How do you get children to say please and thank you?

[deaconjohn]

I really do try to teach my children manners, but they don't always say please and thank you. One of my dd's friends (they are both 5) always says please and thank you and is very polite. Her 18 month old sister says thank you too! I asked her mum what she did to raise such a polite children and she says she just encouraged manners very early (from the start) and will remind her every time she forgets. It obviously works, but seems a bit over the top. Should I be doing the same thing? What are your experiences?

I do wonder what others think when my dd doesn't say P and TY

It depends. "Give me a drink" I would be a bit shocked. "Can I have a drink" in a soft voice I might not even notice. DD even says old lady things like "would you be a dear and get me some tea?" like she's my granny!

Just encouragement and being polite myself.
my 2 year old now says you’re welcome too when I say thank you to him.
he also says thank you when we get off the bus because he’s so used to me saying it 😂

Without fail pull them up on it. Every time. And yes I do judge the parents of children who are consistently lacking in manners (not just the odd excited “can I have a drink” but when I’ve driven 30 minutes to a sports fixture and they don’t say thanks for the ride). It’s interesting as DS has been with the same cohort since age 3. Now nearly 14 - the kids who didn’t say please and thank you at age 6 don’t magically acquire manners at 13. Conversely, the little ones whose parents consistently corrected them are now consistently well mannered teens.

Model it and heap praise on them when they get it right. At work (secondary school) if I want good manners I profusely praise the first person to say thank you and then they all trip over themselves to be polite usually!

Depends on their age 5/6 and under wouldn't even bat an eyelid. Little ones are still learning.

7-10 I'd probably be a bit like "oh they must have forgotten"

Older child to teen I'd think, "that kid is rude"

But again not off one interaction, only if I dealt with the child regularly and they never said please or thank you.

One off encounters, not bothered by at all.

By far the best way is to model it yourself and to always say please and thank you to your dcs and to other people.

when I’ve driven 30 minutes to a sports fixture and they don’t say thanks for the ride

I used to house 'challenging' youth and I remember two girls distinctly. One was my client. She asked me to give her cousin a lift. A long lift out of my way. I did. They both got out of the car. I waited. My client came back and said, "I'm sorry she didn't say thanks, I wanted to, I'll never ask you to give her a lift again". That girl had real manners and I told her as much.

It takes you far in life.

I model but don't prompt. She's picked it up just from that. Not every time, but I think having to say please for every single request is a bit archaic anyway. If you ask in a polite tone of voice, rather than demanding, it's implied. I'd rather she said it because she meant it rather than only saying it so she doesn't get nagged.

Yep you have to remind them every single time. Incredibly tiresome but eventually it works.

I can’t advise how to teach from age 5 other than to keep prompting until it becomes engrained? I encouraged it from 12 months with both of mine as it’s more likely to become engrained if taught in the first couple of years. I taught them by modelling it during direct conversation with them multiple times a day whenever the opportunity arose for a please and a thank you. I have a 3 year old and 18 month old and they both always say please and thank you. It’s not out of politeness as I don’t think they understand that yet, it’s more of a habit as they’re used to saying it now, but they will understand the meaning of it as they get older.

I will be honest I am a bit irritated when a child doesn’t say please and thank you, especially when they’re out of the toddler years. I’m not irritated at the child, just the fact manners aren’t being taught. You should start now though op, better late than never.

My experience is that I wish a lot more parents were like your fiend!

Manners are essential and I've instilled them in my girls. If they do t say please or thanks then those requests are not met.

I used to not let go of whatever the children wanted until they had said Please or thank you

Yes, just keep reminding.

Although it reminds me that when she was about 18mo, DD2 used to come over to you with her hand held out saying "ta" in an increasingly aggressive tone of voice if she wanted something you had 😂

Ours were always spot on when exported outside the house.

Inside the house they often need an eyebrow and "What's the magic word". With repetitive reinforcement I'm sure they will learn to remember every time.

I try to make allowances, they are only 27 and 24.

😂 that tickled me

😂😂😂

Haha yes DS went through a simar stage.

I'd have something he wanted and he would go "ta".."taaa" "TA!" And wave his little hamster hand at me 😂

DD was v cute around 18 months because she couldn't say please so she said 'pea' instead 😻

But yes repetition & reminding. DD 10 99% of the time says it, it's a lovely thing to hear. It really grates (to me) when anyone doesn't say it, no matter who they are

“What’s the magic word” or “I’m sorry but I can’t hear you” (if I was being a little mean) did the trick
for us.

DS is 9 and quite polite in general. However, he does occasionally get a bit over excited and forgets his manners. Last week he got a lift home from my BIL after football and he just slammed the car door and ran in shouting that they’d won. I had to remind
him to say thank you. I think I’d be willing to make
allowances for kids, they’re still learning.

I still prompt mine when they forget (10 & 7) and model it. Plus remind them to thank shop assistants, cafe staff etc.

I also explain to them WHY they need to say it - they understand that it alters his they are perceived by others, and it's to their benefit to be liked/approved of. It's a form of social manipulation, but it gets them a lot of leeway when they need it, like being more welcomed than rude kids in our regular cafes etc. they actually get a fair few freebies out of it! Which is very, very effective reinforcement!

Why is reminding them to be polite over the top?

You lead by example by being polite and reminding them when they forget. Basic parenting.

I have to say I do judge parents when you're out with their little darlings and they don't encourage good manners. I don't judge if wee Timmy forgets to say thank you when I unwrap his juice box, but I do if his mum doesn't remind him. That's just a bit crap really.

My DPs nephews have not been taught to say please or thank you. They are now teen-agers and I find it very difficult to be around them as I find their behaviour very rude. "Would you like a drink?" "Yes". In my own house?! Un

Posted too soon! It's one of my bugbears as my parents are very big on manners but to not even be asked politely or thanked in my own house is unbearable!
My children have always been told to say please, thank you. When leaving a friend's house they must say thank you for having me, come and say hello and goodbye to visitors. It's just manners and people always comment on how polite they are. Good!

Thing is, people don't notice good manners as much as they notice rudeness and poor manners.

My five year old knows a raised eyebrow from me means there’s some manners that have been missed - she’s quick to work out which ones and we then continue with whatever we were doing. This works well for public situations where you can’t always remind vocally. I remember my mother doing the same to me.