If you've ever been phased out/ghosted by a friend, this way please...

[BarnetTroubles]

Because it's happened to me and it f**ing hurts.

I don't even know if I have a right to be upset - angry even, because if someone has decided to cut you out, it's their choice and I guess that's the bottom line.

However, when nothing has happened, when you're told time and time again that it's not you, it's them...they're just shit at keeping in touch, but you start to slowly but surely realise that it really is you, it's so hurtful.

I was wondering the other day, would I be less hurt if she just turned around and said, 'yep, sorry I'm just not feeling this friendship anymore' ? Probably not, but I guess it would officially draw a line under it and there wouldn't be this niggling feeling of 'maybe I'm wrong and she really is just really busy'.

Thing is, I really do know. She's made a conscious decision to end our friendship, but didn't want to tell me outright, understandably I guess.

Friendships fizzle and that's life, but when you got on so well and you don't feel like either of you have really changed, it's difficult to accept and move on, even though of course you have to.

Can anyone relate? Sucks doesn't it?

I can. But my son, not a friend. Its been two and a half years with no reason.

It's heartbreaking.

Holding your hand OP.

Been there. 11 years ago. It does hurt but you do move on. Chin up OP💐

Oh @OldTinHat , I can't even imagine how much that must hurt. I'm so sorry.

Yep. Currently feel like this and it was my best friend of 40 years. I think it’s down to jealousy and snobbery (weird combo but highly likely knowing her as I do). Nothing I can do to change my circumstances (death and inheritance) to suit her, so will just have to live with her decision. Feeling very sad and disappointed.

Yup, friend of 10 years suddenly ghosted me 18 months ago. No idea why.
I'm very upset and worried that I might have said or done something inadvertently to upset her. I've been blocked so she obviously doesn't want me to contact her.

I’ve been there. To be honest I wish I’d just been ghosted rather than the 3 or 4 awkward conversations where my “friend” insisted that nothing was the matter, she was just busy/rubbish at communication/insert crap reason. I still don’t know what happened, and it hurt a lot at the time but I’ve moved on now and it’s her loss!

Yes, though my friend did tell me she was ending the friendship, felt it was 'stagnant'. This was my best and closest friend for 35 years.

The most painful thing I have ever felt, up there with my husband's lying and cheating.

Yes, about 15 years ago. We had been housemates, travelled together, etc. The person I knew changed overnight and then disappeared from my life. Extremely weird, even now

I'm really sorry to those of you who have been through the same thing.

@Greenfinch7 that's brutal! Stagnant?! I'm not surprised you were so affected by it.

It has happened to me, and it hurt. Similar experience of her not saying it, but a bullshit message about how busy at work she is. I am really disappointed that she valued me so little that I wasn't worth a more upfront conversation, especially given that her job is about communication. But, saying that, I have also done it to someone myself, as we just weren't getting on as well and I felt suffocated. I still feel shit about that too if it helps.

I've deleted and blocked the person so there's no danger of them contacting me again to mess with my head. so sorry op.

I recently faded out 2 friendships
one the person was annoying me and patronising
and the second she treated me like shit for ages and I guess the realisation that she kept me around as an ego boast was pretty eye opening. So I just don’t engage anymore. I’ll reply with a “fine thx hope you’re good” if she reaches out but I’d happily never see her again
I’m sure she’s spinning a sob story that I’ve ghosted her but yeah, fuck her

I’ve just been yelled at in the street by a friend I ended the friendship with. Lord of reasons why - but basically at the end of the day I wasn’t enjoying the friendship.

She is livid. Some things she said about me were fair - I could have handled it better. Some things were very not fair.

I offered to sit down and talk to her about it but I’m not sure if that will really help.

I have no desire to hire her at all. I just don’t want is wind time with her.

My advice OP would be not to tie yourself up on knots about why and how awful she is, have I been awful etc

it is what it is. Find people who you do fit with - there will be lots who do want to hang out with you and who you do fit with. Onwards and upwards.

😔

Why didn’t you just tell her you felt she was treating you badly?

It really hard to explain but it was like, I didn’t realise for so long? This veil just kind of came down one random day
qnd just all this stuff, little remarks, digs, jumping down my throat excluded me from things, laughing at me behind my back, couldn’t think of the last nice thing she did or said about me for years before
even stupid stuff like, realising she’d make complimentary remarks about people… I could t remember anything pleasant she’d said about me. Just little backhanded comments. Made me feel very worthless

and I just felt so stupid? Like, if she had been a boyfriend I’d have realised soon
bit I genuinely thought she was my friend and I guess I was the last to know she wasn’t
embarrassing really

Makes sense, glad you have removed them then, they don’t sound like any kind of friend, You shouldn’t feel stupid as this can happen to anyone

Thank you :)

Yep. Only a 5 yr friendship, but our DD’s had been best friends since birth. That made it so horrible as I had to explain to DD that I was trying very hard to arrange a meetup with her best friend, but her best friend’s mummy was ignoring me.

Weirdly then 2 yrs later she texted ‘am near your house, wanna coffee?’ But apparently she could only do right that second and by then I wasn’t super keen to remind DD of her long lost friend anyway. I suggested a different day and never heard back.

People are incredibly weird and incredibly selfish.

This happened to me a long time ago. I'd gone through a divorce and my best friend of 30 plus years just gradually disappeared. She never called, and as I realised I was the only one making contact, I had to stop calling her and being the only one to make any contact.
I didn't hear from her after that for years, then out of the blue, over a decade later she text. We met up a few times but now she's done it again. I don't mind so much this time.

I'm sorry you are hurting. It happened to me 20 years ago and I still think of her fondly. I have often wondered how I would react if I ran into her. She lives in a suburb of the medium sized City I live in so I have found it strange we have not run into one another in all this time. It does get better.

I ghost people.

I cant deal with confrontation or drama, I cant deal with getting too close to people either because attachment and feelings mean they have the capacity to hurt you.

I've been through so much in my life I'm never sure if I'm justified or if I'm being gaslit when things happen.

It is 100% about me, and very little to do with the person I ghost. That said I think absolutely nothing of cutting people out when I get pissed off with them too.

Its not a nice way to behave, but for lots of people it's a coping mechanism.

So sorry OP, I know how hurtful it is, it happened to me years ago. 🤔

More recently though, I've been ghosted by a whole friendship group, by default. 🙁 I'm in a group of four. One member upset another, myself and the other weren't there, but were told by the upset friend. I admit I'm the quietest, prob most easygoing of the group. Anyway, the person who caused the upset is keeping in touch with me, I've met her for coffee but being a bit distant, as don't want to upset the other two. I've suggested meeting up with them while the 'ringleader' is on holiday, they seemed keen but then cancelled on me, and gave non-committal responses when I tried to rearrange. I've now left them to it, neither have contacted me in 2 months now (I think they're meeting on their own).

The one who caused the upset texts me occasionally (I don't feel comfortable cutting her off completely, she's asked me if she's upset the other 2, but I've been told not to say anything). 🤔

Tbh she & myself haven't really got enough in common just the 2 of us (she's quite fiery!), the other 2 don't want to do the 'group' thing anymore and don't think to include me in their plans (although I've been a good friend to all of them), so I feel abandoned and more upset than I expected.

It hurts OP, I'm completely with you on that. 🙁

Yes. Going through it now and it hurts. Gone from really full on close friendship to full on zero contact full on ghosting. I've tried a few times to reach out and see what's occuring but got nothing.

I wish I had advice but I don't other than to grieve the loss and let time run its course

As an older adult I have lovely friends whose company I enjoy. If they quietly move on from me that’s fine - their loss. Have a lovely Dh and my sisters so whilst it’s brilliant having lots of local friends to hang out with and do stuff with I don’t get emotionally invested. It’s too risky as this thread proves! Think those intense “do or die” friendships are more for teens or young adults. Just not that intense when you’re nearly 50..