How do you get children to say please and thank you?

[deaconjohn]

I really do try to teach my children manners, but they don't always say please and thank you. One of my dd's friends (they are both 5) always says please and thank you and is very polite. Her 18 month old sister says thank you too! I asked her mum what she did to raise such a polite children and she says she just encouraged manners very early (from the start) and will remind her every time she forgets. It obviously works, but seems a bit over the top. Should I be doing the same thing? What are your experiences?

My ds has always had exemplary manners ( far from perfect child ).

I don't kniw why.. I always modelled it. Didn't go over the top but would use makaton sign to remind him.

I think i just got lucky really

People always trot this out, but honestly it's not a valuable distinction to me. Sincerity is great, but in this case it's not actually important. We work on a social contract. Whether it's "true politeness" or not isn't important. In UK society, please and thank you are universally respected, and the lack of them is interpreted as rudeness, rightly or wrongly. Just like you ask how someone is when you don't really care, you say thank you if you're not really grateful. Those rules might be stupid, but you're not doing your kid any favours by not teaching them to follow them.

You can teach them by modelling, it doesn't have to be all raised eyebrows, sarcasm and "what's the magic word?". None of those things are polite either. Which is why I don't like seeing people do that with small children.

My kids have awesome manners.
Strong reinforcement here & now it's second nature. They get lots of compliments.

I also expect them to say hello when spoken to, which is looked down on my MN as not respecting their boundaries.

Nope. If they are confident, pleasant & well mannered it will definitely get them further than rudeness and ignoring people.

None of those things are polite either. Which is why I don't like seeing people do that with small children

I sort of agree, but I'd also argue it's modelling the reality of life which is what you give, you get back.
Rude demands = short response.
Polite request = obliging response

By modelling and enforcing it since they could start talking

If they don't say please they don't get what they've asked for, people on here don't like this comparison, but it's accurate, young children are like dogs in terms of 'training' them

They quickly learn to get x you need to do y

Modelling the behaviour I want.

Mine are a lot older than yours but have had it drilled into them to always use their pleases and thank yous. If they don’t say it, I will always prompt.

And sure, people are able to say please and thank you in a rude way. I don’t know why so many people point this out like human beings can’t work out nuance and tone and intent? Of course they can.

Love the three year old that minds her manners despite never being taught anything! If only all children learned through absorbing expectations rather than having to be shown verbally or physically

Sounds too me like you think it's too much effort

I reminded them every time when they were little and still do it now that they are both a bit older. Although they rarely forget with other people, it's just when they're being lazy at home 🤣

My 2 year old has been doing it since he started talking. It's just one of those things - never tried very hard but the pick up what is going on around them and what people say to them.

No reminders for 'please' - if it is forgotten, they have to say the whole sentence again, including the missing please (much less hassle to say 'please' the first time 😂). Reminders for 'thank you' - every time!

I say it to them, pretty much every time even when I'm sort of telling them off. So I'll
Say 'can you stop doing that please', 'can you walk a bit faster and stop messing about please?'. I think they just learn that that's how you talk to people and all my children are very good with manners, even my two year old says 'excuse me' and please and thank you routinely.

This is the kind of thing I mean. My husband is quite formal and always thanks me for dinner if I've made it. The kids do it too now because they just think that's what you do!

I remind my daughter if she doesn't but she usually does. I always say please and thank you to her though so I think in some ways it's a learnt behaviour

Endlessly reminding. My DSD is a great kid but it took until she was well over seven to get consistent with please and thank you. And now I feign deafness if she’s not polite. That works very well as she’s old enough to spot what’s missing (and care that she wants to be polite) but not old enough to behave like an eyerolling teenager.
Now we’re working on ‘I’m not your servant’. ‘Please can I have a glass of water’ sounds lovely but if you can reach the glasses and the tap then it’s time to serve yourself! 😀

Learn the Makaton sign for please and thank you if you can't raise one eyebrow. I still occasionally have to do it to DD now and she's 15!

I always said please and thank you to my DC to encourage them to follow...
I'm also from the era of
"What's the magic words" if they ever forgot to say it I'd prompt them with that phrase.

I say it to them, pretty much every time even when I'm sort of telling them off. So I'll
Say 'can you stop doing that please', 'can you walk a bit faster and stop messing about please?'.

Ha! Yes me too! It's amazing how polite I can be while growling with steam coming out of my ears 😂

Also think it's helpful to praise them if you've noticed them using their manners with other people and tell them it makes you very proud. Mine love that.

We remind them every time.

Weirdly though, DS10 is extraordinarily polite around other people and when at other people's houses but when it's just us at home he tends to revert to "can you get me a snack."

So we're still working on the idea that manners are needed at home

Same (and my children's manners are frequently complimented).

As they got a bit older I talked about manners with them explicitly, including in relation to please and thank you. So 4yo understands that these phrases can make people feel good when they're giving or doing something for us, and 9yo understands that different people have slightly different priorities or ideas about manners, and pretty much everyone likes please and thank you but some people are also quite particular about 'may I' rather than 'can I' and blah blah.

Occasionally I will prompt for a forgotten please or thank you, when tone of voice suggests the need for gratitude has been overlooked ("I just did something for you 🤨") but in general I don't need to.

For me 'manners' in the abstract is not a real priority, but being considerate is, and manners are a big part of that. So I model it and later explain it, but I'm less hot on picking up on the magical formulation of words every time. Somehow mine grasped it very early on anyway. (The only thing I can think of that I've really gone the 'pick them up on it every time' route for is chewing with mouths open, bleurgh!)

This reminds me that when my eldest went to nursery he clearly witnessed someone being thanked for wiping down the table after mealtimes because he suddenly started thanking me whenever I did so!

you say please and thank you to them

When parents talk about the relentlessness of parenting, this is one of those times. From very small, you deal with it every. single. time. Very gently to start with and more firmly later. But you, the parent, need to be relentless.

ALWAYS say please and thank you yourself. Monkey see, monkey do.

Also play the card game Happy Families as you have to say please and thank you to get a card from another player.

Reminding can help but it needs to become automatic.

Repetition.
If they don't say it they are prompted but it's very rare they don't.
My kids have special needs but their impeccable manners are always noted as it's very important to me.