daughter being so shy with others outside the home that she wouldn't say it to people she didn't know well.

We model it, but don't prompt her at 3. It makes me cringe when I see people making very young children to say please and thank you.

DD is an incredibly kind and considerate child for her age and imo, that's more important than always remembering to say please and thank you.

As an aside, I've noticed when traveling that other languages and cultures don't use please and thank you as much as UK and I didn't find the people rude - they were polite other ways.

It makes you cringe to see people teaching their children manners?!

I do wonder what others think when my dd doesn't say P and TY, especially other parents and her teachers. What do you think when a child isn't polite? Do you think badly of the parents?

I definitely think badly of the parents.

The adults in the house need to talk as politely as you want the children to, every single time, both to each other and to the children. My children have started thanking the person who cooked for a lovely dinner, without ever being asked to, just because that’s what they hear. You can help it along with praise when they get it right.

Off topic slightly:

DS1 was about 7 when he went to a magicians show and chosen to go on stage. At a vital point in the trick, the magician asked: "What's the magic word?" My son confidently : "Please!"

Anyhow I have two sons, one only says these things when he remembers. The other is unfailingly polite as he knows it helps grease the wheels.

The other day we had a kid's birthday party. After the meal, kids abandoned the table in chaos, except one girl who stood up, turned to me and said "Thank you for the lovely meal [pizza!], would you like me to help you clear up?"

We have always stuck to this principle. People are always amazed at how charming and polite our 5yo DS is when he’s out. He really is a joy. He’s an absolute monster at home but we can live with that 😂 www.parenta.com/2019/11/01/should-we-force-children-to-say-please-and-thank-you/

My DS always had excellent manners and I instilled it into him and he also modelled my behaviour. It is a long game but it does work.

I hate bad manners. I once drove a friends friend to hers for the day, there and back, paid for the petrol, got back so late and I fully expected a thank you. I did not. What I got was a let me know next time and I'll come too. A grown woman.

Although please and thank you are important so is the rest of the sentence. I work with large groups of children and would far prefer 'can I have a drink?' to 'I want a drink please' or 'I need a drink please'

DD was great and P and TY when she was small (under 4) now she's 6 she forgets more often.

We remind her, every, single, time.

Nothing gets handed over without being asked for correctly.

We also have quite a firm preference on "Please MAY I have..?" rather than "Please CAN I have..?" we don't correct it per se, but if she says "Can I have a...?" we'll respond with "Please may I have a...?".

It's boring for all involved, but I desperately don't want to bring up an entitled child, good manners will work in her favour.

It's not really teaching them manners though is it? It's teaching them to say a specific word to get what they want. It doesn't come from the heart, it's just being drummed into them. To me, that's not true politeness.

My 3yo often says please, thank you, excuse me and you're welcome. But I don't force it at all. She is kind and polite and offers to share things without prompting, because she wants to, not because she feels like she has to or somebody will tell her off.