If you've ever been phased out/ghosted by a friend, this way please...

[BarnetTroubles]

Because it's happened to me and it f**ing hurts.

I don't even know if I have a right to be upset - angry even, because if someone has decided to cut you out, it's their choice and I guess that's the bottom line.

However, when nothing has happened, when you're told time and time again that it's not you, it's them...they're just shit at keeping in touch, but you start to slowly but surely realise that it really is you, it's so hurtful.

I was wondering the other day, would I be less hurt if she just turned around and said, 'yep, sorry I'm just not feeling this friendship anymore' ? Probably not, but I guess it would officially draw a line under it and there wouldn't be this niggling feeling of 'maybe I'm wrong and she really is just really busy'.

Thing is, I really do know. She's made a conscious decision to end our friendship, but didn't want to tell me outright, understandably I guess.

Friendships fizzle and that's life, but when you got on so well and you don't feel like either of you have really changed, it's difficult to accept and move on, even though of course you have to.

Can anyone relate? Sucks doesn't it?

Last summer,a friend of over 35 years, she didn't like it because I said I was surprised she had her heating on last June. She got really angry, deleted all our FB. chatting. The irony is,I was thinking of cooling with her,she was so negative, always moaning, about her DH,Kids, GKs,life, she got worse during the first lockdown,it was an affront to her personal liberty, she never learned to drive,lived in a village,pleaded poverty, although parents and in-laws had died since I'd known her,she was left well over half a mill,never spent money,never had holidays,never went abroad. 2 months after ghosting me,she died, my daughter found out from hers. I never told them what happened.

Yup, been there. My best friend of 20 years ghosted me out of the blue last year. I realised when she failed to contact me to wish me a happy birthday on my 40th.

I looked back at our contact over the previous year or two and every single chat, meet up, etc had been instigated by me. We both have busy lives with young kids, etc but had so much shared history.

I have no idea why she did it, she’s blocked me on all social media so I’ve no idea what is going on with her. I do know that she and her family are all fine and healthy via other friends.

I was really upset for a long time, and then I got angry. If she can’t have the decency to say “I think this has run its course” or have the courage to disagree with me about something then quite frankly I don’t want her in my life.

I struggle to make friends, she was pretty much my only close friend that still lived nearby, so I’ve had to force myself out there a bit more. I’ve set up a monthly dinner night with a group of other mum’s at school so slowly but surely I’m establishing a new tribe.

Yep, it’s brutal. Mine was a close friend, we went travelling for 4 months and also lived together… then my Dad died and when I emerged from
the fog, my friendship had gone. (This was someone who had met my Dad and knew how close we were, so even harder.) Saw via a mutual friend on Facebook many years later that they’d had a baby, so I threw caution to the wind and sent a message of congratulations; it was read immediately and then ignored.

It still hurts, but I know I didn’t do anything wrong.

Yep, happened to me. We'd meet a few times a year as a group (old school friends) but communicate via a WhatsApp group regularly.

Friend A stopped responding to my direct messages and wasn't really active in the group. When I got pregnant and announced it to them (via WhatsApp because no meet ups were being planned) she barely said two words, and she has kids of her own so I don't think it was any sort of jealousy or hurt over it.

Got to the point, after about a year and a half, I stopped messaging the group and didn't message on her birthday etc., and when DD was born I didn't even bother telling her although she said congratulations on a SM post.

Shortly after that, Friend B started to do the same. By this point I assume that Friend A had said something about me not directly telling her about the birth and made it out to be my fault. I sent her a direct message on her birthday and one at Christmas but when she didn't reply or message me about anything else, including my birthday, I decided that neither were worth the stress and tears they had caused and blocked them from all channels of communication.

It's sad as it had been 20+ years and it felt worse because I genuinely hadn't done anything, that I was aware, of to warrant it but I felt much better when I made the decision to block them and remove them completely instead of having them looking into my life but never actively being involved.

Would it have been better if they had raised any issues with me? I think so as it could have been addressed and resolved or a line drawn under it but if they can do what they did, they're not worth trying with...

I hope you feel better soon OP.

Some hurtful examples of ghosting here, I wish people who do it knew of the hurt they cause. 🤔

To the poster who said maybe one-on-one , 'friends forever' type of friendships are maybe more for the young, I tend to agree! I do a lot with dh, and shows & cinema mainly with my dd and sister. They never cancel, unlike other 'friends' of mine. I also move in groups, get together with work colleagues every few nonths, we have a 'neighbours' meet-up every few months and I belong to a book club that meet weekly.

Anyway who knows me or is linked on Facebook would think I have a thriving social life, but most of these are more acquaintances (although I enjoy their company). Friends I've had for years rarely get in touch unless I do, whereas these groups are always there.

For more 'major' events, birthdays/weekends away etc it tends to be dh, dd or my sister. Friends tend to say yes one minute and make an excuse on the day. A real shame, but I've almost accepted it now, and reach out a lot less.

Yes. It was really painful. I've had a few mum friends that part ways from me as soon as it becomes apparent that our kids are going in the same direction so I can put that down to not really being friends in the first place, just someone familiar to pass play dates with.

But one friend I babysat for, drove 250 miles to spend her birthday with. Saw her weekly. Then as soon as she got her child into a private school and my son got diagnosed with asd she made up a series of reason why she couldn't meet up. Made various invites to meet me which she flaked on 50%.

I stopped making contact as it was obvious what she was doing when all her excuses ran out. I saw her out with her mate one day. As i had bumped into her she had to tell me her dh had died but it was so clear that she wasnt going to tell me. That was 7 years ago and it still hurts. I did breify get in touch when her dh died but she only told me under duress I think as I bumped into her off gaurd.

I will never know but I think my crime was not being middle class enough with a disabled child

I was ghosted

I did not see it coming, thought we would always be friends.

She did it very slowly, by degrees, so that I would tell myself I was being paranoid

Properly thinking about it, afterwards, I came to a shock realisation. Her relationship was dire and the children were being brought up in less than ideal circumstance, but she had convinced herself I was terribly jealous.

The end of her relationship revealed that I was only ever concerned for her and never jealous.

I think she can't forgive me for shattering the illusion.

She also pretends not to have seen me in the street in a really childish and cringey way.

I'm not hurt anymore, but I still can't fathom it. I genuinely didn't do anything wrong

It’s happened twice. The last time we met on each occasion, so far as I knew, everything was fine. Texted after we’d met up and said I’d enjoyed our day. Reply was positive, then next text went unanswered, Christmas cards not reciprocated, no further contact.

I’d just like to know why.

Twice. Best friend ghosted me after I had supported her (housed and fed her) after a very traumatic experience. A wise friend said I knew too much. Another cut me off after a disagreement about the WI stance on TWAW. The first was by far the worst.

💐 to everyone who's experienced this.

I've had this, more than once. It hurts so much that I can't even write about it, still. One situation totally perplexed me, I asked directly if I'd done something, she reassured me but just essentially ceased contact. We weren't super-close but had lovely relaxed times together with our kids. I think she just didn't see a place for me in her life at a certain point.

Another (that I can't bear to write about) was someone who I felt so close to that it still hurts to think she isn't my friend. I have more of an idea of 'why' in this case; she actually hadn't been a good friend to me for a while but I still miss her, so much.

It's harder to get over than a romantic relationship I think.

A few years ago me and a mum would regularly meet with our kids in the park. I asked to meet one summer and silence.
Found out her husband had been sick over the summer (hence the silence) and that he’d died early winter. I sent a condolences messages, she replied Thanks love. Then silence. Then maybe 8 months after his death she saw on the street and asked If I have any jobs at my place of work - I messaged her HR details and then guess what. SILENCE ..
i hate the silent treatment it’s pathetic.

Long time ago my best friend ghosted me, it was nothing to do with me…turns out she was incredibly embarrassed about something

during the 3/4 years (may have been less…felt like a long time) i spoke about my hurt to another friend, told her just how awful it was to not know what I’d done wrong and not having the opportunity to apologise and make it better

eventually i sent a letter to my best friend and she rang me to explain and apologise….we made up

then the other friend fucking ghosted me 😳

never ever forgiving her and letting it go…she knew how much it hurt me and she did it to me again. The only thing i can think of was that she was pissed off that id made up with my best friend

this was years ago….totes over it now 😀 (😒 wouldn’t piss on her if she was on fire)

@FannyAintMeAunt you don’t think maybe she was kinda busy grieving her husband?

Yes happened to me about 12 years ago..
The strange thing is that for the past few years she has sent me one of those weird email birthday cards with music, but from her husband’s email (the message inside is from her) 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I was good friends with a girl from work and even after she left we stayed in touch, going for dinner or drinks every few months. On one occasion I realised I couldn't make it and she was fine about it, but totally ignored me when I contacted her the following week to rearrange. Months went by and I sent a handful of friendly texts, each one read and ignored. Finally she text back saying I clearly wasn't interested in being friends and then kind of signed off, saying she hoped I was doing well and my family were ok. I replied of course I wanted to be friends, I just had to cancel one evening because I had an unwell 4year old. She never replied. I really hope when she has children of her own and she has to cancel a night out her new friends are way more understanding.

I slowly disengaged with a friend of 15 years because she was causing all sorts of drama and problems for me and wasn't very nice to me. I worried about the fallout if I just said I didn't want to be close friends anymore snd we have mutual friends so would still see her at stuff so had to just consciously slowly let it fizzle out. Previous to this we did have several heated discussions around her behaviour etc but nothing ever changed and she would never admit to doing even a single thing wrong everything was always mine or everyone elses fault. The friendship was affecting my mental health and my other relationships.

Do you know why your friend no longer wants to be close?

These kind of things don't hurt me they are part of life.

A really good friend of more than 20 years is ghosting our close friendship group due ( we think) to the increasingly controlling behaviour of her long term partner. I feel sympathy for her and make sure she knows I am always here for her when she's ready .

I was ghosted about 20 years ago by a very good friend- we had been through quite a lot together in late teens/early 20s - and although it wasn’t as close a friendship by early 30s we still met up etc.
I have no idea what I did tbh. We are FB friends now (the ghosting was way before FB) and v rarely interact.
apart from that I’ve only ever had a big falling out w my ex best mate from school at age 17 (at least there was a reason) and we did get back in touch in our20s for a bit (she called me), but I let it slide as we were so different by then.
so my answer is yes it’s v upsetting when you don’t know what you’ve done.
I think it’s natural to drift from
lesser friendships (school
mums when your kids have left etc) but not old, solid friends.

Ps: my bestie has fallen out/been ghosted by so many people it’s ridiculous. If I were her I’d really have to examine why.

Yes my childhood friend did this to me over 20 odd years. She asked if she could bring her new partner to my wedding, no problem- extra place booked at short notice. She then didn't turn up. I spent most of my wedding worried if my friend was OK/got lost/had an accident or something. She cut all contact and it really hurt, but she must have had her reasons. She contacted me via Facebook a few years ago very friendly using a pseudonym. All her posts were very secretive- no photos- lots of cryptic messages. Then the pandemic struck and I think she must have deleted social media and vanished again.

Wow, this is more common than I thought!

@hellosunshineagainxxx well we don't live as close now and we do live different lives, but I don't feel like either of us have changed massively. I've been nothing but kind and supportive to her, through a break up, when her dc were poorly, when she just needed someone to talk to, I was always there. We've never argued, just laughed a lot actually. The only thing I can think of is that I'm in a better financial position now and I know things have been tough for her for quite a while in that respect, but then I think to myself if that's really the reason why, she isn't the person I thought she was.

Does anyone else hate the person for ghosting them but keep trying to patch it up despite knowing you're better off without them?

My sister cut me out of her life, she won't even look at me if she passes me in the street now which is very awkward as we live close and our kids are at the same primary school. She mostly sends her husband on the school runs now to avoid me.

Looking back over my childhood I see a disturbing pattern, I would chase her like a lost puppy just fawning and trying to win her affection and she would reject and belittle me. Over the years the emotional abuse broke my self esteem to the point I quit jobs, ran from friendships out of fear and lost out on multiple exciting opportunities as I never felt good enough.

Logically I know I am better off without her nasty influence in my life. Yet I can't stop my learned fawning behaviour (a trauma response from early childhood events), so I send birthday cards and little notes, spend ages selecting a perfect little token gift etc. All get ignored and yet I carry on, hoping that next time if I can just word it right or find the perfect poem in a card then everything will go back to normal.

I hate her for what she's done and yet I just can't stop trying to fix things. I don't like her as a person. She was my primary bully and abuser, she ruined my life. And yet I'm broken without a complete family and need her back.

Tell me I'm not the only one who does this?

I think this situation is different.
You alone are not being ghosted, it is a group of you, so you don't feel alone in the rejection. Also you (as a group) have a strong feeling as to why she is withdrawing. So you're not left wondering what you've done wrong.

For me I'm more of a talker/communicator - so if I want to end a friendship or resolve issues in it then I'd rather speak than just ghost/phase out.

Funnily enough, I came off FB recently but had seen someone who was in the year above me at school and we'd connected on FB etc. She thought as I wasn't on her friends list that I'd unfriended her but she messaged me on messenger (I'd sent her a message too) and we solved that and are arranging to meet for a coffee this weekend.

@Ighostpeople - I get what you say, but don't you realise that the people who you do ghost sometimes might be totally baffled as well as hurt as to why you're doing this.

There was one time a few years ago when a very close/best friend of mine suddenly didn't ghost me as such, but did something to me where I felt I had to end the friendship. She tried to salvage it afterwards but had told me she'd emailed me about what she wanted to do as she was scared of my reaction (she was being a total bitch and it was to do with a holiday). A year or so later, we had a mutual friend and I saw this very close/best friend comment about me to the mutual friend on FB in a really bitchy way, maybe related to our 'argument'. But of course I saw red and messaged the very close friend to tell her our friendship was definitely over and for her to leave me alone. It was so strange as we'd been friends for almost 10 years, we'd both supported each other a lot and then she behaves in this way. She did tell me she'd been bullied at school and even her DM treated her badly as a teenager.

But the thing is that I’m not at all sure that telling someone why you don’t want to be friends with them is any better?

is it better for me to tell the friend that i don’t want to be friends with her because I don’t like her anymore and I don’t enjoy spending time with her? I can’t see how that is going to make her feel any better? I think that would be cruel.

it’s a bit more complicated than that.

but at the end of the day a lot of these examples are of people trying to step back from friendships in a quiet way. I really doubt that in lots of cases it’s jealous or whatever - it’s just that they don’t want to be friends anymore. I think the slow fade is much kinder then sitting someone down and saying I don’t like you.