Were you taught social niceties as a child?

[tomorrowalready]

This may seem strange but watching the Queen's funeral reminded me of something I have been curious about. For background I am a woman, over 60, my mother died young and my father was unsocial to say the least. Relatively recently I noticed that many if not most women automatically reach behind and make a smoothing motion over their hips and thighs when sitting down even when wearing trousers. I have only become aware of this from watching television hence my mention of QE's funeral coverage. I notice Charlotte did it on getting into their car on leaving the funeral and her mother also. I honestly have no idea if most women do this in daily life or how they know to do it. Presumably taught by mothers/female relatives but has it always been so? I mean were others my age consciously taught and passed it on or has it developed more recently? I never understood about handshaking either: when and how to do it, who starts and finishes it , why so much significance is assigned to it.

To be clear I am not worried about this just curious if parents generally consciously teach such niceties and how they know how to do it.

Only if wearing a skirt or dress that hangs as I would be avoiding creases. Wouldn’t do it in trousers. I’m 51.

I’d do this in a skirt but wasn’t taught it.

My parents were not great at teaching things like the correct response to someone thanking you.

It is part copying and part being taught. My parents did say 'shake hands' or 'stand up' but then in other situations e.g. church you just stand when everyone else does and then eventually realise you know when you are supposed to get up and down. Lots of gestures are copied. I do the smoothing thing and I just wear jeans .

I was taught what to say in certain circumstances and I am similar with my kids I guess, there are topics we discuss in the house that I tell them are not for discussion outside the home (how much something costs for example).

My DM always taught me to use the person’s name when saying hello. Also to say ‘Very well thank you.’ When asked how I am..

i've never heard of it being taught as such.
i imagine that if a girl sat on ruched up skirt/dress then it would be uncomfortable.
also the awareness of creasing the clothes.
so i guess it becomes a habit on autopilot, persisting when wearing trousers.
when i was young i used to wonder why men tweaked yp their trousers just above the knee when about to kneel in church.
later i did it myself, as it gave room for the bend of the knee, so more comfortable, also to reduce stretching of the material over the bent knee.

No not taught it. It's just common sense. If you don't smooth your clothes when you sit, it's uncomfortable. You work that out pretty quickly yourself.

Was definitely taught to keep my knees together! 😃

This is a very interesting discussion. I’m sure I was taught a fair amount of stuff like this but I don’t remember being taught it. I’m in my late thirties so have plenty of adult life experience and a lot of it has probably come from that rather than being taught as a child.

There are a few things I don’t do as an adult that I was taught as a child - one is taking up space. I am a tall broad woman & will not put up with manspreading on public transport, in cinemas etc. But I was always taught to sit neatly, legs and arms tucked away. Doesn’t happen now.

The other thing is more of a working class affectation but I stopped referring to older adults/parents’ friends as “auntie” and “uncle” as soon as I hit my late teens.

Yes, I teach my children social niceties. How and when to shake hands, also to always say ‘thank you for coming’ / ‘thank you for having me’ on playdates, don’t talk with your mouth full, etc etc.

Also don’t play with your private parts in public 👀

Nobody taught me this, I did it so my skirt didn't get creased. My parents taught me nothing.

My parents and my Grandparents (Mom's parents),. My Grandparents were involved in Politics and were invited to lot of state events along with my parents, aunts and uncles. My older cousins and I were invited to these events also so we learned by observing mainly. I also went to a religious school where a lot of etiquette was thought admittely at lunch time. Things like formal place setting, how to sit gracefully etc.

Was always taught to shake hands, say 'nice to meet you/thank you for having me' etc. We also had to address everyone as aunty/uncle.

Interesting replies from those who realised about their clothes getting creased for themselves. I have been wondering if women who appear of TV shows also get specific training in this kind of thing. I do watch a lot of TV now but I have just been getting my dinner and thinking some more about it. Obviously my mother's early death had a huge affect on my development (I was 7) but I had already absorbed the message that getting any attention was a bad thing.

I was also pondering if it is a private school thing for headteachers/teachers to shake all their pupils' hands or just a special nicety for royal children? It has prompted a memory of our new school headteacher shaking my brother's and my hands when we started a new school after our mother's death. At a state school primary but never done again. He was a huge man and it made me very uncomfortable as I had also absorbed the message of don't talk to or touch strangers.

Not smoothing my clothes, but putting my hand over my mouth when coughing or yawning. Eating with my mouth closed. basic manners but not really social niceties.

Using the right cutlery counts I suppose.

Basic manners around eating, yes. Not much else, really. I have very little idea of proper social behaviour.

Interesting thread!

At my private primary school we all had to shake the headmistress's hand and say goodbye to her before leaving at the end of the day. It took forever lol. We also stood up when the teachers entered the room.

I recall an au pair of mine telling me to say "thank you" after I sneezed and she said "bless you". She was surprised I didn't know that rule.

Generally, I think I wasn't taught all the rules and could sometimes come across as a brat because of it. I've been told as an adult to make more effort with eye contact when I meet people. These things aren't fully intuitive to me even though I'm not neurodiverse.

I'm not sure about the clothes creases. I wasn't taught it and I don't think I do it unless I'm in formal wear and feeling uncomfortably aware of my clothes.

I have noticed that a lot of things I wasn't taught by my parents that my DCs were taught at private school. They always say you're welcome if someone thanks them for something, they also are used to shaking hands etc and if someone asks how they are they always ask back, I would say I do this but definitely didnt teach them it and i wouldnt have done it as young as they did.

My mum wasn't taught anything my her parents and my dad's family were very working class and didn't do anything formal in any way. They were polite etc but not in a formal way. I think smoothing the skirt is a self conscious thing for me, making sure it's under my knickers when I sit down and also to make sure it doesn't crease. I wasn't taught it but I imagine Charlotte was as not sure a 7 year old would think to do it on their own.

Yes, absolutely. I was taught,

All the table manners. Please may I be excused, what cutlery to use, sit nicely till everyone's finished. Don't start eating until everyone's seated and with their plate in front of them. Wait for prayers.

Coughing/sneezing etiquette.

Keep your legs together when sitting.

Speak to adults when they speak to you. Say more than one thing and ask a follow up question of them.

Look people in the eye when you meet them. If they offer a hand, shake their hand.

There were some things I wasn't taught that I had to learn later. Like how to hold a conversation on both sides of the table, how to enter a room confidently, how to talk to children and seniors.

We were also taught how to say thank you to hosts. Thank you for having me Mrs Brown (always with their last name!)

I was wondering about t some of these things.

standing up when people walk into a room I wasn't taught as a child but learnt that much later when I I interviewed at a private school in mid 20s, thorough observation.

Some of the things are a practical not an etiquette/ manners thing lie ssmoothing skirt.

A colleague has the best manners etiquette ever and and I must ask her about it sometime I could do with her lessons. I think she must have had 'finishing school' type classes at her school. She is delightful.

Hand shakes are odd and I only do them at interview really. And there a few styles (also noticed this at the private school). I never offer my hand and then do three up and downs and try and retreat!

What @Watchthesunrise said. All of that and more.
Ordinary working class (for the most part) Irish family with on both sides huge interest in the arts and culture

And I was taught never to introduce my mum or nana as "this is my nana". I had to say, "this is my grandmother, [her name]".

Same here, mum’s parents were working class Irish immigrants.

Was always taught to turn a handle when opening/closing a door, not just pushing it closed and therefore making a noise.
Always say thank you for having me, always say ‘that was very nice thank you’ after dinner. I work in primary and it’s obvious which chn are from families that practise manners.

No my dm was very anti social due to her anxiety.

It wasn't until I was in my twenties that I was taught things like - to say hello to people when you enter a room and to say you're welcome when someone thanks you! I'm sure there are more invisible rules that I don't know yet either.